What would you do in a complicated love triangle?

Whether you include either woman in your life is totally up to you. From the way you have made it sound here, your ex-wife is the best candidate.

Your current lover just cheated on you. What makes you think she will remain faithful in the future? What makes you think that she has changed? You called her immature.

I would take everything very slowly. Let’s see over time how your ex-wife is going to behave. let’s see her in times of stress.

I would break up with the other woman (if you have not already). Are you sure the twins are yours? If not, a paternity test is in order.

If you’re not sure, wait before making any decision and take time to think through what is important to you. It may very well be that neither lady is right for you. If you do come to that determination, make sure to play an active role in the life of these children.

If your current gf is unfaithful, why would you think she will all of a sudden be faithful now?

If your ex-wife went away for 2 years with minimal contact, it sounds like she sowed wild oates. Are you now the ‘rebound’ safe guy? Or did she have some epiphony that you were the one that got away too? If you think she is the one that you should be with I’d suggest marriage counseling before you do anything else.

I think if you wait and give this time that the answer will come to you. The one who is not in it for the long haul will reveal herself. Good luck. Peace, BosM

Those are both very good answers. I guess it comes down to time to think things through. And I would never abandone my kids, its unthinkable. None the less I would rather not have to start over by myself. A good companion that I know will stick by me is what I need. Maybe I should get a dog…

I agree with @marinelife and @BosM – there is NO rush here. You need to focus on your children first, and on stabilizing your life further—especially in regards to your own maturity. It seems that you’ve rushed into things with both of these women, by getting married to the first so soon out of High School, and by having kids with the second while still married to the first.

In life, we only have to answer to ourselves, until we have children. Once there are kids, they must be your first priority. Being a parent goes FAR beyond paying for their food and shelter (and with 3 kids, that’s gonna cost a whole lot as they get older). It is crucial that you become a role model, and lead by example. It is completely true that kids do not learn by what they are told, it is by how they live.

I suggest that you forego ANY relationship for a while and establish a routine around your work and your kids. These women will show their true colors soon enough, if they create drama or if they respect the position you are in and the father you are being. If you are truly compatible with either of them, you will know for sure soon enough.

@hearkat Dont get me wrong. its a very long story with a lot of things that shouldnt have happened, happended and even more variables that were not mentions in the question itself. My purpose was for a general Inquiry from an outside source.
Not for a roast. but I get your point.

In my experience one can never go back, it just doesn’t work. It seems to me, and I am not a suspicious type by nature, but…it seems as if there is at least some small measure of gold digging going on here. Both these women now see that you are perched on the cusp of monetary success and may want another, bigger,
slice of your pie. I would not jump back into anything with either of them, although the first seems a better risk than the second.

I would concentrate on getting settled in your new job and area, learning to be comfortable alone, devote yourself to your children and make no major decisions in the romance arena for at least a year, maybe longer.
The more needy you are for someone, anyone, to prop you up in life, the more likely you will make poor choices in relationship. Yes, I would get a dog, or a cat, and give yourself enough space to really find some clarity.

I’d also suggest you be VERY careful with your birth control,3children is more than enough and there are plenty of sleazy women out there that will think nothing of allowing themselves to get pregnant if they get their claws on a successful man.

P.S. You also seriously need to finalize your divorce, your ex wife that you are separated from is still entitled to some of your assets at this time, and, unless the separation is a LEGAL separation, which would have stopped her ability to further make claims on any future assets, you are already screwed. If you start making the big bucks she can ask for an exorbitant amount of “maintenance” on top of the child support.

Shit happens, but sorry, you’ve really dug your own grave here my friend, getting involved and fathering more kids before you have finalized a divorce is not a good thing at all.

If you have a child, you and his/her mother have a parental marriage for the life of the child.

That is what matters. Whether you and she hook up sexaully is not important now. Start with the child’s welfare and nurturing.

@psyonicpanda: Sorry if I came across as harsh. I made many mistakes in my youth and I am speaking from experience. I wish I’d had a forum like this where someone might be honest with me 15 years ago, it took me too long to learn the hard way.

I am glad that I asked its had sometimes to look at the paths that one has taken and the perspective of anther person. @Coloma a finalized Divorce would have been great if I had had the money at the time to see it through. After some thought about what you said I think there might be some shadystuff going on as well. @gailcalled your point of veiw is correct right now all that should matter is the growth of of the children BUT in the end I could end up losing all of them if for some reason things go sour. Child support does not bother me. Its the aspect of not being able to be the father that my kids deserve. and @hearkat thank you for shareing your knowledge.
for reference my “wife” had just left. we were having relatively simple issues and she just left. I did not cheat on her with the current “Ex”
another tab was the Ex WAS supposed to be on birth controle but she did not tell me at the time that she ran out. then all the sudden BAM! two babies.
It is clear that I need to reevaluate myself. Still, I am not the same person I was one year ago let along two. Maybe it is time for me to establish myself first.

How many children with how many women are we talking about?

Is “wife” different from a legal spouse.

Is “Ex” different from “ex”? Who are all these women?

What is your relationship to your children? How much time do you spend with them? What do you do with them? How old are they? Who takes care of them during the day? Do the mothers work?

In my opinion, the most important thing should be your children. I wonder if your idea of taking care of your children would be the same as mine. The way you write hints that you might live in a different country or be from a different culture. Not sure about that, but wanted to know for sure before I made any cultural assumptions.

Bottom line is you spill your seed like an 18-wheeler guzzles gas. Now you have three kids and two exes and you’re trying to figure out how to manage your life.

Number 1: You have an obligation to all three kids for the next 18 years. I don’t care about the women, but you have that financial and social obligation.

Number 2: Woman #2 sounds like poison. As you describe her, it is a big IF. I don’t buy cars with the idea that some day tires may be manufactured. I buy cars where the tires are already installed. So don’t get back to her.

Number 3: Woman #1 is no great shakes either. If you separated once, what is the assurance that she won’t be just as weird in the future? I wouldn’t count on that working out long term.

Bottom line. Don’t get together with either woman. But take care of the kids.

@psyonicpanda: I was pretty clear that you and the wife were separated, and didn’t think that you had cheated on her with the second woman. I was just making the point that having kids with the new one before a divorce is finalized is moving very quickly. As for the second woman “supposed to be on birth control”, each of us is responsible for our own actions. If a man does not want children, it is up to him to use birth control. I have had this very discussion with my 21-year-old son. Birth control can fail, and unfortunately, some women do lie about taking it – so always use a condom.

You say that you’re worried about losing your kids if things “go sour” with either of these women. If they are your children, then you can be sure that you can be a part of their lives. If the kids’ mothers want to make it difficult for you, it is up to you to document everything and to go through the courts to ensure that your parental rights are protected.

@gailcalled: He married the first woman after high school and they had a child together; then she left. While separated, he started dating the second woman, and they have twins together. Legally, he is still married to the first woman; in the most recent comment he refers to the second woman as the “current ex”.

I would suggest focusing on getting yourself situated and getting things settled with your children (a stable relationship, custody, visitation, etc) rather than considering relationships with either of the women right now.

You say that being with either one is rather “uninviting”, so why bother settling with either one of them?

well that escalated rather quickly…..