Is this not one of the rudest things you've heard about?

Sheesh. That is rude. Just refuse to go if you don’t want to go.

I’m so glad I dumped that moron.

Query: Would you have ended the relationship anyway, had he been up-front about being disinterested in your church?

Hell, yes. He was a total nightmare the last three years. He remains an idiot from what I’ve been hearing. Wish I had left a couple years sooner. Some men go bad in time. I really didn’t know that at twenty.

Some people think when you ask them to go that you just want an escort or company, which doesn’t require them to actually listen…lol

Not listening is their choice. Whipping out a book is making a statement and not caring how the other person will feel. And he is so stuck on himself he didn’t even give a thought to how it would look to the other people next to us!

Rude and disrespectful to the nth degree!

I don’t believe in any of it but when I find myself in a church I at least look at the hymnal l and pretend to follow along as a sign of respect to the other attendees.
That was extremely rude. But hey, you begged, so he complied. Good thing he’s an Ex.

@Aster I meant regardless of everything else. Would a non-interest in your religion of choice have been a relationship-killer anyway?

Meh, rather rude. How many times did he say “no” before he agreed to go? Maybe you should have accepted that he didn’t want to go.

@syz Good point, you can’t force people.

That is not only rude and despicable, it is passive aggression and a truly mean thing to do to you.

@Seek_Kolinahr no; a non interest in any religion would not have been a deal breaker.

When his girlfriend left her dog at the vet’s and they had an argument he told her he’d burn down the vet’s office.

@gondwanalon he is both very aggressive and passive aggressive, yes. But none of this showed before we got married.

@syz I don’t remember that exchange.

You do realize you can write several sentences in one post, right?

Like this, see.

And I think he was nice enough to have gone to Church with you despite not wanting to – dealing with the boredom by quietly reading a book. At least it wasn’t an iPad. Did he have the novel hidden behind the cover of a Bible?

It would be interesting to hear his side of the story.

Well, you asked,

Yes; he was real nice @zensky. Sure.
No; he did not bring a Bible. I know what his story would be: “I don’t like to go to church.” No mention of what a rude, heartless brat he was and is.
Thanks for your side of it, @zensky and have a nice day. See ya.

Seems like a good way of spending some time that would otherwise be wasted. I might well be reading a book there if I was pressured into going to church too.

I think it’s ruder to beg someone to do something they clearly don’t want to do.

Not saying you did this, but if someone nagged or harranged me to go to a sermon that I had no interest in, I’d probably do something similar. At least he didn’t put ear buds in and listen to an ipod.

Even when I wanted to go to church, I spent half the time doodling in my notebook.

In fairness to myself, I was usually illustrating the sermon.

I agree with @syz. What did you do to persuade him to go? You begged? It’s too bad he didn’t put his foot down and not go, but I think you would have been just as upset if he had done that. Sounds like you didn’t know him very well, which may not be true, but if you did, you might not have “begged.”

It would have just taken the tiniest bit of effort on the ex-husbands part to sit there and pay attention. But no, he had to be a total SOB and make the church experience miserable. He was also a fool, as he missed a golden opportunity to strengthen his relationship with his wife.

In a marriage both partners need to bend somewhat and do things that they don’t particularly like in order to please the spouse. I don’t really like doing some of the things that my wife loves to do. It pleases her greatly when I participate in her activities. When I go I may not have a good time but I’m sure to act like I do because it makes my wife happy. When she’s happy, I’m happy.

I don’t think it’s rude. If you were embarrassed that’s your issue. Why did you need company at church anyway? Aren’t you there to listen, not fraternize?

I agree with @tinyfaery. Instead of being grateful that he was there, you were embarrassed. You were not thinking about God or religion, you were thinking about social standing and status. But then, I think that’s what church is about, anyway. It’s about looking good and being there and acting like upstanding members of the community. That’s probably why it was so important for you to have him there.

But you broke up with him, and found someone who (presumably) would go to church with you. Someone who shares your values.

I think that the fact you still worry on this bone so many years later shows a lot about your values. It’s not worth thinking about any more, I don’t think. He has his own life and his own values. He probably thought he was doing you a solid and it blew up in his face. You’ve moved on and should be happy in your current relationship.

As Wallace Stevens wrote, “Things as they are
Are changed upon the blue guitar.”

The whole thing started with the wrong foot. He didn’t really want to go to begin with. Why didn’t he want to go? It was obviously not his thing for reasons that we don’t know. But one thing I’ve noticed in people who are not religious is that they don’t quite understand the solemnity of religious rites. They don’t know the code of conduct expected from them thus they don’t see the intensity of their misbehavior. And in the event that he did know what was expected of him and he chose not to comply with it was probably his way of telling you that he could be physically present there but not in mind and soul.

Yes, it was rude. But why are you still so invested in it? It happened years ago. I bet he has forgotten all about it.

And, why didn’t you break up with him that day?

Well this is rude yeah, but I’m kinda guessing he never wanted to go. As already stated, he should just have put his foot down and just said no. I mean if you’re gonna humor someone, at least try

I agree with both arguements in this thread. Yes, it is rude and, if it had been me, I would have just put up with it as a one off, pretended to be listening whilst daydreaming instead. However, I also agree with those that said that you are partly to blame for “begging” him to go even when he had expressed a disinterest. Church is one of those things that you either feel a connection to or nothing at all and for the latter, feeling pressured to go and listen to someone talking about something you don’t believe in can’t be a very pleasant experience. I believe in God but my boyfriend doesn’t. I know how he feels about the Bible and church and so I wouldn’t dream of“begging” him to come to church with me. He would be polite and pretend to be interested but it would be unfair of me to expect him to do so.

I can understand how some people might enjoy the challenge of presentling a logical defense for the actions of the man in question here. Whichever way the man was persuaded to go to church in my opinion dose not justify such childish behavior intended totally to ruin the church experience of his wife. That is just plain wrong no matter which angle this sad story is twisted.

I’m with your ex on this.

He didn’t want to go and you forced him. He had no interest in the proceedings. I would have done the same thing. Forcing religion on someone is a major no-no in my book.

(My father used to bring issues of Popular Science and Scientific American to read during the interminably long Yom Kippur services…)

@gondwanalon I was not trying to present a logical defense. I was just trying to go to the bottom of things and try to understand how the situation developed and ended up with such outcome. I do not justify his actions, I think it was very rude and thoughtless. But just saying “yeah he was rude” does not help the OP see his actions from another angle. Elaborating a little on the subject gives her more material to try to finally give closure to this problem that has obviously been in her mind for far too long.
I would not have read a book in other people’s religious ceremony it is disrespectful to their believes an that is inexcusable.

I wish I knew what I said to “make” him go with me because out of twenty years of being together he went with me about three times. Not that I went often, either. I actually went very infrequently. I know he holds ministers in disdain . We were eating out once and the minister from the church approached our table all friendly and smiling and my ex made it a point to neither stand up or shake his hand or barely glance at him as if he had leprosy. My ex vacillates between being an Agnostic or an Atheist. You never know from day to day. He’d be popular on here. Anything representing Christianity seems to make him nauseated.

He ”made it a point to neither stand up or shake his hand or barely glance at him”

So what? Since when does anyone stand up when someone approaches or leaves a table? What century are we living in?

The man isn’t a believer. You knew he wasn’t a believer. Yet you persisted in insisting he attend a church service. Now, I agree that reading a novel in a service is rude. However, I too hold ministers in disdain, and can certainly not agree that your ex is to be held in the wrong for choosing not to extend Victorian-era greetings to a man of the cloth, to whom he’s not even a parishoner.

@wundayatta true. I had forgotten that things as they are are changed upon the blue guitar. I saw it on a menu once at a steakhouse. Or was it a jazz club advertisement?

@Seek_Kolinahr maybe it’s just the location of where I’m living but , around here, if a doctor, a good friend, a priest or a relative comes up to your table the men stand up and shake hands. It’s just something I’ve grown accustomed to. Or at least we look at them and smile and say hello.
Maybe I’m in a weird corner of the world. Must be since the boys say, “yes, sir.” Even to their fathers!

A good friend or a relative, sure. A priest – who you don’t know from Adam… I see no reason one should go out of their way to offer them special respect. It’s not like they work for a living. They literally stand on a pulpit and repeat the same tired stories, and collect 10% of your wages, tax-free.

If anything, the priest should be offering you a handshake and to buy your meal.

hahaha We knew him. But I see your point in the last sentence. Beforehand ? Not so much.

But @Aster, how long before you divorced him did this occur? Because you are nursing it for all it’s worth. You should have either divorced him then, or gotten past it.

@zenvelo how long before the divorce? Hmmm….well, about ten years. I would never have considered divorcing anyone just for this one rude act. I’m sorry that I appear to be nursing it, though, for all its worth. Do you think I should quit replying now? That would be ok with me.