At what age do you no longer pay for your daughters wedding?

If I could afford to pay for it, I think I’d pay for a first wedding at any age. After that, you’re on your own. Also, if you want some extravagant thing, you’re on your own after a certain amount of money, too.

I have never thought of that before, and it is interesting to think about. I would say that it would be nice for the family to help out with the wedding no matter the age. Unless she had been married numerous times in the past. Maybe if she is in a good place and can afford it no problem and wants bigger better things than the family can afford, then she should put forth the extra money. Other than that I’d say the family should pay for if not help out with the expenses for her first wedding. It may have taken longer for her, but it is still her first time marrying the love of her life, and why should it be any different from a younger woman?

I don’t see why age would matter. If a bride’s family is willing and able to provide for the wedding, what difference does it make if the first-time bride is 25 or 50? The 50-year-old bride may be in a position to thank her parents sweetly and say that she and the groom will handle it, so they should keep their retirement funds for their own use. But if the family wants to do it, why not?

I think it’s a different matter if she’s had one or more previous marriages. It seems to me that after the first, she’s on her own.

Personally, I think we should switch our tradition away from the bride’s family paying for a wedding to a parent giving money when a child starts out on their own, or shortly after. What if a child never gets married, or gets married later in life? Their sibling who married young gets a big party and lavished with gifts, but the single one is SOL? Plus, it seems unfair in this day and age for only parents with female children to have to be the ones to fork over most of the money for a wedding.

But, since the question is when are parents no longer “responsible” to pay, I would say no one expects a parent to pay for a second marriage. As far as age for a first wedding, I would expect the parents to pay no matter what age, why should it be any different? I guess if the daughter has more wealth than her parents she would not expect it, or she might contribute to the event. My parents gave me a specific amount of money for my marriage and I could use it for the wedding, or I could have stashed it and done a very simple ceremony, or a destination wedding where the money could be used for a more fabulous honeymoon, etc. So, my parents didn’t really pay for a wedding, they gave me the money to spend as I saw fit.

“Usually, the brides family pays the wedding expenses.”

I beg to differ. I don’t know anyone married in the last 5–10 years that didn’t pay for their own wedding. I think this tradition is well on its way out, unless the bride’s parents are wealthy.

@filmfann: “Usually, the brides family pays the wedding expenses.”

I don’t think this has existed for a long time – nor should it.

I gave my daughters a budget and I think I would do that at any age if it was a first marriage.

Second or third wedding even if under 22.

Besides, how many toaster ovens could she use?

@livelaughlove21 @tom_g Most people I know the bride’s family still pays for the wedding, although often the groom’s parents pay for some part ofthe overall celebration. The groom’s side might pick up the rehearsal dinner or the alcohol for the wedding, it kind of seems to be up for grabs or negotiated during the planning of the wedding, or what the groom’s family offers.

It probably varies around the country (talking US here) and other influences might be social class and subcultural differences.

@livelaughlove21 The couples you know pay for their own weddings with no help from their parents on either side? Is it because the parents don’t have the money? Or, they just don’t see it as their responsibility? Or, generally wedding receptions are seen as a waste of money?

@JLeslie: “It probably varies around the country (talking US here) and other influences might be social class and subcultural differences.”

Must be. Everyone I know (Massachusetts) has paid for their own wedding. I haven’t even heard of such a thing really existing. Also, the last wedding I attended had 2 “brides” – which one would have had to pay?

What exactly is the supposed justification for such a tradition? Is it some kind of dowry thing?

When I married, my wife was on Welfare, and her family was 2000 miles away. I paid for the wedding.
With that exception, I can’t think of a wedding I have attended, involving a bride under 30, that wasn’t paid for by the parents.

I was 21, and paid for that shiz myself. I want a refund. I’d have been much happier with a trip to the woods with a notary (like I originally effing wanted) than that fiasco of a church wedding I had to pay for, for the sake of “propriety”

@tom_g Were the couples “older” couples when they married?

The tradition is partly a dowry like thing from the far away past, but not exactly the reason. Many cultures a wedding is a very important celebration that is a total family affair. Now, even though our culture has changed a lot regarding women being able to earn their own way, be self sufficient, and it isn’t like families are waiting to hand off their daughters, still parents want to celebrate their child’s wedding. If the parents want a celebration they pay for it, basically they are hosting it. Or, the parents might look at as a gift, similar to how my parents handled it.

Gay couples would work out who pays for what just like many straight couples do now.

@Seek_Kolinahr, even though I paid for my daughters wedding (she had the choice, cash or wedding) she sometimes wishes that she had chosen to take the cash too. She was working for a church and had to invite a lot of people and she married into a culture with a habit of just bringing uninvited guests to the wedding. At $35 a plate it got pretty out of control! It didn’t help that she had got a depo shot and it was making her crazy.
In the end the wedding turned out to be really healing for the family. Her bio father committed suicide when she was six and his parents blamed me. Seeing how we honored and remembered him at the wedding healed a long held wound.
Lots of other reconciliations happened at her wedding and although it was a huge stress that she didn’t expect, she is finally (after nearly 10 years) starting to look on it with fond memories instead of as a day of chaos.

@JLeslie: ”@tom_g Were the couples “older” couples when they married?”

I’m specifically talking about people getting married in their 20s (or in 2 cases, their 30s).

I am struggling to find data on the subject. There should be something out there. This must be a class thing. I don’t know anyone who has parents that could drop $10k on a wedding (or whatever weddings cost). My wife and I paid $10k on our wedding and reception. We paid for it, but we got some of that back in gifts. I believe we ended up (after some generous gifts from some aunts and uncles) that we probably lost about $3k.

I would say yes for the first wedding, but I think it’s insane to spend a huge amount on the wedding and the reception.

@tom_g Usually 40–50 year olds (parents) have more money available to spend than 20 somethings (brides and grooms).

What social class would you say the parents are that you are referring to?

@JLeslie: “So, what social class would you say the parents are that you are referring to?”

I don’t know. That’s what I’m trying to find. My single mother needs help paying her heating bills. She wasn’t able to pay for my sister’s wedding. My wife was in the same boat (single, poor mother). Many of my friends had 2 parents, but they were not people who could drop thousands on some party. The parents range from public school teachers to mail room workers.

“According to TheKnot.com & WeddingChannel.com 2010 Real Weddings Study, 45% of the wedding is paid for by the bride’s parents, 42% is paid for by the bride and groom and 12% is paid for by the groom’s parents….According to the same survey cited above, only 13% of couples pay for their entire wedding on their own, and only 20% of couples pay for most of the wedding on their own (90% or more of their wedding budget).”

Source Click on source link for further information and better context.

@tom_g Well, if she needs help paying her heating bills I would say she has a fairly low income, unless she is really bad with money. I would never expect a parent to go into debt or even spend any amount of money that would significanlty impact their savings for a wedding. But, the “kids” probably should not either.

School teachers and mail room (UPS, USPS, Fedex) people usually have pretty good pensions and generally good benefits even though their salary might be towards the low side. It really depends where they live. Some states pay teachers well, some very badly. But, I am not putting into question how money was earned, saved, or spent by those particular people, I think we are both talking generalities anyway about what we see in terms of parents paying for weddings. A wedding reception doesn’t have to be $10k +. I wonder more if parents even see it as something they are responsible for at all. Like college, I wanted to marry someone who expected to pay for our children’s college.

Re: the stats – I can’t find anything reliable. Some sites state that the bride’s parents pay only 18% of the time. But these all seem to be unscientific polls.

@tom_g Yours is a UK study. I agree none of them seem scientific.

I paid for my own second wedding. I was older and on my own.

I think if it is a first wedding paying for it at any age is a nice gesture.

A lot of brides to be and grooms to be pay for their own wedding. It really is a private family matter where affordability is the main factor. I do feel though that both parents should contribute something if they are going that traditional route.

I’m learning way too much about weddings by searching for data. People really spend $30k on a wedding? I’m going to have to wash these facts out of my mind so I can sleep tonight.

@JLeslie – I give up on finding real data here. But clearly, this this isn’t what I had imagined (something made up in hollywood movies).

@tom_g I know of a guy that spent $65K on his daughter’s wedding.

My daughters wedding was over 20k. The other daughter took the cash and went to Vegas and put a huge down payment on a new car.

@tom_g My guess is most people who participate in those polls are on the “wedding sites” and reading “bride” magazines and so the people being surveyed are more likely to be spending significant money as opposed to someone who is doing a simple wedding and reception at home with reatives helping to make the food. So, it is not really sampling a proper cross section of people for a valid study. Just a guess.

Recently I have two friends who paid for destination weddings for their children, very small group of family and friends attending, and then a party a month or two later for the local folk. One had a daughter, the other a son, and actually the family with the son paid for the majority of wedding expenses all totalled up. My guess is the familybwith the daughter probably split some of the expenses with the grooms family, but I am not sure exactly how it was divided.

I just went to a wedding several weeks ago, and I would guess they spent $15k to $20k. The bride’s parents paid for the wedding and reception (I know because the father, our friend, was complaining, half jokingly, about how expensive it was). Possibly the grooms parents paid for a rehearsal dinner I am unaware of, I don’t know if they had one, but I assume they did.

I certainly have attended and know of people, parents, spending $40k and up for weddings, but most of them were over 10 years ago, so possibly people are spending less now even if they have the money, I have no idea really. I see a difference between weddings here in the midsouth compared to the northeast and when I lived in FL. They usually spend less here on food and decor even in the same social classes, but that is just a generalization, not always true.

1st wedding yes, any others no.
I’m lucky that my daughter thinks traditional weddings are a waste of money and she would prefer to opt for a simple justice of the peace marriage and then just have a wedding party. She is 25 and has been living with her boyfriend for 3 years now. They are very happy but in no hurry to marry even though they consider their union to be long term.

I already helped set them up in their apartment a few years ago, bought them a lot of stuff and so they really wouldn’t need any house gifts. I think spending 20–30k minimum, for a decent traditional wedding is a joke. I’d much rather send them on a great honeymoon trip or give them some cash. I consider traditional weddings to be a complete waste of money that could be used on a much more beneficial manner for couples.

@Coloma Often the social classes spending the money on expensive weddings, the couple gets some of the money “back” as wedding gifts. But, I am not trying to say people should spend small fortunes on weddings, I have no opinion on it, I think each couple and family decides for themseves.

I added about $5k-$6k to the $10k my parents gave me to put on the event (they actually spent a little more to pay for hotel nights for a couple people) and I got back just under $7k in money as gifts, plus gifts from my registry. My registry was quite modest. But, you can’t count on gifts to refund the cost of a wedding of course.

I encourage all couple to pay for their own weddings. If you’re old enough to get married, you’re old enough to set a budget, make mature choices, and cover the entire bill. The couple hosts the event and can avoid so many petty squabbles and bad feelings (“But Daddy and I are paying for your wedding, dear. If I want to invite my 6th grade teacher, whom you’ve never met, and our next-door neighbors, whom you detest, it’s our choice.”)

@JLeslie I’m from the US as well. Southeast US to be more specific. I’m sure reasons vary. My parents didn’t pay for ours because they don’t have much money. We saved $10K and paid for it ourselves with absolutely no help. When our friends got married, parents would sometimes pick up the alcohol tab or rehearsal, sure, but I’ve never known a couple that didn’t have to pay for their own wedding day.

I feel like it’s an outdated tradition. Not many parents can afford $10K (average price of a wedding these days) and I don’t know why it would be their responsibility in the first place, even if they could afford it. If a couple wants a big wedding, it should be their responsibility to pay for it.

@livelaughlove21 Well, I don’t agree with your last statement that it should be the couples responsibility. To me there is no real rule anymore, and I certainly never think anyone should strap themseves in an irresposible way financially for a party. Like I said above each family decides what is right for them. I still think the majority of parents pay out some money when their kids marry, but as discussed above we don’t have reliable stats it seems to really figure out what the real story is. It is the parent’s responsibility only if they themselves make it so, it is up to them. I mentioned above educationl that is another one. Some people insist on private education for their children, some would never pay for it nor see the value in it. Some parents save knowing they will pay for a college education for their children, some expect their children to fund it themselves. I know people with quite a bit of wealth who would not compeletely pay for their childrens college educations and they also spent a very modest sum for their weddings. And, then I have friends whose parents have much less money, and their parents paid for school and weddings. All were varying levels of middle class by the time their children were in their teens and 20’s.

I do think pressures to have expensive wedding is a negative. And, the practice of charging more for a “wedding” than a party by florists, caterers, DJ’s and bands is disgraceful.

Both times I got married, my father gave me $1500–2000 as a gift to use towards wedding expenses. I doubt my expenses exceeded his gift. So I suppose he paid for my wedding, but I kept the expenses quite thrifty. Had I wanted a many thousand dollar wedding, I would have paid for the majority on my own.

I think that should be the case for anyone getting married. Parents should give what would not be a hardship (for some, that would mean $10). If the bride and groom insist on going above that, they should pay for it themselves.

@JLeslie I just feel that, if you’re an adult and make the decision to celebrate your love with a big party, why exactly would a parent feel this is their financial responsibility? I mean, if they truly want to pay for it, more power to them, but I think all life is a lesson and I learned a lot about myself, money, and my relationship during the course of planning our wedding. If we could’ve just sat there and planned it without worrying about coming up with the money, I would’ve been a lot less stressed out, sure, but I would’ve learned nothing from it.

If people are marrying in their early 20’s, like we did, they think they know about money, but they probably don’t know squat. A wedding is a perfect opportunity to learn just how much $10K is.

What I learned is that weddings are a huge waste of money. I was so stressed out and, although the day went well and was beautiful, it wasn’t worth the price tag. It often becomes more about the guests than the couple, which is a shame, and coming out $10K poorer was a huge wake-up call. If I could do it again, it would’ve consisted of a small (cheap) ceremony on the beach with just close family and friends, and no reception. If we did that, we could’ve used that money we saved to either have a hell of a honeymoon (which lasts longer than a wedding and is way more fun) or to put toward our first house or a car. I knew that from the beginning, but the thought of a nice wedding was just too attractive to resist. I wish I knew then what I know now.

Now, I’m not saying everyone should feel that way about weddings. I’m just saying that, if we didn’t pay for it, we wouldn’t have learned anything at all from it. Oh, a big party at someone else’s expense, woohoo!

It would’ve been nice to share the financial burden with someone else, but I’m proud that we did it ourselves and walked away all the more wise about some very important aspects of life, and I feel like our marriage is stronger because of it.

Young people these days need a nice dose of reality, and they need to know what a big party like that really consists of. It’s a valuable lesson to learn.

When I have children, I will certainly help if I can, but the majority of the wedding will be paid by them. If you want it, then you need to figure out how to make it happen.

@livelaughlove21 Well, it is kind of complicated in my mind. I really have a problem with young people having debt or spending on something they can barely afford. Starting off in a financial struggle as a young adult puts the person behind the eight ball. I do think learning how to budget and handle money is extremely important, and I appreciate that when we earn our money that we spend we have a better understanding of what it takes to afford something. But, there are many ways to learn that, it does not have to be by paying for a wedding.

Whether my parents or someone else pays or not I care about money spent. I don’t spend other people’s money carelessly, and I have always known what things cost, my parents raised me that way. I know you are not accusing me, I am just saying if children/people don’t care about how money is spent in general whether it be their own or someone else’s, I think that is a problem already. The person who scrimps to save and pay for their own wedding, still might spend wildly when money is just handed to them. How we handle money varies so much. I have never saved to buy something. I buy something when I have enough money to buy it. It is a different mindset. I won’t go down that tangent on this Q though. I only bring up the subject in response to you feeling planning and paying for a wedding is a valuable lesson. I completely accept you learned a lot paying for your own wedding. But, I think just paying for life would have taught you the same. Paying your rent, utilities, food, etc.

In families where the parents pay and then that tradition continues, the child in the end probably does pay for a wedding, their own child’s. And, more likely they pay when they can handle it better financially. I want to emphasize this paragraph, because I think this sort of thinking can vary a lot in families. If my parents did something for me, I am more likely to do it for my kids I think. We all think the way our family did things is probably best if things turned out well, or we feel we turned out well. But, often, there are many paths to things turning out well.

I actually wish my parents had helped me plan my wedding a little more and put out a little more money. I think my mom would have been a big help planning the menu, which I have some regrets about. I put up a florist who was incompetent. I don’t regret the money spent, but I go regret that I was not mature enough and not experienced to really know what I was doing. I think I had been to 4 weddings before mine. Overall it was a very nice wedding and reception, but sometimes I look back and think how lucky I was it turned out as good as it did.

By your last paragraph I guess you don’t care about having a big celebration when your children marry, which is fine. As I pointed out, my dad thought I should take the money he gave me and basically “elope” or have a destination ceremony. I would want a wedding for my kids if I had kids. I would want the party. I would want the family to come together. But, I wouldn’t push for it, I would still defer to my child’s desires. Since I want the event, I would expect to pay for it. My husband and I will be married 20 years this year, and we want to have an anniversary party. It won’t be thousands like a wedding, but probably 2 or 3 grand. We want to do it mostly to be with all our friends and family. An excuse for everyone to get together, extended family and friends who live states and countries away for a big party, actually probably a weekend in the end, but we won’t be paying for the entire weekend. We have a small family so there are not constant events that draw us together. If I had children I would probably not have an anniversary party at the 20 year mark, but I would be having a birthday party for my kids, or graduation party, etc. if I had 2 children I might spend on them differently then if I had 4. So many factors really.

I got married at age 33 and we paid for our own wedding. I think my parents hosted the groom’s dinner. My mother-in-law was newly widowed and I don’t know if we asked her to do anything at all. I think we assumed if she wanted to, she would have offered. I doubt if my wife asked.

In any case, I think this is a personal thing. It’s up to each family. I didn’t expect anyone to pay for my wedding, and I hope my children don’t expect anything. I’m sure we will offer something, but that’s different. Children who feel entitled to having their parents pay for a wedding belong to a different culture than me. I think it’s all about entitlement, and to me, that’s not a good thing.

@JLeslie I think it’s great that you are responsible about spending others’ money, but the great majority of 20-somethings aren’t nearly as conscientious. We are known as selfish, naive little shits for a reason. My husband and I were already paying rent and bills and living on our own with jobs before we got married, but none of that compared to coming up with multiple thousand dollars for one party. We weren’t in debt in the end by any means (we wouldn’t have done that to ourselves for a wedding), but seeing our savings account drop $10K in a matter of days was an experience like no other.

By the time our kids are the “marrying age”, we’ve learned this lesson long ago. The earlier we learn these things, the better. But, to be honest, I think it’s more of a responsibility issue than anything else.

I could just be biased in my dislike of weddings in general because our families showed their true colors in the months leading up to our wedding and we realized a big celebration for them wasn’t worth what we spent. I planned the entire thing on my own (I’d only been to one wedding at that point) and I preferred it that way because I wanted things a certain way and it turned out exactly as I’d hoped. Beautiful ceremony and reception, gorgeous flowers, delicious food, great music, and a wonderful photographer. No regrets there – I was really proud of myself – but no one even attempted to help or even pretend to care about the wedding, save a few people. They’re the type of people that, if something isn’t about them, they can’t be bothered with it. I know not everyone is cursed with this type of situation, but that’s just my story. The stress in itself was enough to deem the whole thing as not worth it. But it’s done and it was a fun day, so I don’t regret it too intensely.

As for my kids, or anyone else for that matter, I think the size of the wedding is up to them, as long as I’m not paying for it. I don’t have a hatred for all big weddings. If that’s what a couple wants, they should go for it.

Regardless of that issue, I’ve yet to hear a good reason for parents to think it’s their responsibility to cover their adult child’s wedding. I just don’t understand the thought process behind it.

@livelaughlove21 I guess it is just tradition passed down. When people are married very young, usually the young couple does not have the means for a big wedding, and weddings have become a big business. Even if the couple does not have a lot of money, the wedding might be at the parents home, the family might chip in and cook and do the decorations, but I think even in that case the young couple does not pay for much. They are just starting. Now many couples are older or have lived together, so they are not just starting out financially, so the finances have changed, but the tradition carries on because as I mentioned above, I think I will do it because my parents did it for me.

Marriage was the final step before moving out of your parents home back in the day, so it was kind of like a send of for the parents. Or, maybe we can think of it as the final celebration the parents will provide as the couple moves forward into their new life with their new spouse.

I’m not so philosophical about it myself, but I think some of the traditions are steeped in that history.

Some of it is just custom. The people in my social class who I socialize with pay for some or part of their child’s wedding usually. It is an expected expense.

If an adult child is a careless brat, then I would rethink paying for their wedding. If I feel they needed a lesson that they should not feel entitled then that would come into consideration for me. I would think by their 20’s they would understand money and hard work a little better. I would hope anyway. I think teens should work, earn somemmoney, have to show up on time for an employer, follow direction. Unless they academically are pursuing an extremely difficult subject matter and objectively they work very hard at their school work.

What did your parents say? You’re on your own if you want a reception. Get married at the court and let us know when it is over? I don’t really understand a family being completely disconnected from the wedding of their children, Or, did you always know you would have to pay for it?

Edit: I just remembered you said your parents don’t have any money, I am completely empathetic to that situation. Do you think if they had the money they would have been happy to and would have wanted to pay for part or all of the reception?

@JLeslie It was really his family (except his mother) that remained disconnected. Both families are supportive of us in that no one disapproves or dislikes either me or him, so that had nothing to do with it. It’s just selfishness and, quite frankly, being rednecks that know nothing about weddings aside from shotgun ceremonies performed over a pond spillway (that’s not a figure of speech; it’s literal). My parents would have liked to help, but I always knew I’d be paying for most, if not all, of it on my own. Like I said, I don’t know anyone whose parents paid for their wedding, so I was under the assumption that it was a dead tradition for the most part. Until today, that is.

@livelaughlove21 I hope I did not come across offensive.

People change with money. Not everything changes, but usually as people climb up the social latter things change a little. Hopefully, the important things stay intact. I have a feeling you are moving away from your family socio-economically, that can be dificult. There are cultural differences, psychographics change. In America it is sort of taboo to discuss social class (although we do it on fluther).

Maybe you will see the wedding issue differently in time. I don’t think I explained well why it seems nornal to me for parents to pay for weddings. I doubt my paternal grandparents paid anything when their children wed (one boy, one girl). They were extremely poor. My husband’s parents felt they were supposed to buy us a house when we married, that is so outside of what is normal to me, so extravagant. It is a long story what actually happened; in the end they did not buy us a house.

We paid for our own (my first and only) wedding 35 years ago. I didn’t feel like asking my parents for anything or doing anything more than my husband-to-be and I could afford ourselves. Tradition or no tradition, my (very traditional) parents never even offered. Still, if I had a daughter, I would be willing in principle and within reason.

@Jeruba When you married did most of your peers have their wedding paid for by their parents? Did you have to save to have the wedding you wanted? Or, you budgeted it within saving you already had? Why exactly would you pay for your daughter’s wedding?

I don’t think there needs to be a cutoff if the family wants to help and the daughter doesn’t object, but I don’t think it should be something an adult daughter should expect.

@JLeslie, marriage didn’t enter my plans at all until fairly late by the standards of the day. By that time many of my friends and contemporaries were already working on their divorces or their second marriages. I do know that at least some were funded by the brides’ families.

In our case we went with what we could afford, which was very modest. We spent more on our rings (which we still have) than we did on the clothing, food, and decorations, which we don’t.

It’s easy to say that I’d offer to pay for my daughter’s wedding because it’s hypothetical. I have sons only. But I think I would be willing to abide by the tradition—as I say, in principle and within reason—unless the couple had the means and desire to manage it themselves. It would feel like a way of helping the young people get started and also sustaining continuity between the generations.