When is the right time to talk about marriage (Kinda long, but hear me out please)

I think that you are addressing the wrong topic.

Now is the right time to tell your mother, kindly but firmly, that when you want her advice, you will ask her.

Your instincts about this relationship are good.

Have you already learned any techniques for dealing with a batshit crazy mother? If not, now’s a good time to start. She can only give you advice if you let her. One way of changing the dynamics is to say, “If we can’t talk about something else, mom, I am leaving the room.” And then be prepared to leave the room.

According to this earlier question of yours, you have other issues to sort out with the bf that are a far cry from a discussion about marriage. http://www.fluther.com/150296/how-should-i-handle-this/

I think you have your head very well screwed on. Tricky to combat such strong views from a parent though. You’re doing grand though.

Welcome to Fluther!

The right time is when one or both of you are ready to discuss it. Your mother isn’t included in that equation. Welcome to 2012!

What they ^^^ said.

Maybe you should address the issue to yourself. Are you not approaching him only because of his current situation?
Have you already thought about this in your own head? Good on you for getting your education. It seems better not to be in a hurry about anything at this point. Your plate is full enough, I would think.
Since you have living arrangements already which do not include the complication and drama of living together, it seems like your mom’s drama is easier to address.
Being non committal or even smiling and saying “Yeah sure” without the slightest intention of doing what she wants might be your easiest course.
When it comes time for other decisions to be made is soon enough to start arguing about them.

My daughter is turning 25 next month and has been with her boyfriend for 3 years and living with him for 2 now. I would NEVER pressure either of them about marriage, even though he is a great guy and I would really miss him if they broke up.
I think your mother needs to take a big step back. Let her read these answers if need be.

Clearly she is forcing HER ideals on you and at 20 years old now, bottom line, your relationships are none of her business! Period!
Age matters not, IMO nobody should even remotely consider marriage until they have been together a MINIMUM of 3–5 years. I would tell your mother gently but firmly that you will not discuss this issue with her again and that IF you do decide to marry she will be the first to know!

I agree with you yes she is batshit crazy about this. Tell her that you are happy in the present which is far more important than trying to predict future happiness and that you are in no rush and it’s really not okay of her to impose her opinions of how relationships should work onto you. That is really ridiculous. I would be extremely irritated if my mother had that talk with me. I’m 23 and I realize that I’m still VERY young and no matter how long I’ve been with the same guy (I’ve only had two relationship I consider serious and both were 2 years long) it’s still not that long really and at such a young age you’re still changing and making decisions about your future. And if you really love someone you shouldn’t be in a rush to capture them before they get away cause they shouldn’t wanna get away. Jeez mom.

When the time is right you will know it. That’s a cliche, but believe me it works.

Your mother is concerned because a lot of stuff can happen if you have consensual but not committed sex, the least of which is ‘going to hell’. What happens to your not serious relationship if you get pregnant? If he cheats and you get a permanent STD?

Hey, I’m not judging but my experience has been that casual sex doesn’t really mean anything and demeans you as a woman. You are worth loving and so much more valuable than a quick bodily fluid exchange.

I know it sounds stupid to you at age 20, but someday you are going to meet someone that literally makes your heart skip in excitement and makes you wet yourself in anticipation——save something for that guy, he may be the ‘one’, you know? The one person on this earth that you can talk to about anything, that lights up your entire world, that you’d trust if you got cancer and needed your diaper changed. In other words the other half of your soul.

Your mom wants you to know that you deserve more than what you are accepting imo.

If that doesn’t resonate to you -Instead of fighting with her or being upset, tell her you understand her points but that you have to experience life on your own terms and with your own moral judgements, which are not the same as hers.

I’ve been there and casual sex is fun, I get it, but when you’re my age and look back, you’ll realize that most of it isn’t even good sex at that young age. :)

Your mother probably is from an old school that believes you need to settle down now and make babies, and if you aren’t going to do it with this guy, you better dump him and find the right guy. Since you aren’t sure about this guy, and you don’t know how he feels about you, since he still seems to be interested in his ex, then you probably can’t be very sure this relationship will last.

That doesn’t mean it isn’t a valuable relationship. The purpose of life is not necessarily to reproduce. And even if you do want to reproduce, you still have another fifteen years in which to do it and still have time for fertility treatments if you have trouble. So having children should not be seen as the purpose of a relationship… not yet, anyway.

So I would have fun with your guy. See what happens. Maybe he will last and maybe he won’t. That’s irrelevant to the question of whether you are with him now or not.

On your mother’s behalf, I’m sure she does want children. She wants you to be married before you have children. She wants you to be with a guy who will stay with you. She knows that it is healthier for you to have kids now than when you are 35. She knows it is easier for you to have kids now than when you are 35. Biologically, now is the time to have kids.

But if you don’t want kids, biology doesn’t matter to you and neither does marriage. If you do want kids, biology and marriage matter, but are not the only thing to take into account. You don’t need to be married to have or raise kids. You don’t need to be young. These days, a lot of women wait until they are 35 or 40 to start having kids and they manage to do it, albeit often needing fertility treatments.

So you have options. You can finish college. You don’t have to get married now, and you don’t have to stay with this guy. You can stay with him for a decade and not marry him and have kids with someone else. Your future is open. Nothing is carved in stone, yet.

The right time is when you’re ready. In a more general sense, if you find yourself confused about where you are or aren’t going, and marriage figure prominently in that determination, that’s a good time too. You’re only wasting your time if you feel you are or if you’re blind, purposely or otherwise, to the reality of your situation. I will say this: when marriage comes more to the forefront of your consideration, don’t assume, ask and be crystal clear as to how both of you see it and where you’re headed – that’s not the time for supposition, evasiveness, or procrastination.

Oh, and your mother, notwithstanding her opinions, has nothing to do with it regardless of how highly she holds her beliefs. Her opinion, along with any others, are only as relevant as you see fit to make them.

No offense is intended in this post…
I’m a Christian, I have a Muslim girlfriend. Don’t hate on me, I don’t hate on you. It’s counterproductive – and for the record, I’m not likely to get married based on my own opinion of er…shall we just say “The Church”?
Let me make that perfectly clear. Anything I say in this post is not intended to rub anyone the wrong way, least of all you…........ but I think your Mother needs to get with the times. I don’t know what it’s like everywhere else in the world as far as marriage goes, but in the UK, “living in sin” is the commonly adopted way of life for thousands of people, because living as a couple offers much more in the way of security and – arguably – financial security, even in Law it’s a recognized legal alternative to being married and instead of being actual “husband and wife”, you are considered “common law” partners. Marriage can be seen as a holy matrimony, but others may see it as just a means to fund a religion that we don’t necessarily go wholeheartedly for. There are hundreds upon thousands of people who don’t go to church yet somehow still choose to get married, like it’s gonna surprise everyone (ha) in a church.
Obviously you wouldn’t want to deliberately piss “mom” off would you…so I suppose you’re gonna have to wait for the time you do get married.

Wait for a time that is right for you. I’m surprised that your Mother is already in there sticking her oar in trying to push the situation on you when it’s not warranted and I doubt it’s really needed either. No offense. You’re old enough to make your own mind up, and the best way to learn is to actually sometimes make the mistakes for yourself, without guidance, and I think unfortunately, your Mother very well could be guiding you into making a mistake. It’s too soon when you feel it’s too soon. If your gut tells you it’s too soon, then most likely it is too soon. Wait for the right time, a time that is right for you not your family, not your mom…these people are all entitled to their opinions and that’s fine and dandy, but when it could so easily affect your life in a huge way, that’s when you want to filter the stuff that matters out from the stuff that doesn’t. Right now, I don’t think you should consider your Mother’s opinion on this matter in the least. Not because she’s not in a position to give her opinion on it, but because it’s about you beyond life with Mom, life with the immediate family as it were. You are still young, you still have time (God willing) to make plans for yourself and your life, and live your dream, achieve the things you want to achieve, without being misguided, or prodded or coerced (either actually or proverbially!) into making decisions about your life.
As for guys and marriage, I dunno, I think it would be better if you waited for him to mention that kind of thing first. Don’t make mistakes now because you feel you have to do things based on what Mom or Dad says when it comes to relationships outside of family. You only live once, don’t mess it up because you got pointed in the wrong direction.
If you’re comfortable talking about it, then talk about it, but until then, don’t.

Even if he doesn’t see you guys getting married, what’s the problem? Live in the moment, they say. If it feels good now, then do that now. If it feels bad later, leave it. Easy said, harder done, I know, but really. You guys are so young, you have a whole life ahead of you, maybe you’ll meet a lot of great lovers (if that’s your thing, if you prefer just one partner all your life, nothing wrong with that). Of course I know this doesn’t fit your mother’s opinion, but what is your opinion?

I rarely disagree with @Trillian advice, but I take issue with this.

Being non-committal or even smiling and saying “Yeah sure” without the slightest intention of doing what she wants might be your easiest course.

In order to be treated as an adult, you must act like one. Passive-agressive behavior never pays off. This the is time to deal with your mother in a mature way.It will set precent, we hope.

It really depends on if this was unsolicited advice. I can’t count how many times my daughter would complain about relationships and then ask me for advice and then get pissed off that I don’t see things her way. You may be addressing uncertainty about your relationship with your boyfriend and then turn around and say you want to live together. To any parent that is not the next logical step if you are uncertain.

Edit; “This is the time to deal with your mother…It will set precedent, we hope.”

Not knowing what preempted this conversation, I mean for instance, she could have seen or heard your earlier insecurities and is simply being a mother to her daughter. Maybe the call for marriage was a bluff really to test how honorable his intentions are towards you? Whether he is a quality guy or not, and considering he is unemployed maybe he is not relationship material. Just a different perspective. Mothers are supposed to be irritating and bossy and batty, that is their job.

I just read the question that @gailcalled linked to in her first answer. I think that everyone that tries to answer this question should first read that other question. Just to fill y’all in, the first question that the OP asked two weeks ago was about this boyfriend spending time with his ex-girlfirend, going diving with her, Facebooking and texting back and forth all the time. I am aware that these issues are not part of the present question that is being asked, but they should be.

It would also be nice if the OP provided an update about the issues asked in the other question.

OP: can you provide an update as to the issues asked in the other question?

Thanks.

JCA
The Update Lady

The issues with the ex-girlfriend have all been cleared up for the most part. He revealed to me that he does not have any romantic feelings for her, but he considers her a close friend and really likes her as a person because she helped him through rough times (depression and dealing with sexual abuse). We are trying to set up a time so that I can meet her (and he hopes that’ll help me feel more at ease with their friendship). They do text a lot, but now I’ve seen the messages, and they seem pretty innocent and friendly in nature. We had a lengthy conversation about all these issues and he assured me that I have nothing to worry about and that he wants to be with ME and he has never felt such strong emotions for someone as he does with me. And I believe him.

Now, as for my mother…. I did not ask her for advice on this whole marriage situation. She came to me. Apparently a friend of hers (who has the worst marriage imaginable, keep that in mind) told her that I should watch out and make sure that he’s the marrying type and if not, I should kick him to the curb. I do love my boyfriend, and to be honest, couldn’t imagine myself with anyone else and yes it’d be great to get married someday. Nonetheless, I DO NOT see marriage as a priority at this point in my life. I still have 2 more years of college and I’m young!

@Lilo777 That all makes sense to me.

Most of the people I went to high school with who got married very quickly I think did so because they are insecure and feel like they need to secure that person so they can’t legally have anyone else! And it isn’t because they are old fashioned, cause many of them had kinds before hand. Ugh. So dumb.

^^ cause many of them had kinds before hand. This means what?

^^ coulda been “kids”? Just guessing here – but that’s probably the closest safe bet.

Kids sorry yes.