Should I spend less time with my boyfriend?
I’m 23 and my bf is 22, we both still live with our parents. In Asian culture it’s pretty normal to stay until you get married. Anyways, both our parents are never home. Is mom is usually at his fiance’s house or my parents are out running their business and gambling late at night. I hate going home to an empty house so I stay at my boyfriend’s place very night but go home in the morning back to my house (don’t ask why)
Anyways, my mom is really worried that I’m going to become an old maid and not get married. She’s afraid that he’s going to get too comfortable with me being around that he won’t propose although we’ve only been together for a year. This is why she wants me home most times and not at his place. My sisters agree and say that I should not me with my bf almost every day because I need him to miss me and for him not to get too comfortable.
I already told my bf that I want kids/marriage before I’m 30. hopefully somewhere between 26–29. He knows my deadline.
So yeah, should I spend less time away from my boyfriend? One thing they’re right about is that he is getting a bit too comfortable and kind of taking me for granted because I’m with him a lot. Little things are gone such as getting excited to see me, telling me I’m so pretty, being very affectionate. Don’t get me wrong he’s a good guy but I think with anyone that excitement slows down after being around each other so much. But what’s the point of marriage then if you’re going to see each other all the time anyways?
p.s. my brother is at his gf’s place 5 days a week and my mom never complains about him because he’s a guy.
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I obviously don’t know you and your boyfriend well, and your relationship, but I don’t agree with your family. If your boyfriend is taking you for granted, that is a problem, but playing a game of staying away so he somehow will now not take you for granted means that you have to play games for him to be good to you. Why do you think that will change 10 years from now? Maybe this is a sign of how he will treat you in marriage? I think rather than play a game, be honest with him about how you have been feeling. That you miss feeling giddy when you see each other, etc. Communication is the key to good relationships, not game playing. Your family is talking about hooking him, rather than really deciding whether your relationship is a good one.
He knows you want to get married before 30, I would assume within a year you will be probably deciding if you really think you can be married to this guy for the rest of your life.
But that’s the thing. You can’t really bring back a giddy feeling if you’re around each other most of the time. I think that’s normal in a relationship after being together over a year and I know that.
If he loves you, he loves you regardless of how long you stay or not. But you know, I think it does people good to miss you a bit. Plus show a little independence, which is attractive in a person. I never used to think this, but I do believe that, if a guy is comfortable enough he very well may not want things to change. (i.e. marriage).
I know we’re not married but married people see each other every day so I don’t see why it’s such a big issue. If you like being around them then why not? We’re with each other most times but once in a while he’ll have a guy’s night or I’ll have my own plans. It’s not often but it does happen once in a while and start to miss eachother a little.
@chelle21689 It’s not an issue to me? you asked the question right?
Whether you are with your boyfriend every day is not the measure of whether you guys have it for the long haul.
Do you love him? Do you want to spend every day of your life with him and build a life together with him?
Does he love you and want the same?
Relationships change over time. The first year is usually all rainbows and puppy love, and then the real relationship starts. If your boyfriend is taking you for granted, that’s something that you should talk to him about. Him not jumping for joy whenever he sees you is normal after a year of seeing each other a lot, and compliments do tend to decrease over time, but taking advantage shouldn’t happen just because you are with him a lot.
I don’t agree with your family. If you want to be with him, be with him. If you move in with him or marry him, you’ll be together a lot. The whole, “make him miss you so he’ll marry you” just sounds like a game to get him to do what you (or they) want him to do. It’s only been a year, there’s no immediate need for marriage.
I think couples need to spend a lot of time together before marriage. Not ALL the time, but quite a bit. You don’t want to marry someone you only see on weekends and then realize you can’t stand being around each other more than a day or two at a time. That would be a disaster. I think getting comfortable is a good thing if you want to be with him long term.
Do what you think is right in your relationship, regardless of what your family thinks. Time apart is good and can increase a couple’s appreciation for each other, but time apart to “make him miss you” sounds too much like a ploy to me.
We like our time together…I don’t see why it should change =( But my sisters and mom say it isn’t healthy for him to get too comfortable like that seeing me every day. My sister thinks it’s okay to see each other every day/live together when you’re close to being married.
sigh I don’t think you have to follow a set of rules to a relationship
@chelle21689 If you feel fine without the giddy feeling that’s fine. I might have interpreted what you wrote incorrectly. I still love being around my husband. We have fun, it’s comfortable, I still love when he comes home from work, always happy to see him. I am not as giddy as when we first started dating, so yes that is nornal to some extent, but he still brings a smile to my face being with him. Taking each other for granted can mean different things. If it means you both feel committed and like you will be together forever, that is a nice feeling. If it means he doesn’t do nice, thoughtful things for you anymore, that he has changed from when he was wooing you, that isn’t a great situation. He should still do things that let you know he considers you and thinks about you.
He does nice things such as carrying my bags for me and things like that but stopped “wooing” lol. He always texts me every day and says “Hello beautiful” and makes sure he calls me every night if we’re not together to say “I love you”
we might have different terms of thinking when it comes to “taken for granted” i guess to me it’s that he’s more “comfortable” as in “get out! im boutta fart” lol
@chelle21689 sorry misread your post, I think though @JLeslie hit the nail on the head. In her first post. Although maybe I like to keep him on his toes, and a nervous wreck loll.
@chelle21689 Awww you guys sound like a sweet couple. :) I think it’s too early to say he is just going to have sex with you and never propose. That is the old way of thinking, the expression was “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.”
yeah i guess that is how my mom is thinking of it.
My older sister moved in with her man and they never got married until she got pregnant. So I don’t know what she’s talking about.
My oldest sister moved in with her bf and is not married, she’s 37. My mom said that’s different, it’s because she has a daughter…
It just doesn’t make sense. It’s okay for her to live with her man unmarried because she has a daughter, yet she doesn’t want me to have a baby before marriage.
@chelle21689 Maybe it isn’t ok to them. Maybe they have regrets and they don’t want the same thing to happen to you.
Let me ask you a question. Can you support yourself in your life? Or do you need a man to be a breadwinner?
Because if you are a self-supporter, then you can do whatever you want. And if your bf doesn’t work out, you’ll be fine.
If you plan to use him as a stud bull, and you plan to be the milt cow, then you better keep him on pins and needles. You better play games. You better do that traditional male female shit that keeps you in your set roles, but makes it damned hard to actually be honest with each other.
Personally, I think you can only have an equal and open and honest and loving relationship if you are equal. That doesn’t mean you have to make the same money, but it does mean you both bring equally to the relationship and, most importantly, you both perceive the other as indispensable.
Frankly, I think playing games is useless. So, if you have to go home and play the games your Mom wants you to play, then you’ve lost. You might as well quit. Although, in your culture, I’m sure they expect you to do that and wouldn’t understand the notion of the kind of equality I’m talking about. They certainly wouldn’t value it. They want to be what we here in the US call “the little woman.” Yech!
So you know what side I’m on. It’s ok if things aren’t as passionate now. So long as you are in love and can be honest and open with each other, then you are good. If you can take care of yourself, then it doesn’t matter if he is the breadwinner or not. You’ll be ok with him or without him. If he knows you are independent, then he has to know that you can leave any time, and that means he has to stay on his toes with regard to you.
That is the rub, isn’t it? Not being with your b/f could have a backfiring effect; he could stray his gaze to other women. No matter what, be it dating or a marriage when you have been with someone for some time, the luster fades unless you both keep buffing it to a high gloss. Like working at Disneyland, after 15 days the firework show is just part of the environment, you do not go out of your way to stop and look anymore. Do you expect him to still do things to impress you as if he is trying to get your attention and gain your heart? He has that already. What he should be thinking of, but not, is how to keep you interested. More time, less time, it is the quality of the time you spend that is most important now.
@chelle21689 said: “Don’t get me wrong he’s a good guy but I think with anyone that excitement slows down after being around each other so much. But what’s the point of marriage then if you’re going to see each other all the time anyways?”
Lol! I’m glad you noticed this.
That familiarity is going to come whether you get married or not. If it’s a just a question of whether it comes before or after marriage.. well, that’s a pretty useless reason to get married.
If you guys are happy, then keep growing together. Do new things together. Keep things interesting. If you got married, you would have the same task. If you’re not married yet, then my view is that you simply haven’t grown enough as yet to a point where marriage seems like either a gloriously wonderful must have.. and you haven’t grown enough to think it’s completely ridiculous and out of the question.
Just keep at it, keep adding more good to your relationship.
I beleive the Honeymoon phase is over I would not suggest rushing into moving in together, that is a common mistake for young people. I would suggest though that you could give him a little space. Maybe, depending on the person he is he would come to you rather then you always going to him. It would show that he misses you.
If I recall correctly, you are living with your parents, as this is culturally how your family does things. However, you are an adult.
It’s time for you to decide:
*Who you’ll date.
*How you’ll spend your free time.
*Where you’ll live.
*How you’ll spend your money.
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How does he feel about your timeline. Have you ever asked him? Are you two on the same page?
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