Your 21 year old daughter splits with her boyfriend. You say...

Say nothing substantive; make vague soothing and loving noises only; give no counsel or advice.

All you can do is hold her while she grieves. Nothing you can say will help until the pain lessens.

^^The Wise Women of Fluther have spoken with one voice.

Nothing.

Guys always think they have to fix shit stuff. Just be there and listen to her. If she asks for something, answer.

Go make snow angels with her.

In the sand?

@zensky Sand angels would work too. Just do something with her rather than letting her grieve in silence. There aren’t words that will help.

Poor baby. Watching reruns of FRIENDS.

@zensky Its just about doing things to keep her mind off it. I think sand angels would be a funny distraction!

Your thoughts seem pretty much correct to me. I had the same situation, even somewhat worse – no details here – and all I could do was tell her that I’d support whatever decision she had to make. I think she made the right one, too. I’d bet so will yours. And even the wrong decision can usually be corrected later.

Sucks. I wish I could alleviate the pain. Breaking up is hard to do oo.

@zensky I hate to do this to another male, but you could take her shopping, probably for shoes. But anything would work.
Edit This is so sexist but it works.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

OK.

Just be there for her if she needs you. Ask her if you can do anything. If she says no, respect that. She is an adult and should learn how to deal with pain without falling apart.

Shopping to get over a break-up? I don’t think so.

Loving and listening – not talking – are where it’s at.

I’m not at that stage yet, thankfully, she’s just a little young yet for relationships with boys, although to be fair, she does have a lot of pals who are boys, more than girls come to think of it.
When the time comes I imagine i’ll be overprotective of my “little girl” & watch these boys like a hawk. About your situation I can only prescribe one route, be there for her in whatever capacity she requires, they never stop being your kids…daww!

Bubby – you don’t like shopping for shoes? Marry me?

“I’m sorry you’re so hurt and upset,” or something equally vague but compassionate.

If you say anything negative about the ex-boyfriend, you’ll offend your daughter—she chose him, after all—and make her defensive. In fact, she might go running back into his arms just to prove how wrong you are.

If you tell her that it’s better to have loved and lost, or that she’ll find someone else, or some other platitude, she’ll give you a mental (or actual) eyeroll and get annoyed that you’re so unsympathetic.

I looked back to when I was 21 when I realized that my first love wasn’t coming back. What would I have wanted my mom to do? Listen, talk, spend time with me, watch TV with me, and not-not-not discredit anything I thought or felt at that moment. I’d like for her to have said compassionately, “It’s tough, give it time,” not “This too shall pass,” in her singsong voice.

No shoe shopping for me either- feels lame and forced. Movies, dinners out, bookstore visits—anything that allowed for company but not conversation would’ve been perfect.

Zen, I doubt you messed up- I see you as a terrific dad.

(If my father had taken me shopping for shoes after one of my young-love -crises, I would have felt that both he and I needed to be committed. However, maybe contemporary dads are different.)

Listen. Very important you listen to her as she vents, and you should let her vent. DO NOT take sides, remain neutral. If you say good things about her ex, she will see it as a lack of support. If you say bad things about her ex, and they make up, she will remember the bad things you said forever.

@gailcalled No fear – I am not a contemporay Dad. Notwithstanding, @linguaphile I aim to be a good one. What I have done is shared this post with my daughter and we are having fun and laughing and crying together. Thanks jells.

@linguaphile

After my brother and I had moved our Mom to an assisted living facility, we began the long, arduous process of clearing-out her house. Mom had been in her house for 40 years, so every drawer, cupboard, and closet was packed with things.

In my old bedroom, I found a letter that I’d written at age 21 (it was dated). For whatever reasons, I’d kept, rather than sent, the letter. I’d poured-out my love for some guy, expressed my deep regrets about having left him, and said that I’d never stop blaming myself or missing him. As you can imagine, the language was very flowery and passionate; I even addressed the letter to “My darling” instead of his name.

You can probably guess what’s coming… When I found the silly letter, after all those years, I had no idea of the subject’s identity! The unforgettable love-of-my-life was long forgotten. I could remember a few possible candidates from that period of time, but I don’t know which one inspired me to write such sappiness.

I’m guessing that you, too, got past your age 21 romance fairly quickly. Life can be so good at letting us move on.

She loved this one ^ especially, Sadie.

Hey, just love her and appreciate that once again you’re the most important man in her life. If she is sad, say “I’m sorry you’re hurting.” Let her have her feelings and don’t offer to much advice. Just listen and give her a hug.

Don’t try to help her by saying what you think will help….it probably won’t….just do something with her, take her out, get her mind off it. Let her talk if she wants.

I wish I had been as wise as Sadie. I wonder if I had to married the guy that made my hormones crazy when I was 20 if I would remember him now?

My daughter just walked in, so I showed her this & asked her how she might react in the not so distant future. Her first reaction…”Eww, boyfriends!!” Her second…“Their loss!” Atta girl :¬)

@zensky: Would your daughter like to address the collective? If nothing else, it may be distracting.

I think the real question here is, what are you going to do now with all that rope and lime?

She’s gone beddy bye.

Dude, a father’s job is to love his daughter no matter what. Support her. Listen to her. But don’t pretend to have much advice. Unless you have some kind of wonderful universal advice that works for all breakups.

It takes time.

Of course, you know better than to tell her what you thought of him. At least, not for another ten years or so.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’m here if you want to talk.”

@SadieMartinPaul I love your story! But, ehh… I’m sure if I hadn’t been raising that guy’s kid, I’d have said the same… “Bobby, who??!!” My judgment about guys at 21 was, like you said, flowery and passionate, and, I should add, totally devoid of rational thought. Let’s blame John Hughes’ films for that :D

The poems I wrote at that time are extremely embarrassing (...you wore my love as your shroud.. etc) but I don’t look back at myself at that age with any bad feelings at all, melodramatic as I was. I miss having that energy—I love working with teenagers and those in their early 20’s because their world-view is often so enthusiastic and involved— it’s an excellent gift for that age group, even with its flip-side.

Thanks for the smile!

Be grateful she is with you sharing her grief. My first great loss was when I was away at college and I just didn’t go home for Easter vacation because I didn’t want to share the situation with my parents. I stayed alone in the dorm and gave myself a week to get over it.

I’m sorry you are hurt, I love you and give her lots of hugs and listen. That’s about all you can do. Don’t bag the ex. They just might get back together!

Don’t criticize her ex. She still has an emotional attachment to him, and she won’t like it.

Chocolate might help… not shoes… yet. In time, shoes may help. Not yet though.

Maybe I am alone in this but I always enjoyed going for a road trip, music blaring windows down, and wind up at a bonfire or go target practice.
Go for a long exhilerating hike, rally some beat up pos until it died.

Come to think about it, those were really fun times. I guess I wasn’t all that broken up over most of the guys.

@rosehips GA – she is learning to drive – so a roadtrip with speakers blaring sounds great. Here is the forst song I’m putting on the jukebox

@Jeruba @Bellatrix You are right, of course.

And the shooting range sounds good, too.

@rosehips Then this one

Hey babes: I’m outta questions… why not ask a roadtrip music question? Get the jellies to help us put together a playlist for the open highways and the top down…

Good ones zen. I’d love to help out but I’m all out of questions too.

So let’s make this a roadtrip thread!!!!!

Yeah.

I love roadtrips. I’m in.

Now I’m a horny mess

A road trip sounds like fun. What’s our departure point and when?

Perhaps we should start a new thread for this trip. Who wants to be leader? Not it.

OMG (heheh) I have ear plugs in and the volume turned up when bad to the bone came on. I just about fell off my chair!

I agree with the just be there suggestions. Don’t try to fix it, you can’t, simple as that!

Meet me here: – ROADTRIP!