How do you perceive pain and do you find it socially acceptable to express it?

Generally I hide it when out among the public.

Most people hide their physical pain from what I have witnessed. Well, not exactly hide, but they present themselves as not being in pain. It is impossible to know if someone is in discomfort at a glance. Many chronic pain sufferers complain that they are misunderstood, because people don’t really empathize. If we had a knife sticking out of our body everyone would be freaking out around us that we are suffering, but the same pain without the visible cause, people don’t always believe there is pain or easily forget we are in constant pain.

I think it is acceptable to let people know you are in pain. If you need help, or an exception of some sort.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. Plenty of people complain about insignificant things until it all sounds like white noise. Maybe they don’t really want help with their problems; they just want someone to listen to them.

I think there’s a balance. People shouldn’t whine about every little thing, but they shouldn’t keep everything bottled up, either. Maybe the best rule of thumb is to try to solve things yourself, and only ask for help when you really need it.

Interesting question. I’ve always admired people (in the movies—think Gregory Peck, and in real life—my Mom) who are able hide their physical or emotional pain, though I’m not sure whether I believe that’s a good or bad thing. I’m like my dad, who seemed to have a very low tolerance for any kind of pain and wanted you to know it. When I’m happy or sad or worried or hurting physically, I want the world to take care of me.

I was raised in the stereotypical big boys don’t cry family and I always hid it. That’s not always good. I remember when I tore the cartilage in one of my knees, and the doctor is tugging on my knee and I stayed silent. My mother yelled at me to tell him when it hurt. I can’t stand whiners though. So there is a balance.

To other male friends and I bitch about it, I don’t expect sympathy.

The only exception to this is out wilderness camping. We are all dependent upon each other and if you have some kind of problem you mention it right away, no matter how minor, so that it can be addressed immediately and you do not become a burden to everyone else.

I have learned to speak about my pain.

Most people are made very uncomfortable by other people’s pain. If they perceive this pain to be real, they don’t know what to do, because they want to fix it and can’t. If they perceive the pain to be exaggerated, they want the person in pain to stop complaining.

Occasionally, we run into people who are either trained to understand pain, or have somehow learned to tolerate other people’s pain. These are the few people who can comfortably cope with the pain of others.

In addition, we usually have one or two friends who we can say anything to, and these are people we may be able to be open with about our pain.

Other than that, the reactions we get to expressing pain teach us not to do it. So it isn’t really that we are strong and silent and bear up under pain. Really it’s that most people hate hearing about pain, and therefore most of us try to keep it under wraps, as much as possible. We hide it. We hide ourselves when we are in pain, and we keep a stiff upper lip when in public. No crying.

I am no different from most people. I will not show my pain. I will always try to be positive and hopeful. If I’m ever in pain, the only way you will know is because I’m not here. No one is really comfortable around the pain of others, and I would never willingly inflict discomfort on anyone. It’s not worth it. It costs too much.

In the long run, no matter what people say, they would rather that you disappear than let them know you are in pain. If you share your pain, they may act sympathetic in the moment, but they will drop you, either quickly or slowly, if you continue to complain. I bet there is not a person here who has not dropped someone because they complained too much. Best not to complain at all. Ever.

And when you think about it, what does complaining do? Nothing. So why bother? If you focus on changing your own attitude, you are more likely to make a difference then by venting. So really, not complaining about pain is the best policy.

I speak about it – particularly the emotional pain – to friends. It helps; but it also sometimes makes me feel weak and needy.

Unless the pain is debilitating, hindering my activites, and requires an explanation—for example, if I can’t walk down a flight of stairs because of a knee injury—I keep it to myself. Does anyone really want to listen to me complain about every little discomfort and irritation?

Right now, I have some kind of infection behind my front teeth and into the roof of my mouth. It’s inflamed and really quite painful. If it doesn’t get better within a few days, I’ll make an appointment with my dentist. But, I haven’t mentioned this to anyone.

I talk about my pain mostly because I am past it, now. Although when I was in it, I spoke about it here. I did not speak about it in real life, except with my therapist, wife, and psychiatrist, and a few other relatives who share the same disorder, because it was shameful and I would have burned my bridges to my family.

I did, eventually, share my pain with my best friends, and I shouldn’t have. Now they are no longer friends. Life goes on.

I shared my pain with my local friends, and that turned out all right. They understood. Or maybe they see me regularly, and it doesn’t really matter. We do other things. The pain was not a big deal.

Now I share my story (which had pain, but isn’t about current pain) with others in order to let them know they are not alone. Others are in the same boat or have been in the same boat. I think it helps some people. I hope so. It offers sympathy and hope, I hope.

With physical pain, I wince a little, but walk it off. I see girls who complain about every little hindrance and it angers me. Seriously, just because you fell on the ground doesn’t mean you have to cry about it.

Emotional pain is mostly shared with myself, but I let it out on Fluther if the question I’m answering permits such a response.

To me, it’s better to hide your pain if you don’t think it’s a big deal because it’s just plain annoying to hear someone constantly complaining about “falling down”.
But if it’s serious, make sure someone knows about it immediately because it may damage you for life.

@rosehips Holy Crap! That’s a can of something double sized, lol. Awsome question though.

If you’re too strong, you either aliente others or you convince them you actually are made of titanium (the highest strength-to-weight ratio of any metal) and they won’t ever think you need them (or anyone). Either way you end up alone.

If you are too sensitive, you become a martyr or food for the pack.

I think both ideolgies come from a human survivalist_ stand point. (I qualify this by pointing out that we at once glorify the ‘strong’ and care for the ‘weak’.)

I’m not very good at hiding my pain. I think it’s part of my open book personality, like it would feel deceptive to me to hide it or something, so it never even occurs to me that I should hide it. It would probably make people more comfortable if I did. Something to work on, maybe.

@augustlan I think it is because you are in chronic pain and I don’t think any of the other people who answered above have that. I hate to assume, but none of the other answers seem to understand what it is like to be uncomfortable for months and years. When chronic pain sufferers have a new pain or ache they have trouble not mentioning it because it would be akin in emotional pain terms to someone having lost their spouse and then while in mourning also losing a parent and then a few months later their child. Relentless! Unfair! Pushed to the brink of what we can handle. If you had cancer (God forbid) and complained people would likely be more understanding. Unfortunately you have a more invisible problem like many chronic pain sufferes. The truth is you stifle your complaints all day long I bet. All day most days. It’s easy to do when you are sick for just a week or two, you can be a good trooper, but daily for years? People who have never been through that have no idea.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with expressing pain. I think the people who care about us wouldn’t want us to feel we need to hide it.

Sorry about not getting back to this right away. I really appreciated the responses.

@JLeslie It seems as if you have a very balanced approached to this. It is true about the knife sticking out of your back thing. I think with chronic pain sufferers there is a certain amount of psychosomatic pain involved though. I think a part of that stems from constantly acting like there is no pain. That this is the new normal. It wears on a person. Chips them away. But no one sees or recognizes it and they start wondering themselves.

@Haleth White noise and chronic complainers do have a tendency to push people away. There must be a weird balance to it. Who knows what that is though.

@Pachyderm_In_The_Room I think we all secretly want to be taken care of. You make a good point about our heroes seemingly are impervious. I wonder if that is changing or people’s portrayals of heroes have always varied along the spectrum. Maybe we just all want to secretly believe we can get to a place where all the bad just rolls off. Hard to do an action sequence with someone limping and crying.

@Adirondackwannabe Wow that is an extreme incident. Perhaps you learn your lessons a little too well.

@rojo Wilderness heightens the of pain and the danger of wounds. I have been in a few scrape ups that I wondered if I would get out of just because of limited supplies the need for self reliance and few ill timed events. Though I will say I was thinking about zombies and bites when I read that. : )

@marinelife I am trying to learn too. It is hard. It feels silly and embarrassing. But I am being to think it is essential to my well being and feeling less isolated.

@burntbonez I used to agree 100%. But come to find out complaining does achieve something. Intangible somethings. It helps you feel less trapped within your pain and circumstance. It helps people find your humanity instead of cloaking it. And it prevents you from extending yourself too far. Or people’s expectations of you being too high. Hell. It helps reevaluate your own expectations of yourself and try to determine whether or not they are realistic.

@janbb Repressing stuff seems to cause more problems. I think some level of expression makes you stronger. You are strong enough to be vulnerable round others. You are also not trying to bury toxic pain underneath you. Meaning you are releasing it and allowing other things to feed and nourish you.

@SadieMartinPaul Hope you get to the bottom of that tooth pain. Oral hygiene is very important to your over all health.

@wundayatta I think that you are able to speak about your pain even if it is just in the past tense speaks of growth. I think your experiences help others and people appreciate you reaching out to them. Your pain is experience and you have turned it into something useful and positive. Good for you.

@BBawlight I guess the hard part is sometimes figuring out what is the dangerous pain or not. Sometimes things can start out pretty small and if not taking care of or properly managed turned into something else entirely.

I see what you mean though. The attention seekers. The people who seem to manipulate with pain.

@kitszu It had never occurred to me to see it quite this way. You are absolutely right. There is also danger being at either extreme. People either want to take you down to prove themselves or eventually grow weary of picking up theirs and yours.

@augustlan Nah I don’t think so. You have barely mentioned it on here. If people don’t accept you or are uncomfortable with it let them move on. Open book works for me. Chronic pain is mentally, emotionally draining. Not to mention physically. It is also depressing. Maintaining balance is hard enough with out trying not to inadvertently annoy some person who has no idea just how strong you have to be to put up with it.

@JLeslie Well said.

@Mariah Right you are.

@rosehips Psychosomatic? Sorry, no. I don’t agree. I think that is rarely the case. See that is why chronic pain sufferers are dismissed or people get tired of hearing the complaints. People don’t believe the pain is real, or they think the person is making it worse. I will say that with the right attitude some pain can be alleviated at times; when we are distracted we can sort of forget about the pain; it doesn’t register as much. But, to say psychosoatic, I hope you never find out what it is really like.

I have a very low pain threshold in all aspects. Physical pain. Emotional pain.
Physical pain, a slight cut and it would really hurt me. I try not to show too much, as I know it is pathetic. Emotional pain, unfortunately I tend to show that. Although I don’t say anything, facial expression and body language, says it all.