It’s good to be sensitive and grateful to kindness and good deeds, but the way in which you worded your question makes me think that you’re still on the cruel path of self-defeatism. You second guess yourself and others at every turn. You are a ball of nerves and that doesn’t serve you well. This fellow may not know this about you yet, but being around super-nervous or super-shy or super-unsure-of-themselves people can be very draining. I’m afraid that is what happened to you before. I know this is a new situation, but I see you heading down that path again. We all care about you and want you to be happy, I’m not admonishing you, I’m just telling you how the situation looks from a nuetral position.
The other Jellies and I would desperately like to help you, but I still believe that you need to get some professional counseling to help you to deal with your anxiety, depression and skewed vision. You’re a neat person and have a lot going for you. I could never do half of what you do with work and school, in a subject that I cannot even comprehend, and your singing that I could only ever dream of doing, but the anxiety and sadness that you have suffered for such a long time isn’t going to go away on it’s own. You don’t deserve to experience so much pain, no one does.
Your friend, although super busy, is probably a lot like my brother and one of my good friends. They’re both busy as bees, but they’re dynamos and would give just about anyone the shirt off of their backs. Your friend might be one of these types of people, who can’t help themselves but to be kind and helpful to others, even if it is a minor (to them) inconvenience.
He may also (not instead of, but also) have the beginnings of some romantic feelings for you.
I’m very concerned that whether he does see you as more than a friend, or just as a nice platonic friend, you are going to get yourself all worked up into a frenzy and put him and his kind deeds up on the highest and grandest pedestal you can find. If you do that again then you are going to make your own life miserable, again. No one, not even the mother Teresas and the Mahatma Ghandis of this world want to live on a pedestal. They were simply endowed by their creator (or their parents) with a fantastic ability to do good works, but for them they just see those good works as the normal course of their daily dealings, along with fixing dinner, brushing their teeth and doing the laundry. In other words, it’s part of their makeup.
The only people that want to live on pedestals are ego-tistical politicians and actors and mean bosses. And This Guy sorry, couldn’t resist, I just had to throw in a little levity.
If this guy has romantic feelings for you, or just sees you as a good platonic friend, then yay for you! It’s all good. But you need to figure out a way to be able to perceive what his feelings for you are. Usually it’s pretty easy to know whether a guy is interested in you romantically or not, but I realize that you have had some problems with mis-interpreting the signs, and then trying to fix the situation in ways that seemed to me, to be quite desperate.
Life doesn’t have to be that way. You can have a ton of passion (the good stuff) without having all of the desperation (the bad stuff that makes you do stuff that you’ll later regret). And don’t let any other mis-guided, depressed romantics out there try to convince you that life cannot be full unless the good stuff is tempered with equal amounts of shitty stuff. It just isn’t true. You should talk to Coloma. She’s about your same age, a few years younger than me. She put up with a lot of shit from a bunch of douchey people over the years, but she recently, within the last year or so, kicked that sh*t to the curb. Now she lives her life as she chooses. She’s been a real inspiration to me, maybe she can inspire you too.
Sometimes the easiest way to find out if a fellow is romantically inclined toward you is to let him know that you are romantically inclined toward him and ask him out of a casual date. You can pretty much be certain of how he feels about you, by how he responds. In the past, you’ve found it difficult or even impossible to get yourself to that stage, of talking to a guy like an actual human being. For this reason, and the others stated above, I really think it’s imperative for you to get some counseling, so you can learn to calm yourself down, to be self-effacing without being a doormat, and to look at things in a more realistic manner, and to have more realistic expectations of how things really are. Is there a reason why you have not pursued counseling? It’s certainly not something to be ashamed of, I would say at least 25%, maybe more of the Jellies have had some type of counseling. Maybe some of those folks could come over here and talk about their experiences.
If you don’t take anything more from this post, at least remember this, guys are not knights in shining armour, they’re dudes in tidy whities : )