How do I reconcile my feelings about my X and my current g/f?

1. Relationships with regular “low lows” are not good relationships. Why haven’t you and your girlfriend in several years worked out these conflicts as they arise?

2. Why would you want to jump back into a relationship with much lower lows? One in which your ex left you for someone else?

3. You are yearning for your ex as a fantasy. Try this: Every time you start to think of her, shift the thoughts back to the lowest lows, back to how she left you. Every time! You will replace the fantasy with the reality.

4. Maybe neither one is right for you, But you are in a pretty committed relationship. I think you owe it to your current lover to work things out or to set her free before contemplating going back to your ex. Have you two considered counseling?

Sexual intensity is often part of a dysfunctional relationship cycle.
It’s a big lure, but a false one, as I think you know.
High highs and low lows are not part of true “love”, they are part of an addictive relationship.
Healthy relationships are stable and easy not emotional rollercoaster rides.

This doesn’t mean there is no passion, but it does mean there is emotional stability not crazy highs and lows to the extreme.
Society isn’t the problem, if you can’t commit and get clear on what you want, bedding multiple women will not solve that problem for you.
If you can’t solve the problems within a relationship, multiple relationships just bring more problems you can’t solve and using others sexually as a distraction from a relationships issues never works in the long run.
Being in lust is not the same as being in love.

Apples and oranges.
Sounds like you have some soul searching to do.

First of all, everyone knows rebounds are a bad idea, so to correct that mistake, perhaps you should take a little break from them both and focus on yourself and your growth (needs, interests, etc…)

Secondly, be very careful dismissing your X g/f from your life too easily. If it’s already been awhile and the thoughts and feelings are still there, you may owe it to each other to try again, seriously. Sometimes those feelings never go away and that is called living with regrets, which is not a good idea. It’s not fair to yourself, the new g/f or the ex.

All relationships have ups and downs, I’ve been with my husband over 10 years, so trust me, and try not to judge a relationship by that. Instead judge it based on how you resolve those situations and ‘lows’...is it fully resolved, are you both able to compromise, does the same situation re-occur a year down the road?

When I think back on my relationships and life, I truly wish I had given myself every opportunity to find the right person to partner through life with, and you owe yourself that opporunity as well. If you have doubts, which it sounds like you do, and unresolved feelings for the x which it sounds like you do, try to tell yourself you may be keeping your current g/f from finding the perfect person for her as well. It’s a good thing to explore your feelings completely. Good luck.

@marinelife 1) My g/f and I do work out the problems when they arise, but they still come up now and then. Most of them are new things and not simply rehashes of the old ones. 2)As for my X, I’m a firm believer that the relationship failed because it was long distance for it’s entirety, and there was an “age-bracket” difference that we couldn’t work out (she is significantly younger). Hence her leaving me for another man, who was local and her age. On paper he seemed the perfect escape for me, but it didn’t work out (as I immediately predicted and continued to predict when we talked). 3) I do attempt to do that trick, and sometimes it works. Other times it doesn’t. It has yet to make it go away all together though. 4) I have also considered that neither may be right for me. Hence why I’m kind of seeking some advice on this website (at the suggestion of a friend).

@Coloma It wasn’t just a sexual intensity. It was a passion. Even in our biggest fights, we always ended up more in love, running back to one another. I would like to agree with you that these things are just signs of an addictive relationship, but I’m several years removed from it, and in a loving/stable relationship… yet here I am. The multiple relationships comment was more of a joke on my part.

@KNOWITALL The current g/f was originally a rebound. But it developed into much more over time. It is somewhat unfair, in that she started on bad footing with me, at a disadvantage because I was heart broken over the X. But those days have passed, and I am now firmly in love with her. And trust me, I haven’t dismissed my X from my life. Hence me being here in pain/confusion.

Your advice seems to be to let go of the current g/f if she is keeping me unhappy, or I’m using her as a band aid or what have you. But honestly I dunno what the reality is. It feels like I’m in love with her. But then I have these feelings about my X… the knot in my stomach, the longing…. It’s difficult to figure out.

“My X left me for another man”

That should be all you need to know to move on.

@newguy My ex and I both chose the new guy/girl and have been married to them for over 10 years, we’re still friends and talk occasionally but we do have some pretty major regrets in some aspects. Remember that marriage is a pretty major committment, and it’s not that easy to walk away from once you’re in.

@poisonedantidote haha… I hear that. But I feel for the guy, it’s not always that easy.

Sometimes I think the desire for passion is a pathology. Which isn’t to say it’s bad. I want passion. I need passion. But passion is dangerous for my marriage. We had passion at the beginning, but it went away and nearly killed my marriage. We got some back, but I wish we had more.

I hope you have passion that lasts. Passion, must, of necessity, come and go because it depends on contrast. But I think it is worth it for some people. In any case, I would not ignore this call.

However, you should know that if you don’t follow it, it will fade and go away eventually. It might take another yeah, and it might take ten. But it will go away. Passion is no guarantee of anything. But then, neither is any other kind or relationship and neither is marriage any guarantee.

There’s no right and wrong with feelings. They are what they are. If you can, you might want to think practically about them. Any marriage is going to take problem solving skills. You must be dedicated to working things out. You can’t let passion lead you around by the nose if you are going to make a marriage work. You have to focus on that marriage.

So don’t take your feelings that seriously. Rather, use your head and decide what kind of life you want. If you want passion and change and instability, then go for your ex. You may or may not get her, but that’s part of her charm. If you want stability then go for your gf and marry her and have a family if you want.

What you are asking is an existential question, not a question with a correct answer. It’s about what kind of life you want. No one can tell you that. We can only describe the options with perhaps more clarity than you have. If you were me, you would choose passion. But I really am bipolar and I need that kind of tension and drama in order to feel like my life is worth living. Most people who choose a more stable life. But that kind of life is deadly to me. Then again, the passionate life can be deadly, too. Stability does keep me alive, even if it bores me and makes me feel the ache of something missing.

The guy who thinks long term will choose stability. The guy who can’t get past his feelings will choose excitement and danger. Some guys try to have both. It can work. If you don’t get caught. But everyone gets caught. Eventually. There are lots of women here who have caught a guy with his hand in the cookie jar. They are all advocating for nice stable steady guys. That oughtta tell you something.

Well said Wundayatta!!! ;)

My first reaction is that your girlfriend doesn’t deserve you to be feeling the way you do. If she is so amazing and fantastic, she deserves someone who will appreciate that rather than wishing she was more passionate or more this or that or just different. Just be honest with her….I would hate to be in that place, and usually that feeling does mean you are discontent, maybe you just don’t want to see it. Think about it from her point of view, or if she had those same feelings for another guy, especially after being with you for years.

You’ll always remember your former girlfriends.
Usually these memories will be void of most of the reasons and feelings why they are former.
Let the former one go.

The one right in front of you now deserves your full attention see what happens when you give it to her.

Perhaps you are more in love or in passion with an ‘idea’ An idea of a woman who is so sexy so passionate, that she is worth being two timed, or cheated on, er no wait that was not in the idea, that was the reality . Yes, maybe you miss and love the idea of this woman. Not the woman herself.