What would you say if you found yourself sitting on Santa's lap?

If you touch me, I will call the police.

@ragingloli knowing you you’d actually say “touch me OR I will call the police” xD (jk)

Look dude. Keep your paws to yourself. I’m going to make this easy for you. Next time the powerball gets over 500 mill, do me a solid and leave me with a winning ticket. Thanks man. You’re a brick!

Is that a candy cane in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

“Dude, I said ‘give me a big, fat bank account and a slim body’, not the other way around!”

Does Mrs. Claus know where you are and that you let strangers climb on your lap all day long?

What’s that on your lap?

<embarrassed Santa>

Ew, that’s gross dude.

I’m sorry, I must be way more drunk than I thought I could ever be.

Santa baby, hurry down my chimney tonight, and don’t forget the checks.

Do you like what you do?

Where is David Sedaris?

Hello whiskey breathe, this is awkward, and why do we subject kids to this?

Santa, the only thing I want this year is for you to please bring a peaceful end to the war on Christmas. My gift would be the blessed silence of folks not screaming bloody murder about decorated trees and nativity scenes.

I’d whisper in Santa’s ear and tell him that I believe and what I want for Christmas. I want a soft kiss full of passion from my someone special at midnight on New Year’s Eve. Ringing in 2013 together and wanting to make it work.

Will I get my Barrett this year? Pleeeeease. I won’t shoot my eye out.

‘Hey Santa, Get your prostate checked.”

@LuckyGuy . . . there’s something wrong with santa’s hooker?

On Tuesday I went out for lunch with a friend and she tricked me into going to see Santa because the line was surprisingly short for once (and mind you, she’s 21 and I’m 24). She kept asking me what I was going to ask Santa for Christmas and I told her I didn’t know (I’m really not good at asking for things). Since I’d had my last interview in a series of interviews for my dream job just the day before, she kept saying “tell him you want the job for Christmas.” I told her not to mention it and that I would make something up once I got up there. When it was our turn and he asked me the dreaded question, my “creative” response was: a trip to Europe (because, you know, no one else wants that~), while in my head all I kept thinking was “I want that job, I want that job.” Santa did his best to sound impressed and I have to give him props for that. Then my friend and I went on our way to go get our lunch and while waiting in line to place our orders, my phone started ringing and lo and behold it was the company telling me that I’d gotten the job!! Imagine if I’d actually told Santa that that’s what I wanted and then got the call?? I’m sure I would’ve started believing in every single divine thing that’s supposedly out there haha

Yo ho ho and a bottle of…um, sorry bro. I thought this was pirate bay.

How many kids have wet their pants today? Do you have to change after each ‘event’?
How many spare pairs of red pants do you have?

@Blondesjon No matter how good it feels she has not likely been trained in med school to perform a proper prostate exam, nor does she have the equipment and blood analyzers to do test. Any man over 55 should know his PSA number. (prostate specific antigen)
If Santa’s doc won’t write the lab request, he should have an elf kick the doc in the nuts and find one who cares about his patients more than the HMO.
Ho, ho, ho!

Santa, what big Christmas balls you have.