HOW do you keep your composure when the one that you love is being destroyed by the one that had his child?

Then the drama is between you and your spouse ex. I would try to find out first what is the reason and try to reason with the ex to do what is best for the child. At least I would work to keep my composure so that it doesn’t create conflict for my spouse. You may want to speak to your spouse about family counseling. It could be a ton of reasons. Could be the ex simply doesn’t like you or that the child doesn’t feel loved or safe in your presence or is even jealous of your relationship. Now if its a matter that you had an affair with your spouse when they were married to this other person than I don’t see things changing any time soon. Maybe when the spouse remarries. But if the kid knows, than they may only see you as the cause of the divorce and may never accept you. In which case you would have to take your lumps.

In addition to any connection you may have to their break up, as raised by @Pandora, there may be more to this situation than you know. How long have you been together and what do you really know about his past?

How many ‘loves’ were there prior to you? Has he been paying his child support? Has he been a responsible parent before you were around? Since I am guessing you haven’t been able to speak to his ex, you only have his side of the story. I remember meeting my ex’s new girlfriend (I wasn’t withholding access to our children) and she had been told things about the relationship I had with him that were just not true.

I can’t say your partner is lying to you, but I think you should be cautious before judging his ex too harshly. Do as @Pandora suggests and try to meet the woman. Perhaps give her a call and suggest a coffee to talk about whatever is happening. If you do this, give her a fair chance to explain why she is so angry. It may be she is just being ornery but she may have reasons for being hurt or angry. Give her a chance to prove that to you.

I should I don’t approve of using children as pawns in these situations.

Has your husband taken this through the courts?
Most (not all, but most) courts take parental alienation as a serious offense if you can prove it. Your husband should ask for a guardian ad litem to be appointed for his child, and needs to go through the courts to establish a visitation schedule.
Whether or not he has ever paid a cent of child support, court ordered or otherwise, visitation and child support are not connected in the eyes of the US family court system, and he is entitled to see his child completely regardless of his support history.

I guess that one thing I’d try to do would be to de-fuse the situation instead of adding drama to it.

If your spouse’s ex won’t let him see his child as often as he would like, or puts very onerous conditions upon that, then I can understand how that would hurt him. I wouldn’t use words like “destroy”, which don’t inform the situation or mitigate it, but only serve to feed his feelings of powerlessness, and her ego.

So, he’s not being “destroyed” (at least according to what you’ve written in the details of the original question), but the two of you are at an impasse with her regarding child visitation. Reasonable adults could work on that topic and attempt negotiation and amelioration… without adding the drama engendered by words like “being destroyed”.

What is in his divorce decree about visitation?

EDIT: Not everyone that has a child gets married. So, I’ll add, what is in his court ordered child support and visitation decree?

Was he married to his ex? I am going to assume he was never married to the mother of his child since you did not say exwife, but assumptions can be wrong. If the baby was born out of wedlock, many states would not give the father any legal right to see the child, unless he has faught for it. So, he will have to fight for it in a court, at minimum file some paperwork. I think child support does matter. If he does nothing to help support the baby then the mother is likely to be more resentful, and it is the law basically that he help support the baby if he has been identified as the father.

Is there any reason she specifically doesn’t like you, or doesn’t trust you with the child? Is she just being jealous? Jealous that the boy might have another female adult figure in his life? Does she want your husband back? Did he break up with her for you?

If it is his exwife, then I would assume she is breaking a custody agreement, and she simply canot do that.

@CWOTUS ever had your children taken away from you? Ever been investigated by CPS? Ever been falsely accused of neglect or abuse? Ever spent so much time in court and paying court ordered obligations and fees that it drove you into poverty or homelessness?
Destroyed is often exactly the word that fits.

As to the OP and how to deal with the emotional aspect of something like this, the best thing to do is to be proactive. Your husband has options. Even if he is a loser of epic proportions (which I’m not saying he is), he still has rights that he can exercise to ensure that he gets to see his child. Much of the time fathers in this situation feel there is nothing that they can do, and therefore they (and often their spouse) assume that they have to sit back and take it. That isn’t the case. Hire an attorney, get a guardian for the child, get this in court.

Your spouse needs legal counsel. He needs to take action to make sure that this does not continue.

You need to just be supportive.

@AuroraSolei Does she allow him to see the child when you are not around?

Your point is valid, @DigitalBlue, and if those kinds of details had been added to the question to “inform” (as I said), then that could have been helpful. Simply using the word “destroy” with no qualifying detail does not inform, it merely inflames.

Yes – I think we need more details of the situation before we can offer good advice. Is he allowed access to the child on his own?

Been there and my boyfriend was not paying child support regularly, although he told me that he had ‘done his best’. The ex g/f also insisted that if he came to get his child, he had to take her sister (which wasn’t his) because she though he was her daddy, too.

I insisted he paid child support every month or I was out, he did, we took both girls every weekend or two but it was very stressful and he resented the ‘drop-off’s’ more than being a parent. It was a mess and I was so glad to get out of that. It took me 3 years to figure out all of this so investigate and talk to as many people as you can to find the truth, especially the grandparents and other relatives if possible.

I just realized your main question was how to keep your composure. Do you mean with your husband or with the ex? This for the most part is between them. What are you wanting to do? Give her a piece of your mind? Have you listened to her side? Do you speak to her at all? I am not saying you should attempt to talk to her, but if at times you have, I just wondered if she has calmly explained her frustrations. There are usually two sides to a story.

@JLeslie, I was taught that there are three sides to every story. His side, her side and the truth.

@bkcunningham That too.

Hello everyone—Sorry it took me a few days to respond. No he was never married to her. Yes our relationship started fairly quickly after their’s ended, no he has not gone through the court system due to wanted to ‘try’ to work things out with her in terms of seeing his child. I have no children but do love children and am a child to parents who separated and went through a large amount of drama while growing up due to their separation. The question is how do I KEEP my composure when I see what is done to him and see that it hurts him such as his ex keeping his child from him or only allowing him to be with their child when she is there or if he stays at her home while she works a midnight shift. At first I was handled him staying there very well (while she was gone). Now I find it innaproprate due to the many times she has asked him to ‘come home’, to ‘leave his hoe’ and trying to make him unfaithful. He has always asked me my opinion on him staying there and I recently told him it’s now inappropriate and that we have our own home his child can come stay at to be with him. He has called many times in the night upset over her behavior and has left seeing his child afraid of fights with her and afraid of his child seeing the fights along with not wanting to allow an inappropriate situation to happen…. How do I remain calm? I have attempted to speak to her but she is too emotional and full of hatred for me. She doesn’t not want me around their child and at first I agreed it was took soon. But it’s been months of this and it’s painful to see him go through so much when he is a very good father to his child.

I cannot pretend to be okay with any of this any longer. I love him with all of my heart but I feel as if I am the cause for him not being able to see his child unless it’s under her terms. What should we do as a couple to remain stronger and I keep my composure when I see what is being done to him?

One thing to keep in mind… it is not your fault that he’s being kept from his son. That is between his ex (manipulative and spiteful) and him (not standing up for his rights, the best interests of his child, or you).

You might want to consider counseling to help you deal with all of this. Couples counseling may even be a good idea, as it might help your SO, too. It really sounds like he might be better off taking her to court at this point.

@AuroraSolei Thanks for all the detail. Sorry that you are caught up in the middle of this. I probably sound sort of negative, but he made his situation. I understand the ex might be very unreasonable, and full of more hate then she should be amd more vindictive, even willing to harm the children by keeping them from their father, but he made a baby without being married, which means legally he is at a huge disadvantage unless he goes to the courts. If she did not want to break up, of course she is jealous of you. It will probably take a while for her to calm down, not sure how long those has been going on?

Does keep your composure mean you want to lash out at her? Or, does it mean you get very upset and don’t know how to comfort him? What do you mean by composure?

If he really wants to see his children he will have to bring it to the courts if she is being unreasonable. It would be nice if she calmed down and just let it happen, maybe she will in another couple months? But, really, no matter what, he would be better off with the all the legalities taken care of. Some states have some packets/forms that make it easier for fathers to file for some rights with their children born while unwed.