How do I apologize and show more appreciation towards my boyfriend?

Gift giving and receiving is a complicated human interaction. How do you feel when you receive a gift? How do you feel when it seems that there are expectations that come with receiving a gift? For example, you didn’t ask for a gift. He supposedly did this to show you how much you mean to him, and to make you happy. When people do this, but then turn around and expect something in return (specific reactions, reciprocity, etc), the gift exchange might seem like a coercive experience. This might not be what’s going on here. It might be that he’s just disappointed because he thought it would make you more happier than it did. And that’s ok. More communication is really the key here. Maybe you are someone who is less interested in gifts with expectations, and more interested in direct, honest communication.

I do think it was in bad taste for him to call you unappreciative but you are kids so he wouldn’t know how to handle the situation.

You, like others, are uncomfortable with public displays of affection and if he understands this then he should not have reacted the way he did.
BUT you are also in the wrong. He feels hurt because he displayed his willingness to make you happy and you gave him an ungrateful, or seemingly ungrateful response (it’s akin to someone buying their wife that new dress she wanted and her not showing emotion)

You need to reassure that you fully appreciate the gift, that you did not mean to hurt his feelings and that, if you were uncomfortable, he doesn’t need to buy you expensive gifts to gain your affection. Show him you do appreciate, and maybe return the favor

@tom_g I enjoy receiving gifts but sometimes I feel bad because I don’t want other people to give me expensive things as it’s bought with their hard earned money. Other than that I love receiving gifts, especially as a surprise.
You’ve totally described me in the last sentence.
The thing is that I’m very appreciative of everything that he does for me, it’s just that I’m not one to jump around and be all shiny happy about things, I guess that’s why people misunderstand it as rudeness or ungratefulness; which it isn’t.

I agree that his upset at you not showing more enthusiasm for his gift is a bit self serving, but…OTOH if your reaction was so diluted and benign as to not even be able to express some genuine enthusiasm and excitement at his spur of the moment surprise, well…..sounds like you both have some work to do on your expectations and communications.
If your reaction was about as enthusiastic as him buying you a loaf of bread I don’t blame him for feeling a little put off.

Next time, perhaps whisper into his ear the delectable surprises you have in store for him once you are in a private location.

He does know that you don’t like public displays of affection; therefore he has no right to get so cross.

Hmph.

Personally, I think it’s crap. “Hey, go into this specific store and choose something that I’ve determined you want, and I’ll throw money at it, and then you’ll be socially obligated to swoon over how generous I am.”

Spare me.

That’s not a thoughtful gift. Now, he may have been thoughtful when he came up with the idea of buying you something pretty, but he ruined it for himself when he called out his own expectations of how you would react.

Me? I don’t like jewelry. At least, not the over-shiny, mass produced stuff you see in mall stores. I wouldn’t appreciate a gift like that at all, especially if the gift giver was using it as an emotional blackmail tool.

@Seek_Kolinahr
Oh come on! They’re young, I highly doubt this was a sinister plan with ulterior motives… He had the intention of doing something nice for his girlfriend, he expected what any person would expect when being so generous… Which is reciprocation or a display of gratitude… It didn’t have to be a full on twilightish kiss, he shouldn’t even have had to ask, just something simple to show her appreciation.

This wasn’t some blackmail “tool”, but a wholehearted gesture

A gift with expectations isn’t a gift, it’s payment.

@Seek_Kolinahr
Not quite.
His expectations were nothing but desire to see her happy (paying for her happiness so to speak) I see nothing wrong with that

@HolographicUniverse: “His expectations were nothing but desire to see her happy (paying for her happiness so to speak) I see nothing wrong with that”

Really?

@nailpolishfanatic: “Though he asked for a kiss and I gave him one, afterwards he tells me that I’m not very appreciative”

Manipulative and f*cked up behavior on his part (at least from her portrayal of the events). This is not uncommon, in my experience. Like I mentioned in my first comment, gifts and the whole expectations surrounding them are a complicated mess.

I’m with @Seek_Kolinahr

Gifts are tricky. I don’t like surprises, and I don’t like money spent that I feel is wasteful. An extravagant gift I don’t really care about is like a waste to me. If smeone wants to spend a lot of money on me, which I think is very nice and I appreciate that, then I want it to be something I really need or want. Your boyfriend it seems to me bought you jewelry because he wanted to. It’s more loving to buy you something you really want in my opinion.

However, as I have grown older I am better at handeling gifts and surprises and understand more the effort amd thoughtfulness that go into the gifts. Some things I never would have picked for myself I now love that I have them for sentimental reasons.

Jewelry, chocolates, flowers, all cliché to me unless the woman actually really does love receiving those things. For me, flowers die, I’m trying to lose weight, and I want to pick my own jewelry, and rather travel than have jewelry generally.

My husband felt I was unromantic because I didn’t want flowers. Well, sort of yeah. I am more practical. I am prudent with money and like a lovely card just as much as flowers. Price differential about $50. I have a box full of cards that I love to look through sometimes. I think that is pretty romantic. I never gushed over his gifts of flowers, because I don’t want that gift. It’ a hard line to walk. Being appreciative and also trying to communicate what you prefer.

When I was in Tokyo visiting a friend she asked me if I like something when we were out shopping. I thought she liked it for herself so I said, “yes.” Two minutes later she presented it to me, she had gone and bought it for me. If I knew it was going to be for me I would have chosen something else. Now I know with her, she is going to buy something. She just did it when I saw her a couple months ago. I did not want her to spend a lot so I purposely focused on something relatively inexpensive, and damned if I don’t have it in my purse right now. It’s a pretty pillbox.

@HolographicUniverse He needs to better figure out what makes her happy.

In answer to your question.

Tell him how you feel about being bought presents and give him clear indications of what sort of gifts you prefer.

If he wants to do something to make you happy he will listen and next time it will be both of you that are happy.

If he won’t listen to you tell him that the same thing will happen next time and that you will both feel the same as you do now and you want to avoid that.

@tom_g
I’m unsure how anyone could interpret otherwise. This is a young man, how manipulative can he be? Especially considering his frustration with her lack of affection. He had no motive than to make her happy, that’s very clear, you paint the boy to be some sort of manipulative bastard who’s trying to take advantage

@JLeslie
That’s his only mistake, not knowing what makes her happy, he assumed based on what she picked out
(she could have.been honest and refused the gesture)

I’m totally in @Seek_Kolinahr‘s camp (with @josie) on this. 100%.

@HolographicUniverse Well, she was thinking she would have through May to worry about it. He was insisting on going through the exercise so she tried to make him happy at keast for that moment. He lied about what he was going to do. Lying leads to problems usually, even when the intention is good. But, true, she now knows to be truthful with him about what she wants. She did try at first. But, he was the one insisting. Insisting.

@Elm1969 I already tried doing so, but I feel like he didn’t even care to listen, instead he tells me that I’m trying to change the subject and make it all about me and feeling sorry for myself (before he said that I had reminded him of how he had sometime back said to me that I was ungrateful).

@JLeslie THANK YOU!
I told him that I didn’t need anything, but he insisted and now see what happened.

@HolographicUniverse I did refuse the offer, I told him why but he insisted anyways.

You know what? I bow out, I didn’t read the thread in it’s entirety, dont feel like doing so, therefore you all may be right.

P.s. @CWOTUS nobody asked you ;-)

My impression is that gift is wrapped around his ego. Big man on campus gave an expensive gift to his girlfriend that she can flash around.

@nailpolishfanatic Do you like the piece of jewelry? If you like it, apologize for not having a reaction that made him feel you appreciated it, tell him you love it, that you know he was trying to do something wonderful for you, and then let him know in the future you prefer not to have surprises like that.

Generally men do have egos, it’s a reality to deal with. When he sees how excited you get when you get exactly what you would want it will reinforce him buying those things for you.

Oh come on people
It’s not that complex! The guy bought a gift he thought she would like… SHE could have at least stroked his ego out of.gratitude.

What do you make of people who buy their gfs cars, handbags, peacocks, macbooks etc?

@HolographicUniverse If it is a friend or relative fine, stroke. But, boyfriend, depends. If it is a long term relationship possibly leading to marriage I think better to be honest.

About the other gifts, it depends how much money they have. If they can afgord it no problem, then no problem. If they don’t really have the money and I am thinking of having a long term romantic relationship with them, then to me it is unattractive that they are irresponsible with money. But, even if they have the money I don’t want to be surprised with a car. I want to pick it out.

Stroke his ego? Gah!
Bottom line, if giving a gift has manipulative motives for ego stroking it is not a “gift.” It is manipulation.

You are all viewing this simple situation as something complex, he was determined to do something nice for his GF, despite her protest. I’m sure he would have been happy if she simply hugged and kissed him or showed she appreciated it (despite being in public) He may have been wrong for insisting upon buying it but it’s not as if he was doing it to have sex, to persuade her to perform a task against her will or to hold it against her.
You’re making it seem like he’s an adult like us who understands how to manipulate effectively. He bought her a gift and she was ungrateful… That simple.

But she didn’t appreciate it. Because she didn’t want it. She refused the gift, and he thrust it upon her, for his own selfish desire to be swooned over. And he did hold it against her.

@HolographicUniverse Who is the gift for? Him or her?

It is okay to not want a lot of money spent pointlessly on you in exchange for shiny things and a guilt trip.

Hmm

So this kid wakes up one morning and says “i’m going to buy her an expensive gift just to have her swoon over me” doesn’t seem like a bright investment. Again he never fashioned for sex, he didn’t do it to persuade her to do something she refused prior to that, and he is not holding it against her (I.e I bought you this gift so you’re obligated to do this)

The only motive you seem to set forth is that he bought for the sole purpose of feeding his ego.

I can understand, I’ve known of men who use the element of surprise just to make her happy, or more commonly in courship. I understand that she really did not want it, and like I said above he was in the wrong for getting angry at a failed reaction but he made an effort to impress her

The least she could have done was shown appreciation. I’ve gotten socks as birthday presents and still show gratitude, where are the manners?

So he gave you a random gift and then, almost immediately after, told you were weren’t appreciative of him? Sounds like a ploy to me. Why buy you a gift if he thought you wouldn’t appreciate it/him?

@HolographicUniverse I am perfectly willing to go along with his conscious intentions were to please her.

@livelaughlove21
He bought it because he thought she WOULD. Also i’m sure if she pushed the issue, he wouldn’t have bought it… Is this girl really that easily influenced in other situations? “oh I protested but I gave in because he wouldn’t listen”

@HolographicUniverse Now he knows she didn’t. But, instead of saying, “I thought you would really like it, let’s return it and get something you really want.” He is telling her she sucks.

@JLeslie I love it, very delicate and something different from what I usually wear. I’ve thought things over and got some advice from my mother, she told me that I shouldn’t feel guilty or bad for he bought me such expensive earrings. I should just go over to him with flowers or something and try talking to him again and tell him exactly what you just said I should say.

@HolographicUniverse That’s where you’re wrong, I’m very grateful for what he did and that he even thought of it, it was a lovely surprise and I do enjoy surprises but I didn’t expect that one.

@nailpolishfanatic Ok, so you love it. That’s great! It is just a learning experience then. He likes more visible emotion on these things, now you know.

Hmm
So based on what she has just stated, I wonder how many here openly admit they’re wrong?

@JLeslie We’ve already talked about it, I’ve already told him that sometimes I have difficulties communicating, especially about my emotions. He also knows that sometimes I might seem like I’m ungrateful but actually I’m very grateful for everything my loved ones do for me. He knows that, I just don’t understand why he didn’t take mark on that today.

Nope. I’d still be perturbed if someone pushed some expensive crap I didn’t want on me then threw a pissy fit if I didn’t grovel because of it.

You don’t owe him anything at all, @nailpolishfanatic. In fact, I’d be leery of him – and especially any “gifts” he may offer with strings attached.

He’s being, or attempting to be, coercive and controlling, not loving. He gives you a gift – which you had already told him was inappropriate (if you don’t want him to spend a lot of money, and he does, then that’s “inappropriate”), and then he wanted to extract “his mode of appropriate gratitude” from you, in a way that he should already know is uncomfortable for you.

I’m all for people breaking out of their comfort zones. Maybe someday you would want to loosen up and be able to display affection in public. But that’s a decision for you to make, not for him to coerce out of you, and then sulk afterward when you try to talk to him about it.

Be very aware of how he attempts to extract specific behaviors from you, and decide whether you want to continue a relationship with him based on what you learn. I don’t like this guy, but he’s not my boyfriend.

@HolographicUniverse can piss up a rope.

As an example: I made a comment one time while shopping for a card for his mom’s birthday that I thought store-bought cards were silly and over-priced. Through seven years of our relationship, my husband has given me only hand-made cards.

Someone who cares, listens.

@CWOTUS
You’re being far too hard on the kid, he is not this thoughtful (negatively or positively) She just stated she enjoys the gift, she picked the earrings out when she could have been a bit more clear on the issue (it’s a bigger problem if she can’t assert herself around him)

He didn’t day she sucks, he said pick out something you like, she did, he bought it, she gave an underwhelming response and he took natural offense. He was trying to surprise her (hence him saying it’s for her birthday)
It’s not as serious as you imply, it’s not as sinister as one assumes. She could have shown him appreciation for the gesture.

A gift is a gift. It’s one thing to be disappointed by a response to a gift, but to complain about someone not being appreciative enough is completely different.

Having been a young man at one point in my life, I know how manipulative they can be.

@HolographicUniverse There is no right/wrong dichotomy going on. When updated information is presented then it updates the responses.
I think @JLeslie has clarified the bottom line, they both need to discuss and understand each others expressions and needs. As always it is both, as I mentioned in my original post.
@JLeslie has given the most succinct answer that I think we would all agree with.

@HolographicUniverse: “she gave an underwhelming response and he took natural offense”

I’m not sure why you’re pressing this so hard. Didn’t she say she didn’t want it? And when you give someone a gift, the recipient is not obligated to go ape-shit crazy over a gift. My wife and I don’t exchange gifts because we hate them – and the concept. My mother buys me gifts despite the fact that I have told her (in writing and in person) many times that I hate gifts. I take offense at receiving them, and I just return them or donate them. Period.

But this is a simple situation. The boy bought a gift – without her asking – and expected her to blow him in the jewelry store. This isn’t a matter of “manners” or anything. If you buy something for someone as a gift, it’s not the recipient’s responsibility to live up to your expectations of excitement. We call that something else altogether. @Seek_Kolinahr, @JLeslie, and others have covered it. I’m not sure why you continuing to pretend that it hasn’t already all been covered.

@tom_g
My friend, there’s a reasonable reaction in receiving a gift to show gratitude. She didn’t need to blow him, but giving a lackluster or non chalant reaction, or no reaction at all, is unacceptable. She hurt his feelings
I dont think either one covered it appropriately buddy, this is why I find differences with.
On that note i’m done here.

Is there a chart to show how much gratitude should be shown for different levels of ‘gifts’?

@mrentropy That’s what I’m wondering.

@HolographicUniverse The girl was in a state of shock.

You don’t, sounds like he’s trying to buy your affection, your dignity is worth far more than those earrings.

@ucme He isn’t trying to buy my affection, I KNOW his feelings towards me.

ALSO I FORGOT TO MENTION. TODAY’S OUR 5 MONTH ANNIVERSARY. THE EARRINGS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT, THEY WERE JUST A PLAIN LOVELY GESTURE THAT HE DID FOR ME. A

TO THOSE TELLING ME THAT HE’S TRYING TO GET A BLOWJOB OR WHATSOEVER FROM ME, YOU’RE WRONG.

A gift for no reason but that he wants to do something special is the most special. I like those better than a gift for Valentines or Christmas. :) You both just need to get used to how you each feel about and prefer gifts being given. I didn’t grow up with a lot of gift giving as surprises or opening a box, it makes me uncomfortable. My family bought us things we had picked out or that we were going to buy for ourselves, but then they step in and pick up the bill.

@mrentropy
Unless you’re naturally ungrateful or have no skill in assessing social situations then you should have an intrinsic feeling of a decent reaction.

It’s like if you told your mother that you liked a certain pair of Armani shoes and.she bought them on the spot… Even if you don’t approve of the gift, you still show gratitude.

Any reaction that reassures them your appreciation… Obviously this person didn’t do that (or is a really.bad actor)

@JLeslie That’s exactly the situation that I was in when I was younger, didn’t receive many presents.

@HolographicUniverse I can’t speak for the OP, but there are many things I like that I would not buy or feel are too much money to buy. And, I don’t mean I don’t have the money, I mean I don’t see the value in buying it and would not want anyone to pay it. I might say I think a pair of shoes are beautiful, but if they are $900 I don’t want them. Even if they are free for me. $900 for shoes seems ridiculous to me.

P.s. I can empathize, i’m horrible when put on the spot with surprises and the like.. But I still attempt to make my admiration known.

@HolographicUniverse I would show gratitude. And evidently @nailpolishfanatic did also, despite her uneasiness in showing public affection. But that wasn’t enough; she was ‘ungrateful’. So how much would be enough?

Her apology to her boyfriend should be along the lines of, “I really do love this gift I’m just not a public affection kind of person” and he should be fine with that, not being petulant to her because she didn’t react the way he wanted her to.

Like I said, being disappointed? Okay, sure, understandable. Punishing somebody for not reacting the way you want them to? Not so understandable.

Being young is one thing, too. I don’t know what school this is. It could be high school, it could be college, I have no idea. But even if it’s high school the kid needs to learn that if you’re going to give a gift to make someone else happy you can’t dictate how much happiness you will get in return.

…

Anyone else feel like we were missing a key piece or two of information?

1. You’re the kind of couple that has OMGAnniversaries! for pointless dates.
2. The anniversary was the day of the gift.

Still, douchey response by Boyfriend.

@HolographicUniverse Is your mom buying you Armani shoes? Seriously, now. I could pay my rent with a pair of Armani shoes.

@mrentropy
I agree. I think what’s missing here, though may not be needed in a simple conversation, is how exactly she reacted, what she said to.him or if he even knows about her uneasiness in such situations.

If this was the first time this has happened, you can’t really blame him for being caught off guard, I would suggest she explain it to him so he makes sure not to spend his money on meaningless gifts.

@HolographicUniverse : True enough. But from what I’m reading this is the second time it happened.

@Seek_Kolinahr

Haha just an analogy my dear, I would never pay such money for clothing (you should see the absurd prices on a Hugo boss 3 piece… But he was a Nazi so it figures)

@Seek_Kolinahr Excuse me, but who are you to judge and say that we have pointless anniversaries? If I am happy with the relationship that I am in why can’t I be free to celebrate it whenever I want. I could even celebrate it daily or weekly if I wanted. I find it rude that you would even say that.

@Seek_Kolinahr Also I don’t see what it’s go to do with my question.

@mrentropy
Hmm really? I suppose I didn’t catch that above. If this has happened, it’s his fault for not taking heed the first time.

@nailpolishfanatic
That’s right, you tell her.

@nailpolishfanatic What I’m saying is that people who tend to focus on an “anniversary” for random dates are more likely to focus on materialistic gifts for said “anniversaries”. (Ignoring entirely that “anniversary” implies a full year) and thus might become more upset if one’s gift isn’t received well.

My husband and I don’t do hallmark holidays, including anniversaries. Our “anniversary” celebration is Renn Faire season, because our first date was to a Rennaissance festival. Our wedding anniversary might mean I cook red meat and buy the really good beer.

Knowing what kind of a relationship two people have is important in defining and explaining expectations.

@HolographicUniverse : Yeah it’s in this bit: afterwards he tells me that I’m not very appreciative (mind you, this is the second time that something like this happens and the word, “appreciate” is said) so I got a bit hurt by that.

But, you know, the longer people are together the better they know each other.

@Seek_Kolinahr Well that’s you and your husband, what you said though was uncalled for. It’s not that I am hurt from your written words or anything, it’s just that I wanted to point it out.

Our “anniversaries” we haven’t celebrated with going out or gifts. We’ve always just spent together our free time and keeping one another company. It’s never been about gifting one another.

@Seek_Kolinahr if you get tired of that guy, let us know, okay? I was a knight in shining armor once, even if that shining armor included a helmet made of an ice cream container wrapped with aluminum foil. The other Cub Scouts thought it was pretty cool.

Yikes. It’s clear now that there is much more to this story. The characters involved are throwing me off. I have nothing else to add.

@tom_g Did you really need to use the word “yikes” ...

@mrentropy
Hmm I missed that portion, well that does change my opinion slightly considering that he should have taken note of her reaction the first time… That’s like touching the stove twice and saying it shouldn’t be so hot.
She should simply explain to him that surprise gifts are not her forte, as you suggested above.

@CWOTUS
You’re still here? What does it mean to piss up a rope?

@HolographicUniverse Yes. And no. The part where it gets confusing is about how she reacted. From what I read she had no problem being excited and happy about getting the gift:

” I was a bit shocked, but otherwise I was very thankful and grateful that he would want to spend that much money on me (to me the gift was very expensive). I told him that I was thankful”

The real problem is here:
“and since we were in public I rarely display my affection by kissing especially. Though he asked for a kiss and I gave him one,”

This is where the comments about blowjobs and manipulation is coming in. He wanted a physical display of affection that @nailpolishfanatic wasn’t comfortable with. My question would be, why was that so important to him?

My answer to the second half of this question would have to be, “Suck it up and be able to show affection in public.”

@nailpolishfanatic can feel free to correct me if I’m wrong at any place.

@mrentropy No correction needed to be done, you’re completely right.
Though I would like to say that when I say that I have difficulties/don’t like showing public affection it’s kissing included, but I don’t mind on the occasional. And about sucking it up, believe me I’m trying my hardest but I’m just a very shy person and like keeping things to myself.

you know what to do

@Seek_Kolinahr I think it’s a tad unfair to assume they’re materialistic because they’re doing the “5 month anniversary” thing. My husband and I did this, though I didn’t call it an anniversary and we only gave gifts on the year marks. When the people and the relationship are young, they often count these things, especially if something like 5 months is a longer relationship than they’ve had in the past. I know my husband and I were excited to get past 4 months because he’d never dated anyone that long before and neither had I.

Young people do the counting thing – it doesn’t necessarily mean gift-giving is implied. Then again, it does mean that with some people.

@nailpolishfanatic The reality is that there needs to be understanding between both of you. He shouldn’t be pressuring you to do something you’re not comfortable with, unless you’re really wanting to change that.

UPDATE: I tried talking to him but things didn’t work out so we’ve decided to take a break.

@nailpolishfanatic: Wow. Interesting how a single event can be the straw that broke the camel’s back. How are you doing?

@gailcalled I’m okay but since this is my first ever real relationship I feel very down. Not sure how I will survive the next couple of weeks. I’m constantly thinking of what I could have done better. I’m in the middle of writing an important essay and all I can think about is him.

If possible, and I know that this is not easy, try not to give him so much power over you. Particularly the part where you are “constantly thinking of what” you “could have done better.”

It was a relationship, not a one-sided event. You are not the only party involved. Do you think he is brooding enough to have his thoughts interfer with an important activity in his life.

Shoulders back, girl, and head held high. You’re better that this. What’s the subject of the essay?

@gailcalled I’ve tried but it’s very hard not to.
The subject of the essay is about the Brit’s occupation on Iceland during WW2. Hopefully that makes sense.

It would interest me. I had no idea that they did occupy Iceland.

It’s very interesting but since the teacher’s already provided us with the sources that we’re allowed to use kind of sucks. It limits my writing to an extent.

His purchase was insensitive and inappropriate. It would have been better if you had found a way not to accept the present. It’s him who should apologize.