Have you ever known someone for ages only to realize you didn't know them at all?

Yes. I’ve “known” myself for ages, and occasionally I’ll realize that I don’t know me at all.

It’s because people change.

One of my exes was a sociopath, so yes. :-/ The worst is realizing that I still miss her sometimes, and then not knowing who “she” even was.

Too many times. It’s very disheartening.

Yes, the best example would be my ex husband, he was a raging narcissist with sociopathic traits and it was a mind fuck to wake up to the fact that I had spent over 20 years with someone who was a chameleon. I also dumped a manipulative friend of 8 years about 18 months ago now.
The best way to really “know” someone is to see how they handle being confronted on their bullshit. This woman saw herself as some sort of saintly being, but, in reality she was a very manipulative and self deluded person. When I spoke up to her about a behavior her true colors came out. Denial, guilt tripping, playing dumb, insane, illogical, unrelated argument. OMG! Dropped her like a hot rock and it’s been great, not having to be on guard for her games anymore.

Also, like @jehnstewart said, people change (or hopefully they do). I was in a relationship in my early twenties that was plagued with “but you used to like…”, or “why are you acting so weird?”, and “that’s not like you to…” statements. We hold caricature versions of people in our mind and have a problem when people don’t fit this image. We do this to ourselves too.

If I am the same person I was yesterday, then we have a problem.

@tom_g well said, and, there is nothing wrong with deciding anothers issues are just too burdensome for one to be involved with anymore. I have always said that the concept of “forever” is a very big load to shoulder and proves delusional for many.
How can I possibly say I will love or be friends with somebody “forever” given the changes that unfold at any given moment.
I’m a believer in the “reasons and seasons” mantra.

I have discovered that there are no surprises. People’s qualities are there if I pay attention. Half of the problem with my “perception” was my ability to be easily distracted or even deluded .

@gailcalled True. Giving the benefit of the doubt is fine, once, but much after that, I say take the doubt and beat the benefit right outta them. haha

I’m sorry that happened to you, @Shippy. I’ve been there, too.

My ex-husband. And yes, in an Internet friendship too.

I wouldn’t blame yourself and I wouldn’t blame the other party. Internet relationships can run very deep and be very meaningful and yet not work in any practical way. They can work beautifully at a distance, the other person can become a part of you in a relationship that runs deeper than most marriages. You may have to accept that it is fated to be nothing else than what it is, nothing more and nothing less.

The real question is we ever truly know anyone. What is it really to know someone? Fact is that we can never be inside of another person’s mind. And I doubt that communication, words or actions, really communicate what really is inside somebody’s mind. In some way, we are always strangers to each other.

It’s a full time job just trying to know ourselves.

I thought I knew my mother, but when she told me that she had voted for Ross Perot, I realised I must have never really known her at all.

I have not ever felt blind-sided by someone, but I’ve always had pretty good instincts. My failed relationships were full of red flags that I consciously chose to ignore because I saw a deeper beauty and potential within the person. However, people won’t change unless they want to change, so at some point I had to give up and walk away. As I worked on resolving my own issues, I got even better at recognizing the defense mechanisms of others. I often say, “you can’t bullshit a reformed bullshitter.”

Can I know my beloved’s every thought? Of course not. But from the start of our friendship, and especially once we chose to build a romantic partnership, we’ve discussed everything and purposefully created an environment of full-disclosure. The challenge of getting myself to a place where I had the integrity to stop playing head games with myself was the most difficult part. Finding a partner who was also at that point in life seemed to happen only once I was really ready.

Well, what I find amazing is some of my old HS friends that I’ve reconnected with on FB. It’s like….you are so freaking ignorant! Why were we friends? On the other hand, I have so much in common with people I barely noticed in HS.

@Dutchess_III Yeah, ignorance is hard to ignore. WILLFUL ignorance, impossible! haha

What @jehnstewart said. People change, and while some people grow together (or similar directions/stages), others grow apart/change in different ways. Even within lasting relationships/friendships, there are periods of waxing/waning. The key is communication. If you don’t communicate, then you’re that much more likely to drift apart.

Sorry that things went the way they did for you @Shippy, on the bright side, one door closes and another one opens – time to move onward and upward eh?

Yes I’ve been there too. She was initially a very approachable person, had a good sense of humor, talkative blah blah. You know that imaginary piece of paper with all the proverbial boxes you tick next to what sort of person you’d like to go out with on it? She got the ticks.

Then she started ticking me right the hell off.

In the course of three years, she managed to work her way through those boxes putting big fat red crosses on ‘em. Eventually I had to screw up the bit of paper and file it under “Shit I don’t want.” That woman had issues, not with me, but with herself. Very insecure and very, very clingy.

I got someone else who ticks the boxes and keeps em ticked a few months after. So I’m pretty glad things have panned out the way they have with my gf of nearly a year now.
I since found out that my ex got engaged. Can’t say I’m jealous, lol!

You did know him, but you didn’t know how he would handle your relationship in a crisis. The opportunity to see how he would react when things weren’t going well hadn’t presented itself. It has now and you have seen he isn’t invested enough in your relationship to be supportive. Instead, he has backed away. This can happen in any relationship – online or in person. It isn’t until things go wrong that we learn about our own and the other party’s resilliance and about our own and their commitment to our relationship. Fair weather friends…

I am sorry you are going through this.

I had a best friend growing up—we were both only children for our moms, were inseparable and were known by a portmanteau of our names. I loved her like a sister. We spent almost every weekend together, went to the same summer camp, went to the same boarding school then the same college. In college, our friendship waned some as we found different crowds, but she was still my sister.

We both graduated, got married and she had a daughter on my birthday. That wasn’t planned, I’m sure but… one day we found our selves living in the same town again and we both were thrilled—but a year later, she told me that our 26 year friendship was a farce, had never existed and that she didn’t want to be my friend any longer. She tried to sabotage my work reputation in the process. It was really, really hard to look at 26 years and wonder if it really was as empty as she said it was. I haven’t totally recovered from that loss of trust—it sounds all “self-victimizing,” I’m fully aware, but haven’t been able to trust that anyone would want to be my friend since.

As I’ve climbed out of a lot of baggage over the past two years, that’s one baggage that still has a clamp on me. The advice and suggestions from everyone on this thread is helping me as well as the OP—thank you all :)

I’ve had it before. After putting effort into a 3 year relationship. Moving in together after a year. Falling in love. Then basically having it all ripped away.
What a waste of fucking time!
Haha, no I don’t regret it, I enjoyed it while it lasted, but the healing process makes it almost seem like it wasn’t worth it.

Gosh I love some of the answers on here – so very wise x One of the main problems in life for me is being able to trust someone – that they are who they portray themselves to be. I always have to ask myself what is a person like when you have wronged them or when they are angry… that speaks volumes about someone, I find. But yes, I agree that there are people that we get into relationships with that do show us who they really are, but we ignore it because for some reason we need them. We constantly have to have compassion for ourselves and understand that we are all just humans looking for love.. and unfortunately that gets abused at times xx Love and hugs xx

@nebule “I always have to ask myself what is a person like when you have wronged them or when they are angry” and that is exceedingly wise. It is at those time we see a very honest version of the person we are with. When my husband and I got together he was still dealing with the fallout from a previous relationship. I was so impressed by how he acted towards her. Caring, respectful, considerate but firm and fair. He had also decided that in order to ensure he didn’t carry baggage from that relationship into his next, that he needed to go and talk to a counsellor. He specifically chose a woman so he could get the female perspective. I was so impressed with his emotional maturity. As you suggest, I was very much observing the how he treated her because it said so much about how he would behave towards me if we broke up.

I wonder if one of the reasons many relationships fail in the early days is because people, even unconsciously, are presenting a false front. I remember watching my sister as she moved through a series of relationships. She seemed to take on board whatever that person’s particular enjoyment was – so she was totally into horse riding for one, loved fishing with another etc. Maybe she really did like these things but but I remember thinking at the time that it was more about her fitting in with the other person’s needs than being her authentic self.