What have you done to keep your marriage together?

I’ve made many personal and financial sacrifices for my marriage, as well as being the main breadwinner on and off for six years plus.

I have not gone to therapy as our issues are clear cut and the change that needs to happen is my husband’s issue, not mine. He has no complaints at all.

I have had a better divorce than I did a marriage. She and I get along far better now than we did when we were married.

My longest relationship was 8 years, and it was with another female. When things got tough for us, we did try therapy, I also attended groups etc. It didn’t help really. I was just so bored. But I was still committed. Luckily I guess, she was having an affair with her best friend. But for some reason she wanted to carry on the torture for a year or so. I never really had a relationship after this I was just pretty traumatized. But yes I did all the things I was meant to do. I don’t know why it didn’t work. I cant even look back with hindsight and say why. (The therapy etc.). Sexual boredom is tough. But I don’t believe it means the end of a relationship.

@Shippy Besides the religious mores, I don’t understand why more couples don’t practice open marriages here in the US. What say you?

Apparently not enough.

@janbb Did you even get a chance to try?

@KNOWITALL I agree, we also have a great gay church or ten here! Here it is very OK to be gay. Plus to be married. (Not that we were). I know of a Pastor who is (if alive still) around 80 ish. She went to the USA to try and open people minds about being homosexual. Then landed up staying there. The gay church down the road does a lot of marriages. Since it is legal here.I don’t know what it is, perhaps too much porn making people think it’s about lust or perversion. When it is exactly the same as any relationship. The fun, the hardships, the love the broken heart! Some professional people prefer not to say they are gay. It’s a personal choice I suppose. It is weird we went from a strange oppressed, small minded country, to this progressive thinking far advanced thinking in a period of about 12 years. Strange!!

@Shippy During my lifetime, I hope to see SSM legalized, it bothers me very much. And also to see them openly welcomed in all churches.

If we could find a way to show people that loving God and loving your gay friends, is not an either/ or situation, it will happen.

How did you do that in your country?

@wundayatta You are correct; I didn’t get the chance.

I’m not sure what we did to make it as long as we have. We celebrated our 25th anniversary last fall. We’ve been laid off, had financial problems, and my being off getting shot at all over the world, and then my getting cancer and disability, my wife is a saint and has never said ‘boo’. For some reason, she stays with me. I realize we are an anomaly, but I can’t remember we ever having a serious fight and I can’t imagine ever living with another. Now I am too old to start over and get trained by another woman. She says they don’t make ‘true blue’ guys much any more. And many folks marvel that we sleep in a full size bed. We vacationed once and tried a king sized bed but I didn’t like it because I couldn’t find her. Too big.

We’ve both made compromises in certain areas, and used humor a LOT. Humor is one of the most important aspects of our marriage; we’re even silly in bed sometimes.

Compromise. Laughing. Never taking anything too seriously.

@KNOWITALL Pastor Joan, maybe started it in our city. That was years ago. She is gay and of course a minister. But her partners daughter, also became a christian and later as an adult an ordained Minister. In the old days I remember Debbie being a big clubber as we all were. So her changing had an effect on the community. I have found gay communities to be quite small in a way. So many did visit her church. Even if to just get married. Not necessarily to attend services or call themselves Christians. I never went there much myself. Just a few times. I don’t find it necessary to attend a gay church (or didn’t as this is the past to me now). I know there are some churches here that will try and change you. Definitely. But to me that is not what its all about, its about God loving you as you are.

I know Pastor Joan did a lot of work in the States, but cannot for the life of me find her surname. I met her once only. Her partner died after some 30 years of them being together and she visited another friend of mine here in SA. She was a great Pastor in all. No preaching and Gods laws stuff. She was sensible and really just spoke of Gods peace. Forgiveness and faith. She told me to turn and run, if a person threw laws in my face. And hell and brimstone!

Followed him wherever his career has taken us.

Other things I have done have not been some grand sacrifice or compromise, but he has sort of led the way on many matters. For instance, I developed an interest in his car hobby, but we both enjoy different aspects of it. I try to keep the house neater to please him, but never still quite up to par for him. Funny, when he is out of town it is easier for me to keep everything neat, even though he does not make a mess, but I have to do more when he is home. Cook more, more laundry, more errands.

I think one of the big things that keeps us together is my husband taking seriously the commitment he made. That is good and bad to me. I also think not having children in some ways made us very close, as we spend a lot of time with each other, focused on each other. But, I would assume having children bonds you in another way.

Teamwork has been the biggest thing in our marriage. Feeling united.

I never feel like anything is 100% for sure though. Even though I feel good about my marriage and our bond, I also think anything can happen in the future, and nothing is guaranteed.

@JLeslie – I agree about commitment. You have to really buy into the for better or worse part because you will definitely experience times where you want to bail. My marriage is far from perfect, but I keep showing up, day after day. Maybe I shouldn’t, but I do.

@Gabby101 I’ve never really had the feeling I want to bail, but I admit to having wondered once in a while how life would be different if we were apart. The ways my life might improve. I would bet my husband has considered bailing. I have had health problems and it was difficult physically and psychologically so that has impacted our relationship. But, he, being a typical man, has few close friendships, so I am his closest friend. I think that is probably the most meaningful part of our relationship.

My partner and I have been together about 12 years. We’ve been through a lot, mostly medical issues on both sides – and some family issues (her parents are very traditional Hindu’s – I still have yet to meet them after all these years). We’ve dealt with financial troubles here and there.
I don’t know, I have never seen our relationship as something we had to work on to “keep it together”. We rarely argue, if we do..it is something trivial that passes quickly. We both have a wonderful sense of humour and use it often. We have not been sexually intimate in quite some time (around 5 years, I think). She has almost no libido (from Lupus) and I’ve learned to live with that. Mine can be high at times but it’s not hugely important to me. Not enough to get flustered over it – it’s not something I absolutely need.

People that know us tend to see us as the cutest couple ever because we are always smiling and laughing with each other. We still cuddle and give goodbye/goodnight kisses. We are our best human friends. We love spending time together still. We know one another so well.. just one look will tell the other what is happening or what we are thinking. Our relationship is very honest (other than little nice surprises/gifts/pranks). We always talk things through. Intellectually, we mesh very well and can carry on lengthy conversations about a myriad of things.

I couldn’t imagine having any one else as my life partner.

Follow John Gottman’s advice.