Nobody seems to listen to me. Can somebody help me?

There are all sorts of possibilities, but if nobody is listening to you it may be because what you say is bullshit. I suggest you take into account the possibility that the problem is you, not them. Just sayin

@josie If that’s so. Then what is my problem? I feel so horrible about being a problem! I don’t want to burden anybody. I don’t know what my problem is! I don’t know what is wrong with me!

@BBawlight – they tell you in 12 step meetings that you can choose your friends but you are stuck with your family. But you can choose how much time you spend with them and how much credence you give to what they say. Just because they are your family does not guarantee they cannot be cruel or stupid or even assholes. I don’t know how old you are, but keep in mind the time will come when you can move out and then you will not have to put up with it anymore. Find friends who are supportive and care about you and spend time with them when you can.

Also if you are still in school, talk to a counselor or a teacher you trust. It is good to have someone to open up to.

I don’t think people whine or cry for nothing, your feelings could be right or wrong but you are entitled to have them and they should be respected.

You are 13 years old. These are difficult years on you, and they won’t stop for probably 3 more years. You will be insecure and feel awkward for a while. This is normal.
Even though you are experiencing normal feelings for someone your age, don’t think it is okay for your brother to say these abusive things. Be firm with your parents to correct him.

You may well be being heard, but not getting the affirmation you expect. I was away for much of my son’s teen years, and because he was an only I don’t have much of a frame of experience to help you. It sounds like you are a female, which also puts me out of my element. My wife says what you are feeling is pretty normal at the age indicated on your profile. (She had brothers and sisters) Hormones are raging, making you more sensitive to stuff.

It will get better. It does’t feel like that now. I know. But it will. Like @filmfann said, this is such a difficult age…hormones going crazy don’t make things any easier either. But this too will pass. Find another girl your age and talk about what you are experiencing. We all went through this. Hey, Merry Christmas.

Everyone says it’s hormones. I know how they affect (effect?) your emotions.
I’ve felt these emotions for a long while. I doesn’t stop at my family either. It goes on to when I first started school. My parents know that I’m “highly intelligent” (someone has even called me gifted). Logic is my first answer to everything. Which usually gets me into the depressive hole I’m in now. Hormones might be part of the answer to this, but I know what I’m talking about. I just can’t say for sure.
I just want to be able to communicate with my parents clearly so I can portray my emotions to them. It’s just not easy when I’m extremely frustrated like I am now. They keep saying that I’m having an attitude when I’m not! I’m trying my best not to scream at them. It’s really hard! I don’t know how to tell them calmly!
It’s like crying is the only way for them to listen to me! But it’s only to comfort me. I know they really don’t care about my complaints.

You seem to have a gift with the written word. Do you journal? Have you tried writing a letter to your mom? You really are an articuate writer.

@bkcunningham I do? It’s not that good, really. I don’t journal… I have a file on the computer that’s password protected so I can write down what I’m feeling sometimes. But it’s not used very often. I have a hard time keeping one because I like to talk in my mind. I understand myself and sometimes that’s enough to hold me over. I remember how I feel and the conversations I have with myself, so it’s easy. I haven’t tried writing one before. I don’t know how or what would happen if I did. I don’t know what kind of voice she would have playing in her mind and it frightens me.

Yes, @BBawlight, you are an excellent writer. I use to feel just like you feel. Sometimes it still seems like nobody listens or understands my words. I write down my feelings and journal my thoughts and experiences. It makes me feel better. It make me feel creative and like I matter. It is difficult to explain unless you have experienced how freeing writing can be. Please, give it a try. You can be angry, romantic, silly or philosophical. As long as you hear the words in your mind’s eye, that’s all that matters sometimes.

If your brother is calling you fat and ugly than that definitely has nothing to do with whatever you might be doing that is annoying, if you are being annoying. He is simply being mean, and it is inexcusable. Your parents not correcting that is a big miss on their part, but parents are not perfect, no ones parents are perfect. Do you obsess about how you look? Is that why he might be targeting that to irritate you?

They are pushing your bottons, does your whole family do that to each other? Do you do it to them?

I think you should consider going to a therapist if you really feel very badly or depressed. Someone you can vent to and help you with your self esteem. Maybe she will have a family session or two so everyone can say their perspective and work on how to make communication in your family more peaceful and more constructive.

Also, I promise adulthood is way better than this teenage shit. Just hold on, life becomes great.

I guess that my first suggestion to you would be: “Pick your battles.”

There are things wrong in the world around us, in our own families, in our own rooms and in our own heads. You can’t fix them all; no one can. It won’t help to bitch about everything. (In fact, you’ll find that it often doesn’t help to “bitch about” anything. But you can try to do things on your own to fix things.)

If something is really the most major problem in your life, or if it threatens your life (obviously) or makes it intolerable, then that is the thing to bitch about. And try to avoid, as much as possible, complaining about anything else.

So the second piece of advice is: “Don’t bitch about things. Get up and do something.”

If your brother is just being nasty to you, then you have to learn to ignore it. He only baits you because it’s successful. He says something and you react, so he wins (in his world). Don’t let him win. Don’t react.

I haven’t read the other answers but I just want to acknowledge that this sucks. Not having any respect is a crappy place to be and I’m sorry you’re there. You’re stuck with your family and it sounds like they’re pretty dysfunctional. There are probably reasons but that doesn’t make your life feel any better now.
You could ask for therapy, it might help you cope, but really, until you are no longer dependant on them you might have to suck it up (Therapy can help you do that.)
My suggestion would be to immerse yourself in school and get great grades and be a stinkin success. Then you can throw it back in their faces. That’s kind of what I did and I’m in my 50’s now and my family all respects me. I also make sure I don’t live to close to any of them.

@bkcunningham I’ve heard that I’ve had a very… unusual writing style before. Haha. I like myself, so maybe a journal can be like… an extension or projection of my inner self.

@JLeslie My brother does that to me, my dad does it sometimes. I’m very self conscious to the point where I don’t want to see myself in mirrors or windows while walking around school because I’m afraid I’ll look fat or ugly. I’ve been wanting to see a therapist. I feel like I have some sort of manic-depressive thing going on. Even a little disassociation. I’m trying not to feel so bad all the time by telling myself that I’m awesome. It always makes me smile.

@CWOTUS I’m depressed. I know that. I hate feeling like I’m “bitching” about anything. It makes me feel horrible. I just want to throw my cup full of opinions out of the window and just accept things how they are. It’s hard feeling like I’m bothering people and when I complain about my brother again, I feel like I’m just annoying them again. I don’t want to do that and I hate it when I do!

I’m trying to change for the better because I feel like I’m annoying people all the time, but it’s hard when I have this cup full of opinions!

@BBawlight many adults, especially men, have no idea how affected some teenage girls are by this sort of thing. A therapist could emphasize to your father how serious this is.

Have you taken a stand, calmly, when no one is being mean or fighting to talk to your parents and tell them you want this to stop. That you want to hear exactly, specifically, what they find irritating about what you do or say, and that you want to be taken seriously when you say calling you names is really affecting you? Ask them to explain to you in detail why they think it is ok for anyone to call you ugly? If they just say you are too sensitive, say back, “so you think it is ok people call me ugly?” I can’t imagine they will say yes. Hopefully, they will start really thinking about what is going on. I also think you should tell them you feel very depressed and want to get better. Adding the want to get better should avoid them trying to think you are just saying it for attention.

How old is your brother? If he is younger than you stop spending time with him. Tell him if he treats you badly you will just leave the room. Then do it. He says something mean, point it out to him and leave the room. If he is older it is more problematic.

You say you are annoying people. What exactly are you doing?

@BBawlight, I’m sorry you are feeling this way. Sometimes we don’t get on with our families and you are, as @filmfann suggested in the middle of puberty. That really does mess with our emotions.

I think @bkcunningham‘s idea about journaling is a very good one. It can be hard to get used to writing about our feelings but it really can be very cathartic. Don’t worry about the style or whether you are writing well. That’s not the point. The writing is for you. It’s a place for you to get your feelings and thoughts out. Give it another go and try to make it a bit of a habit.

I also think going to talk to your school counselor is a very worthwhile thing to do. They understand the pressures you are going through in terms of your age but they may even be able to help you broach what is happening with your family with your parents. Perhaps your parents are unaware of how hurt and fragile you are feeling. Sometimes we need someone else to give us advice so we can see things more clearly but a counselor can, with your permission, talk to your parents if they feel that’s necessary.

Don’t keep these feelings inside and don’t feel you are useless or horrible. You aren’t. It can just be hard to find our way when we are 13 (and older). If you can learn to love you, you will find it easier to deal with criticism from your brother. Speak to your school counselor or even call something like a kids helpline. We have one of those here and you can ring up any time and talk to someone about how you are feeling.

@Bellatrix I don’t know how to talk to people about these things. I’ve never initiated a conversation like this and I really don’t know how. My parents think they know how I feel all the time. They think they know me. I bet they have no idea what kind of emotions are running through my mind because it’s almost always a facade with them. I come out on here where I feel safe. Sometimes I feel so depressed it makes me physically ill. I’m trying by saying I’m awesome and my parents will just tell me to deal with it on my own.
How do I talk to my school counselor? I don’t even know where their office is located or what time I should go. I have classes all day and don’t know when to ask or how to ask or what. I’m just so afraid I’m going to mess up or embarrass myself.

My parents say that when it comes to seeing into my mid (hypothetically) It’s like they hit a wall. I’ve wanted a therapist for god knows how long, but I’m always too shy to do anything about it. I don’t know how to talk to people and it’s strange…
(You guys have a kid’s hotline? I haven’t heard of anything like that… Weird.)

@BBawlight, you write well. I understand it can be hard to speak about things that are incredibly painful to us. Write it down. Give your counselor a letter to explain how you are feeling. That breaks the ice and you can say what’s on your mind and then talk about things from there. Ask your teacher who the school counselor is. You don’t need to explain what you want to talk about. They will be able to tell you how to find the person. I am sure you can go and talk to the counselor after school or before or during your lunch break.

I think you need to speak to a doctor or a therapist too. This is something your school counselor can again help with. They can talk to your mum and dad about this. Which city are you in? I will see if I can find something similar for you to our kids helpline. You can always keep coming here and talking to us.

I agree with @Bellatrix talk to your school counselor. You can ask a teacher or principal or even someone who works in the principals office. They may even have the counselors name online if you google your school and city. On the website for your school it probably names all the staff at the school.

Don’t be afraid. Most adults understand very well how hard this can be.

@Bellatrix My problem with the school thing is that I don’t know when I should ask my teacher. People always seem to know when to do it and how to do it and who they should talk to, but I don’t. I’ve never done it before. I get all nervous when I have to ask my teachers questions out of class. It’s just really strange. I get weak in the knees and feel like I’m about to puke.
I think Augustlan can tell you which city I’m in if you don’t already know… I could PM it to you, too. It’s not really safe to give that kind of stuff out since I’m on a hardline internet connection today.

Generally when people don’t listen to me, that’s fine. Eventually you’ll see the window open and have the opportunity to spread your wings.

Good point on not broadcasting your location and I should have thought about that :-) PM me if you like and I will look it up for you.

Have you told your parents in all seriousness how depressed and self conscious you are? That you want to see a therapist?

You have at least one fairly clear problem that you might be able to address relatively quickly, and that is your feelings about what your brother says. He tells you you are fat and ugly (or something like that). He does it in order to get power over you. He can see that it bothers you. He can see it makes you cry.

The thing here is to practice letting his words go right through you without attaching any meaning to them. Instead of hearing them, you can hear babbling. And when you think about it, they aren’t much different from babbling.

You have to understand that as a teenage girl, there is nothing more important to you that what others, especially boys, think of you. You have to fight millions of years of evolution on this one. But trust me when I tell you that what your brother thinks of you doesn’t matter. He’s probably lying, and even if he isn’t, it doesn’t matter, because he’s your brother, and his job is to annoy you and make you crazy.

Your job is to ignore him and let him know you think he is less than nothing. So when he insults you, you just don’t hear it. Or you thank him (which could really annoy him right back). But mostly you show his words don’t matter by remaining unmoved. You don’t have to ignore them. You can acknowledge his opinion and tell him you will use that to become a better person. Whatever is the opposite of what your really feel is what you say.

You can turn it around and lay it on thick back to him about how handsome and strong and smart he is. How you admire him. You have to trust me that in the long run this will change him. Even if you don’t really mean it, he will wonder. And he will have a harder time insulting you if you are showing him how you admire him. You could make it a practice, in fact. Write about it in your journal. What do you actually like about him? Write it down. Then take it and say it to him, and embellish it a bit. Your goal is to use your words to turn him into the brother you wish him to be. If you say it enough times, he may start to try to live up to it.

But that doesn’t matter whether he lives up to it or not. What matters is when you provide this positive view of him, you are changing how you see him, and how he is, and making him into a person you can love—a person who would never insult you. You help yourself translate his actual words into what you really want him to say, and also what you want to think of yourself.

It’s a mental form of martial arts. You need to do this to defend yourself. You take his energy and turn it back against him. It’s tricky, but it can work if you stick with it. It makes you stronger, no matter what.

Good luck!

@JLeslie Not yet. I’ll do it either tomorrow or Wednesday. Now is not the best of times because they will just push me off.

@wundayatta That was great, really. What should I do about my dad? He’s the one who influences my brother the most. I can’t accomplish anything if every time I walk out of the living room after talking, I know they’re just rolling their eyes at me. Dad does this with my mom, too. I respect my mom’s feelings and like to hear her open up about them. But when they’re yelling dad just looks at me and rolls his eyes like her opinions don’t matter and it makes me angry! He’s a roll model for my brother and this is how he acts?!

Let us know how it goes. My sister was much more emotional than me growing up. My dad says he thought when my sister cried she was just being a young girl, and he really had no clue when she was really upset or just crying, because girls tend to cry more. Now my dad has a lot of regret about hpw he did not understand the impact some things had on my sister. He wishes someone had helped him understand how serious it was for my sister.

I will tell. I don’t know why parents (especially men) think that teenagers are being hormonal when there really is something wrong. I hate that! I’ve been (self-diagnosed) manic-depressive for almost my whole life. My mom just denies it when I say something and blames it on hormones.

@BBawlight Being moody is not the same as being bipolar. Why do you think you are bipolar? What are your symptoms?

@BBawlight I have sent you a website that offers support to teens online. You can talk to people there anonymously. I do think you should follow the other advice given in this thread but the site is another site you can use to get some advice and support. There is even an app you can use on your phone (password protected) to journal your feelings.
I hope this helps a little.

@JLeslie Depressive Symptoms:
-Fatigue, decreased energy, being “slowed down”
-Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
-Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
-Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
-Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
-Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain
-Persistently sad, anxious, or “empty” moods
-Restlessness, irritability
-Thoughts of death or suicide, suicide attempts

Mania:
-Increased talking speed and/or volume
-Markedly increased energy
-Poor judgment
-Severe insomnia
-Disconnected and racing thoughts

I’m more depressive than manic, though.

@Bellatrix Thanks, I’ll definitely try it out I wonder if I can use it on my PSP

@BBawlight You know, I could make a suggestion about your Dad, but I believe you can figure it out yourself. So, as an exercise in creativity, what do you think you should think to yourself when you see your Dad rolling his eyes? How should you conceive of his impact on your brother? Just let me know what your thinking is on the the topic. I’ll throw in some ideas later, if necessary.

@wundayatta I think I should think about how that makes her feel. How that makes me feel as well. I should conceive his impact on my brother as one of a roll model because he’s an older male, just like I realize I lean to my mom’s side with lots of things lately (which I’m just coming to terms with). I don’t like how they just blow off our opinions like they don’t even matter. It’s like they’re saying, ”she’s at it again.”

Nobody has the right to pick on you and make you feel horrible! Least of all intentionally and least of all members of your ow family. You as much as everybody else have a right to be treated with dignity and respect by everybody you let into your life.

If your brother and parents are calling you “fat, ugly and bitch” this has a name and its called emotional abuse (Google it!). Part of the emotional abuse cycle is to make the victim feel guilty, confused and ashamed of her own impressions and reactions. That’s what’s happening in your case when your folks are asking you to “stop bitching” about their abusive behavior towards you.

But when faced with abuse of any kind, becoming angry, “bitching” and starting to set limits on what kind of behavior you will allow of others towards you, this is the most healthy thing you can do. If you ever get into therapy (and I hope you do as it will help you work through this), that’s what the therapist will most certainly tell you.

Also it’s normal to feel depressed in a situation like yours. What I would suggest you do though is to trust yourself, set firm boundaries, and find some outside help like good friends or counseling which will help you further. Also reading more on the topic of “emotional abuse” and “toxic parents” and how to deal with it will be of great help.

Good luck. And don’t give up!

@BBawlight I wish my grammar was as good as yours when I was 13. I bet your brother is probably intimidated by your intelligence.

@bucko I get the feeling she is smarter than her entire family. Which can be a difficult and frustrating situation.

Fight back! You obvously have a good command of language, and may be the smartest one in your family. When your brother bullies you, call attention to it. Ask him why he has to get his jollies by picking on his sister. Tell him how pathetic he is for what he is doing and what an incredible loser he is. Tell him how lame his stupid jokes are. Do not, however, say anything cruel about him that is unrelated to his bullying. You can combine this with what @wundayatta said by telling him that deep down you think there is a nice person inside if only he would only be willing to show it. If it comes down to a war of words, I put my money on you.

Sometimes you have to leave your family behind if the relationships aren’t healthy, and if you’ve tried every way you can to communicate. At age 13 some kids do have problems at home and need a break, but usually mom’s are our best friends so your mom’s responses seem a little off to me.

Aunts and uncles and grandparents can sometimes let the lid off of the pressure cooker by taking over for a few months. Maybe it would be a good wake-up call for your immediate family, and allow you a little time to breathe. I also stayed with my besty for awhile when my mom was a little out of control on her drinking, and it helped a lot.

I guess I think about these things strategically. If my father rolled his eyes and mistreated my mother with his disdain, and I had tried to confront him about it on a number of occasions, I would eventually learn there’s not much I can do. He will do this. So what I need to do is control my own anger, because it is my reaction that is upsetting me.

I might tell myself that he does not respect my mom, and getting angry doesn’t change anything. It just hurts me. So I would try to let this feeling go.I would not dwell on it. I wouldn’t let the feeling ripen and make me more and more angry. I would set it aside.

As to a response, I might find something good about my mom to talk about. But you have to realize that it isn’t going to change things if they are having marital troubles. If they are, it has nothing to do with you and is not anything you can fix.

We tend to take on responsibility for things that aren’t our responsibilities when young. You are not the cause of success or failure of your parents’ marriage. You are not the cause of your father’s attitude, nor of your brother’s attitude towards you. So if you can’t change them (and you can’t) the only person you can change is yourself. And the only thing you can change is your reaction to the words they say.

If you can teach yourself to stop holding onto anger at the words they say, then you can let those feelings go, and you won’t eat yourself up as much as you were before.

This is not easy to do, but if you know it is possible, you can try to do it, and that’s better than feeling hopeless.

@wundayatta I think you are right that at some point when dealing woth people who are impossible onenjust needs to kind of give up and decide they are idiots, and not let it affect ourselves. I mean they are too ignorant to understand why what they do can be damaging, so we need to just pull ourselves up and not give a damn what the idiots around us say. However, your answer also seems very typically male to me in that you speak of anger, but the OP talks about crying uncontrollably. Men tend to get angry, women tend to turn it inwards and get depressed, low self esteem, and question their self worth and unfortuneately dwell on their outer beauty. I am sure men do this to some extent, and I know you know very well what depression and hopelessness feels like, but still, I do think typically the different genders tend to respond differently.

I think probably taking anger and turning it into a motivator is easier than taking self doubt and finding postive motivation for oneself. When my husband had his family doubting he would last in college in America, it made him want to prove them wrong. But, when people call you ugly all the time, how do you overcome that? Hang out with boys who call you beautiful and sexy? Uh oh. Try to become a model? I think it is really hard on young women to know they are pretty and thin and worth a damn when people around them are so awful.

@JLeslie Anger or depression, it really doesn’t matter. They are feelings that don’t help you in the situation, so if you can find a way to let them go, you are better off.

You don’t need to counter them to let them go. Indeed, I found trying to counter feelings inevitably backfired against me and made them worse. The only thing that worked for me was learning to let the feeling go. Not being attached to them. Feeling them, but not dwelling on them. It’s hard to explain. Meditation and mindfulness classes can help if you have access to such things. Otherwise read books about it. Or, keep working on it until you figure it out yourself.

@wundayatta I have no real argument with what you are saying, but don’t you think anger can sometimes give us energy, while depression is energy zapping? Anger can put our energies into the wrong thing, that can be a problem.

I agree letting go of either emotion is best.

Start believing yourself, you are loosing faith in you. The person sometime feel shy and awkward about his looks and his body but this is the one God has given you. Nobody is perfect in this world, not your rivals. So just be happy and don’t take things to heart.

@JLeslie Sure, anger can be helpful at times. But it doesn’t help when you can’t use it to make change. In that situation, it eats you up inside. If you can use it to lash back and make change, then it can be good that way.

The test for emotions is whether they are useful to you. If they are useful, then hold onto them. But if they don’t help you at all, it’s best to let them go, if you can. Sometimes, anger just lashes out without you being in control. That happens when you’ve held it in without doing anything with it. That can help you break out of a bad spot. Sometimes it doesn’t do anything.

Anger is a tricky emotion to work with. You can’t really control it. It has a lot of power, but it is not well organized or focused. So it often destroys as much as it helps.

@wundayatta I don’t ever really get angry. I tend to act… irrationally while I’m angry, so I try to avoid it at any cost so I don’t end up getting depressed because I did something completely stupid. Nowadays, I can get extremely frustrated with something, but that’s as close to anger as I get. I even flare up from time to time (I get a few steps over extremely frustrated and just shut up entirely. It’s like a raging fire on the inside), but that usually subsides about ten seconds later.

@JLeslie I told my parents about my brother and they said they would talk to him about it. I haven’t done anything else because it’s not really something that’s been going on the past few days, but it’s bound to eventually. That is the time when I will deal with it.
My parents are happy together and are having no marital issues, so that’s not a problem at all.

@BBawlight It sounds like they took you seriously. Hopefully they follow through and speak to him. During the conversation did anyone, you or your mom, point out your dad encourages your brother? I’m not saying you should, because right now you seem to have a buy in from your dad to address it with your brother, but just curious. Do you feel better npw that you spoke with them?

@JLeslie I forgot that part… I have such a terrible memory! But it’s not as bad as it was… My brother’s just being a little annoying, nothing to get too upset about. I feel a little better about it, it still doesn’t solve some of my problems, but I’m getting there! :D