How does one get along with elderly parents who have radically different views?

If it was me, I would choose not to confront them. They are old and set in their ways. You are not going to change their outlook on life.

On the other hand, it seems to me that you should not have to listen to them spewing hatred without being able to respond. I would say something like, “Mom, Dad, we’ll just have to agree to disagree on politics (or religion or whatever). Let’s talk about something else.”

You could call a little less frequently and write letters in the interim.

It’s a difficult situation. Good luck!

Congratulations, your current approach is correct. Listen to them without comment, and try to steer the conversation to less controversial subjects. Do not waste your breath or sense of well being on trying to confront them.

Great question! Wow. Hard to decide that. I would try it with an open and very personal letter… without insulting them… only with your point of view like you described youself in your posting.
Hope you will find the right decision for you!!!!

I don’t think you’re going to change them. But if they get to talk, so can you. I would find it hard not to inject little bits of my experience into the conversation, where appropriate. Like the stories from your travels, or people you knew, that are part of what made you grow so differently. I wonder if, given a chance, they would listen, even if they disapprove, because they want to know their son.

We are all giving the same advise, be a good listener, be neutral and don’t loose your temper.
You made your choice ans stick by it.

Since you rarely see them I think cringe and stay mostly silent. If you can stop cringing even better. Just accept they think differenty than you. If you feel dragged into a conversation, rather than offering your opinions you could ask them to further explain why they think as they do. The logic behind it, if there is logic hopefully. I find when I speak to conservatives sometimes their is a perspective I had not really understood before.

Do you think they would be open to hearing other opinions and seeing opposing information to what they read and talk about regarding politics and religion? Sometimes some conservative Christians have never really been exposed to other views, except what they see and hear in the media. That is true for liberals also and what we assume about conservatives. But, talking to real people who we love or have friendships with can tone things done and be enlightening. You know your parents, so you would know best if they are open to it.

Do you think they know you don’t agree and bring it up to persuade you? Or, do you think they have no idea you feel differently and don’t realize at all they might be bothering or offending you?

If you saw them more often I would say tell them you feel differently regarding these topics and prefer not to discuss that topic, because you are perfectly happy to agree to disagree and want to focus on discussions without so much disagreement.

My only suggestion, and not even sure whether it makes sense, is to ask them at some point,” Mom and Dad, do you want to hear what I’ve been up to?”

I too agree with the consensus of the collective.

Dear Jake, I’m in the same boat. I’m the liberal, pro-gay-marriage daughter of rabid evangelical Christian parents. My parents are divorced and remarried – but both sets are strongly anti-Obama, both are Fox-news watching tea-party types.
My mother (always the far more extreme evangelical Christian) has married a man who shares her very narrow world view and she seems to have an inability to not share her strong opinions on faith, what I should be reading and how I should be thinking.

I dread calls with my mom, truthfully. I have to tread carefully and am always quick to hang up when I see the direction of the conversation is veering towards dangerous waters like politics, church or the like.

We once brought the kids to visit them and they insisted on taking them to the Creation Museum in hopes of indoctrinating their grandkids. <sigh>
After much discussion we (hubby and I) let them take the kids and then later discussed it with the kids. They were old enough that they were able to point out a lot of scientific inconsistencies and actually found the place funny/humorous after the fact. They were respectful while they were there and just took it all in—and that was the best case scenario I could hope for… They showed respect to their grandparents, but didn’t feel compelled to believe something they found scientifically ludicrous.

The only tips I can offer (from my own arsenal) are:

1. Call only when you’re emotionally ready for it. It takes a certain level of energy to be able to be in the right frame of mind to be able to deflect their religious nonsense, but yet be able to get across the news from your life, your love for them and your desire to know how they’re doing.

2. Be ready to deflect or make excuses when you need to end the call – rather than have the topic go somewhere that you can’t abide. I will quickly make an excuse for why I need to end the call if the topic veers into total anti-Obama B.S. Or, if something is particularly bogus (like a recent statement – she told me she couldn’t go get a mammogram because of Obama care and that Death Panels had already decided that women her age can’t have a mammogram – I corrected that nonsense IMMEDIATELY with facts and asked to send her information from neutral websites that’d PROVE she could and should get a mammogram)... I correct it gently and offer to show research to help. I don’t bother trying to change her mind on anything religious or faith based—just anything totally whacked out that will impact her health or money.

3. If you need to (or can) have a conversation about what topics you just don’t want to talk about. You can even just say: “I love you – but can we please agree that we won’t talk about what kind of church I attend now?” When my mom says she’s praying for me I thank her and leave it at that.

I have the opposite problem. My son is turning into a right wing nut. It’s miserable. I am trying to back off but it breaks my heart.

When the topic changed to something I didn’t want to hear, I remember holding the phone away from my ear until I heard the talking had stopped. Then I’d start talking about whatever I wanted to when she came back on the line.
” I’ve told you how I feel when you bring that up, so why do you insist one mentioning it again?” If it continues just say, “Bye, Mom.” and hang up.
You’re not going to change them, but you shouldn’t have to listen to rants.
Patience and repetitive refusals to listen may (or may not) help.

Accept them. Don’t expect any changes, know that they are as they are. Limit your visits and maybe take them on an activity like miniture golf. to avoid hearty discussions. It’s difficult I know, but just as they want to change you, you can’t change them either.

Don’t challenge them don’t ask them not to discuss any subjects but in every call make sure you describe a little of your world to them. Be the ray of sunshine that penetrates their prison and isn’t overcome by darkness.

“The subjects of Christianity, church, Jesus and the Christian god, and their hatred of our current US President come up in every conversation.”

People tend to discuss what’s on their mind. What’s on their mind is input from their associations. Glenn Beck and doomsday Preachers are a powerful influence, a real one/two punch, knocking out any hope of individual thinking. Confronting that disease is more dangerous than confronting an alcoholic about their disease.

I don’t see a cure for either one. Each condition will follow them to the grave. They wouldn’t feel comfortable without it. Each would look at you as the enemy were you to attempt curing them.

Confucius said it best… “When dealing with fools, I learn from them”.

So I attempted to learn from fools the best I could. I found that avoiding them only makes them try harder to get attention. They want to express themselves. They feel as though they possess secret knowledge… gold, which must be shared with the rest of humanity before the stars fall and the earth begins spinning opposite direction. They will not be ignored.

So I decided to listen to them and understand their point of view the best I could. That understanding presents good questions to ask… not so much about what they think… but how they came to think what they think. I don’t fight them, or argue… at least I’m trying not to. It’s hard not to argue. It’s hard to listen to poison, and lies, and misinformation. Almost impossible.

But I’ve found that by letting them express themselves, giving the stage over completely to them, and then asking supportive questions about their performance… this has had a very pleasant affect. One or two sessions of this allows them to get it all out, and feel as though someone has actually heard them, and understood them for once. Like it’s something they have to get out of their system. Let them puke it out. Consider it a sickness that needs to be puked out… let them do it, and watch closely. You’ll notice they have less of a need to do it again. The episodes will become far less frequent, and weaker. Perhaps even disappear.

Combine this with medicine. The medicine you give (beyond allowing them to puke out the sickness), is to fill their minds with good substance. Get the doomsday away from them. Fill their heads with beauty. I send my mother funny cat video links from youtube… and then tell her it’s her turn to send one back to me. Anything to keep her head away from the gloom and doom crowd.

Love them.

What a courageous approach @RealEyesRealizeRealLies. I like it.

Seriously though, @Hawaii_Jake, as frustrating as it is for you, you do realize that they could be asking a similar question to likeminded people about you.

I’m just wondering if they direct the conversation or if it is a back and forth conversation where you all get to contribute and bring up topics to discuss? I’d just steer the conversation to safer more enjoyable subjects if they bring up things that disturb you. Not everyone thinks alike. Just because they don’t like our current POTUS doesn’t make them bad people. They sound perfectly sane to me.

Love you friend. Take a breath and keep hanging in there. You’ll miss them when they are gone. Trust me.

Are you calling them solely because of familial obligation? Are there any parts of the conversations that you actually enjoy?

I feel that life is too short to unnecessarily spend it with annoying people.

Thank you, all. There’s good information from each and every one of you.

When I was going through a similar situation a shrink told me to treat him in a fashion that I would not regret when he was dead. For me that made it very simple, I did not want to spend the rest of my life remembering that my last interaction was a fight that no one could win. Actually it is good advice for dealing with just about any contentious people one meets in the course of life. Good luck Jake.

I love fluther wisdom.

I think @Judi made a really important point—it probably will bother your parents more that you think differently than vice versa. It almost is on the order of compassion that you don’t make this a war of words or really drive home how differently you think about these things. It will worry them. Parents love us in a way that is byond description I figure, and them worrying about your soul for eternity and how the way you vote might harm the USA is not a worry you need to exacerbate. I think as children we forget how our parents worry about out happiness and safety, even as adults.

I still think you can chime in every once in a while if they are open to information, so there is no grand silence at times. I also would assume there are some things you do agree with them on when it comes to politics and religion, point those out when they come up.

@Hawaii_Jake, as a former fundamentalist I can tell you that your parents are probably terrified for your eternal soul. Your mom probably lies awake at night in visioning the devil lapping at your ankles with his fiery tongue.
Since you have been deceived by the evil one nothing you say to make her feel better or point out the error of her thoughts will have any authority.
The best you can do is say, “I love you mom” and let the rest roll in one ear and out the other.

You and I are in the same boat. These people are too stuck in their ways. They are happy with their current lifestyle and philosophy. What would their need to change be? The best you can do is to continue doing what makes you happy and disregard their opinions.