How can I get this man to understand my position?

Is this internet connection at your house or his? If it’s at your house, you’re going to have a hard time getting him to pay for it. If it’s a matter of this is the major way you keep in touch with the kids, and you absolutely can’t afford to keep it without his assistance, I would phrase it in such a way that he sees it is in the best interests of the children.

Sorry, to clarify: it’s at his house, but it’s my account. I am in the us, they are in australia.

If it’s at his house, he should be paying for it anyway (unless, perhaps he can’t afford it, for real). If I were you, I’d get my name taken off the account asap.

@augustlan , it’s the only way I can communicate with them for now. I am afraid that if I cancel the account they will have nothing. I am trying to figure out a way to word this to this man whom I guess is still mad at me.

Here’s the hard line: your responsibility begins and ends with the child support payments. As long as you’re making those, then all the rest is up to him.

Now having said that, the softer side warns me that his reaction will be to make communication with your children difficult or withhold it altogether.

I don’t know what your divorce decree stipulates as far as your visitation rights go, but most decrees will grant some kind of rights to the non-custodial parent. The parent with custody has to abide by that decree.

The painful part is that you and your children are going to suffer, if I’m reading the situation correctly. If you cease paying for the Internet access, he will likely become angry.

Perhaps if you write it in letter form, it will have a more positive effect. He won’t have to immediately respond. He can at least think about it for a bit. Write that you have been making the child support payments, and that’s all you’re legally bound to do. Remind him of his obligations to allow you access to the children whether it be by phone or over the computer.

Use language that is non-confrontational, but be firm.

Divorce is hard on all parties involved, but it doesn’t have to be. You’re ex-husband still has problems that he has to work through regarding your marriage. Frankly, that’s not your problem. It’s his. Your responsibility is to make the child support payments and to somehow try to maintain a relationship with your children. His responsibility is to provide access to your children as per the divorce decree.

I wish this was easier for you. Best of luck.

Or you could try and expressing the situation again. If its any consolation he should have his own internet service as should you. unless there was some sort of other agreement. Im sure there are many ways to solve this kind of situation and still be civil about it.

@psyonicpanda – I have been paying my kids internet since 2007. After I sent this 40k, I can’t really any more. He has his own, at his work. The home internet is what I’ve been paying, that the kids use. I am simply asking him to use the $300 per month that I still pay for internet. He is acting like, I guess, that the 40g’s isn’t enough.

there is a lingering question as to how a person ends up in this kind of situation, but its none of my business So what im getting from this is that he is refuseing to get is own connection and if you do not pay for it then he will choose to not have internet?
Your reasoning is sound. if your already paying then he could use that money you already pay to lighten your financial stress. Im and sensing and entitlement complex comeing from his direction. None the less @Hawaii_Jake is correct. You will either have to go to court for to draft some sort of visibility agreement to stay connected the way you want to with your children or you will have to keep forking over the money for internet.

@psyonicpanda the whole story is on here somewhere and anybody that’s been here for a long time knows what happened to me. But in the present, your’e right, and so is @Hawaii_Jake pretty much. Thanks, all.

Get an attorney and go back to court! That’s the only way.

Might he agree to share the cost? You both benefit from having the connection and, I know nothing about him, but maybe your offer will open the door to him being more reasonable. I think he does have an obligation to ensure the Internet connection remains in tact since that is the only means of frequent interaction between you and the children. Has he thought about how they will react to being cut off from you?

You can convince him that you can’t afford the Internet by not paying for it any more. Tell him you can’t afford it any more and will no longer be paying for it starting next month, and plead for him to pay for it. If he refuses, tell your kids you’re sorry but you can’t pay for it any more, but you’ll write them letters regularly, and ask them to do likewise. (Remember letters? This technology still exists. Your kids are old enough to write and would benefit from doing so.) Chances are your kids will raise hell about being cut off and will prevail upon him to restore the service. Even if he gets a cheaper, slower service, you’ll still be able to stay in touch. At worst, maybe your kids will have no home connection for a while but will still contact you from school/library computers or WiFi hotspots. Maybe you should buy them a cheap laptop or netbook for Christmas—you can get a perfectly adequate one for less than what you would pay for 3 months of that Internet service. He will have to break down and restore the service when your kids have to write reports for school.

By the way, back in the pre-Internet age, I was able to keep in touch with my non-custodial parent just fine via letters and phone calls after he moved to CA (I grew up in MI).

A more confrontational approach would be to simply deduct the cost of the Internet from the $300 you send. A less confrontational approach would involve you paying for a cheaper service.

Close the account. Send him child support money. Let him spend it on the kids as he sees fit. I had to make similar decisions, and my kids still love me, and they still think their mother is an idiot.

@trailsillustrated, honestly, it would be difficult to convince me that you cannot afford $130/month extra to communicate with your children when you came up with $40,000 in one month for arrearages in child support. That may be what he is thinking too.

Surely you have legal “access” to the kids that are yours and also you are helping to support. You can plead you can ask, but really I think the court need rule that this expense falls under accessing children. Since they live so far away? Other than that as someone suggested you would have to write, send photographs etc., the old fashioned way. But you would think a dad would have the maturity to want his kids to see their mother, via the net . You could even say, I am sure you want your kids to be settled and happy and stable?

If you were to decide to no longer pay for the internet, unfortunately its the kids and you who will be deprived of a convenient way to stay in touch. It really wont affect him one way or the other.

Wanting him to share in this cost is not necessarily unreasonable on your part. But he doesn’t sound as if hes of a mind to be reasonable.

Your kids take priority over whatever. else is going on with you and him. And in the grand scheme of things, its a pretty small price to pay to have uninterrupted communication with them for their sake and yours as well. Just try to focus on that.

@bkcunningham – it was a settlement that I got that had been a very long time coming. That’s how I was able to do it. My day to day income is quite small.

I think he could afford it and is using it as leverage against you with the kids. It’s kind of blackmail. Pay for it or else he won’t. Not only will he be able to deprive you of your kids, but if you don’t pay he has the bonus of telling the kids they don’t have internet because you don’t love them enough.

Sorry to say but this jerk should be dealt with a lawyer. Perhaps you can find one pro bono.

Does he understand that, @trailsillustrated. I wasn’t trying to be a smartie pants with the comment. But trying to show you how it may seem.

@bkcunningham it’s been explained to him, I don’t know how much he cares or understands. My kids know I love them, and they have thought he’s a big fat jerk for some time now. As I am moving back, (and it’s a small town), I want to keep things reasonably cool with him.

Wow. Internet costs ridiculous amounts in Australia. I wouldn’t pay for it. I’d call them. That has to be cheaper. Especially since you can call over the internet.

I realize there is a time difference, but I would prefer to talk to my kids than Facebook them, or whatever.

I don’t think you’re going to get anywhere with him. The 40K was for expenses in the past. It doesn’t mean he can afford things now. Like the internet.

Having said that, ask nicely. Maybe be a bit of a broken record. Ask him over and over. Eventually he may get tired of you bothering him, and give in. If you like, you could try cutting back, and asking him to pay just some of it. Say three quarters. Or half. Or one quarter. Any contribution is better than what is going on now. But if you truly cannot afford it, then you have to cut it off. As long as you keep paying it, you make it clear that you are not really telling the truth when you say you can’t afford it.