How much do you think your opposite sex parent, influenced your choice of partner?

Actually, with me it was that with both of my parents I felt very loved and expected. I chose a man who respected me and loved me with the same type of love that my father had for my mother. I feel blessed that it was this way.

I would say it only affected me to want something different. I mean in terms of personality and way of life. I just knew I wanted to do it my own way, and did not really care much for how they did things. There was nothing wrong at home, I had an above average childhood, I just had very strong opinions of my own from very early on in life.

I have very different values to my parents, and very different ways of looking at things. So I tend to go for partners who share my point of view on things.

As for my choices in terms of looks, my mother is short and fat and blond, my current girlfriend is a skinny Asian with black hair, and so was my last girlfriend. Not that I seek out Asians, but I am generally more attracted to skinny and dark.

@GracieT Thank you. So far the theory proves true. You are fortunate to have had that loved feeling. @poisonedantidote the question is less about appearance more about having felt loved and appreciated by an opposite sex parent, and if that is repeated in your relationships today. No need to answer, just saying.

I think it affected me in that I have never been the type to just look around or want to be with lots of people as I go for quality over quantity and my opposite sex parent certainly did have an impact with that as she was also the same. (and indeed my parents have been married for 40 years now)

She is also very cautious and wary in general and I have tended to copy her with that as well (and this is not always a good thing) so I can relate to what the question is all about because the loved feeling does mean I have never really felt like some of my friends do in that they have to jump from one relationship to another.

Hmm. I never quite felt safe in the love of my parents. My mother was more loving than my father. But I was looking for safe love when I left home. I’ve had five major relationships. If I had felt safer about being loved, perhaps I would have had fewer?

I got insufficient love from both my parents and my husband but I think my Dad loved me better than either my mother or my husband loved me.

I think my mom gave me a pretty good example of what I didn’t want in a partner. I’ve never been particularly enamored with her personality or envious of my parents relationship. I’m sure I could correlate aspects of how they related to me and what I look(ed) for in partners/relationships however I don’t believe I would call their influence significantly causative.

Specifically regarding “love & feeling cherished” I don’t think there is any relationship between my parents + myself in that sense and my approach to, or relationship with, my partner(s). I believe I understand what you’re (or at least the documentary is) suggesting but I don’t think I “relate” to it particularly well if at all – though in terms of more general influence, sure.

Wow, this question makes me really uncomfortable. :-/ It doesn’t make sense for people like me, on a number of levels.
I get the sense that my upbringing was more fucked up than many have had. It wasn’t a question of being “cherished” or not.
However, whatever I have done with that fucked up upbringing was my choice. Fuck determinism.

@bookish1 Well, welcome to the club. Hence me asking this question. It is totally foreign to me. It also makes a lot of sense to me too. However, not being from this world or cherished background I am also a product of mastering my own self. Or not. I think though, as a concept either way, fucked up or great, it has to have some bearing on how a person searches in life for love? My life has seemed like a road less traveled with a rock on my back for the most part. I do see differences in people who were loved.

@Shippy I agree but I do wonder whether it matters which parent the love came from very much.

@janbb Good point.

@Shippy: I feel ya about a rock on your back. I really do.

I do agree that these first affective relationships that we experience must have some bearing on how a person approaches love and relationships.

People have consistently commented on how kind and loving I am, as a friend and as a partner. I am very proud of that, considering both how I was treated growing up, and the kind of spousal relationship I had modeled for me in childhood.

I do know that I got into dating and sex far earlier than most of my peers. But there are so many variables that it’s hard for me to separate them out. Several kinds of childhood abuse, being a pawn and a hinge in my parents’ abusive marriage, being queer of center and being transsexual without even knowing that there was a word for it. All of these things made seeking out emotional and physical intimacy very important for me by the age of 14.

I chose a man who had many of my father’s virtues, but lacked the sense that he was ALWAYS right and his sudden temper. Worked out great.

@shippy and @bookish I was beginning to think everyone had the charmed life here. Glad to find someone who hasn’t. While I will say that I’ve come remarkably far and pretty sure I have checked that baggage at the claims. I grew up feeling very alone and had decided when I was 6 or 7 I was never going to get married and to lock away all emotion and throw away the key. But really despite all that I have found some really great guys nothing like my dad of course. But there was always something wrong. I don’t feel particulary troubled with my lack of marriage or children. Sometimes I think it would be nice but often not so much. If the right guy came around I might ask him to marry me, or not.

I guess what I mean to say is that it matter more when you are just getting out of the house. As far as comparisons. After you’ve seen a few things been through your own stuff and developed your own list that matters less. So maybe the only people lastingly effected by this are the people who get married right out of highschool or have kids.

Well, I always say I married my mother. My husband is a lot like my mother. I always felt both my parents loved me. My dad was kind of a lot of work. Always talking, always telling me business ideas. I kind of wanted to be left alone a lot of the time. I felt like he was a little too needy, emotionally needy. When my mom was on overload, I guess I was there. It was never weird, nothing sexual or anything at all like that. Probably a lot of people would view it as a nice thing my dad wanted to spend time with his kids, it was just that the time could almost never be just hanging out, it was always like an information overload and quiz at the end. Well, not always.

Sometimes when I am home with my husband I feel like I am with my sister when we were little. Very happy memories for me. We watch TV, and giggle, and eat favorite treats. It makes me so happy. My husband has a much calmer temper than my dad, much slower to raise his voice. It’s kind of like my home now is like my home when I was a kid, but better.

So, back to the question. Did my dad influence my relationships with men? I do believe my dad to be a very honest, reliable, responsible person. I think those qualities are very important in a marriage. I did date a guy for many years in high school who was not honest though, and I did not kick him to the curb very fast. So, maybe there is just some luck involved? I think women no matter how wonderful their upbringing easily have self esteem issues, and are raised basically to be loyal and emotional, possibly there are some hormonal components to that. I think if your dad doesn’t have integrity, or has an anger issues, or some other bad attribute that is really ingrained and obvious, then the daughter risks thinking and feeling that is normal, and repeats that relationship in her own romantic reationships. Added to that, maybe girls don’t want to believe their dad was crap on some psychological level, so if all men are awful, their dad was not a bad guy, but rather just being a guy.

My mother died when I was a child and my step-mother was less than loving. She had a favourite and it wasn’t me. I have always felt my first husband was very similar to her in personality. I am not a psychologist but I think the child in me might have been seeking my step-mother’s (and therefore my mother substitute) approval.

My now husband, if he resembles either parent which I don’t think he does, is more like my father. This is not a strong resemblance though. Perhaps I grew up and stopped needing my parent’s approval.

My father has helped show me what I want and don’t want in a partner. While he is a hard worker and has a lot of great qualities, he also has a really bad temper at times and loses his cool way too often (even though he may be the first to tell you how “patient” he is). I feel like he overreacts to things that aren’t really that big of a deal (at least not in my eyes). I don’t want to be with a partner who gets angry too easily. Of course from my father’s perspective, he rarely gets angry. But actions speak louder than words. His actions are the result of why I’m with a boyfriend who has a better temperament than him. I want someone I can feel safe with.