How does one find who they are?

First of all, congratulations on making an important decision on your own. That’s huge.

In my opinion, if you’re terrified, you’re doing it right.

There is no shame, at any age, in seeking out the advice of those who love you, but in the end, you have to be able to sit alone with your thoughts and decide what is right for you.

I don’t see it as wrong to try to live up to expectations other people have – assuming those expectations are appropriate.

It seems to me that no one has a single path to find. You find something that works, you make the best of it, you try to make things a little better for everyone else. And don’t whine.

Finding yourself is easy: get drunk and you’re bound to trip over yourself sooner or later.

On a more serious note, try spending time with yourself “doing nothing” i.e. just thinking.

In my opinion, if you knew you wanted to change your major and then went ahead and changed it, you are already doing it. Keep following the same inner guide that led you to that step. You become who you are by the choices you make every day.

I am having trouble comprehending the notion that parents of a 42-year-old expect to have any say in what she studies. Surely you are paying your own way? and living on your own, apart from them? Maybe they are looking forward to seeing you behave independently enough to decide these things without consulting them or worrying about their approval. Otherwise how will they know that you can take care of yourself and manage your life when they’re gone?

@6rant6…was I whining? Sorry if I was…

@fremen_warrior…lol! I have little enough time to sit and do nothing these days…

@Jeruba…I am my own person in this. It’s just that everyone in my family is constantly nagging at me about how much longer school is going to take…and I am tired of it.

@yankeetooter, did you know that you can add to and edit a post for about 10 minutes after you make it? That allows you to add comments to an existing post rather than creating a whole separate post. There tends to be a preference for consolidating your posts so we don’t see a series of quips from the same person.

You could try telling your family that you are tired of their nagging. My answer to your actual question is that you’re on the right track already.

A good small first step is to tell your family, pleasantly but firmly, to stop nagging you.

Easier said than done, @gailcalled…and thanks for the helpful tip, @Jeruba.

@yankeetooter: That is how adults define themselves…we all have to learn how to confront those who are doing us no good. This is a very good place to start.

Be clear, be firm and then tell them that you will not discuss it any longer.

I’ve often wondered this. I’m 33 and I still live in a constant identity crisis.

Excellent advice, @gailcalled.

And yes, easier said than done, @yankeetooter, but so is everything else. That doesn’t mean it isn’t perfectly doable. Practice: “That’s enough about this subject. I’m doing fine and will let you know when I need any further advice on my academic career.”

Try a little detachment and just watch for the interesting reactions, but don’t let them affect you one way or the other.

I…am not good at being so blunt, at hurting others (potentially). I am too much of a tender soul. @WillWorkForChocolate…how do you combat that fact?

There is an art to confronting someone without being either aggressive, blunt, hurtful or rude. it comes with being a grown-up.

“Mom, I understand your point of view. Please don’t mention it again. Now, how are you? Have you started the diet as I suggested? No? Why not?”

Well, not exactly like that. Can you read some material online about how to be assertive and yet pleasant?

My therapist taught me how to ask questions rather than making statements

So, don’t say, “Mom, cut that out. I’ve told you a million times.”

Try, “Mom, do you know how often you have asked me that? Have you heard my response? Can we please talk about something else?

Another way to view this is that you are allowing yourself to be bullied. Again, there will be online discussions on how to deal with adult bullies.

Believe me, I know…my family has been bullying me my whole life.

@yankeetooter: Please reword that immediately.

“I have been allowing my family to bully me my whole life.”

You have now defined one really important problem that has a solution. Please try to find it..here, online forums, therapy. The only way to deal with this is to start to deal with it. Otherwise, you continue on in this rut that we have been hearing about, in one form or another, since you joined.

Why are you so frightened of taking care of yourself? What would happen if you challenged your family, one by one?

At this point, I don’t feel like I can. My parents are in their seventies, and at this point to stand up to them seems like I am attacking them when they are weak. I am no bully myself! You don’t know my family…it is not so easy to stand up to them. Sometimes I really want to run away from everything and everybody I know…

I’m done here.

@yankeetooter Sorry, my mistake. It did look like I was calling you a whiner. I just meant when __one__ accepts things as okay, part of that should be not whining.

You have given us, over and over, the reasons why everything is going to remain the same. I am out of ideas.

@6rant6…I guess sometimes I worry that that IS how I come off to people, and since I don’t like when people whine constantly, I worry I am being hypocritical.

@gailcalled, I know I must be the most frustrating person in the world to talk to. Most days trying to figure out everything feels overwhelming. Rest assured, I have listened to everything every one has said on here, and I am trying to be more assertive, but that is something that is very hard to overcome.

No matter what, I am going ahead with my major…it is something I am passionate about, and moving ahead has been very sustaining as my current job has become more frustrating…

In the end, this is your life. It doesn’t belong to your parents and they can’t live it for you.

You can keep making excuses that it’s too hard to tell them what you want from your life, but you will keep feeling like you are living for other people. You have a choice to make. As @gailcalled suggested there are ways to be honest and direct without being cruel, blunt or hurtful. You are an adult. You have to start taking responsibility for your own mistakes and your own needs.

If you really find it hard to speak to them, put it in a letter. Explain why you have made these choices, that you made the choice a while ago and it is going well and you will see them in a couple of weeks when they have had time to process the change. Tell them you feel bullied and you need them to trust you to make your own decisions. Then don’t visit for a week or two.

I think you may be doing this, but see a counsellor too. Someone who can help you start to have faith in your own ability and right to run your own life. Stop making excuses.

Dear @yankeetooter why, oh why have you not considered counseling??? You have issues up the wazoo, feelings of inadequacy, elder parents who don’t understand/approve, guys who mislead/conufse you.

You’re an intelligent and creative being. Something that I could never even aspire to (although I’ve got my moments). But you seem unable/unwilling to take a simple step, to talk to a counselor to find out what kind of treament/therapy might be able to help you. Why? Why? Why? Why? You never respond to me when I suggest therapy, even though I think this is what you desperately need/deserve. You have so much potential, yet you tend to do the same desperate things over and over again.

Of course your family and your parents are very important. But if you are not doing what is right and healthy for you, you will live out your days in agony. None of us wants that for you!

You don’t need to “stand up to” or “bully” your parents, but you do need to sit them down and have a heart to heart talk with them about what is desirable/possible for you. In the meantime, I still really think that you need to seek out the competent services of a good therapist. Not just any therapist, and you might need to try out a few before you find the right one (so don’t let that dissuade you). You have a lot on your plate. No one can/would expect you to tackle it all by yourself, that’s why we live in a society.

I’m so sorry that you feel like most people in your life are unable/unwilling to give you a simple favor or act of kindness. In my life, it’s been about 50/40 with the do-gooders leading the pack and the douchebags continueing their douchey ways. Avoid the douche-bags and walk toward the do-gooders and follow their example. Pay it forward and never expect a reward, just know that your are doing something hepful rather than destructive or idle.

You should invest some time and read the inspirational and practical writings of one of our first ladies, Eleanor Roosevelt. She said something like, she knew she would never be a beauty, so she instead would have to be useful.. That is something I’ve tried to live by, ever since hearing it.

Be the change you want to see!

I don’t worry too much about pleasing bullies.

I think we all struggle with finding ourselves and where we belong, if you are that passionate about your new major your family should see it in your face when you are telling them about it. I think you should just do it and the heck with what others think about what you want to be when you grow up.

Learned helplessness is a bitch, isn’t it? I was trained into that too. At some point you have to take responsibility for your reactions and your thought patterns. And you can change them if you truly desire to do so.

Asserting yourself is not the same thing as “attacking” the people who are belittling you. They must have trained you well… If your parents view your independence and assertiveness as a threat, THAT IS THEIR PROBLEM, NOT YOURS. Your parents are adults, too, and their emotional reactions are their responsibility. This is coming from a 24 year old who had to cut his parents off because they were emotionally and physically abusive (not just “bullies”), and they would rather see me live the rest of my life miserable and suicidal rather than embarrass them by being myself.

I second the above suggestions for going to counseling or therapy. This was immensely helpful for me. Even though peers and mentors had been telling me since I was in high school to stop giving a damn about my parents, it took months of therapy for me to finally make that decision and stick with it.

Someone I respect very much told me “Remember, you have only one life, and no one else will live it for you.” I wrote that on an index card and stuck it on my wall so I’ll see it every day.

I agree with so many of the above suggestions (I have been where you are, and still go there occasionally if I am not careful). You sound like a typical Pisces (not that you follow astrology or are a Pisces, but the description of a Pisces fits and, sometimes, if we take an example outside of ourselves, it is easier to see patterns). I took the paragraph below and substituted your name for Pisces:

“Yankeetooter possesses a gentle, patient, malleable nature. S/he has many generous qualities and is friendly, good natured, kind and compassionate, sensitive to the feelings of those around him/her, and responds with the utmost sympathy and tact to any suffering s/he encounters. S/he is deservedly popular with all kinds of people, partly because her/his easygoing, affectionate, submissive nature offers no threat or challenge to stronger and more exuberant characters. S/he accepts the people around him/her and the circumstances in which s/he find him/herself rather than trying to adapt them to suit him/herself, and s/he patiently waits for problems to sort themselves out rather than take the initiative in solving them.”

Therapy is great for sorting through things and changing your world, but many of us really don’t want to change because we are afraid of the unfamiliar. It could get better if we do these things (or so the therapist says) but our brains turn it around to “yeah, but it could get a lot worse too and that’s what I am afraid of.”

If you are paying for school, you can take anything you want. Only if your parents are contributing financially to your education do they get to have an opinion (if your choices are going to increase their contribution, it is only fair that they get to comment). Otherwise, how you choose to spend your money is your business.

@Kayak8…sounds good, except I am a Leo, lol! But at least the first half fit…after that, not so much.

@yankeetooter What do you think about counseling?

I tried it before, and it didn’t help. I have problems opening up to a stranger…

@yankeetooter Then you need to try another counselor or therapist who is more suited to your needs. Just because you went to one, and you didn’t like it, that should not be the end of it. Some of the Jellies with bigger problems than yours had to go through several therapists and several medications before they found the right combination. And sometimes it’s a matter of sticking with it long enough for it to work, some people leave therapy too early or don’t give their meds enough time before they kick in.

You say you have problems opening up to a stranger. You’re opening up to us and we’re complete strangers to you.

Your problems can’t be fixed with wishful thinking. I think it’s imperative that you get some type of professional treatment. Because you are in school, there will be health services available to you. The people that work in health services can refer you to treatment options. Not all therapies are the same. Don’t waste another moment of your precious time, get over there ASAP.

You can read Here about some of the different kinds of therapy.

You can read more about Treatments for Anxiety Disorders

And we talked about this before, but I’ll mention it again. Toastmasters is a free organization that helps people to learn how to speak, confidently in front of other people and to learn leadership skills.

This Site discusses how to talk to a therapist, for people that are shy or anxious about talking to a therapist. There’s even some info about starting treatment as online therapy.

I’m guessing that you may also suffer from Telephone Anxiety and that is something that might be holding you back too, with regards to finding a therapist. This site tells you how to help yourself with that problem.

Here’s some more information about symptoms, causes and treatments for social anxiety from the Mayo Clinic

And here is more information about social anxiety from the National Institute of Health

And here is some info about coping with anxiet as a College Student and where and how to get help.

This is a great question, and I know the answer. But it is not the same for everyone.