How do you deal with very confusing situations related to people you are interested in, but have chosen not to put a label on your relationship?

Labels, categories, divisions… it’s an emotion, not a science project!

I think that the fact that you don’t understand this very basic difference between men and women may cause you more heartache in the future.

Just relax, roll with it, and enjoy life. And if you are no longer happy or comfortable with things, it’s time to move on.

^ You may be right that I need to move on. Part of what makes this so painful to me is that he wants us to live together. This would end up with my family potentially disowning me and I’m trying to decide if he’s worth that risk if he doesn’t see me as a girlfriend.

But do you really want to live with him?

I saw another question that you just posted that makes it a bit more complicated since you also have to weigh that against the reactions of others; something I never had to do.

I do, but I want my family as well. :(

If it’s not prying too much, how old are you and he? That can make a difference; part of why I don’t care what my parents think is my age.

I’m 22 and he is 21. My parents are really strict. My Dad doesn’t believe people should move out until they get married, but I really want to leave this place. I don’t want to be dependant on my parents forever. And I don’t feel like my parents should “own” me until I’m married. It seems too old-fashioned. The idea of a guy wanting to marry me while I still live with my parents at my age is unsettling. What if he thinks that means he gets to control me and my life if he becomes my husband? Or tries to act like he is there to replace my father’s position of “ownership”? It feels like I may attract healthier men for me if I do my own thing, away from my parents, and learn to be more independent of them. Am I over-thinking this?

I think I see the issue right there.

On the one hand, I disagree with your dad’s idea about not moving out until you are married. Living on your own makes you more mature, which includes being stronger, more self-sufficient, better able to judge your own needs and desires, and more able to go after them.

However, I see his point in that most people under 25 are in no way, shape, or form ready to settle down at all. Don’t take that the wrong way, but it’s seen a period of life when most people are in flux; free from parents, free from school, feeling seven feet tall and bulletproof, wanting to do all sorts of things like travel the world… the early-20s are generally not considered a great time to make serious decisions.

Still, the fact that this guy isn’t using terms like girlfriend or fiance isn’t promising. Odds are that your feelings for him are far stronger than his for you, and that can make for a living situation that is strained at best. If you are fine with being just a FWB that may be replaced at a moments notice, then moving in with him might be good. Somehow, I suspect that you are not completely fine with that and would like to have someplace other than your parent’s house in case of your relationship (such as it is) ending, which means that the two of you having separate living quarters is best.

^ He did mention something about a two bedroom apartment. Anyway, it would only be for a year. After this, one of my best female friends is planning to move out due to circumstances beyond her control and it seems like the perfect time to make that switch. She has told me that if she has to have a roommate, it would be me. Maybe waiting until then is a good idea, though. But I don’t have a whole lot of freedom at my house. I’m not even allowed to ‘normally’ date and I am older than 18. It’s not really fair. My parents have rules that are really unreasonable for an adult and there are other things that bother me about living here, too. My parents (my father) in particular are way too overprotective when it comes to dating and I’m not even over-exaggerating.

Save money by living at home another year and then move in with your girlfriend a year from now when she gets the 2 bedroom apartment.

You mention “I’m not even allowed to ‘normally’ date” and yet somehow you manage to have a FWB. That must involve a lot of sneaking around.

@LuckyGuy That is why I have a thing against strict and/or overly protective parents. They tend to wind up with exactly what they don’t want; in this case, a person sneaking around, having sex, desperate to escape but too sheltered to have learned how to survive in the really real world, and basically easy prey for not-nice people.

@LuckyGuy Yes, and that’s part of why I want to move out. I’m not even allowed to hold a guy’s hand I’m interested in without getting hell for it and treated like a prostitute/slut if I’m caught. Even if the guy is my boyfriend, my father views it as “wrong”. My brothers also aren’t allowed to be physical with any girlfriends they happen to end up with, either. In fact, it seems that my Dad would prefer us to never have sex without being married and never be in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, regardless of whether we are his son or his daughter. Kissing outside of marriage? Wrong! Cuddling outside of marriage? Wrong! Oral sex outside of marriage? Wrong! Sex outside of marriage? Wrong! Holding hands? Wrong! Giving someone you’re into a high five? Wrong! A boyfriend giving you a piggy back ride? Wrong! Looking at a guy you’re interested in and being physically and/or sexually attracted to what you see? Wrong! Of course this has resulted in me sneaking around. I don’t like all this lying and that’s another reason I want to move out. I’m sick and tired of it and just want to be able to be completely honest for a change without fearing harsh and unreasonable consequences. I want to be able to make my own decisions without being judged and treated like a whore. With this guy, I can be honest with him. With my Dad, even if I’m not dating a guy or having sex with him and our reasons for hanging out are totally innocent, I feel the need to lie almost 100% of the time about where I am out of protection for myself. I hate feeling like I am a liar. It makes me feel like I am not trustworthy. With this other guy, I can pretty much bare my soul to him if I wanted to and he still accepts me as a person. I used to think that if he really knew me, it would drive him away, but it seems like the more he knows me, the closer we end up.

So let me get this straight; Dad wants you to marry sight unseen or else remain cloistered in the family home forever? I don’t think there really is any way to avoid making him unhappy. I wonder what else he holds 18th-century opinions on.

On a semi-related note, my in-laws practically disowned my wife and I, and we’ve never felt better. Sometimes we miss her father, but on balance, not having then in our lives has turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to us.

I’d like to say something along the lines of appeasing your father and staying there another while, but that’s easier said than done,and may not be bearable.
Also much easier said than done, clearing some new rules and giving your father a compromise ultimatum – perhaps you stay at home a while if he is willing to meet you half way, How’s your poker face?
Don’t even consider this as advice, just an option to ponder the consequences of.

@jerv He takes the Bible extremely seriously and views dating as stupid, along with the typical boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. He almost never approves of a relationship one of his children is in and will fight tooth and nail trying to break a relationship up if he doesn’t like it for whatever reason. He often judges guys just for wanting to be with one of his daughters without even meeting them or knowing anything about them other than he hasn’t met them and they want one of his daughters.

That’s interesting and definitely something I plan on turning over in my mind.

@anatidaephobiac This will not work. It’s been tried again and again. He is stuck in his ways and believes his interpretation of the Bible is the right one. He’s very arrogant about it, too.

I’m not so sure i’m in a position to give actual advice, you’re too old for a teen rebellion, but been kept under the thumb way too long.
I decided at 13 or 14 i was just going to say “hey, this is what i’m at, deal with it” that was a bit too young to be going into school hungover, wasted, sneaking out of girlfriends houses in the mornings.
If you do need to get away from that, just remember to make the right choices for yourself, maybe even try switching to following your fathers extreme terms for a little while living on your own, and put a little distance on the boyfriend till he figures out what is what.

He has been encouraging me to move out because he feels like it would be good for me. I felt like he had ulterior motives, but he said it felt like it would be best for me and it would be a bonus for him as well. I barely get to see him as it is. At most, we generally see each other once a week, but we don’t hang out for that long. We also don’t tend to hang out past dark. I have friends who are pretty supportive of this and have given me permission to use their names when I hang out with him. They feel like my Dad is way too strict and want me to be happy. Basically, they view me as a ‘good girl’ and think my Dad is overprotective. I don’t even drink or do drugs and have never smoked. I don’t feel like what I do with my friend or anyone else that I hang out with for that matter is wrong. One of the only things wrong with it that I can see is lying to my Dad about it, but I feel like I have no other choice at times if I want to go through with the plans. Surprisingly or unsurprisingly, I have met parents who even encouraged me to lie to my parents and were totally cool with helping me keep my secrets in the dark because they felt like my Dad was too strict as well. I am sick of lying. I want to be able to live in a home where I don’t feel the need to lie anymore. Where I can tell the truth and just be myself. I have that with this guy. I can be myself with him and be honest and he accepts me.

21 year old me would have been totally wide to the amount of weight you place in being able to be yourself and be honest, It is something that most people just take for granted. And 21 year old me would probably use it just to get in your pants. I would have even managed to believe otherwise while i was doing it. Getting your independance isn’t going to be of much good if you’re making your “own” decisions surrounded by dubious influences.

Do you think it is fair for other people to project themselves and/or their beliefs onto this guy, though? He is not them. I mean, maybe they would be like that if they were in his shoes, but why does that have to mean he is like that, too? I used to stereotype FWB relationships myself and they were very black and white to me, but he has helped me have a more open mind. Not only that, but I am not the stereotypical female FWB, either. At least, I don’t believe I am. As a result of this, how can I fairly apply stereotypical characteristics to him? I got to know him as an individual and was open to the possibility that he was not the stereotypical guy enough for me to benefit from it.

In this circumstance i think it is fair to present it as a possibility, there’s no way i could know, but to be clearer i was a bit distracted when i used the word “dubious”. I had meant any strong influence.

As this went on the issue had moved a little from the OP to stuff about your fathers beliefs. And it seems to me that one issue is affecting the other quite a lot, and i’m trying to suggest you consider putting one on hold while you deal with the other seperately.

Attention Everyone: skip to my last paragraph first, and then read the whole thing if you really do want some advice

You’ve got several things working against you. Your father has ridiculously outdated ideas about males and females and healthy relationships. Because you still live with him, you will either need to follow his rules (until you can get out) or keep lying to him. Neither of those things sounds very appetizing.

I think you should cool it with the guys, all guys including the guy in question who can’t/won’t define your relationship (which is another problem for you, even though it sounds so freeing and romantic to you right now) more on that in a moment.

The reason for cooling it with the guys for right now is because you should make a long-term plan to move out of your father’s house. You need to be able to take care of yourself financially, and practically (meaning: all of the stuff adults have to do like managing your money, creating and sticking to a budget, knowing how to write checks and balance a checkbook, knowing how to get/use/manage a credit card and establish a checking and savings account at a bank, knowing how to rent an apartment, what to look for and how to manage roomates, paying for and taking care of your schooling, getting and keeping a job that pays enough to support yourself with regard to food/lodging/healthcare/transportation, knowing how to shop and cook for yourself whilst on a budget etc.) Getting all of this stuff in order might take you awhile, but make it your first priority. That’s why you need to cool it with the guys for right now until you get this moving out situation under control.

I would suggest trying to move in with a female friend or 2, rather than the FWB’s guy.

Lots of people say that they don’t like labels, but sometimes labels can make situations more clear and obvious to you and to other people, and to help you avoid un-comfortable or painful situations. What if your doctor didn’t want to be labeled as a doctor and you got sick. You would sure want to know exactly who the doctor was and who was not a doctor in an emergency situation.

Most married couples, with the exception of those folks who have made a predetermined decision to have an open marriage, want other people to know that they are married and that they and their spouses are off limits for other emotional/sexual relationships. If people don’t know that you or your spouse are married, then you’re pretty much fair game for anyone to come calling. In a situation with someone who is just friends (another label) that is generally thought of to be someone that you have a pleasant and close relationship that doesn’t include sex. I can’t imagine having sex with my best friend (I’m straight and she’s a straight female). I have male friends who I would never consider having sex with either.

There are other useful labels such as One Night Stand, which usually means that two people agree to have sex once, but don’t have any intention of dating that person or treating them with much more importance than a total stranger. In this particular situation, it often happens that one of the parties doesn’t get told that they are a ONS until after the fact. If that label had been brought up in the first place, the sex act might have never taken place in the first place because some people would never want to be anyone’s ONS.

The terms boyfriend and girlfriend are similar to being a wife or a husband, only in the sense that it gives you and other people the idea that you and your partner are off limits, at least temporarily, and not available for other romantic entaglements. There are expectations that go along with some of these labels. In general, folks who consider themselves to be boyfriend/girlfriend or variations with same sex couples, tend to want/assume that they are dating exclusively (unless they have a pre-arranged arrangement to do otherwise) and would not be very happy if one of the people in the partnership kissed/had sex with/blatantly flirted with other people.

With a Friends With Benefits arrangement, often times, one part of this kind of couple was never told that they are in a FWB’s situation and might believe that they are really part of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Also, in FWB’s relationships, there is usually one half of the couple that cares more than the other one. The one who doesn’t care as much always has the upper hand. The one who doesn’t care as much will tend to get angry if the other person attempts to move the relationship into an exclusive one on one dating/sex situation. He or she might say to the more attached person, “You know we haven’t put a label on our relationship, and you knew what you were getting into because I was 100% honest with you, and you can’t expect me to stop sleeping with other people, because we’re not boyfriend/girlfriend.” That’s only partly true. Usually the less attached person wants to have sex with multiple partners, but they don’t want to have to deal with anyone’s emotional attachments, so they pretend that there are no emotional attachments.

When the less attached person in a FWB’s relationship gets nervous and doesn’t want to have to present themselves as a boyfriend or girlfriend would (examples: going on dates, checking in with the other person, keeping promises, making plans, meeting the other person’s friends or family, accompanying the other person as an escort to various events) they tend to end the relationships. And the end either comes as a big/dramatic/ugly discussion how they aren’t in a relationship with the other person, even though they’ve been having sex with them for some time. For them it’s just sex, it’s not meaningful. They might also say something like, “I don’t think this is going to work out, I don’t want to hurt you.” Even though the more attached person has probably already been hurt.

The more attached person in a FWB’s relationship is more likely than the other one to want the Non Labeled relationship to eventually change into something that actually does have a label. When both parties disagree on this issue, the relationship is often abruptly cancelled. If 2 people in a FWB’s situation end their relationship, but they live together, then that is one hellish place to be.

Even if the FWB’s relatioship continues, even though the more attached person wants more, it will be equally hellish to be around when other sex partners are brought into the home, especially if one of them turns out to be “the one” that the other person was looking for to make him/her want to be in a real relationship. That really stinks and it happens all the time.

From some of your responses to your other Q’s, I get the feeling that you already know that you are planning to move in with this guy when you get the chance and that you don’t want to upset/anger/annoy him by suggesting that you should be boyfriend/girlfriend before that happens. That worries me. It seems like this fellow knows exactly what he wants from you (convenient sex with no strings attached) but he’s trying to throw it out to you as though it’s this beautiful thing with no definition and that there’s so much more freedom when you have no boundaries or definitions.

Guys, and some women, but mostly guys like to use that kind of “logic” to lure in the females for convenient sex. It sounds much more sweet and romantic to say to a young lady that you will be in a passionate and free relationship than it does to say that you will be getting into a sexual relationship with a dude who calls the shots as to when/if you get to be with him and don’t have any expectations of him doing anything with or for you if it even hints of a real relationship. You won’t be able to count on him to be there for you, because it will simply be a sexual relationship, with some fun friendly stuff thrown in for good measure, but it will be at his convenience, not yours.

Sorry this is so long, you don’t have to read or accept one single word of what I’m saying, but I just want you to know what you are likely in store for if you move in with and continue the FWB’s relationship with this fellow.

@Kardamom +1 for being able to type all that without your fingers falling off!

Also remember that guys are not projects to fix up; we are how we are, and trying to change us is not only extremely disrespectful, but often doomed to failure, so don’t try to change his thinking about whatever it is you two have. If he only wants FWB status, don’t try to convince him to upgrade.

@Kardamom I did read everything you said and we have discussed this more. He hasn’t made moving in with him a requirement and would prefer for it to only happen if I could consistently pay rent (which I view as fair). Believe it or not, I have been taking people’s advice very seriously. As for him not calling me a girlfriend, I don’t really see anything wrong with that. If he’s not exclusive to me, I don’t see anything wrong with that, either. If anyone has been in a sexual relationship with more than one person around the same period of time in our friendship, it was (oddly) actually me. As for me not being able to count on him being there for me, he has been there for me a ton. He has also been there for me when ex-boyfriends haven’t. This idea that a guy putting a label on a relationship automatically makes him more ideal hasn’t always been true in my experience. My last three boyfriends were not totally honest with me. They seemed to care more about impressing me than actually being themselves around me. I am not 100% sure I will move in with this guy. There is still a good chance that I won’t. One of the biggest things stopping me is other people’s judgements. Despite me not being 100% sure of whether or not I will do this, I am still considering it… and am leaning more on the side of not doing it. If I was so sure (like you are suggesting) that I would move in with this man and will definitely do it the first chance I get, I would not be asking the questions I’ve been asking. I would not have even come to Fluther for advice. In a way, I feel like you are not understanding me or who I am. All of this being said, I do understand that you may feel that I am not completely understanding you, either.

@jerv Yeah, I totally understand that. If I want to change him, I shouldn’t even be involved with him. I don’t view him as a project to fix. Also, I find it easier to call this a FWB to make this situation easier for other people to understand. I view it as one, but he has recently told me he views what we have as more than a FWB (on his own) after me calling it that (on my own). I still view it as one. It seems safer that way. In a way, I feel like I am not being taken seriously at times just because I am the woman in this situation and not the man.

@AnonymousWoman It’s not that I don’t understand you, I’m just trying to throw out the likely outcomes of a FWB’s relationship. And FWB’s is a label unto itself and it’s not exactly a pretty or respectful sounding label. It means that you are only getting a limited version of something.

Is it your desire to have multiple sex partners? I guess that’s OK if that’s what you want, but it’s not the safest thing to do health-wise or mental health wise. Plus the fact that you’ve stated in your Q that you are in love with this fellow and you’ve brought up the possibility of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship suggests to me that that is what you would prefer. Even though he does not want that. You are not on the same page with him.

Unless you spend each week down at the clinic getting tested for STD’s, folks with multiple sex partners (and those partners also are likely to have multiple sex partners) no one can really be sure who is clean and who is not, because you can’t tell by looking at people.

You never said how you would feel about this guy bringing home other women. Would that be OK with you? At best it would be awkward, at worst it would be sad and humiliating. And I’m asking this in the context of whether you move in with him or not, but it certainly would be worse if you lived with him, because then you’d get to see the other women, and hear the couple doing their business and see the women leave, all disheveled in the morning. And if you lived with him, and you are supposedly “just friends” then common courtesy as a roomate would suggest that you have conversations with these other women. To me, that sounds really un-comfortable.

I didn’t say that putting a boyfriend label on your guy makes him more ideal. I said that defining the relationship, in some way (good, bad or ugly) clarifies certain things for you, and him and other people. There are certain expectations that go along with certain relationships. Nebulous, undefined relationships are difficult for everyone. But FWB’s relationships tend to be really fun for guys who have no interest in being or held accountable for anything other than their own pleasure.

I’m sure your guy has been there for you multiple times, but you are simply lucky that he’s been willing to do that. If he isn’t your husband or boyfriend, there is absolutely no expectation that he should or will be there. If it’s convenient for him to be there for you he will, if it’s not convenient, he won’t be there. That has nothing to do with the crappy boyfriends from your past. They are separate issues. If you pick better guys, you get better treatment.

Women can be the instigators of FWB’s relationships too, but in my experience, it’s ususally the males who want them. Women tend to go along with them, because their guy isn’t offering anything else. I’ve never known anyone, personally, to continue happily along in a FWB’s situation, they’ve always ended in disaster.

Also, just because your other boyfriends were creeps, has nothing to do with the fact that they were calling themselves your boyfriend. They are separate issues. The older you get, the more you’ll realize that you have to pay more attention to and learn more about the people that you get involved with. And you’ll learn more about your own wants and needs and hopefully not put up with some of the crap that younger women are willing to put up with.

I want you to be happy and safe, and self-supporting. It just sounds like you’re teetering on the brink of disaster.

Do you have any older female relatives, or mothers of your female friends, with whom you can discuss these situations? All of them, the one about your guy and the messed up business with your dad.

To clear some things up, the label is preferable to get other people to leave us alone. Even one of his best friends has privately recommended me to ask him out, even though I didn’t want to. I have close friends who think we should just date already. I’ve already been pressured into dating someone before and it did not work out. With my last boyfriend, one of my best friends at the time made up her mind that we were perfect for each other. His brother and his mother also decided this. One of his close friends encouraged us to get together. We thought about what they said and decided to become boyfriend/girlfriend after a lot of talking, after being scared it would ruin our friendship, etc. Well, guess what happened? We did break up and our friendship did end up ruined. We no longer talk anymore. I’m really wary of this matchmaking thing. I don’t really want him to be my boyfriend in my heart of hearts right now. I do want people to leave me and us alone, though, and stop insisting we should date. It doesn’t matter what excuse I give as to why we aren’t. They come up with more reasons. It’s come to the point where it’s easier to just not talk about it at times so I don’t have to deal with all of that. My gut tells me that living together may just make all this pressure to date/put a label on what we have even worse among the people who know.

Thank you for explaining yourself more. I appreciate that. You feel we should get tested regularly, but I don’t think being in what is agreed to be a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is 100% safe, either. With my first boyfriend I was sexual with, he had assured me he was a virgin. Come to find out, he lost his virginity to somebody else while he was with me…. didn’t tell me and took mine. This is one of the reasons that boyfriend/girlfriend relationships get to me. They are not always as ideal as they are made out to be. As for me wanting multiple sex partners? No. I’ve tried that before. They both knew about each other. From what I understood from how they were acting about it, neither seemed happy about me seeing the other. I ended up only doing things with the one who seemed to be able to handle it better. That whole experience back then made me feel torn apart inside. I wanted to be honest with both of them, but being honest with both of them ended up hurting me even more than I thought it would. Having a sexual relationship with two people can be quite crushing. I wasn’t even in a committed/exclusive relationship with either of them at the time and it still hurt me and was not very fulfilling.

I do understand this other women thing and we have talked about this. I can handle him telling me about other women he has fallen for. I have even met girls he used to be into. There are at least 3 of them I have talked to in the past. They can all be quite easy to talk to and I can understand why he was into them. I do believe I could handle it because of our communication as long as they treat me with respect. I’ve asked him what he would do if women he brought home hated me. He told me he would kick them out and that he doesn’t want a woman who doesn’t like me. I found this really odd. But at the same time, I may be able to handle it. I am a really strange person. I can get along quite well with other women who dated ex-boyfriends of mine, if that is any indication. I also ended up on speaking terms with a girl an ex-boyfriend of mine cheated on me with. I found it hard to be mad at her 100% of the time because she wanted the same guy I did. One of my coolest friends ever is a woman my last ex-boyfriend fell for before he dated me. He made her sound like this huge bitch, but sometime after our breakup, she sent me a message on Facebook telling me she thinks it’s about time we finally met. I was really hesitant about this at first because she sounded really untrustworthy based on what I was told about her behind her back, but over time, I ended up opening up to her and we met up in person and had an awesome day together. We got closure from each other, too, and were both surprised that we actually enjoyed each other’s company. We don’t even talk about the guy anymore. Now we mostly talk about Game of Thrones because we found out we are both really into that. I don’t hate this woman at all, and apparently we both had been jealous of each other prior to talking. Meeting actually helped us, though. The jealousy seemed to go away completely on both of our parts.

I do appreciate you explaining what you meant by the label more. I do not want to pressure him into defining anything, though. I don’t want to force anything. I like the way things are now – I like how natural they feel with him. To make him put a label on something just for my benefit seems really selfish to me. The only reason a label would be nice (in my opinion) is to get other people to leave us alone. If other people just accepted what we have and didn’t try to get us to date or stop seeing each other, things may be different. And it’s not just a guy who a FWB relationship can be beneficial to. I personally enjoy this relationship, except for other people’s judgements when they are negative. I like not having to watch the way I interact with other guys to avoid offending him. I like being able to be my complete self. I like not having the boundaries in place that a typical relationship would have. I like the conversations I have with him. I enjoy his company and his friendship.

Maybe I am simply lucky, but maybe I am not. What do you mean by “If it’s not convenient” for him to be there, he won’t be? Are you just basing this off the fact that we have a sexual relationship? If we didn’t, would you give him more credit? Does a man being sexual with a woman he is not in a committed relationship with automatically mean he is not a good person to you and only cares about himself? ‘Cause if so, that sounds pretty stereotypical. As for choosing better guys, you seem to think I have purposely went out of my way to get with assholes when that’s not the way things went down at all. All of them had something in common at first: they seemed like the perfect guy. Treated me with respect (or seemed like it), held open doors, were very gentlemanly, etc. It was only later on down the road that their true colours came out. I compared him to my last 3 former boyfriends specifically because he treats me better than they do and has consistently for years now, despite not being my boyfriend. I don’t think that just because I have a sexual relationship with him, that must make him better. The only reason I even considered having this type of relationship with him was because he is different. Because he cared about me. It’s not like I agree to be in a FWB with every guy who asks, and there have been other guys who expressed an interest in being sexual with me who I turned down. Those guys, it may be true what you are saying, if I got with them. But this guy is different, and I realize I may not ever be able to convince you of that because you may think I am too blind in my love to see the forest for the trees.

I used to assume they always ended in disaster as well, but after I ended up in FWB relationship like this, I ended up finding out that more people than I originally thought have been or are in a situation like this. I’ve discovered that there are women who have made it work for them and are quite happy, despite the stereotypes. It doesn’t always end in disaster. And besides, many regular relationships (and even marriages) end in disaster, too. Does that mean I should avoid those, too?

“Also, just because your other boyfriends were creeps, has nothing to do with the fact that they were calling themselves your boyfriend. They are separate issues. The older you get, the more you’ll realize that you have to pay more attention to and learn more about the people that you get involved with. And you’ll learn more about your own wants and needs and hopefully not put up with some of the crap that younger women are willing to put up with.”

I think, again, you are not understanding me. I do understand that not all guys are the same. That is why I gave this FWB a chance in the first place. And it doesn’t mean I’m closed off to having boyfriends forever. It means I am taking a break from boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. Also, I am focusing on my own wants and needs… more than I was, in fact, when I was with them. This is not me settling. This is what I want. I could easily have a boyfriend if that’s what I wanted – there are guys who have expressed an interest in being my boyfriend, even after knowing about this situation. But I don’t want them. I believe my reasons for not wanting them are good reasons, too.

When will disaster hit? ‘Cause I was expecting disaster this whole time and it seems like it’s not coming now and not coming ever. Unless maybe we move in together. We’ve been on and off FWBs for years now and it still has not shown its face. We’ve both fallen for other people at times, admitted it, were able to get through it, etc. We’ve both shared problems with each other and were able to get through it. We’ve spent many hours talking, including on IM until wee hours in the morning (not always about sex) and are just fine. He knows a whole lot about me and it hasn’t scared him off. I know a whole lot about him and it hasn’t scared me off. We could probably write fairly accurate biographies about each other if we really wanted to. I mean, I guess you could say that I just think that because he made me think that. But it’s to the point where if I met his family, I could probably easily tell which of his family member he lives with is which and tell them awesome things I heard about them. He’s shared stories from his childhood with me (before we even met) and many other things. He is really awesome. And I get along with his friends who I know. I wouldn’t even care if they came over because he hangs out with good people.

As for my relatives, I didn’t grow up with them. They live on the other side of the country. I prefer not to talk about my sexual relationship life with my family. I grew up being taught that sex outside of marriage is wrong, so even if the guy became my boyfriend, that wouldn’t change anything. I’d still be viewed as a prostitute or a slut if I had sex with him by my father. In fact, I don’t even have to be sexual with the guy at all to be viewed that way. I could just hold his hand or look at him in a sexual way and that would be enough to set my father off if he heard about it. I’m not even allowed to hug or cuddle with a boyfriend. It’s easier to just not bring guys home if I’m interested in them.

TL;DR Although I don’t agree with everything you said, I do appreciate that you are taking the time to express your concerns and I respect you for your honesty. It may not seem like it, but I do appreciate being challenged. I have found you to be the most challenging responder so far, so you stand out to me more than everybody else on these recent threads I posted. I may seem really defensive, and well, that’s because I am. I feel like what we have is a good thing. That being said, I also think it’s good for me to bring out all of my defences so that they can be challenged, too, if that’s what it takes for me to see things more clearly. Better than holding it all inside, assuming everything is fine, saying nothing, and then getting hurt in the process. I believe in being prepared for the worst, while hoping for the best. This helps a lot, I’ve found, in avoiding disappointment.

^^ : ) I wish you the best!

Thank you, @Kardamom.