Do you feel you have "relationship baggage" and if so, how do you prevent it from affecting your present relationship?

Oh, I have baggage alright. I think we all do. I feel that I have been somewhat successful at identifying that I was holding onto this baggage from time-to-time. I’m then able to work on dropping it exactly where it needs to go – on the curb, with the week’s trash. This is a lifelong task.

And it’s not just baggage from past “romantic” relationships. All of our relationships (friends, parents, strangers, enemies) are things we hold onto for much longer than we should. It’s a relief to put it down. It’s bad for the back.

Not really. My only baggage is I don’t handle other’s baggage well. I handle my own crap myself.

Sure, I do, but as Adirondack says, you have to drop that at some point and move forward. My last boyfriend broke my heart, was a commitment-phobe, highly educated, artistic, etc….and my husband now is my best friend. It all works out somehow because no two people are the same and it’s simply not fair to the new person in your life.

How you do it, is to give it time, think things out, and simply remind yourself repeatedly until you get it.

Being dumped after 38 years has left me with a lot of suitcases to unpack!

No, good or bad, holding on too tightly to old emotions just sours them and gets in the way of new ones. Experience them, understand them, and let them go. I’d much rather focus on my new partner, learn what she evoke in each other, and how that fits or changes me, than trying to force her into some consonant shape based on the past.

Not to mention I think it’s horribly unfair of me to dump my problems in her lap. If I can’t hold to my own ideals and deal with my own emotional baggage others certainly can’t do it for me. Though I’ve been, happily, the shoulder for many a relationship.

I had some controlling/possesive relationships in the past, so now I have a tendency to think someone is trying to control me if they make a suggestion about the way I live my life.

I just don’t want someone else telling me what to do.

I think everyone has baggage even if they haven’t dated before because they could see disfunctional relationships growing up. I know things that happened to me growing up have affected my relationships and see that they affected my siblings as well.

Like @Blackberry said, I too have had possessive, jealous stifling relationships, definitely wouldn’t choose that person now. So I think my emotional baggage has made me a better chooser of persons I want to be with. Meaning I learned good lessons.

I made a conscious decision to unpack my bags carefully and determine what was helpful and what was harmful in the contents. I reviewed the issues from my past relationships and came to terms with the things that I did to contribute to their failure. I considered what I could do differently when conflict arises in future relationships – such as how to take ownership of my own issues (persistent self-worth problems from childhood sexual abuse) and how to not take on the other party’s issues and try to fix them.

For example, I have discarded (for the most part) the illogical sense that I am “damaged goods” and undeserving of love (that had me playing lots of head games in prior relationships), but I’ve held on to the compassion I developed for others as a result of the abuse in my childhood.

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@janbb: ((((hugs))))

Meh…I sorted and checked my baggage a long time ago and the end result is, after dumping all the baggage, I realized I don’t even WANT a relationship these days. lol
Life is good, and I am very happy being in a relationship with myself. :-)

@Coloma Must be great to be with the love of your life. lol

@janbb It is! “We” get along great! lol

@Coloma I love my life as well and happy one way or the other but I would love to have that partner in crime to enjoy doing different things with. So though I am still out there looking if it never happens I will be happy either way.

My baggage is about love and never feeling safe. Never feeling there is enough. It’s hard to be involved with me. I demand great intensity. Probably a lot of people would call that drama. I think I need a crazy person—someone I don’t have to pretend to be normal with.

No. I don’t pretend. I actively work to be normal, but it is a huge stress to do that. One day it might turn out to be too much. I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like if I let go just a little, I could explode and then who knows what would happen. But so far, I’ve kept myself under control. I think. Maybe it’s just passing for control.

I’m sure I do. I will probably never trust anyone again like I trusted before.

@wundayatta You’re so funny, you sound a lot like my ex, a photographer who loved the female form and was incredibly visual, sexual and intense, very into music. He never trusted or felt very safe either, child of divorce, not super attractive to others until you knew him.

It was kind of cool but I’m a little crazy, too, so hang in there pal. ;)

There is no such thing as a lack of baggage despite your definition of it. Lack of relationship experience can also be seen as a form of baggage itself, since most people prefer partners with experience. There’s no way around it for the most part, since it all comes down to what each potential partner sees as ‘baggage’ in their minds, and this may vary from person to person.