This is too long. You really don’t want to read it.
@Shippy You’ve never trolled bars. Good for you. Hey! Guess what? Neither have I. I’m not a big drinker, or I’m sure I would have. However, I have had to deal with this issue all my life and I have come to believe that it is harder for us than it is for most. I think sex means more to us, on average that to people who don’t have the disorder. I think we experience life in a significantly different way from others.
There is no way to ever prove that. Individual experience will always remain only that. Even if the fMRIs can read every change of a molecular state in our brains, I don’t think we’ll ever be able to create a one to one correspondence between chemistry and feelings and thoughts.
You say we need to follow the same rules as everyone else. I say that as long as we do that, one in five people with bipolar disorder will still be committing suicide. I say that that is too much of a cost.
Now I’m sure people will laugh at me and call me hysterical for saying that we can apply the same rules of rest of society to bipolar folks and all it will cost us is one-fifth the population, and since those folks are crazy, no one really cares. It’ll be fine. However, I have come to this conclusion after a great deal of struggle and thought.
It can be so hard to separate out the disorder from regular thinking, and I don’t know if it’s possible. Brain chemistry changes everything, including our thoughts. Including our way of thinking; our thinking habits; and indeed, the actually thoughts we think, particularly the ones having to do with relationships and emotions.
People will think I’m rationalizing behavior, and they might well be right. Maybe I’m just an idiot, thinking that if I don’t get enough intense connections with women, I’ll get so lonely and depressed I’ll kill myself. But I know where I’ve been and what it felt like and I know what makes me feel different; like living. I know the thoughts are persistent and strong. Maybe it’s true and maybe it isn’t. But if I don’t find a way to feel connected, I will get depressed. And if I get depressed, I don’t know what I might do. When I feel loved, none of these thoughts happen.
For twenty years, I was faithful, although for ten of those years, things got progressively worse, ending with getting sick (so the doctors tell me), and “acting out” as the therapy community likes to call it. Since then, it’s been a struggle, but I will say that my responsibilities to my wife and children are my top priority. But my responsibility to myself is also a high priority, because if I’m not around, I can’t help anyone else.
So I would take an alternative approach—one where you do what you have to in order to stay alive. You’re no good to anyone dead. I think that for bipolar folks, this is a serious risk. Well, I know it’s a serious risk for me. I fully expect to be laughed at and derided for this, because I know how people think and how this is an idea few people could conceive of. Perhaps it is just another symptom. I don’t know.
But I’d take your feelings seriously. I would not try to shove them down. Ideally, you would discuss them with your boyfriend, and perhaps even get permission to see your ex. But ideal is unlikely and will probably put you out on the street.
Another option is to sneak around. Of course, if you do that, you will feel guilty and you will always have that secret coming between you and your bf. Eventually, it could break any closeness that you have. So it could cost you this relationship, even if you never get caught, and you will get caught. We always do. Often we are forgiven, time and time again, but that doesn’t matter. The guilt eats you up, and you won’t let yourself be trusted, even if he chooses to trust you again.
Your final option is to not do it. To let it eat at you and take over your mind, which it will, because that’s how our minds work. We need to find ways to release the thoughts without acting on them, if we are to honor our promises. This is not easy.
I find that having online relationships is safer. I never meet the person. I just get this kind of brain fix—fall in love—and then, as I always do, I push the people away and break up, and I’ve had this burst of intensity without actually doing anything in the real world that would cause a problem. I do not to this on purpose. It’s just a pattern I’ve noticed. It’s not something I have been able to control, so far. I try not to beat myself up for it, because it’s easy to look at myself and wonder why it’s so easy for everyone else to keep their virtual pecker in their virtual pants. See. I’m being mean to myself so other people can come along and help me out. I’m a shame junkie, too. Inviting people to beat me up, in the same way you have by asking this question (and this question was guaranteed to have people try to shame you, whether you were conscious of it or not).
But I also have hope that maybe some people will understand. Maybe they will find my version of event persuasive. Maybe they won’t think I’m a soulless, immoral douchebag, as one user here always calls me. But there’s always lots of hate here if you enjoy that kind of thing.
I think we need to be accepted despite our behavior. I don’t think we can be accepted. People consider that condoning behavior that would destroy society. Perhaps they are right. Perhaps it is best if we just die if we can’t conform. And it’s probably as black and white as that. Martyrs for something, at best. But unlikely. Aagh. It makes me sick. I think it’s better to cheat than to die. But I don’t think I’ll have any luck convincing anyone those could ever be the choices for some people. They’ll insist it is possible to abstain without getting depressed. For your sake, I hope that is possible. If I were a praying man, I’d pray to ever god I knew that you weren’t like me. Aren’t you glad you asked? LOL.
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