How do you cope with your existential aloneness?

I discuss that issue with all my friends.

Yes – but when you’re so low you think your friends are all sick of you?

By getting up and doing stuff. I find if I stay busy, these types of thoughts do not consume me.

Are you dating yet? I’d ask friends to set me up on dates and/or set myself up through trusted computer dating sites.

I revel in it. Quiet is my favorite sound (sound of silence anyone?), second is laughter.

Suicidal thoughts, what else?

I become involved in things I love. For me it is graphic design. Hours pass while I feel absolutely focused and at peace. Sometimes if I dream of someone caring about me, in that moment, I ask myself what would they do for me? Would they cheer me up by:

offering me an ice-cream?, or taking me to the beach, for a drive, or a picnic? Then I do it for myself. I do try to be my own best friend.

If I could I would do more, like be on the end of the phone for a help line, or aid people who are also lonely. But I do enjoy my aloneness.

I don’t recommend keeping yourself behind a computer because like someone mentioned before nothing cures aloneness And loneliness quite like getting out of the house and staying active mentally, physically, and socially. But if you’re on the unique side finding common interest with people over the Internet is not that hard to do (easier than real life). I personally have an online friend who actually cures my aloneness because of how long we can talk about common interests. You just have to know yourself.

I love that you used the word “aloneness” and not “loneliness.” Two very different things, and I’m hopeful the latter doesn’t apply to you.

Stay active; and I can say with some authority that your friends are not sick of you, @janbb. You’ve got a fluther of jellies that adore you. You’re not alone.

I am actually very good in being an einzelganger, @janbb.
Been alone for years and only a few times, for a short period of time, I felt alone.
Not enough time(s) to feel shitty about it.

not very well

By Fluthering. Then I am not alone. Only existential.

By not participating in existentialistic thought, mostly.

By not thinking about my existential loneliness, I have no reason to be bothered by it.

Same way I did when I was a little kid, I guess. Laughing at myself.

@rebbel An einzelganger?

Oops, ein einzelgänger.
bab.la

@rebbel But what does it mean?

Sorry, what is “existential aloneness” exactly?

So far, it sounds like some philosophical puzzle that preoccupies the mind to a point of social interference.

One can overcome one’s aloneness by reaching out a compassionate hand to someone else, doing something altruistic for society or someone else.

Aloneness is self centered. Remove yourself from the center and one does not have to deal with aloneness.

I distract myself because I can’t do anything about it.

I do well entertaining myself alone and in my head.

I don’t believe it’s possible to be alone, not when you have many cherished memories/experiences to draw on, no amount of solitude can ever erase those emotions.

No need to “cope” with things that are the basic truths of existence.
We are all sort of encased in our skin, so I guess we are in a fashion alone on our own little island. But that is the truth of life.
You gotta pretty weird to be troubled by elemental truths, like mortality, disappointment, occasional fear and anxiety, etc.
Accept them and move on, or damage your psyche and have an unhappy life. It is a choice you make.

We are, all of us, irredeemably and essentially alone. We are locked inside our heads and bodies and there is no way to know, for sure, that there is anyone else out there. Hell. We can’t even be sure about ourselves. Yet our own self is the only person we know for sure exists. We think, right? Assuming anyone else besides me really things, and the evidence is not very convincing on that.

And I’m not being snide about that. I assume it is the same for everyone—if there is anyone else.

We assume there are other people because they act in ways we can identify with to some degree. So we assume that inside their heads things are going on that are similar to what goes on inside ourselves. We assume they feel the same emotions we feel.

But we can’t know this. Not for sure. We can never be inside anyone else’s head and so we don’t know for sure that anyone else is out there, and this is the essence of existential loneliness.

The thing is, it is the same whether we have a love in our life or not. No matter how close you are to someone else, you aren’t really inside them. You are not them. And so you can not for certain break that existential barrier.

So people invented God. With God, you could feel another entity who was both outside of you and inside you. In this way we make it possible to not feel alone. God is there. God is inside us, and yet also outside of us. God is what connects us to others. God makes us feel not alone. Existentially.

Except this doesn’t work if you think that God is a fiction people invent in order to not feel totally alone in the universe. Then, you must somehow connect with others without faking yourself out. And to do that, you must be involved. You must surround yourself by people. You must do things for others and with others and do this constantly so that you can come to believe the reality of others inside your own bones.

You do this for fear of becoming like me. For if you can not feel others inside your bones, your bones will burn.

Metaphorically, of course.

Two words: it passes.

I like solitude and I don’t get enough of it so it’s been many years since I felt too much aloneness. There is a freedom in being alone and what you do with that freedom, once you’ve fulfilled all of your basic responsibilities to yourself and others is the creative part. Many acts of creation have underlying fears. Self creation is probably the most exciting yet anxiety prone type of creation. I like that you said existential because that is essentially THE existential dilemma,self creation. You are an empty nester and so it is a transitional period for you in many ways. Being a mother and wife carries so much responsibility that you barely have time to think of what you’d LIKE to do with your time. There’s always something that needs to be done.

At times when I feel a sort of lull, or boredom or restlessness, or desire for some unnamed thing in my life I just start anywhere with anything until I hit on what engages me. I might go for a walk, go to the museum, find some new music, draw, redecorate the house, read any random book that I haven’t gotten around to, whatever. Soon enough something excites me and then I go from there. I can get a little manic (not seriously manic, just excitable manic) sometimes. I get caught up in things and I will go off on a tangent. I like feeling that way. It makes me feel alive. So I always liked the phrase, find your joy. It’s out there, you just have to keep seeking for it.

Just sit and stare it in the face and can’t wait till it’s all over!

Where’s thorninmud when we need him?
The idea that we are all discrete entities locked inside our brains, controlling our bodies, separate from the rest of the world, is a way of thinking that we have been conditioned into. It’s as much a myth as Ceiling Cat.

”offering me an ice-cream?, or taking me to the beach, for a drive, or a picnic? Then I do it for myself. I do try to be my own best friend.”

@shippy: I like that.

@cookieman Should i give myself a hug then?

Y’all seem to be operating with a misunderstanding of existentialism. It is aloneness, sure, but it is an optimistic aloneness. Existence before essence means that we, as our limited human selves, can do any-fucking-thing we can conceive of. Existentialism is freedom from the notion that life, the world, or identity has to be any way in particular, and instantiates the idea that we might be whatever we already in fact are – that we can look at what we already see and unfold it to show ourselves how things stand. Existential aloneness is not a tragedy, but an opportunity.

Flunkering philoso-answer. But still rather relevant, yo.

I assume everyone else must feel like that sometimes. The feeling goes away and is replaced with an empathetic sadness for everybody else.

You need someone else to give you a big, long, hard, dreamy hug…and everything else that comes with it. That is just my opinion.

@janbb I hate being alone, in any way. I need human contact.

I seldom feel this way (since I’m a loner by nature), but it happens. When it does and it goes on for more than a couple of days, I usually decide to wallow in it. Treat myself to my favorite comfort junk foods, lay on the couch all day, and be miserable. If you kind of give in to it, you can almost enjoy the misery for a bit! Then I get up and brush myself off, remembering that it will pass.

{hugs}

I embrace my existential aloneness. I realize that there is nothing I can do to mend this problem, and just live with it. If I truly think about it, it’s not a problem at all. My thoughts are what make up my personality and if I ever give away any of it, then I won’t feel like myself anymore. It’d be like giving away pieces of my soul until nothing was left.
So, I kinda like it.

My daughter tells me that existentialism is about choice. We are free to choose our lives every moment we live. So we are free to choose to be alone or feel alone, or not.

If it’s as simple as that, @janbb, then it’s up to you. If you don’t want to experience this aloneness, then choose something else.

It sounds to me as if you could be having “gray days.” I can’t seem to copy and paste what Melody Beattie has to say about them but if you go here you can read it for yourself. The thing to remember is that the feelings are temporary, they do pass. And when they are gone, you are stronger for having endured them. Then you are a spectator to them instead of a victim of them and you can laugh in their face!

I remember the day I realized that I am essentially alone and so was everyone else. (I realize that not everyone feels this way. They count on other people to make their life what it is. I don’t. It made me feel that I had better take care of myself and not wait for anyone else to do it. I don’t follow that to the extent I might. There are people I have to look after as well and I do that because I care for them. Basically, I accept what is.

When you realize that nothing has any meaning and life is pointless and cruel, you also realize that every choice you make is a choice of freedom. You make the rules. You
supply the meaning.

Happy living!

Finding a purpose in life is the antidote to existentialism. Companionship, or being happy with solitude, is the cure for loneliness. Existential doubts and loneliness, aren’t the same thing.

Relationships are an enjoyable part of life, but there are plenty of social butterflies who doubt their place in the universe. For people like that, friendships are empty and hollow.

Fulfillment is something you can only find on your own, by finding some meaningful task, caring about it deeply, and throwing yourself into it. Other people can’t bolster you up, but being fulfilled on your own can lead to wonderful relationships.

Use this as an opportunity to think about what you really want to do, and how to get there. A lot of the time, well-meaning other people can actually hold you back from your real goals. Friends, spouses, relatives, etc., will offer well-meaning advice, but those are their opinions, not yours. People care selfishly, from the outside, and that means they want to keep you safe and offer cautious advice. It’s not always the advice they would follow, if they were in your shoes.

If you’re lonely, you’re also free to do whatever you want, whether it’s move to a new city, pursue education, or just take up a hobby you’ve always wanted to try. Being alone is almost like a superpower, because you can do whatever you want. How many people can say that?

An awful feeling for sure. It is almost synonomous with depression for me, because it is so depressing for me. I have found that planning something to look forward to is very effective at occupying my thoughts. Doing things I enjoy and trying to make new connections with new people. The tricky part is when one is depressed, a lot of the time nothing is enjoyable, it is part of the depression.

When I get to the point that I think my friends are sick of listening to me I see a therapist. Basically pay someone to listen to me. Hopefully, they will also help me in more ways then just listening.

Get into things I like, books, video games, movies. Takes me away for a while, and while I don’t feel any less lonely after that, I do feel better.

Masturbation.

Here’s how I would frame the problem:

On one hand, there’s the longing for union. All of us were born into union. To the baby, there is no idea of “me” as separate from “others”. There’s only this One. Even his clench-fisted crying is a proclamation of this oneness. The whole universe participates in that cry. While this oneness could rightly be called “aloneness”, it’s an aloneness that leaves nothing out.

But we don’t—and can’t—remain in that oneness. To live as a human being is to develop a sense of a self that’s separate from others. So oneness gives way to many-ness. This is necessary to healthy social functioning, which is why differentiation is a vital developmental step.

Now, though, we have introduced a tension: Even though separateness is now the dominant paradigm, an intuition of oneness lingers like an ancestral memory, keeping us from fully buying into separateness as the ultimate truth. You can make an intellectual case for separation, but it’s profoundly unsatisfying on an intuitive level. There’s a persistent feeling that separation isn’t the whole story.

So I understand this question to be about what do you do with that tension. First, consider the possibility that although the “separateness” paradigm now occupies the foreground of your consciousness, oneness hasn’t actually gone anywhere. Perhaps you’ve just built your world of separateness on top of that primal oneness, to use a clumsy metaphor.

If that’s the case—if oneness is still right there but unrecognized, an open secret—then the experience of oneness is still open to us…for a price. You can’t both hold onto your sense of a separate self and access oneness. The self has to be allowed to fall away. As soon as that’s done, oneness is right there, where it’s always been. You have always been everything that is, alone in your completeness, but you’ve forgotten that in your struggle to be you.

You still can’t live in this rediscovered oneness—not for long, anyway. You have to once again take a place among others. But now you know for certain that this game of “self and other” is only oneness at play. And that makes all the difference.

I’ve come to accept it. “We are born alone, and we die alone.”

Even if I am fortunate to have my beloved by my side when I breathe my last breath, he can not share that experience with me. For a while, I cynically thought that there was no point to pursuing a committed partnership, because ‘until death do us part’ still ends with parting.

But my philosophy has evolved to where I currently believe that the ‘purpose’ of life is to live. Tomorrow is not guaranteed, and none can know which day will be their last. Therefore, it behooves us to experience life to the fullest extent of our sensory experiences.

We know that we can’t take material things with us, so what can we take? What ultimately defines the value of our human existence? Love. It is the only thing that grows deeper and stronger within us the more we share it with others and give it away. It is our most lasting legacy.