(NSFW) Is it a bad idea to move in with someone you are intimate with if you are not together, but have good communication and respect each other's boundaries?

I can only assume that by being being intimate that you mean having sex. But not being together I’m guessing that you are not considered a couple. So what I’m seeing is that you are Friends With Benefits. Is that correct?

I’ve always considered FWB’s situations a win/lose situation. One of the participants, usually the male, is the winner. He gets booty calls whenever he wants and generally doesn’t care about his female partners one way or another. It’s all just casual sex.

Usually, but not always, it’s the female of the FWB’s couple who ends up getting the short end of the stick. I only say that, because generally (not always) the female participant is ultimately hoping that the male participant will fall in love with her, eventually, and become a real couple. That rarely happens.

In a FWB’s situation, it’s hard enough for the more longing participant to keep their feelings out of it. I can’t think of any situations (this is my personal experience only) where a FWB’s situation has worked out well. Usually one person gets hurt, or one person gets pissed off and dumps the other person (even though they weren’t supposedly together in the first place).

So if a FWB’s couple were to move in together, it would be horrific for the person who really does have feelings (that he/she is hiding) when the other person (who doesn’t really care) starts bringing home anyone and everyone. Even if it’s just one special person. Because that special person is going to be the downfall of the FWB’s relationship, ultimately, if the longing person doesn’t just flee in despair of his/her own accord.

It would also be really horrible for any other person who might be involved with either of the 2 involved in the FWB’s relationship, once they found out what was going on. It would be embarrassing at best, devastating at worst.

I wouldn’t recommend this living arrangement to my worst enemy.

I forgot to mention, how would you introduce this person to your friends and family? “Hi Mom and Dad, this Terry the person that I f*ck, unless he/she is busy f*cking Sue/Ted over there on the love seat (waves at Sue/Ted). Would you like red or white with dinner?”

Thanks, @Kardamom. My gut tells me this isn’t a good idea, although I was excited at the possibility at times. He is my best friend. We have a really weird “relationship”. It’s generally not easy for other people to understand. I don’t even always understand it myself… and he doesn’t seem to always understand it, either. I considered us FWBs, but he has told me that he considers us more than that because FWB sounds too much like a booty call and that’s not how he views me. Basically, we don’t really have a label. And yeah, I’m worried about how to explain all of this to my family. I feel like most (if not all) of them might never understand….:$

For more background on our situation, he is a great person and has been there for me through thick and thin. I also try to be there for him no matter what. We talk about a wide variety of topics and get along really well. We talk about so many things (not just sex). He is basically a really close friend I happen to be sexual with sometimes and I trust him so much. One of the only downsides to living with him seems like other people’s judgements or them thinking we should date already or get married. I wish it was easier. Living with him is risking being disowned by my family.

@AnonymousWoman First sit down with yourself and ask yourself what kind of relationship you really have. Dudes are so manipulative in trying to convince women that they are special, even though they might be having relationships with other people (mostly sexual) with other people.

If you are brave enough ask him if he considers you to be his girlfriend or significant other. If not, you really should just consider yourself a booty call.

If he gives you some song and dance about how confused he is, or if he isn’t sure, then tell him that you ought to spend some time apart (instead of moving in together) to figure it out. The give him a month. That ought to be enough time for anyone to decide what they really want.

Don’t buy into him giving you the “You’re a special person” crap unless he really demonstrates that you are his real girlfriend. Unless you enjoy being a booty call. In that case, I’ll shut up.

Don’t lull yourself into thinking that this dude is your best friend. He might be really fun, and hot in bed, but unless he really values you as a life partner, and not just a casual f*ck, then your are doomed as far as a real relationship goes. I can’t imagine f*cking my female best friend.

You are only describing this relationship as a weird relationship, because it’s easier than calling it out for what it really is= FWB’s. Not so weird, fairly common. Always yucky.

Sounds like he’s an F buddy, who would drop you in a second if his real love or another more convenient (less lovey-dovey) F buddy came along. Sorry, dear : (

Thanks for your honesty. I really do appreciate it. I have had many doubts and I’ve voiced many of them. The only thing is that his answers often leave me more confused than before. For example, he pretty much told me that if a girl didn’t like me, she would never become his girlfriend. I found this really odd. What’s even weirder is that he means it. I’ve known this guy since I was 17 years old and he is a really honest person. Do you really think he could dupe me like this after 5 years of knowing each other? And what about him being a good friend to me after I was cheated on by a boyfriend and sexually assaulted? And never disrespecting me by trying to get me to cheat when I had a boyfriend?

Honey, I’m sorry, but guys (and other people) can easily dupe people who they see as vulnerable. Even people who purport to be our friends.

It seems like with this guy, he’s purposely making vague statements so that you will be confused. A confused girl (in love, or strong like) is likely to do just about anything, the guy in question asks. Am I right? It’s so much easier to say, “He’s just confused, or I’m just too confused to sort it all out right now.” Rather than to say he’s just a douche who wants to have multiple sexual relationships with lots of women. Don’t lull yourself into thinking that he’s just sweet and confused. He’s not confused at all. He just wants you to be so you’ll buy into his live-in arrangement.

In the meantime, he’s not comitted to you at all, so he’s already lining up dates. He hopes that you’ll be sweet and understanding while he F’s the brains out of goodness knows who in the next room. That’s sickening, don’t you agree???

Don’t give into his sob story about how it would be so convenient for you to live with him because it’s closer to X,Y an Z and how moving out of your parent’s house will be liberating for you. That’s just a ruse to get a sex buddy to move into his place so it will be convenient for him.

Of course he was nice to you after you revealed your relationship problems. That’s how these dudes lure girls in, by seemingly being nice. He’s not being nice in the long run, he just wants you for an easy access, rent paying, booty call.

Here’s what he probably said, something like this, “Anonymous Woman, that guy was really a douche bag, he didn’t deserve you. Someday you’re going to find someone who really cares about you (you probably thought he meant himself, but he didn’t). I know you’re feeling terrible, why don’t you come to my room and we’ll talk about it (meaning: have sex)”

He probably likes you just fine, but he doesn’t consider you to be girlfriend material, otherwise he would have said so directly. I’m sorry : (

“My gut tells me this isn’t a good idea,”

That right there tells me it’s a bad idea.

@Kardamom It would be easier to believe he is just like a stereotypical FWB guy if he didn’t stick around with me for so long, despite all of the weird problems I have. For example, you seem to think we are having sex all the time. This isn’t really the case. We are sexual, yes, but I’ve had a lot of difficulty with sex. When other guys got frustrated and left, he was always there. Even if I decide I don’t want it anymore, he backs off and doesn’t push me to be part of the arrangement. He doesn’t stop being my friend. He never has. He also confuses the hell out of some of my friends because they don’t understand why we aren’t dating because he’s not ashamed of me in public. He’ll take walks with me and hug me in front of a mall when we meet up or hug me and/or kiss me when saying bye. There have been many times we’ve walked through a parking lot with our arms around each other as well. He has even offered to go shopping with me without me asking him to. It’s not like what you think. He has friends who know about me, too. When I talked to one of his close friends about it, his close friend told me he respects our friendship and just considers us really close and able to do things like that without things being weird between us.

@jerv Yeah, I think you have the right of it. Our actual “relationship” feels fine, but moving in together… No. Too many people wouldn’t understand.

This sounds like a great deal – for him.
I guessing @Karamom nailed it when she described the arguments and justifications he used to convince you this is the best arrangement.
But like she said: “He probably likes you just fine, but he doesn’t consider you to be girlfriend material, otherwise he would have said so directly. I’m sorry : ( ”

While you are wasting time with FWB, the “right” guy is deciding maybe you’re not the person for him.

if I were interesting in dating you and found out you were in an FWB relationship I’d back off really fast – almost as fast as I would if you said you had 3 kids with 3 different fathers. Is that fair? Maybe not. But there are just too many fish in the sea. I want one that I can trust.

Don’t waste your time and resources (emotional, physical,...) on this.

^ So my suspicions are confirmed. It was one of the reasons I fought being a FWB at first. I basically had the attitude “What will other guys think? They won’t want me.” He had this really convincing argument about how if a guy would judge me for that, he’s not worth it anyway… and do I really want a guy like that? I am honest about it with guys I fall for and am seriously considering dating, especially if they are interested in dating me because I think they deserve to know what they are dealing with and what kind of past I have. This has resulted in some interesting reactions, including surprising ones. I can understand why someone would view me as untrustworthy over it, but I don’t think that’s really fair. It seems judgemental. I never cheated with him and he has never tried to help me cheat. If anything, in my last relationship, he backed off and made a point of not doing anything he felt might make my then boyfriend uncomfortable. We pretty much went back to being regular friends. This is one of the reasons I like him so much. Also, when I seem to be really falling for another guy, he will suggest backing off sexually because he “doesn’t want to get in the way of true love”. I used to think I would never, never have a FWB and that all FWB used each other for sex. When I was 19, this guy took me by surprise and told me he would get in bed with me, but didn’t see us as a couple. I was so shocked, I didn’t know how to react. Then I went through a period of questioning my morals, etc. But it’s really weird because he treats me better than all of my ex-boyfriends combined.

Could you guys tell me what you think of this part? Thanks!

We talk about so much and know each other’s opinions on a whole variety of topics. We talk about our families and our friends. He’ll tell me about his cousins, his other relatives, and his Mom. There was one time he even showed me all of the pictures on his phone and made a joke that “Now you know my whole life”. He’ll tell me about video games he’s playing. In fact, he just did this recently with a new video game that came out and told me about the character he was playing in it and what his character does. He tells me about random stuff from the news and Science related topics because he’s really into that. We’ve had long discussions about our opinions on particular things that came up for some reason or other… such as abortion, prenuptial agreements, same-sex marriage, polygamous marriage, different religions, Atheism, Agnosticism, books, etc. He got me into Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, which I am so grateful for. It feels so natural to talk about anything with him and I find that I enjoy hearing about him and his day as well. Recently (I’m going by memory and summarizing), he told me that he views girlfriends as temporary and I’m more than a girlfriend to him, more permanent, whatever that means. He also said he doesn’t see much of a point in having a girlfriend at this age because they don’t seem to last anyway…and also that if he put a label on what we have, it could ruin things and we might no longer talk if we break up. Something else he told me recently was “I don’t even know what I view you as anymore.” I know that getting my hopes up is stupid, so there’s no point in trying. But it helps to have a third party opinion sometimes.

It sounds like you are both good friends, you find each other sexually attractive, and you get along well, but neither of you sound like you’re ready for a real relationship with each other. I don’t know all of the reasons why you’re both not ready, only you two can answer that, but to really commit to another partner takes a whole other level of trust and maturity. It’s different for every individual, but when you find someone special, you’ll know it. Until you do find that person, I think it’s a really bad idea to move in with someone else. You won’t be completely fuflfilled by your roomie and you may miss out on that special person out there.

What?!?! “He had this really convincing argument about how if a guy would judge me for that, he’s not worth it anyway… and do I really want a guy like that?” Your answer should be “Hell yes, I do!”
That’s precisely the kind of guy you want for a life partner. Someone who thinks having sex with you means something. Someone who wants and is proud to call you a girlfriend/ fiance/spouse – not some unnamed “I don’t know what to call you”.

If you move in with him and continue to offer FWB options you are hurting your chances for a stable relationship with someone who might seriously be interested in you – the kind of person you want.

He will gladly string you along until either you wake up or he gets married. At that point your status will change from “I don’t know what to all you.” to “Mistress”.

This year, invest in yourself. Stay home, avoid drama, work hard, save your money and move in with your girlfriend when she gets her apartment a year from now. It will be well worth the wait.

@Adirondackwannabe Thanks for not automatically assuming he is a bad guy. I really appreciate that. The world isn’t always so black and white. I have many reasons to believe he is a good and honest person. He told me that mainly our sense of humour is why he doesn’t see me as a girlfriend. Also, he says he loves me, but doesn’t have butterflies for me…? Anyway, if he is a terrible person for not seeing me as a girlfriend, I guess I must be a terrible person, too. Personally, I don’t feel he should consider me a girlfriend if he doesn’t feel like that is what is best for us…. and although I like the fantasy of him considering me his girlfriend sometimes, I am not really comfortable with considering him my boyfriend right now. I’ve already been in boyfriend/girlfriend relationships with close friends before, but it never worked out. Our friendship always ended up ruined. I feel like I mostly want the label because of other people’s pressure to get them to shut up and leave me alone. It can be so frustrating to deal with questions like “WHY AREN’T YOU DATING?”, etc. And one time, when he actually met one of my friends, she talked to me later and said something like “OMG, YOU GUYS SHOULD JUST DATE ALREADY. YOU TWO AREN’T NORMAL. YOU ACT LIKE A COUPLE! NOBODY DOES THAT…”

@LuckyGuy Because he is right in a way that if a guy would judge me negatively based on my past, he isn’t a good fit for me. I would not become a mistress. If he becomes taken by another girl, we would go back to being regular friends/possibly not talk as much anymore. Also, he has been honest with me and has told me about times he fell for other girls. He also said that if he was going to do something with other girls, he would tell me and has assured me that we “have been monogamous”. It seems like the only reason people don’t believe his claims when they don’t is because he isn’t my boyfriend, but ironically, it is the guys who have been my boyfriends who are the ones who have been straight up dishonest with me. I don’t really see how slapping a label on a girl automatically makes a guy more honest. Guys who have done this to me weren’t necessarily as honest. One cheated on me and sexually assaulted me and pressured me into sex when I was not ready. Another told me he wasn’t being completely honest about loving me. Another told me he loved me while I was with him, but admitted later that he didn’t truly ever love any girl. So, this guy comes along, and tells me that he doesn’t want to be the type of guy who gets into a relationship with a girl by pretending to love her just to get in her pants…. and he’s the manipulative, dishonest one who is stringing me along? I mean, the judgements just don’t seem fair! They seem to be based off of stereotypes. And our friendship is a lot more than just ‘sex’, despite what other people think. It is possible to be in a situation like this where both people truly care about each other. All of this being said, it is likely the best option to stay home and save money and possibly move in with my best female friend if she’s still up for that by the time she moves out.

If you meet someone while you are living with FWB the new person is not judging you based upon the past. He is judging you based upon the present – the front and center fact that you are living with another guy you are sleeping with.
That tends to discourage stable, conservative guys interested in long term relationships.

^ Yes, I do realize that. However, it would still be part of the past in a way. Why? Because I would not cheat with him. Am I making sense? Besides that, I don’t really want to be with a guy who doesn’t believe me about this anyway. It would tell me that he doesn’t understand me. It’s probably better if we don’t end up together if he can’t understand and doesn’t trust this part of myself. Believe it or not, there are guys out there who do understand my situation and are secure with themselves. I used to think it was a deal-breaker with every guy, but I’ve found that this is not the case. There are guys who are worth it who are not turned off by it. As for the guys who are, we may just be incompatible.

My best friend allowed her boyfriend, who didn’t want children, to move into her family home while her parents lived there. Years later her parents died but he stayed on. She did his laundry, took his insults, did most of the cooking and all the cleaning. She wanted kids but he said no way. This year he married her; she is sixty eight; he is seventy four. He never worked a day; she worked full time for thirty years and bought her two more houses within the last five years. I guess whether it was a good deal for her depends on what she thinks of it.

@AnonymousWoman You wrote:“My gut tells me this isn’t a good idea,.”
I could not agree with you more.

I hope the new living arrangement leads to all the happiness you desire.

@Aster Wow. That’s really sad. :( From my understanding, this guy is willing to share responsibility with me and divide up tasks. We have talked about a lot of stuff like who would be responsible for what including cleaning duties, how the kitchen will be used, how our home would be decorated, how rent would be paid, how and when to respect each other’s space, how to treat guests, living habits, how we each would like to be treated as a roommate, how we don’t want to be treated as a roommate, etc. We seem to be very compatible as roommates, even if not as a couple. Oddly, friends who I have told about this because I wanted their opinions on the matter are super supportive. Now I wonder if they are just being nice, but secretly don’t approve? This is one of the reasons I like asking opinions anonymously online because it feels like people find it easier to tell you straight what they really think because they don’t know you.

@LuckyGuy Yes, it’s true that my gut tells me it’s not a good idea, but I am not talking about the “relationship” itself when I say that. I’m talking about actually living together. The actual “relationship” on its own is fine. In fact, it’s the most fulfilling one I’ve ever had. I’m leaning more on the side of not living with him, though. And he understands that it is a difficult choice for me to make. It’s not a requirement. If anything, he seems to want this more than I do. Part of it is that he wants me to be his running partner and it would be easier to be his running partner if I lived with him. If I live at home, being his running partner wouldn’t work out as much because my parents would be against me running with a guy every day.

@AnonymousWoman I’m an old cynic. If a man told me he would split everything I wouldn’t believe him for a minute. He might do this stuff for two days but then his man would come out. lol This reminds me of lifelong bachelors who, when aged and sick, suddenly turn all romantic and want a wife. Er, I mean a nurse.
FWIW, your last sentence, above, made me laugh.

I don’t know, though. He is pretty responsible. I’ve known him for 5 years. He treats his family really well, too, and takes excellent care of his pets. This is an improvement (in my opinion) from my last boyfriend who would kick his dog, which I was shocked when I saw him do it and was not comfortable with how he treated this innocent animal. He also cooks his own meals, does his own laundry, and has incredibly good hygiene. For a 21 year old guy, I think that’s pretty respectable. I don’t really assume guys are lazy just because they are guys. I suppose that’s because I have brothers and a father who aren’t lazy, so I know not all men are. And he wasn’t telling me these things to brag, either. It just naturally came out in conversations on IM sometimes because he’d tell me he was busy doing this or that (laundry or making his supper) and that’s why he wasn’t responding right away.

Oh, @Aster, I thought I should add… this guy really doesn’t seem to want to get married at all. He seems to consider the possibility of getting married one day only because he knows that’s what many women want and knows a large pool of women wouldn’t be down with not ever getting married. Your bachelor comment was funny to me. He’s never had a girlfriend as long as I’ve known him (and even when I didn’t, he just wasn’t the type of guy who had a girlfriend or viewed it as important to have one), even though he could easily have one if he wanted one. Back in HS, one of his friends told me that he (meaning this guy) was a virgin and didn’t seem to care. Of course this ended up attracting me because I find it awesome when a guy is a virgin and isn’t desperate to lose his virginity. It also wasn’t creepy to me when he seriously expressed an interest in being FWB with me because I am the one who showed attraction to him in the first place. And a bunch of this lead off from me being all over him one day on a couch while we were watching a movie. I was super attracted to him for a long time before that, and then that day just felt natural. Uhh…....? So, if this guy is a terrible guy, then I’m terrible, too. If he’s using me, then doesn’t that mean I’m using him? I really care about him, though.

I think couples need to have the same desires. If you both want to be FWB, fine. If you are both thinking maybe marriage, fine. If one of you is thinking serious relationship and the other FWB, not fine. Figure out what you two want on that front first, and go from there.

Even leaving relationships out of it, living with a person changes things. I’ve shared apartments with guy friends, one of whom I’ve known for longer than you’ve been alive, and it turned out badly both times. The second time, I moved out before things got too bad; it seemed a better option than losing a good friend, and things have improved back to where they were. Something to consider.

Update: The guy who inspired this thread is now my boyfriend. I didn’t push him into it or anything. It just happened naturally. When he expressed an interest in seriously being my boyfriend instead of just considering the possibility (which he had been doing before), I made sure to find out if this was what he really wanted. Apparently it is what he really wants. I feel like I did the right thing in not giving him any ultimatums. I feel like not making him put a label on what we have was the right choice. This came as a surprise to me, though, because I wasn’t expecting things to happen so fast. I was considering leaving, but the more and more I considered it, the more and more he seemed to be considering putting a label on what we have. One of the best parts of this whole thing is that he doesn’t seem to have changed at all. He is still the same person he was before he asked me if I would be his girlfriend. It feels nice to know that the stereotypes surrounding FWB relationships aren’t always true and that we are living proof of it.

@AnonymousWoman Good for you. Hope it works out well for both of you.

@AnonymousWoman Congratulations, I hope you have a long and happy relationship : )

Thank you, @Adirondackwannabe and @Kardamom! I appreciate it. :)