To find balance, or to find purpose?

I learned the hard way that I can’t control very much of my life, and therefore, I have to learn to live with what life dishes out. Controlling events and even people always leads me to unhappiness.

In my opinion, I see a lot of the desire to control things in what you’ve written here. You can’t.

Your desire to become the absolute best at something, to conquer it, is control. Even when you do become the very best, I believe, one learns s/he is only the lucky recipient of a gift. It’s not control.

Hmm, problem is moving to a different place will not help you long term – one thing I have learned so far is you cannot escape from yourself, no matter where you go, there you are. If you want my opinion, I think you would benefit from zen. Especially the koans. Koans are fun, and help give you a simpler, yet clearer perspective on things. Start with a cup of tea and keep reading. Sorry I do not know how to be more helpful here. Good luck!

You do sound manic; I am having trouble reading all the text.

But I do remember a calmer version of this you asked about pursuing your passions vs. your full-time job. http://www.fluther.com/149653/i-want-to-pursue-my-passionsbut-i-have-a-full-time/

In spite of being asked by several responders to be specific about your passions (relating to your home studio), you never responded. I did wonder why you were being so cagey. The last comment in that thread was me saying, “Curious that the OP has not yet defined his passion.”

how about finding a therapist to help you perhaps sort things out?

It really would help if you could be more specific. Do you work at home? What kind of work do you do?

Have you thought of doing volunteer work? It may help if you think in terms of helping someone else rather than reflecting everything back to yourself. If you do decide to do volunteer work, do not get competitive about it. However much or little you do is worthwhile in and of itself.

You seem to have some insight into what your problems are. @gailcalled ‘s suggestion might be worth pursuing.

Hi, I know exactly how you feel. I dropped out of college for emotional reasons, and now I feel like a failure. I, too, have had all sorts of dreams and goals. I wanted to be a dentist, I wanted to be an Ofsted inspector, I wanted to be a bus driver at one point! Now I want to be a writer. My inconsistency gets me down as I think that all of these goals aren’t actually achievable, especially if I can’t actually stick to them. I despise applying for jobs because I know that in this day and age, I’ll most likely get rejected, but I know that I have to apply. Like you, I hate rejection, and I can sometimes be reclusive. In an ideal world, I would be sat up in my room, much like you say – writing, listening to music, singing songs, although I would have to read.

I think maybe you should focus on finding balance first. I once read Who Moved My Cheese? and it asked the question: “What would I do if I weren’t afraid?” It really got me thinking. Make some goals, small at first, such as inviting friends over to watch a movie. This way you’re in your ‘safe zone’ but you’ve also broken the habit because you’re with other people. I think when your purpose, for the time being, is to find your balance and feel at ease with yourself. When you’ve found your balance, you can then create bigger purposes – such as by aiming for a different job, or whatever you like, really!

Please remember that you’re not the only one feeling this way, and try not to feel too down about it.

Wow, quite a situation and it doesn’t sound pleasant. To me it sounds like you need to talk to a professional therapist. But you seem very rational, and we’ve all been through those phases at some point, no worries.

^^^ I can speak only for myself; I have not been through these phases at any point in my life.

Obsession, reclusiveness, retrospective paralysis, masochism, terror, addiction are not common behaviors, particularly all of them.

I concur that the situation as described seems rather beyond the realm of typical soul-searching and angst, and also recommend some professional guidance.

Balance, purpose, contentment, wholeness, fulfillment, and true happiness really can only come from within. The current western culture, in particular, seems to focus on superficial markers of success or external sources of thrills, and I’ve watched many people achieve a goal only to find it anticlimactic and wondering what comes next.

Similarly, I suspect that society’s external focus also serves as a distraction, so people can avoid doing the true soul-searching that involves the work of defining one’s own values and priorities in life, taking accountability for one’s own actions, and accepting the many aspects of life that are beyond one’s control. It seems that many of us get caught up in ‘the game’ and we might set aside our true values in order to advance toward a goal, but then have some remorse and don’t really like who we are. Coming to terms with that, and forgiving ourselves for it is not easy.

Letting go of the illusion of control and dropping expectations I’d placed on myself and others were key steps to finding a sense of inner peace. I had to accept my own human flaws, as well as those of others, and eventually learned to see that our idiosyncrasies are what makes us each unique and beautiful and that our insecurities about our differences is inherent in us all. I stopped feeling like I had to prove myself to the people that had hurt me in the past, and that doing so meant that I was still allowing them to dictate how I lived my life. I acknowledged the mistakes I’d made, and realized that it was up to me to choose actions in each moment that will leave me with the fewest regrets in the future so I could sleep more soundly at night.

Once I got to the nitty-gritty of who I am and developed my own sense of integrity, I no longer felt hollow or worried about others perceived me, or whether they liked me or rejected me. Everyone’s personal journey is different, and many of us have been wounded. I hope that you will reach out for help and will find your way.

You should find yourself a good therapist. It helped me a lot. Best of luck to you!

you are on a way to become a saint…....enjoy it too.