I would suggest therapy. It is a complex issue. There are many linked components.
Low self esteem, choosing unworthy partners, this may be done with the intent of maintaining emotional distance and always having the upper hand, or it could be repetition of childhood pattern; trying to understand or codependency.
Let’s see there is inability to truthfully express current emotions. Being informed or living through the lens of the past or projecting a certain behavoir into the future without ever trying to modify it by expressing how it makes you feel. Isolation and the safety of it. Bitterness.
Learning what a healthy trust is. How to safely build it. To not be shut off from your own emotions. Stop projecting other’s emotions.
I took my first steps without therapy. I found someone who I trusted exclusively. And he was worthy. But I put a lot of pressure on him and projected a lot. We talked a lot of about my past and he was very supportive. He never encouraged to seek outside help or extend my circle of trust beyond him. I didn’t learn red flag behavoirs. My sense of normal and wrong was off. I was desensitized. I still didn’t know how to determine healthy levels of trust with someone.
And to me it was an all or nothing proposition. When really trust is of degrees. Communication, I statements and listening.
I eventually went to counseling. I read some self help books. Books about boundaries, instinct, intimacy etc. I learned about codependency, balance, self empowerment, generational patterns went to a support group or two one of them was a woman’s class sponsered by the woman’s shelter called changing patterns. It helped a lot. Art therapy was great too.
What I am saying is it has been a long process. One I stumbled through mostly without counseling. I took breaks. I veered off course. Reverted back to unhealthy patterns. All of which I feel has given me a level of awareness and I have learned much from my mistakes. But the path I took is not the most logical point A to point B.
It is better to get validation and help and get walked through the process.
Figure out areas that are lacking, maybe a list like the one I listed above and keep it. And when the person plateaus go back to the list try a different approach, a new therapist, a different group. Stay focused and change comes.
If therapy is initially too big of a step, having to open up to a stranger, try journaling and reading first. But eventually biting the bullet I found myself bursting when I went.
Remember to take self help books with a dash of salt. If it doesn’t resonate don’t force it.
Sorry I couldn’t be more help.