What have you done with your toxic family member?

Kept them from seeing their grandchildren as often as they might have wanted. They may have been able to be mean to me because I was their son, but they did not get to be mean to my son. They were not allowed to be alone with him.

I mean, come on. Grandparents are for spoiling. You should enjoy your grandkids. Not feel like you have to discipline them. And for being smart? Give them a break. They’re kids, for Pete’s sake! They say shit sometimes. It’s not the fucking end of the world. Do not make him feel bad for existing. You had three kids of your own to do that with. Why not try something else?

I have a daughter that isn’t talking to either of her siblings and only talks to me because her kids love me.
She says that our family is dysfunctional and she wants to seperate herself from us.
Makes me sad. I wish I could give her a perfect family but we’re human.

I don’t talk to my youngest uncle anymore and we basically grew up together, more like brother and sister. It turned toxic a few years after he married an extremely negative woman with a mental disorder. I tried to talk to him a few times because we were so close and I didn’t want it to affect our family relationship or our frienship, but he is under her control and decided to distance himself from the family. Even at that point, they refused to participate in the family unless we followed rules of behavior, which we declined to accept. So we just don’t talk, and because I’m the one who decided to be really honest when he asked, I accepted the blame/responsibility for the break. It sucks, it’s hurtful, and we still message each other we love each other, but we may never see each other again in person. He is a very strict Christian, which is also difficult because we are not perfect.

I was basically estranged from my alcoholic mother for the last 16 years of her life. I was in touch but with major boundaries intact. She is now dead for the last 18 years. I have also let goof several toxic friends in the last several years.

One was very emotionally unstable and moody and the other was manipulative and passive aggressive. I made an attempt to express my feelings to them about their behavior and it feel on deaf and, of course, highly defensive ears. Time to go.
I have gotten very comfortable with letting people go that no longer serve me in any manner that is compatible to my growth and well being.

It took my dysfunctional family of origin and a toxic marriage to spur me into some serious personal growth and now, there is no going back to the old ways, not ever.
Integration complete.
Highly liberating! :-)

The problem is that my father was dead when I found out how toxic things had been. In his papers, were letters to a mistress we had no idea he had. I decided to keep that from my mother, and burned the letters. But there is nothing I can do about it now. Some days, it’s as if it never happened. There’s no more evidence of it now. But other times I remember, and I wonder what was going on between my parents (they are both gone now). Or not going on.

My mother was so bitter after he died, even without knowing what he was up to. She didn’t really want to live. “Why can’t I just die, now?” She would ask, over and over again. It was impossible to keep caregivers for her, and it was very difficult to want to care for her properly, but I felt such an obligation, like most people, I guess. It was a relief when she finally did pass away. Of course, I feel guilty about that, too, but four years in a nursing home is a terribly long time. And no siblings to help.

@burntbonez Hugs

I do what my father used to do: talk to them on the phone when they call, force myself to be civil, send money on rare occasions, be a listening ear then hang up. If they live near you – perish the thought – it’s more of a problem.

Took me twenty-six years and the death of my father, but the most toxic of all has been removed from my life. Ironically by her own choice (when given one).

Other toxic or semi-toxic folks are either avoided at all costs or kept at arm’s length both emotionally and physically.

I don’t speak to my mother, or my stepfather.

It’s been five and a half years. It’s pretty awesome not having to deal with them. It’s not like they’ve made any effort to contact me, anyway.

My father In Law was loud, obnoxious and complained about everything and everyone. We all just ignored him whenever we could. My sister in law took the brunt of it, and she would call my husband to vent off steam. My mother in law has seemed much happier since he passed away two years ago. She goes out a lot more and has a lot of new friends at the Independent living apartment where she lives.

I told him to go out and become an avenger.

I first made rules which he repeatedly broke.

But I made it perfectly clear he wasn’t welcome or wanted. I refused his bribes. Moved and changed jobs a lot.

Later he moved out of state. He still writes in care of my other family. I simply throw them away, don’t open or return to sender any more. I set my fb on private and several other accounts a few I had to block him.

I went to therapy and made an attempt to have a healthy relationship with him. When he made it clear the only relationship he wanted was on his terms. I told him I was done.
Yes he still writes and sends messages through other people. I am polite but not interested. Change subject quickly.

At the beginning I felt guilt because my sister had a relationship with him and technically esp after he moved I could control it.

But I knew I was doing this for myself, my immediate family was aware enough of situation not to put pressure. OK well my sister tried or felt pushed into being a go between. I told her I wasn’t the one responsible for it and to bring it up with the problem.

She accepted it. I don’t think she likes that I told her she was the one going to have to deal with his end of life care and death unless he finds someone younger that will put up with him.

She didn’t say anything when I it came up but she looked murderous.

Oh but I do function as the level head on a very volatile relationship between my mother and her family groupies and her sister and her family groupies.

Both sides have recognized that I am the peacekeeper and in a few instances the martyr.

No wonder why I hate family gatherings.

Friends are much more complex but the rewards are seemingly greater or just unknown and thus unmeasured.