How can I be rational and even minded about this?

@trailsillustrated I am in a similar situation. All I go on to get through the day is when my kids tell their grandparents that their mom is being unfair and they can’t believe it.

You need to think about whose opinion matters to you, and what they will think long term. Somebody besting you today matters nothing when you are thinking about your kids long term perceptions.

You’re in a rotten mess. That’s all there is to it. I’m sorry that you’re going through such a rough time, and I’m sorry your ex is such an ass.

Without stipulations in the divorce decree about how the money you pay your ex is to be spent, you have no grounds to stand on legally.

Those are blunt words, but this is a business deal. Divorce is a business transaction, plain and simple.

How are you supposed to feel? Rotten. Awful. Angry. Enraged. Any way you want really.

As for rationality, leave that to the lawyers. Do you still retain a lawyer in the case? Where was the case decided, in the US or the other country? If it’s in the other country, then you’re right. You’ve got to do everything in your power to get back there and get a new hearing.

If the jurisdiction is in the US, you have little recourse, because the children are abroad. The ex can do really whatever he pleases.

Now, for you, @trailsillustrated, breathe deeply. Take a soaking bath. Take a vigorous walk. Use your energy to think of constructive ways to get back to that country. Be kind to yourself somehow. My heart goes out to you and your pain. If you do any kind of meditation, then right now would be a good time to try some.

If you don’t know how to meditate, then sit in a chair and cry. Do nothing else. Don’t rock. Don’t smoke a cigarette, if you’re a smoker. Don’t drink anything. Sit and cry.

You can get through this. You will.

@Hawaii_Jake thankyou for your kind words. It took me 9 years to get the money. It is all decided, years ago. I only have to get home. PS I can’t take a soaking bath, because I live in a shitty ass room as I send all my money home! lol

I can’t really add anything more than what has been commented on already, but just as @Imadethisupwithnoforethought has said, kids pay attention to these things. I’m sure they must view you in the most positive light, and will look back fondly on what a great parent you are.

My younger cousins are in a tough spot where they live with one parent, their mom, and their dads are either flaky or not in the picture. Well let me tell you, they sure remember everything. Especially how their dad took their family’s cars away and how they and their mom had to walk everywhere. One day they came over, after a visit at their dad’s new house, and told me “It’s not fair. Dad has three cars and we don’t. Why can’t he share?”. They are only 7 and 6, yet they still no its not right and can recall every other unfair thing that has been done to them by their dad.

(*edit: they posted this before I finished typing!)
I’m sorry for your awful situation. You sound like a wonderful parent, and I hope you can find some comfort in such a stressful time to remind yourself of that. Good luck, and hold your head up high :)

When i used to feel like that, I would go jogging outside.

My life is much more even now, and when I start to feel like I’m going to be angry, I just de-rail it by talking myself out of it.

This is a good example of why lawyers try to set up trust accounts for the children, so the ex can’t spend the money without a trustee approval. My sister-in-law works in family court and she says a good lawyer can head off that sort of issue from the very start.

I’m not excusing his behaviour in the slightest and I have no idea whether you have consistently paid child support but perhaps just not the total amount, however, if you owed $50,000 I can only guess you have not been paying what you were required to pay (regardless of whether that is a fair demand of you or not – that’s a whole different topic). If you haven’t been paying, your ex has had to support your children over that time. He has already spent this money and you have now paid it back. They have needed to be fed, clothed and the mortgage still needed to be paid even if you weren’t paying.

I’m not saying he shouldn’t have used any of this lump sum on your children – I certainly would have. I just know my ex owed me a few thousand dollars but that’s money I have already spent looking after our children and so when he does pay, I use it however I want to rather than specifically on my kids.

Is it possible to have the court oversee the support money?

I’m sorry this happening to you. Are your children living in this house he bought? If so hang onto that for consolation.

I know some wives that have taken lump sums to get new boobs you know. It’s infuriating. We are powerless over people places and situations. He sounds like an ass. Also if you’d stuck around maybe it would have been worse and more costly. Hugs.