Can you please finish my joke?

Answer : When you walk into a bar for the first time and the bartender calls you by your first name.

What did Captain America said to the Hulk when he caught him giving Ironman a massage-?

“Stay calm Bruce, or that will be anything but a happy ending.”

“Panda walks into a bar and, much to the bartender’s surprise, orders a sandwich. Then he…”

“died.”

“A monkey, tiger, and a lawyer walk into a bar….”

^idk where I’m goin with that one lol

@cookieman Just so everyone knows the real Panda joke, I’ll finish it for you.

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”

The panda yells back at the bartender, “Hey, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!” The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

“A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

@cutiepi92 Fraid I don’t know were you’re going with that one either. So let’s try this one:

“Three mathematicians walk into a bar.”

@ETpro “But can’t figure out the tip.”

“Why is it, in times of complete stress…”

. . . people are nicest to each other? Because they see the value of relativity.

What did the lonely fox say to the pregnant goose?

@ETpro: Nice catch sir.

What did the lonely fox say to the pregnant goose?

I’m not a taxonomic bigot, but I don’t date outside of my species.

BTW, when is your egg due?

I just came from a party hosted by Tommy Chong, Snoop Dog, Willie Nelson, and Woody Harrelson, so I got a major case of the munchies. Yuuuummm, gooseburger with a scrambled egg. :-p

Do you need a telescope to see Uranus?

Yes, one that is bendable.

One morning, a bird flies away, leaving its nest early to catch a worm. But right after it catches one with its beak, it got the surprise of its life when the worm blurted out…

A monkey, tiger, and a lawyer walk into a bar…

The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve sharks here.”

One morning, a bird flies away, leaving its nest early to catch a worm. But right after it catches one with its beak, it got the surprise of its life when the worm blurted out…

“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?”

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

@ETpro well it’s not fun if you use the ending that everyone knows and completely dismiss what the next person says. That’s incredibly boring and lacks any type of creativity or original thought

@SavoirFaire thank you :)

@cutiepi92 Oh, I get it now. Sorry to be a spoil sport. I thought the challenge was to see if you knew the actual punchline, and when it came to ”A monkey, tiger, and a lawyer walk into a bar…” I definitely didn’t.

How about some more jokes now? Don’t leave me hanging!

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? A case of Dostoevwhiskey.

Ten years into the future, former President Barack Obama will purchase the very first gun he will ever own in his life. According to the time traveling guy that just got back from the future, the reason he bought a gun was….?

The Secret Service refused to threaten Malia’s new boyfriend for him.

What do you get when you cross a Dalmatian with a donkey?

A spotted ass.
Why did the zebra cross the road?

Because he was no chicken.

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because that’s where the seabuoys are.
What’s the difference between an alligator and an Australian?

One has a brain the size of a lima bean, the other is a reptile.

Why was the pirate wearing a paper towel for a hat?

Because the pirate’s wife loves to use Bounty.

The Pope surprises a crowd of 10,000 by suddenly moonwalking ala Michael Jackson. Later, he said…

“And you thought covering up child molestation was the only thing Michael and I had in common!” Sorry, a “when the spirit moves you joke” would have been too easy.

How many PETA members does it take to change a lightbulb?