If your pet hacked your Fluther account, what would he (or she) ask?

Could I have more chocolate?

Schrödinger here: Who is this Milo, and why is he in my house? This is my house. Get out of my house. Who are all these cats thinking they can come on my turf. MOM! Where’s my food? And tell that kid to stop touching my paws. I hate that.

MIlo here; Why does everyone like me so much more than Gail? She is not so bad once you get to know her. (I see everything, even when you think I am out of eye- or ear-shot.)

Oh shit, Milo’s here. I hope he dishes some dirt on @gailcalled!

“Anybody else here wonder why we have to use that ridiculous litterbox?”

Details: For 12 years I obligingly squeezed into that foul box, then spent the next 20 minutes shaking the grit out from between my toes. One morning, a couple of months ago, I said to hell with that and started exploring other possibilities. It’s AWESOME! Seriously, you can poop wherever you feel like it!

What do you mean IF your pet “hacked” it? I’ve had this account a long time, I don’t need to hack anything. I mean, didn’t my profile pic give it away?

So, for me, the question would be more appropriate if you’d said “What would your OWNER say if he hacked my fluther account”

“Okay girls, who loves it doggy style?”
“I know I do! ”

@thorninmud: MIlo here; What a good idea. Thanks for sharing. I wish that I had thought of that before. (Although I do get some pleasure out of Gail’s unhappy forays into snow and ice and sleet and hail and gloom of night in order to empty the box.)

Am I the ONLY pet who is living the life of Nirvana which such a kind and decent master?

Do any of you have any FOOD? I need FOOD! I am only 12 lbs but I am literally starving to death if I’m not eating constantly. Seriously, where is the FOOD?

I’m wore out, I need a nap for a good couple hours now. UNLESS YOU WANT TO PLAY?! DID YOU WANT TO PLAY WITH ME?! I’M IN!!

Atticus: Why does my Mom call me Asstokiss and/or The Deuce? Why does she mock me and cause me to bite my own tail? Why does she say I look like a giant melon-headed seal?

Mittens: Why did my Mom ever adopt that stupid melon-headed seal Asstokiss? And why does she let the kids call me Shittens? It’s not my fault I poop on the floor just for fun. It’s the only entertainment I have.

Can anyone give me some good tips on how to remove all this human hair from my bed?

“Some spokes of my hamster wheel are broken. Does anyone know how to fix them?”
“Since rebbel can’t seem to be bothered to do it….”

“And while we’re at it; are there pet shops that sell square hamster wheels?”

Chewy: What’s the quickest way to get a stoopid hooman out of your bed?

Yoda: Any of you felines try the new Catbra? My spay surgery left me drooping and I’m tired of flapping when I race through the kitchen.

I dreamed last night I was chasing sticks. What does this mean?

3, f, feline. Wanna cyber?

My dog, Buddy, would explain to everyone how to get the windows open so you can get out and get rid of those pesky squirrels! (And snowplows, mailmen, turkeys, pheasants, and especially cats.)

If my cat were still alive, I think she would complain about how I love books more than I love her.
But it’s not true!

Please HELP! Kropotkin has been trapped! I’m SERIOUS!

“Why does Mommy call me ‘My Little Girl’ and ‘Sweet Doggie,’ when my name’s really Sadie?”

“This is Martin the cat, and I get to sleep on Paul and Lori’s bed. I’m so much cooler than Sadie.”

“How can I stop my owner from hugging me so much?”

Why is there a tail always chasing after me, and why can I never catch it?

“Someone help! Is my owner just using me for sex?”

Lol…...

Jessie: Why is Chyna on the computer so much when she could be playing with me?

Gabby: What is the best way to get even when my slave laughs at me?

How to sneak live animals in the house to play with later?

Why won’t my human eat the food I bring her?

Why does my mom (ruin) spice all the meat and cook it?

Want to see a tutorial about sprawling in the middle of a queen size bed and making your human sleep on the edge of the bed?

What is that goopy wet cold stuff that stay on the ground most of year and how do I get rid of it?

“How can I get the little girl I live with to stop dressing me up in silly costumes?”

My goose Marwyn would say
” I am the best cared for goose in America, perhaps the entire world.”
” My mistress built the wife and I a custom barn, with shuttered windows and a gooseport and put up his & hers beach umbrellas over our his & hers sparkling swimming pools.”
“She landscaped our corral with Smoke Trees and lovely sprawling bamboos and she lets us out every day to play and graze on the big lawn.”

” She feeds us the best, Mazuri waterfowl chow, delicious cracked corn and we get evening 10,000 grain bread treats and floating salad bars of the most delectable organic greens.”
“All of this and in return, all we have to do is look beautiful wandering around and keep the Jehovahs Witnesses off the property, which we do with joy.” lol
Witnesses beware you will be goosed and Marwyn has a killer left hook, er wing punch, that will leave a knot on your head. haha

Oh, another question Buddy would ask: “How can I get my owners to quit walking through those horrible puddles?!” Or, “How can I avoid puddles?!”

Chloe Does anyone know what this ugly, stinky creature is doing in my house? And why is it taking my humans away from me?!

Daisy Who’s she calling ugly? Wait…what’s that smell? Is that treats? TREATS?! OMG TREATS!!!

Should I, Anuschka the hamster, be afraid that I will end upone day as sliced ham?

I’m the Dog here. That’s D-O-G to you. I’m the brown one. I am in charge of everything and that includes this space here, see I just peed on it. Ok so now you know, I own you….oh shit here comes the crazy dog

I am the black crazy dog. I am in charge, the brown one probably just told you she was funny I own everything. She thought she was smart she would try to get my bed by barking at the invisible person in the window at first I believed her so I would go and check like any man of the house would do…nothing!!! So I’d go back to lay down and the bitch would be all curled up on my bed! So I got her back, I started doing it to her. Oh and not to mention she won’t tell you the fact that I do indeed own the bitch because I’ve peed on her head 3 times. Lol. Holy crap here comes the cat.

I’m the 17yr old siamese cat. I can’t see anymore, so thank God for talk n text and the fact it understands kitty. I hate the dogs. I do own everything and that’s a fact and if you don’t believe me I will contest by meowing loudly until you give me what I want. Unless your that black dog then I will swat you like this ikhfgcfbjgdu!!!

Why did my person take away that new toy (tennis ball) he and I were plating with yesterday?

(Answer: Your strong jaws were breaking down the inside of the ball and it was about to split open. I was afraid you’d chew it up and swallow the pieces. We’ll just go back to plating with your extra heavy-duty Kong toy.)

My insanity workouts – dragging shoes around the house and howling – aren’t working, does anyone have any tips?

How can I get my mum to stay home every day?

Each day my human mum goes out to work and even though I hide under the table and sulk to make her feel bad, she still leaves. I have even tried howling at the fence but she still gets in that metal thing and goes away. She tells me she has to go so she can afford my dog food and my treats. I would happily give up my treats if she would stay home. What can I do to persuade her to stay here with me?

My kitties talking on Fluther;

Catastrophe; What do pillows have that I don’t have?

Satan; Oh shut up. Be a MAN. Jeez man.

Catastrophe; BUT I LIKE BEING HUGGED.

Satan; She hugs us TOO MUCH. Sick of this shit.

Catastrophe; Cmon man, you have to have a soft spot somewhere.

Satan; I do. Here. ’‘bats Catastrophe upside the head’’ Now where’s the food?

’‘Catastrophe runs off into the bed.’’

Satan;...hey man, no hoggin’!

’‘runs off into the bed’’

Symbeline, popping out from under all the pillows; KITTIES! ’‘huggles’’

Satan; Damn it.

Catastrophe; WEEEEEEEEEE!!

Satan; I’m hungry. Let go, SLAVE.

Catastrophe; WEEEEEEEEE!!

Well I didn’t answer this properly, but trying to turn my cats’ personalities into human types is hard work. Satan is a big ol tough male kitty who takes shit from no one, and Catastrophe is a big, attention seeking wuss. And ’‘Catastrophe’’ is not a play on words, I named him in French, and the French word (spelled the same) has no relation to the French word for cat. (chat)

I had another cat named Cauchemar years ago, and he’d be all like;

So, when your owner is at work, where do they hide the food? Urgent, please answer quickly. ..oh fuck you guys, I’ll find it myself.

And he did. Man I was so pissed…I come home from work, and the cat food bag was dragged from out the cupboards all the way into the living room, the food all over the place and-

Cauchemar; That was fucking awesome.

Symbeline; No it wasn’t.

Satan; It was.

Catastrophe, eating all the food.

Satan; That’s it bro…’‘pounces’’

Catastrophe; WEEEEEEEEE!!

Cauchemar, watching from above; Tsk tsk. Kids.

Oh yeah…so what would they ask;

Satan; Where’s the best alley to pick up chicks?
How do you destroy cars?
Is my owner The Terminator? Why do her clothes smell funny?
Where can I find steel claws?

Catastrophe; Name your favorite soft spot in the living room?
How do I destroy pillows? (he would never do that though, because I’m pretty sure he knows how)
Who can huggle me when my owner isn’t around?
Why is my tail so freakishly long?
I dreamt that I killed a bug. Am I evil? :(

Cauchemar, back when he was alive;

…what the fuck is this shit? (his first Winter as a kitten, he wouldn’t stop looking at the falling snow through the window. He looked hypnotized)
What’s your favorite box?
where is the food stashed?
lawlz what’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done? I pooped in the tub once! WIN!
A turtle just bit me. How do I get all that hair back? (seriously, that happened)

My pet turtle Tiamat, that I had way back when;

Yo man, where’s the beef?
You ever been on the carpet? I don’t like to brag, but yeah, the carpet is awesome.

@Coloma I have a question for Marwyn, if he’s still near the keyboard:

How did you hack the Bush emails? The jig is up, Guccifer!

@Symbeline I want Satan and Schrodinger to meet. Mostly because Dinger hasn’t had his arse properly kicked yet. He keeps winning fights. Getting a bit of a head.

@Symbeline: Do your cats speak French? :D

Why isn’t there pet-accessible cat food packaging? Don’t they get it? I got paws. Not hands!

@mattbrowne There is. It is called mice, birds, lizards and gophers. lol
My guys have a country buffet at their clawt tips. haha

@mattbrowne You should tell that to Dinger. He just devastated another bag of kibble. All over the kitchen. Sigh.

@Seek_Kolinahr OMG, yes. When I’ve made the mistake of leaving a new bag of cat kibble out of the pantry, my cats destroy it, then spend the next several days barfing up globs of undigested cat food that they just had to eat simply because it was available. And both of my cats are declawed, so they use their teeth to rip it open. No throwing sharp objects at me for the “d word”!!!

The cat’s picking on me again.

Hint: when I do not eat the Tuna that you placed before me, it really does mean that I don’t like Tuna!

Costello—(cat) hey, you had me shaved, turn off the AC!!!!
Abbott – (cat) I am more friendly because you had me shaved and now I sit on your lap to keep warm——Turn off the AC!!!!!!
Snap (dog) let’s leave the baldies home and go for a ride in my truck. Also—how do I get the treat jar open. I have simple requests-unlike the ‘demon twins’ who always want to lean on me. Shave them again and this time, keep them in the crates!!!