Reality will hit soon enough. Why make it come sooner?

When I was single I used to give into my feelings and throw myself into the relationship. Sometimes it turned out, sometimes it didn’t. When I met the woman who became my wife, it was different, though. We were friends first, with no real romantic interest, at least at first. We became very good platonic friends, then we started noticing mutually romantic feelings. We both valued our friendship, and made a promise to remain friends, even if the romance part did not work out. The romance did work out, we got married, and 24 years and 3 kids later, we still consider each other to be best friends.

I’m not good at seeing red flags even when they are waving in my face; I fall hard and it takes a long time for me to recover from the hurt. I’m not sure how to break this pattern.

I normally hold back my feelings in the beginning of relationships. I hate being vulnerable, and the idea that I could invest and have it fail (due to a fight, or whatever) is hard for me. I’m too rational/realistic to think that every relationship is going to work out, so I reserve a bit of myself, in the likely case that it doesn’t. I see all of the red flags from the start.

My newest adventure is receiving a little different treatment, however, as the past few have failed with my previous strategy… partly because there wasn’t enough “intensity” to make them last. I’m used to holding back, and this time I’m just giving in. My rational side says that there is no way it can work out… for a multitude of reasons.. But I’ve kind of reached a point where I just don’t want to hold back anymore. So what if I get hurt? There is a good chance that most relationships will end in someone getting hurt. Might as well enjoy it while it’s good.

One of the best things I’ve learned over the past few years – is not to worry about things that I can’t control. Fights will happen.. you can only control how you deal with them. Remaining reserved and avoiding a close relationship for fear of a fight is kind of silly, IMO.. It makes more sense to invest that energy into building yourself up to handle it when it does happen.

In nearly three years since we’ve met, we have yet to have a fight. We’ve had a minor tiff, and a few misunderstandings, but no arguments. In my previous relationships, it was normal to bicker and argue and have screaming matches, and I’ve been known to throw things, so it is rather odd to live so peacefully. But I guess we are at a point in our lives where there are no expectations of the other, no neediness, and few control issues (mine) – certainly none that warrant the negativity of argument. Working together as a partnership is a priority, and being friends first definitely helped us develop a level of trust and personal intimacy before the physical intimacy took over. So I generally recommend that people put their minds before their hormones, and invest the time in really getting to know a potential partner’s character before attempting a romance.

I have not been in the dating scene for over 20 years, but when I was dating, I usually just went along with wherever things were going. I never stopped to think I was falling too hard to fast. If we were having a great time together I didn’t overanalyze it. I never played any games, or worried about future problems. I absolutely never worried about having a fight. I grew up n a fighting family. Isn’t fighting normal? Seriously, I didn’t realize until my husband that many people have an expectation of not fighting.

Try not to load up on pretense in the beginning and that might head off some of the anxiety or disappointment. Too many want to always put their shiny side out all the time early on to clinch the deal.