WHen I was depressed, I couldn’t even organize my desk. Papers piled up and up and in a haphazard way. I had never been like this. I had always been superorganized. Now the idea of trying to file things seemed like trying to build a space shuttle. It was just overwhelming.
Sometimes, if I could stomach the shame, I could ask people to help. All they had to do was be there, and read things to me. I could do the work if someone else would pick up the paper and write the file labels and put things away. But imagine how much shame I felt that I couldn’t do these things for myself. How worthless was I? I’ll tell you. There couldn’t be a more worthless person on the planet.
Boy, if you tried to be perky around me like that, I probably would have killed you. Heaps of praise—just wrong. I can’t hear that stuff. It makes me feel like even more of a liar than I normally am. I just couldn’t let you go on saying that stuff without correcting you.
If you must praise, then be very precise. Give me three different reasons why your praise is justified. But do it in a low key way. Not like you’re trying to persuade me, because I am un persuadable. Rather just slip it in.
My daughter and son are a bit like me (surprise surprise), although mys on is worse. I can’t praise him at all without a denial. I feel guilty about this—like I trained him to be this way wihtout knowing it, or I gave it to him with my genes. But it’s important for him to have a realistic sense of himself. I can’t over praise or exaggerate. But I do hold back on the praise, because I know it makes him want to deny, and I know, from personal experience, that when I deny, it gets worse for me. It’s like feeding a jones. I want people to praise me so I can deny it, and feel worse. So the best thing to do is not to praise me. Or if I have actually done something well, to praise a very specific thing, give three reasons, so I can not deny it. So I have a chance of believing it. You have to tell me a story that makes me believe what you are saying is something you truly believe.
It’s tricky. It’s worse with children, because they don’t have insight into what their brains are doing. They don’t know what it’s like to be normal. I was lucky in getting depression so late. I had some normalcy to compare it to. When it starts young, you never know what its like to be normal. She probably can’t remember happiness. She probably isn’t sure what happiness feels like.
And if she’s a teen, it’s worse. High school shit. It’s the worst. I hope my kids don’t have that and in fact, I’ve been trying to prepare them with tools to cope all along. But I can see it’s more powerful than anything I can give them. So all I know is talking about myself and sharing a bit about what I go through and how I cope. Even that there is only so much I can say because I do’t want them to freak out or think I’m being too self-involved.
So what I try to do is a balance between setting high expectations, and letting them know I will love them no matter how I do. This is excruciatingly difficult because I know they are very capable, but I want them to feel when I praise them it means something and to believe it. I want them to know I expect a lot. I want them to know it doesn’t matter if they meet my expectations. I love them and think they are wonderful. I just want to be with them.
My daughter is taking on a lot. This week she had mid terms all week. Saturday is the SAT. She’s taking a course at a University (in existentialism, no less), and she is in rehearsal for hours each day after school for the musical which will be performed in April. I want her to do all these things. I am proud of her. I think they are important for her preparation for life, and I think it is too much.
I want her to test herself and challenge herself. I want her to get all As. I want her to get 100s on her exams, But I am also not that impressed because she’s been doing well, and so there is more to ask of her. Also, I don’t believe that tests are good ways of tracking things. I’m more impressed by her reports of daily activities, but she doesn’t give those that much.
So maybe I’ll drive her crazy. Or maybe I’ll get the balance right. High expectations, but love, no matter what. My parents didn’t make me feel loved. I never feel loved. What kind of idiot am I to think I could make my children feel loved? Yet I want to do that. I think I can do that. And I have to do that.
Dunno if this helps. I know it must be hard to love someone you don’t know how to understand. But love them you will. My heart goes out to you. This disorder is so cockamamie and backwards and inside out. Whatever you think is right, try reversing and pulling inside out before your do it. If it still makes sense, go ahead.