I don't know how to go about dealing with this - any help?

If your GF has BPD, then whether or not she is on meds, she shouldn’t be drinking at all. Her drinking is out of control (and was, is, and always will be beyond your control.)

When she is not drinking and is capable of being in a conversation, you need to give her an ultimatum. Let her know her drinking and not caring about your things is not at all acceptable behavior, and must stop. And you will have to tell her it’s over if she gets drunk again.

This will be hard for you, and you must realize you must follow through with it. But you have a choice, you can either give her an ultimatum and then follow through with the consequences if she doesn’t stop, or you can not be firm and keep dealing with her breaking your precious things.

I really hate to state the obvious here, but by focusing only upon the BPD, her excessive alcohol consumption is remaining unaddressed.

I do realize that many people with a variety of psychiatric problems self medicate with booze. But it NEVER helps the situation and frequently makes everything far far worse both for them and those around them.

She needs comprehensive professional treatment (inpatient most likely) to address the total picture and get her as stabilized as possible.

And it’s quite clear that she cannot handle alcohol and needs to eliminate it from her life altogether.

The guitar is the tangible symbol of how badly things have deteriorated. And it’s but one of many such incidents to come if she persists in drinking.

I realize this is not what you were hoping to hear but it’s the truth as I see it. If you two were seeing a therapist together, I think the advice would be similar.

There is no magic cure-all for BPD, but like many other diseases, (lke diabetes) there is sensible management.

And alcohol is not part of the sensible management of any disease, let alone one so intricately comprised of a brain disorder.

Good luck finding a professional resource for comprehensive treatment and good luck trying to convince her of the necessity for it.

You are in way over your head. Time to consult with professionals.

Right off the bat, all I could think of is since you seem to need and care for this person, you shouldn’t blow up and exercise calm and patience in understanding and helping her sort out her problems. But please, maybe it would be a good idea to ban her in your house for at least 6 months.

@zenvelo

I was still typing when you posted but I see we pretty much see it the same way. It’s an unfortunate and sad situation.

You cannot help those who won’t help themselves. I dealt with BPD with my mother-in-law, and there is nothing you can do unless your girlfriend is willing to get professional help.

If she will, there is hope. It won’t be easy, but you might be able to have a fairly healthy relationship. In fact, staying by her may aid in her treatment and improve your relationship.

If not, you have to ask yourself is whether you are willing to put up with this for the rest of your life, or will you overlook the moments of past happiness for the sake of a safer, happier future and leave.

Things are not going to get better with her until she curbs her drinking. Alcohol has the potential to ruin many and all aspects of your life. She already sounds out of control, but unless she is actually an alcoholic, I wouldn’t think it would be that hard to try and knock some sense into her? You obviously have been together a while….sit her down and tell her you can’t keep watching her get this wasted, it upsets you, not to mention she is destroying things.

I do not have experience with borderline personality disorder, but I do understand mental illness since I have bipolar disorder.

I am going to be blunt.

Your girlfriend is an alcoholic.

I’m an alcoholic, too, and I have 13 years of sobriety.

Only alcoholics drink until they black out. Only alcoholics get falling-down drunk on a regular basis. I highly suggest you mention that she may want to attend a few AA meetings to see what they are all about. The meetings are free, and she doesn’t have to go, if she doesn’t want to. There are other ways to get sober, too. AA does not have a monopoly on recovery.

Is she on medicine for the BPD? If so, you can be sure that if you check her medicine bottles they all say “Do not drink alcohol when taking this medication.” That doesn’t mean she shouldn’t literally down the pills with a cocktail or beer. It means that she must not drink any alcohol at all.

Alcoholism has been called a family disease. It’s said that it affects the whole family in ways that no other disease does. If you want to, there is an organization for the family of alcoholics called Al-Anon. They may have meetings near you, and it might be worth your time to investigate what they have to say about living and loving an alcoholic.

I am very sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I wish I could tell you there was an easy way to deal with your situation. I have seen it all too often, and in the vast number of cases, tough love is the only thing that works.

Best of luck to you. Truly.

You have some great answers here. AA worked for me @lightsourcetrickster .

There has to be consequences for her actions, tell her you wont put up with it anymore, she needs help.

Shippy! (and goddammit how many times do you have to change your avatar?)

Already got on that one – so we’re sorted out on that one. Thanks for the suggestion though.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, @lightsourcetrickster. My mother has BPD, so I’m familiar. Unfortunately, no amount of boundary setting and ultimatum giving worked with my mom. She’d agree to my limits, and promptly go right on doing as she pleased – regardless of who it hurt. We no longer have a relationship because of it.

Since you two are younger (I think?) than my mother and I were when we were dealing with this situation (she was diagnosed late in life), I’m hopeful that therapy and medication will have a better chance of working for your GF, and that the two of you will be able to be together.

That said, there is only so much time you should give this. If you don’t see the situation improving steadily, please get out sooner rather than later. Don’t let her take you down with her, okay?

This is your chance to put away any other such valuables away from her reach?

Did she break the guitar because she knew it was precious to you. or was it an accident because she was falling down drunk?
If it was the former you have been given a clear sign about what life will be like if you continue with her.
You’ve given the relationship a fair shot. Protect yourself now and start moving on. Document everything. Take pictures. Keep a journal with verifiable dates and times. Everything.
After she broke the most valuable, precious thing you own, what will she break next? Your heart? You?
We are all responsible for own sanity and safety. Protect yours.
I’m sorry for your loss.

If I had a girlfriend who got drunk and broke one of my guitars, I would dump her.

Only time will tell how long it will take until you get tired of tolerating her behavior and dump her. You stated you’re not going dump her over a guitar, and this is not the first time she’s broken your favorite things due to her drinking. In my opinion, you have been very forgiving so far, but there will be some point in the future when you decide you can no longer put up with her drunken stumbling around, her breaking things, her inability to have a rational discussion about it, and you losing things that are precious to you. You say she says it wasn’t her fault, so obviously she’s not even willing to take responsibility.

You can discuss her drinking with her therapist or psychiatrist.

You can try to get her to go to some AA meetings, but if she does not think she has a problem, therein lies yours.

You can hide your stuff, but you can’t hide everything and if she’s looking to break stuff on purpose, she’ll find it. Do you want to live with all of your favorite stuff packed away in boxes?

I don’t have an answer for you but I can tell you that you are more tolerant than most people would be. If I could guess, I would say you will end up deciding that this type of behavior is not something you’re willing to put up with and eventually, you’ll break up with her.

You can gather all the psychological evidence you want for your girlfriends ill wills. But in my neck of the woods, we call people like her a crazy-ass-disrespectful-insane-in-the-membrane type of person.

Go get your guitar fixed at a guitar shop. There are two people involved with how you’re feeling about these “situations.” You + her. Simple math will help solve this predicament. Take yourself out of the equation and start a brand new life!

Alcohol is not your friend. Tell her that either she stops drinking, or bitch gotta go.

You can’t expect healthy behavior from unhealthy people. End of story.
I think you are setting yourself up for a lot of misery with this girl and if YOU have one shred of healthy self esteem in your body she will destroy that too.
I’d urge you to find another girlfriend that is not an emotionally unstable alcoholic.

Serious double edged sword and far and beyond anything you can do to “fix” her.
She needs longterm, ongoing therapy, and even then, it is doubtful she will ever be completely mentally healthy.
They say BPD often “burns out” in middle age…well, maybe, maybe not.
Do you want to ride this roller coaster for 20–30 years?

I hope not, there is no glory in being a martyr, martyrs always get burned at the stake.
I say jump ship now before this woman feeds you to the sharks.

I am sorry to hear about this situation, @lightsourcetrickster. I agree with much of the above advice. You have already been very forbearing, but it also sounds like what you have also been doing is enabling her. You can’t be her therapist, and it will only harm you to stay in the relationship under the illusion that you alone can help her. Especially since she has BPD (I had a girlfriend with the same condition), she might view your bringing up her alcoholism as an attack, and “black” you. I have had this happen to me and it is not pretty. It’s like talking to a brick wall after that point. A brick wall who gaslights you, changing history and putting you in the wrong at every point.

If she’s not able to take responsibility for both her BPD and her alcoholism, you should leave.

You have amazing compassion for this friend. Most of us would have ditched her after the guitar incident, but you recognize that she’s ill and in need of your love and support.

Has she even taken responsibility for destroying something that was so precious to you? Has she apologized? That would be a good start.

As you’re more than aware, you can’t fix your friend or change her behavior; only she can do those things. What you can change, however, is the parameters of your relationship and her access to you and your property.

I recommend NOT letting her into your home. She has a history of breaking your possessions, and seemingly without regrets or remorse. Meet her for coffee; go to the movies; have a meal in a restaurant; just don’t let her visit your house or get near your property.

When she asks you why you no longer invite her, explain that her behavior makes that impossible, and that she won’t be welcomed until she takes control of her life. It’s tough love, but it’s necessary.

You have mentioned this relationship in other questions, including the fact that you are 35 and that your mother was out-of-line for wanting to meet this woman.

It sounds like a real mess; the guitar just got in the way. It could have been something else.

I hope she is in treatment for the BPD. If not, the first thing to do is to get her into treatment. That may be difficult if she does not have health insurance. If not, you should ask for help on that issue because you will need ideas about how to afford psychiatric treatment.

In addition, couples counseling might help. That will provide a forum where you can work on issues together, and a way to discuss her drinking, so you can try to help her stop.

I’m afraid that if you don’t get professional help for both of you, things will just get worse and worse until you do end up leaving her. At some point, you will get sick and tired of all her acting out, which will continue to happen if she drinks and does not treat her BPD.

I have theorized for a long time that a majority of those who abuse alcohol or drugs are self-medicating for underlying mental health issues – including my ex-husband, whose family is riddled with dysfunctional behaviors, substance abusers, suicides and overdoses.

You can not help someone who doesn’t want help – with mental health conditions and/or substance dependency. My advice to you is to learn coping strategies to protect your well-being and to break bad habits that enable her to continue her unhealthy behaviors. Al-Anon would be a good starting point. Counseling for each of you as individuals and as a couple could also be helpful.

I also share @hearkat‘s theory. I think that people who are using alcohol or drugs are doing so to self-medicate. In my experience, mental illness is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. I can see doing anything to make that pain tolerable.

I believed that if you dealt with the mental illness, it would become much easier to deal with the addiction. Other people say it’s the other way around. Whatever works.

Your job is to behave honestly. If you don’t like something, you inform her. You ask her to be accountable. In this case, it would be reasonable to ask her for a new guitar.

You don’t ask her to stop drinking. You ask her to stop doing the things that hurt you. Breaking the guitar hurts you. Her drinking may cause her to break the guitar, but it doesn’t hurt you directly. It’s up to her to decide whether the drink or BPD is a problem. Your job is to be honest about her specific behaviors and which ones hurt you and you want her to stop. The rest is up to her.

I think that before you think about helping your GF deal with her disease, you need to get some therapy for yourself first. You need to build some self confidence and ask yourself if this is really the kind of life that you deserve and want for yourself. Can’t you do better? You seem to be in denial and unable to see that the real problem is not the guitar or any other valuables that she breaks. You are making it all about the guitar. The guitar was incidental. What you need to understand is that she is an alcoholic with suicidal thoughts and that you have to deal with these problems because you are letting her be a part of your life.
You say you don’t know how to deal with the stuff she does without being confrontational. You react this way because you are truly upset about the guitar and you think that she somehow is in control of her actions and that by confronting her she will realize how wrong she was and that she needs to change. But the fact is that when she breaks your stuff she is drunk and has very little control on what she does.
I’m not ditching her for the sake of a guitar – but clearly, something needs to be done to address the issue without having to part ways. Again, it isn’t about the guitar, it’s about alcoholism and mental illness. It is obvious that you don’t want to leave her. But since you are not ready for that, you need to be prepared to do a lot of hard work; your life will be directed by all this now and for as long as you stay with her.

She doesn’t sound alocholic judging by your tone…she just sounds like she loses control when she drinks…which is how most people with BPD behave under the influence of alchohol…and I am impressed by your patience, tact and the empathy you have towards her knowing her disorder. Obviously you love her good side, which is why you are trying to find the right words to express your frustration…and mos of the time you will feel responsible for her…but she is upsetting you and you also have the right to bring out ‘your darkside’ relationships are
meant to be a two way street. She will always have BPD which comes with manic depression…and it will get tiring if she chooses not to help herself…by not wanting to help herself she is being selfish and bringing you down. See what is best for you my friend. Hope this helps!

@Yeahright I’m not sure where you get off telling me that I’m concerned about helping my girlfriend with her “disease”. She has therapists she can go to. This situation has been primarily about the guitar, which I thought we had resolved, until she somehow managed to see all the answers on this page last night.
What ensued was an evening of general discomfort and upset. So fuck it. I’m done.

Done with her or done with Fluther?

I don’t find it that surprising she would be upset. If someone is in deep denial, the unvarnished truth doesn’t sit too well.

But perhaps in one of her more lucid and sober moments, it may give her food for thought.

All you did was express your honest distress regarding HER actions. You didn’t identify her in any way.

Are you not entitled to express your honest distress about something that was of particular emotional value to you? And you were describing HER actions and HER choices which led to this particular circumstance.

She has a therapist to whom she can vent. Why does she blame you for doing likewise, albeit anonymously? Does she just expect you to keep taking this with no murmur of protest?

@Buttonstc I think he left Fluther

You’re right. What a shame. He was a valuable member of the site.

But the truth hurts sometimes and if people aren’t ready to hear it, there’s not much else to be done. At least we all tried. I wish him the best. He’s chosen a rocky road.

@Buttonstc Right.

Hopefully he will come back when he is feeling less upset.

What a shame? I really liked @lightsourcetrickster .

There were some great answers here, hopefully he comes back.

waves Hello. I am the girlfriend he has been talking about. How are you all? Erm…

I find it REALLY distressing that he left Fluther because I got upset over this post. I occasionally come on here to find out what people are saying about BPD as I can go to my GP and he very rarely will be able to point me in the right direction of any help apart from medication.

I do hope that he comes back to Fluther as he did seem to enjoy spending his time here. We have talked about my recent drinking binges and the fact that I do often drink so much when I am at his house that I will fall over and break things and trust me, I feel guilty. I even tried (in a really crap way) dumping him because I didn’t want him to have to put up with the difficulty of having a partner with BPD when help is not readily available for people who are not “sick enough” for help.

@MadeiraBoo: Check out NAMI.org – if you’re in the US, they can help you find services at no cost or sliding-scale fees. You could also go to AA for help dealing with the drinking. There must be other support groups online, if not locally, for people with BPD. Good luck.

@hearkat Hi there. Thanks for your advice. Unfortunately, I am not in the US, I’m in the UK so I rely heavily on the NHS, which often consists of lengthy waiting times and being put on lists. I have been to a support service in my local area for my binge drinking, however nothing was written down, so I do not remember any of the hints and support/suggestions that were given to me at my appointment. Hmm, it might be time to return to that service if the boyfriend finds my drinking problematic.

I have found a wonderful support system on Twitter, although I find it frustrating that I am limited to 140 characters. There are a lot of people on Twitter who have Borderline Personality Disorder and every Sunday host a #BPDChat that I sort of find useful. I dunno. I am surprised I haven’t been dumped yet, to be honest as I did say to @lightsourcetrickster that if he wouldn’t let me drink in the house, I’d never visit him again, which yes may sound harsh to those on here, however he backed down and continues to let me drink.

In my opinion, yes he SHOULD put SOME boundaries down otherwise I’m just going to run amok in his flat and continue to break his things under the influence of alcohol.

@MadeiraBoo Do you want to continue to “run amok?”

So it seems the logical conclusion then, from your own words, that you place a higher priority upon alcohol then being with the one you love,

I don’t know another way to interpret your telling him that if you couldn’t drink while at his place then you’d never go-to his place again.

God forbid you should be deprived of booze for a few hours ~

And just in case none of your Drs. decided to mention this, alcohol does absolutely nothing to help BPD and mostly makes everything worse.

The basic truth of the matter is that you shouldn’t be drinking at all since it should be abundantly clear to you that you really can’t handle it

AA has no waiting lines and totally free and there are local meetings all over the wworld. I really hope for your sake that you’ll take the advice of Jake and a lot of us and give it a try beforebyoure so ready to give up a relationship with someone who so obviously cares for you deeply.

It’s clearly not the bpd which he has difficulty coping with it’s the drinking and that is something you can do something about.

@wundayatta No, I don’t want to continue behaving like this, but impulses are difficult to control.

@Buttonstc I don’t place alcohol above my boyfriend. I really don’t. I like a drink, only I can’t stop at one. They’re like Pringles. Once I pop, I just can’t stop. I don’t know why I said what I said, but I think I was being honest with him at the time. Shortly before this relationship, I was in a relationship with an alcoholic for three years and let’s just say, his behaviour kind of rubbed off on me. I am not saying I am an alcoholic but when I get the urge to drink, I usually do. My local service said I am a binge drinker and this definitely does not help with the BPD. I am not making excuses, I genuinely do reach out for help when I need it.

I know that I cannot handle my alcohol intake and it feels like you lot were judging me before hearing from me and after all the horrid things I read in this post and in previous posts by the boyfriend, I can now remember why I got so upset. I don’t feel understood. @lightsourcetrickster was trying to understand the only way he knew how, by reaching out to his peers, those he trusted.

I have heard about AA. I haven’t tried it yet. Oh, I forgot to mention (and I don’t know how relevant it is) but after I split up from my ex, I moved back home with my mother. She is a Muslim and does not allow alcohol in the house. Those there are boundaries. I know there will be consequences if I get drunk in the house. When I visit the boyfriend, I am allowed to drink there, so I do and often to excess.

My brain is very muddled. I do hope this reply makes some sort of sense…

@MadeiraBoo I sincerely thank you for addressing all of us. I hope you and @lightsourcetrickster can work things out, that you can get some control over the binge drinking, and that he returns to us. We wish both of you the best.

@augustlan I only thought it fair that I at least tried to address you all. I do hope he returns soon as he seemed to enjoy it here. And thank you for your well wishes.

The drinking may feel good, but it is really hurting you badly. Similarly, I’m sure the BPD hurts pretty bad. I’m not sure why you have trouble getting care. I thought the medical system in the UK was supposed to be available to everyone. I think you really would benefit from finding the right meds and consistent therapy and treatment for the drinking. Could you be afraid to get better?

@burntbonez The medical system is available to everyone but the past couple of times I’ve needed therapy from the NHS, I’ve had to wait three years to see someone, only to find they let me go because they don’t know how to treat BPD. Consistent therapy is a problem unless you’re seriously mentally ill and I guess I’m not ill enough.

I’m not afraid to get better. I would love to not have this rollercoaster of a ride that is BPD but I keep sabotaging my own future for God knows what reason. Probably because I’m a creature of habit. Probably because I enjoy self-destructive behaviour. It could be a mixture of the two.

@MadeiraBoo Three years?? And I thought 3 weeks was a bad wait to see my doc.

@FutureMemory Yep. Three years, on average. It’s daft but I can’t afford to pay for therapy.

@MadeiraBoo Hi, it’s nice to meet you. I hope you stick around. I am Bipolar with BPD as well. One of the symptoms of my said issues was alcohol abuse.I am just going to be straight forward here. I don’t know you, but what I am trying to do, is reach out to you.

When I was drinking, it was really important to me. I always felt as though I was anxious, frustrated, irritated and not settled. Until I drank. That is why booze was important. It helped me function. (Or so I said to myself). Really it calmed me down and made me for a moment feel OK with the world. So yeah, then, I would readily swap anyone for booze. No debate :)

The problem was the OK feeling got shorter, and the drama period and destructive behavior got longer. So it was like chasing the dragon. The dragon turned around and bit me in the ass. I had issues, but I had to remove booze. How hard is that? Dam hard. It was my crutch. How was I going to feel OK again?

I joined AA it’s free. I kept on going and more than that, I used their program to manage my very odd personality. I admit it. I am not normal. I get aggressive and push people away, more so when I was drinking. Now, I don’t miss booze one single bit.

What helps a person who is feeling so frustrated, and so filled with anxiety? Acceptance, someone who understands (not your boy friend he can’t be a therapist) but others in the same boat. Plus medication. I live in a country that will give you zero help unless you have money. I don’t have any at the moment but I certainly made a plan to see a Psychiatrist. You really can if you want to. This way the frustration etc., will go away. You won’t need booze as your medicine.

You both seem like precious people I wish I could do more to help. Please understand the people here were offering help and their own life experience to try and assist. It is not a psychology room, nor a psychiatrists office. But there are people here suffering with similar disorders or have family members with the same. And are sharing their life experience. Stick around, you will get support here. But make your first priority (even if you sell something) to get onto medication.

@Shippy Thank you for your reply. You seem to be a lovely person. I didn’t mean to come across as if I was dismissing what people were saying, we all come from different walks of life.

I am on medication. Thankfully, it is free. I do not need to sell anything to get the medication I’m on.

Wow I feel stupid when trying to convey my situation and my feelings when you all sound far more intelligent than I feel.

Thank you for reaching out to me..

Also, I am really glad that you have managed to get the help that you need in relation to your alcohol abuse. It can’t have been easy.

@MadeiraBoo Oh no not at all, I think it was @lightsourcetrickster ‘s frustration I was referring to. I can understand his frustration. Mental illness or any illness is hard for a family or a couple dealing with it alone. I am so glad you got meds. Here it is so expensive and so difficult. I could write reams of what I have gone through. But you know what? I wouldn’t change a thing. I feel it made me wiser and also if I can help one person. I’d do it all again!

Booze is great! But not for me. The mix is dynamite. I gave it up one day at a time. No promises. No expectation, I just did it day by day. Those days turned into weeks, then years, and now 23 years :). Any thing can be done day by day or even hour by hour. You two will get stronger over this you will see. I wish you the best. And anytime you need to, post we will always try our best :)