What are some simple, relatively stealthy crackpot meals?

At first I thought you meant Crock pot, but now I’m not so sure.
So, stealthy… you want something that doesn’t make too much of a mess…How about just pouring a can of cream of mushroom soup into a crock pot, and throwing a pork chop inside. Leave it for 2 hours, and maybe make some rice to go with it. Easy, and not too many pots to wash.

Crackpot. I mean crackpot. There was already a question about crockpots, but it was in general and so people can’t be silly. Now there is a question in social, and you can use your imagination. I want silliness, dammit! What do I have to do to get silliness around here?

I came up empty when I thought of stealthy simple (and funny) food. Then I typed in Food James Bond would eat, and I got this: Who knew? LOL!
http://www.easyliving.co.uk/recipes/breakfast-brunch/scrambled-eggs

Put two cans of cream of tomato soup in a pot add 12 ounces of half & half . Bring to simmer add Worcestershire sauce ( about a half a teaspoon ) throw a 15 ounce can of diced tomatoes. Serve with a dollop on sour cream in deep bowl. Croutons optional.

I met someone once who thought people were poisoning his food that he left in his house or when he ate out.
He ate prepackaged food that hadn’t been punctured and restaurants that made food in front of him.
I am not sure if he ate produce, I limited contact with him. He definitely fits the crackpot category.

You didn’t detail whether or not you had resources; money a kitchen or what. I find if I am in a rush I eat apples, banana’s or oranges with peanut butter. Chips or veggies, usually buy them precut with hummus or some precooked sausages,

Considering you want to flush toxins, finding a pure source of water and flushing the toxin’s from your body seems best cranberry or tea are diuretics. Also activated charcoal is supposedly supposed to clean out your system, though you have to eat something healthy to rebuild healthy flora, yogurt would be good for that.

I hear fresh slugs are easy to find, high in protein, and taste a bit like raw oysters. So the preppers say. Are they crackpots? Depends on when the doomsday scenario takes unfolds.

Can of tuna and a box of crackers? Dead cheap, no need to heat anything, and easy to transport in case you need to flee at a moment’s notice.

Assuming I had the equipment, I might just be brave enough to do some of the crazy things I’ve seen on Heston’s Feasts. Like when he fried bugs and injected them with tomato sauce. D’you reckon they teach you how to do that in spy training?

There’s nothing like flowers. Phlox buds are good with wintergreen and watercress. And tree nuts. Grasshoppers would add a bit of crunch and protein.(They’re better roasted, but raw will do if no fire is available.) He’d need to drink a lot of water to keep them down.

Mares eat oats,
and does eat oats,
and little lambs eat ivy.
A kid’ll eat ivy, too.
Wouldn’t you?

Stealthy food has to be quiet so no crunchy celery, crackers, granola bars, cereal ,except for soggy cereal,and definitely no popcorn! (I had a bad non stealth experience related to popcorn that almost got me grounded in high school, sad, but true)
No shells to crack open and only cans with flip top or peel off lids (a manual can opener might be okay)
Steel jaw traps for hunting prey wouldn’t work, too noisy by far! (not to mention inhumane) Come to think of it the only hunting method would have to kill instantaneously and silently so that rules out most crackpot hunters (of which we know there are a few)

Even vacuum seals popping open might not be stealthy enough.So no Snapple and no applesauce in glass jars but peel off lids like snack packs could pass even strict CIA imposed stealth standards.

You would need a very sharp knife for carving and slicing so it would glide through food without chopping or hacking.
No microwaves and no bubbling pots of soup or vegetables.
No sizzling steaks or deep fried chicken.
No eggs (cracking the shells open silently might be possible but it sounds a little messy)
You need to prepare it and cook it silently and eat it silently.
Oh and what about smells! If the food you cook is fragrant that would be a dead giveaway! I’m not really sure how stealthy you need to be, so that is a consideration. But then you did say “relatively stealthy” so maybe smells are okay? Maybe a quietly boiling little pot of water would be okay? (I do so love my noodles!)

Hmm, so that leaves stealth cooked vegetables, peanut butter and vegemite, jerky, tomatoes, bread (not too crusty) cheese, berries. bananas, avocados, ….hmm, this is starting to sound like a disaster preparedness pantry, sorta.

So our menu could include:
Peanut butter and banana on white bread. Stealthy and crackpot certified.
Vegemite sandwich with kangaroo jerky (it’s the kangaroo jerky that makes it a bit crackpot)
applesauce and porchetta Definitely a weird looking and scary thing. Could be construed as crackpot, especially if you are a vegetarian. (ok,ok, if you aren’t a crackpot and you are easily grossed out, try the precooked variety here

Tuna Pate’
1 Pkg softened cream cheese
1 can cut up tuna
1 tsp horseradish

Okay, okay, I’m just not crackpot enough. It may not all be stealthy, but these people sure have me beat!!

Great question, @wundayatta . I don’t like it when people use the word “healthy” when what they really intend is “healthful,” but it’s a losing battle. A “healthy” meal is one that is so vigorous that it can wrassle you to the floor!
Also, I should not have sat down to read this thread during lunch O_o

@Earthgirl You make me so wish I had some kind of prize to give you! That was greater than a great answer! If I were your teacher, I’d give you an “exceeds expectations” sticker.

And thank you all for your answers. I am so glad that life is stranger than I ever imagined.