How do you support people close to you who are going through a divorce?

Is the divorce likely to be a bitter, awful affair or is it more amicable than that? I’ve found that really makes a difference in how the friends divide. “I’m sorry you guys are going through this” probably works in either situation, though.

My ex-husband and I had good friends who divorced and the guy was a kind of a jerk prior to that, and a serious jerk during their divorce, so it was easy to stay friends with the wife and let him go. We were honest with the guy, telling him we didn’t think he was handling things with his wife in the right way, but we were sad for both of them and told him so. We were nice to the husband (still are, when we see him around), but all the support went to the wife, and she is still close friends with both of us, even after my ex and I divorced (much more amicably).

@augustlan I’m really not sure, but I suspect it may be bitter and potentially get really ugly, because there is going to be a custody fight. I honestly don’t feel like I will ever see the wife again when this is over, and I admit that makes me a little sad.

That’s too bad. Divorce is almost always sad, but bitter, ugly ones are damn awful. :(

@DigitalBlue There is no good answer to this question, especially if it gets ugly. If you support one, the other is going to turn on you. If you try to stay neutral they will both hate you. Face it, you’re screwed.

It’s difficult because you have a closer relationship with one than the other. I would be kind and supportive to the wife but the husband is really your friend and so he would probably be my priority. If you are having a party/bbq or something – invite one and not the other but perhaps invite the other over for coffee or whatever at another time. Listen and be caring – but don’t get into bagging the other party and keep an open mind. There are always two sides to every story (as you are fully aware I know) so I personally would avoid taking sides.

I have learned the hard way that you have to just choose one or the other. I have been burned more than once by one party(always been the wife) who takes everything I say and twists it around and throws it in the other parties face. I never said anything negative, but by the time they were done massaging my words I looked like a rat.
I keep on trying but in reality there is rarely such a thing as joint custody of the friends.

Without it getting nasty most of our friends have gravitated to the one of us they were closest to. Many of his friends told me how sad they were about our split and I’ve seen a few once or twice but there has been an organic division. And a loss.