Dear Squaresoft. You fucks. Stop making Final Fantasy. And stop being a vampire and sucking up all the life force from other honest game companies. First it was SquareEnix. Then it will be SquareNamco, SquareBandai, and then SquareEnixBandaiNamcoTombRaiderEidos.
You guys piss me the hell off. Final Fantasy was awesome back when it was awesome. Like, when your protagonist used swords and shit. Now listen up. This is the game that I want.
You’re a Viking chieftain. Your goal is to spread the law of steel, as well as your sperm. You manage your troops, you train them against wolves and polar bears. You gather food, furs, you make weapons, you get drunk. This could be a cool Viking simulation game, and you know it.
Mind you everyone over at Square, I respect and admire the actual, true history Vikings. But you guys can’t make any game anymore unless the main character is named after a weather disaster. So has spoken chieftain Nightstorm AleChugger. Ya heard?
You build drakkars. You travel to foreign lands, brave the violent seas, then you meet new and ecxiting people…you honor their battle spirit…then you slaughter them. Use tactics, use cunning, use force. Rape everyone. Take their shit. And as Cerdic so wonderfully quoted, leave no children or women behind who may eventually learn to wield a sword.
That is, of course, unless you want to capture them, make them slaves or warriors. Fuck up Lindisfarne. Trade with Indians, discover new lands, and spread your badassness all around. This could be a game. A real cool Viking sim game which incorporates both the romanticized Viking and the real Viking. And destroy all internet pirate memes, once and for all.
You have classes. Warriors, berserkers, shamans, potion brewers, blacksmiths, shipbuilders, The Joker. They’re all there.
Come on Square. You can do this. YOU’RE FUCKIN VIKINGS YOURSELVES when it comes to the gaming industry, so how hard can it be?
Also include a hair styling feature so I can make my Vikings look all cool. Face paint. Funky helmets. And I want bears as pets. And wolves. And then some kind of pantherwolf. DO IT.
Sincerely yours,
Gabrihell FrozenNoseTroll of the IronBraid Clan
I apologize in advance folks, but now you know why I don’t have a blog