Friend of my ex bf sent me a friend request on FB... Should I message him explaining why I can't accept it or leave it?

There’s no right or wrong answer to this. Do what you feel you want to but if you feel that sending an explanation will get you re-involved in a way you don’t want to, then just ignore it.

Personally, if it was me, and based on his being supportive and all that, I would allow him to be friends with you, it’s not really that big of a deal is it?

If he does or says something you don’t like or can’t live with, hey at least you gave him a chance and can feel good about yourself. I’m not sure what the drawbacks are, maybe he thought you were a neat chick.

Why can’t you accept it? This guy has done you no wrong. It’s sort of flattering that he would like to be your friend, in my opinion. So many times “friends” you make through your partner disappear after you split up and you wonder if they were ever really your friends to begin with or only associated with you because you were dating their friend. The fact that he was supportive of you through the break-up and continues to wish to be your friend must mean that he valued your friendship outside of the fact that he was friends with your ex. It also makes him sound like a good guy. Very nice, really. He wants to be your friend. Just because he’s associated with part of your past doesn’t mar him in some way (except in your own head).

Consider how you’d feel being flatly dismissed as friend material by someone who you treated kindly and were supportive of simply because they associate you with a third person they are no longer dating.

Welcome to Fluther, @Styx.

Why not accept was my first thought to. Of course, I can understand wanting to be free of things that remind you of a painful episode in the past. But @KNOWITALL and @diavolobella raise excellent point. And as @janbb says, ultimately, it’s your decision to make. If you want to decide in purely selfish terms, which is going to make you feel worse; accepting his friends request, or ignoring him and thereby hurting his feelings.

You could always message him explaining how reminders of your past BF are painful, and thanking him for his past kindness while saying no thanks to the friend request. But from the sound of it, you might be shutting the door to a friendship with a very nice person in doing so.

Send him the message about keeping the past in the past, and sign off by wishing him well. Why not? You don’t want a relationship with this person, anyway, so you don’t have to worry about burning bridges. And this way, you don’t risk him repeatedly sending a request.

I would keep any explanations brief.

Or I would just send him a message wishing him well without an explanation of why you don’t want to be his friend.

If you genuinely liked this person your relationship with him should be completely independent of your ex boyfriend and your past… Give him a go

Are you sure you need to cut out from your life all people who were friends with your ex?

I don’t see why you wouldn’t add a nice, supportive friend to your Facebook just because he’s a friend of your ex.

Leaving the past in the past is all fine and good, but this doesn’t seem like a big deal to me. It’s not like you’re marrying the guy.

If you insist on not adding him, leave it be. If I got a “why I won’t add you” explanation, I’d be more offended than if I was ignored.

I can’t imagine what someone could have done to you to make you delete not only them but also anyone they ever spoke to off your friends list. Cause to begin with it is not a big deal, it’s facebook. But I don’t get why people can’t be mature enough to stay friends with at LEAST their ex’s friends that they also had a relationship with. I can almost maybe understand deleting your ex if you really hate them. But still. It’s facebook. This person wants to be friends with you and your response is NOPE YOU ARE ASSOCIATED WITH THIS OTHER PERSON THAT I ONCE LIKED BUT NOW DISLIKE, WE CANNOT BE FRIENDS. It’s silly.

Are you worried about him using giving info to your ex?

You can’t have too many friends. Past relationships formed your present character.
Why be pissy?
Unless you are 16 or something. Then it makes sense.

The guy sounds like a pretty decent human being, he valued your friendship beyond the requirement of being his friend’s girlfriend, and he stayed supportive of you when you were at a low which a lot of people are not willing to do. And you want to reject his offers of establishing an independent friendship with you because he had the fate of being your ex’s friend?

There is a difference between accepting the past with equanimity and moving forward and running away from it, which is what you’re doing.

It’s your call but if you’re looking for a “decent” way to get rid of him there isn’t one. This isn’t logical. And he’ll feel really snubbed by you, especially since he made the effort to reach out to you back then, and now you want to throw him away as disposable.

I wouldn’t friend him. If his settings are set to “friends of friends” your ex and all his cohorts will see what you are doing. Do you want that?
Just delete the request and forget about it. If you want to message him, that’s fine.

@luckyguy. She can set her privacy settings to block the ex boyfriend and others and still friend him.

@diavolobella True. But she does not have control over what the friend does with her info. He might post something she shared with him and that would spread it to the very people she does not want to see it.
I know this is going to sound bizarre to anyone under 30 but she can actually call him and meet in the real world.

Leave it…

@LuckyGuy. True, but if she thinks he’s that untrustworthy that’s reason enough not to friend him at all.