How to break it to him other than the fatal "We need to talk"?

If either of you were me, I would insist on talking face to face once. It will be difficult due to the misunderstanding, but perhaps if you are willing to listen to him vent for a while, he will at least feel he got to say his piece.

You can explain your position, again, briefly and pithily. Then you allow him to talk.

Sorry. This is always so unpleasant and hard on both parties but particularly on the one left with strong feelings.

@gailcalled: Thank you for the advice; that makes sense that we will both feel we have gotten to say our piece in person. More misunderstandings could come up in writing.

^^Plus, a letter could be perceived as the coward’s way out. That’s the trouble with strong emotions and feelings; you can’t wave the wand and disappear them.

Clearly, you had an interesting and productive trip, in spite of some of the fall-out.

@gailcalled: Gotcha, I see what you mean. I don’t seek to wave a wand and make his strong emotions go away, but they are his responsibility, just like mine were my responsibility when I was certain he had broken up with me and I took care of myself and got over my feelings, right?

And you’re right… It was indeed an interesting trip, and I am quite glad that I thought he had broken up with me, all things considered…

Right as far as you are concerned. Now, to face him one last time…best of luck.

I would let him know that his advances are making you uncomfortable because at this point you wanted to be just friends with him and nothing more. I would offer to give him the time and space to get over his feelings for you and that when he is ready to just be friends to call you. I would has @gailcalled said do this in person though it will be hard. I would then give him space until he decides to call you again.

Thank you, @creative1, that makes a lot of sense and it sounds like the kindest way to go about it.

Really you are most responsible to yourself. If you feel uncomfortable when he makes advances, it is fair to “him” also as well as yourself to tell him the truth. The truth as you know it. It sounds to me as if you went through the phase of getting over him, quite rightly, as he in your mind broke it off. Now you have moved on. And view him as a special friend, plus a person you once shared something deeper with. The sadness now is his, just as the sadness was yours. You dealt with yours, let him deal his, by simply telling him that, (above).

You definitely have to do this in person. Make a point of getting together with him, during the day-time if possible. Better yet, at a park or the beach, not in your house. So when the talk is finished he won’t (hopefully) be able to suggest going to bed, because you’ll be outside in a public place. If that’s not possible, then just invite him over, or better yet, go to his place, so you can leave, rather than having to ask him to leave after the conversation.

Try something like this: “Rex, you know I care about you, but just as a friend don’t you? Before I left for France, you broke up with me and urged me to live my life and possibly look for someone else. I was grateful that you let me down so easily and didn’t try to make me feel bad for wanting to explore other possibilities. And you need to know that I did explore other possibilities. But right now, I don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with anybody. I would like it if we could be friends, but you can’t expect me to consider us a couple at this time, and we can’t engage in sexual relations or lovey-dovey talk because it doesn’t feel right for me. I don’t want to hurt you and I do want us to be friends, but my feelings have changed, in part because you urged me to change, and I did and I thank you for that. Are you OK with just being friends? Because if you aren’t, I completely understand if you don’t want to hang around with me anymore.”

Then let him talk. He’ll probably be very upset, and you may have to repeat some of the “things have changed” phrases until he really gets it. He’ll probably keep telling you that you mis-understood his meaning. Keep repeating the phrases about “things have changed” until he understands. Try not to get angry, try not to cry. If you cry, he’ll want to hug you. If he cries, you’re going to feel like shit (just warning you) but resist the urge to hug him. You can take his hand and pat it, but avoid hugging him, or that will make it much worse. Then tell him that you’re going to go home, and that you’ll check in with him in a few days. Then do so, just ask him if he’s OK, and repeat the “my feelings have changed” if he tries to drag you back in. If he asks for one last kiss, before you leave, say “OK, but just on the cheek.” And don’t go in for a romantic hug. Do the male relative hug where you shake his hand and give him a big slap on the back while you kiss his cheek.

I wish you well. Please update us and let us know how it goes.

No letter.

Don’t let him off the hook. Confront him about the pre-trip breakup. Repeat back to him the phrases he used. Emphasize that he never said “taking a break”. Repeat to him that you would not have accepted that at the time.

Tell him that you no longer have romantic feelings for him, and that while you would like to stay friends, you don’t think that seeing one another right now is very good for him since he discovered that he does still have feelings for you while you were gone.

Then stop communicating with him at least for the near term.

Aside from all of the other advice you’re getting here, and this may be a tiny, niggling point of no consequence whatever, I would beware of the huge difference between the words “fatal” and “fateful”.

One hopes that your conversation isn’t “fatal” for either of you! It may very well be fateful, and you can still both walk away from it.

@CWOTUS I love it when you niggle : P

I think he meant fatal in the figurative manner. As in the relationship (as friends) might die.

Ditto what just about everyone has said, my comment is to make sure you take care of yourself. You have no guilt or emotional burden in this because he initiated the distancing months ago. To not maintain the boundary you want in response to his earlier action would not be true to yourself.

I am not trying to say it won’t or shouldn’t hurt or be difficult, but just keep telling yourself you are taking care of yourself.

@Shippy: Your analysis is quite right, and thank you for the advice. I realize that I need to be honest with myself first of all, and with him.

@Kardamom: Wow, thank you for that response! And you’re right we should do this in public; I’ve been afraid of getting together with him at his house because I’ve been worried he would try to make some advances. He actually initiated the ‘break up’ in public as well. And thank you very much for telling me what to expect. That is super helpful and I’d give you 5 GAs if I could :)

@marinelife : Thank you for advising me to be direct and remind him of what he said. I have trouble being direct and confrontational sometimes, but I definitely see that this situation calls for it! And I understand that we shouldn’t have contact for a while. He needs time for this change to sink in, just as I needed time (but it was easier for me because I was in another country when it sank in for me!)

@CWOTUS: I don’t think I misused the word ‘fatal,’ and I was not thinking of the word ‘fateful’. I did not mean that it would be a deadly conversation. I did indeed mean ‘fatal’ in the figurative manner, to suggest that the phrase “We need to talk” can “kill” a conversation. I was thinking back to this thread from earlier in the summer, when everyone discussed why “We need to talk” makes them feel uneasy.

@zenvelo: Thank you very much for that kind advice. I was actually proud of how well I took care of myself after the first “break up” with this guy, ROFL. I am certainly thinking of how to take care of myself; if I were not, I might just drift along and keep fooling around with this guy even though I don’t have feelings for him anymore. I don’t feel guilty, but I do feel that it is necessary to get this over with as soon as possible. And I realize it will probably hurt, but I know it is the right thing to do by both of us.

@bookish1 Good luck. Take care. I have already come to value your contributions to this site and wish you well.

Oh dear, so sorry you’re having to go through this. Situations like this are never easy. I would just take all the above advice and explain things to him very gently. Take a deep breath and tell him how you feel.

And give yourself some (((hugs))) from me.

Just tell him (face to face) what’s in your heart. Don’t force the conversation, it should come naturally. Maybe it would be a good idea to actually write a letter telling him how you feel about him but don’t actually send it. That way you’ll have an idea of what you want to say to him. Don’t tell him “we need to talk.” This may already plant bad things in his head. Just ask him to meet you somewhere for coffee or soda, no other explanation necessary until you get there.

@marinelife: Thank you for the well wishes!
@WillWorkForChocolate: Thank you and hugs back at ya!
@AshlynM: That’s a great idea about writing a letter I’ll never send. It’s easier for me to think while writing than during conversation. Thank you for the advice.

Well, here’s my update… Despite all the wondrous kind advice I received on here… the situation is still pretty crappy. I was trying to be kind to him, but he is incapable of perceiving that now. I think he’s angry at himself and he’s redirecting it at me.

A couple weeks ago, he sent me a super snarky and passive aggressive email, accusing me of reducing him to the status of a casual friend or “bar buddy.” He even called it betrayal. Because I committed the inexcusable faux pas of inviting a mutual friend of ours to go get some fast food with us after we all had some drinks together. What a horrid person I am! This showed me that he still has strong feelings for me and feels possessive, since he still expects to go on “dates” or have “special time” together.

It was probably a mistake to engage with him at all after he showed himself to be so childish, but I tried to use that email as an opportunity to explain my position. I told him what I had not been able to say in person—that my feelings had changed, that he initiated the breakup and there was no ambiguity in my mind, that I have been uncomfortable with his sexual references and attempts. I told him that my friendship was still here if he wanted it.

He didn’t respond for a week, but we had good conversations in public at our favorite bar, so I thought that things were going better. But, he got angry at me yet again and sent me another bitchy email, because instead of spending time exclusively with him at the bar, I also see other friends. Sometimes I don’t go there just to see him! How dare I. This guy is… decades older than me and I was not that immature when I was 17, I swear. Oh yeah… He also told me I needed to “man up”, because I was not able to tell him for a while that his sexual advances were making me uncomfortable (the truth is, I was so surprised by them because I was sure we had broken up, that I didn’t even know how to respond for a while.) Yeah, that pretty much settles it for me…

I really feel like I’ve done all I can. Every time I try to be kind, he just plays the martyr, assumes the very worst about me, and throws it back in my face.

@bookish1 Sorry that you are having to deal with this. If I were you, I’d change my bar hangout at least for awhile. I would also just stop trying to be friends with him. Best of luck!

@marinelife : Thank you for that. It’s a shame, such a nice bar, haha. But that had occurred to me as well. Trying to keep engaging with him would just cause us both more pain, and I don’t have the energy for it.

@bookish1 I am so sorry. His unfortunate reaction was coming down the tracks like an out of control freight train : ) Have to run out. Will PM you later.

In the meantime, go have a lunch that involves coconut chutney ; – P

^^^ Or lemons. Rhapsodic Ode to the Lemon (repeating myself, I know.)

Some people do need time to adjust to the new relationship of friend. Some you realise were not even friendship material at all. Don’t feel guilty we have feedom of choice.