Have you ever thought about not going any further? (Not seriously contemplating it but it's in my head)

Yes I have.

@janbb I tried to delete this three times, but I’ll leave it out there now. Life is hard.

@janbb and @Adirondackwannabe I wish I could reach through the ethernet and give you both great big hugs. Thank you so much for leaving this question here and not deleting it. Thank you for sharing with us.

metanoia.org has a great, emboldened statement on its main page. It reads, Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain. I think reaching out for help in hard times is the right thing to do. I’ve done it.

I’ve been in the bottom of that black pit of despair where no light shines. Not even a pin prick of light. A friend on the phone helped get me out. You are reaching out, and I hope you find the help you are searching for.

@Hawaii_Jake I changed my response somewhat. I have been skating around the edge of my black pit the last few weeks but am not down in the depths at the moment.

Eversince I passed 40, it’s more often in my head. What’s the point, right-? There’s not too many things you want to happen yet even those few…you know they won’t happen. Thing is, the same sad feeling that makes me think of exiting is the exact same feeling that makes me want to stay. And that feeling is, how much time do I have-? Not much really so what the heck’s the rush-? : )

@Adirondackwannabe You’re too valuable of a person to us to go down that road. I’m sure that whatever you did to mess up, you did out of love or passion or ignorance. I know you well enough to know that you would never do anything mean or awful on purpose. But if you did, and I’m wrong, then you need to own up to it and do everything that you can to rectify the problem. If you accidentally did something wrong, then you still need to try to rectify the problem as best as you can, but don’t beat yourself up about it for one second longer. That won’t help you, and it certainly won’t help us. We’d be a lesser Fluther without you, my friend.

Sorry dudes. I was having a rough spell. I fucked up. It hurt. I’ll learn from it.

I have these thoughts all of the time, but I always convince myself otherwise. I hope you are okay. Please, if you do start to think seriously about it, contact someone who can help. You don’t need to go through this alone.

@Adirondackwannabe One of the things that I find helpful when dealing with what seems like overwhelming mortification is to imagine myself in 5 or 10 years, and what I might be doing, and whether I give a thought in my daily life to the single event that I’m finding it so painful to face. Without exception, the answer is always no. There’s a reason that the phrase “This too shall pass” is a bit clichéed: it’s true.

You can always PM me and we’ll arrange a visit to the Holy land. You don’t want to exit without seeing it first.

^^ Plus we, as a Fluther group have to do the whole Julie and Julia thing and make everything in Julia Child’s cookbook, Mastering the Art of French Cooking and Addy has to sample everything: )

@Adirondackwannabe On your way to the Holy Land and sampling @Kardamom‘s cooking, you can stop at the Jersey Shore and I’ll introduce you to Bruce!

I had always been quite insecure as a kid, especially about my physical appearance (and still am today). My insecurity and other mental hindrances such as feelings of depression had led me to contemplate ending my life. But, I knew that I would never do it and I wouldn’t want to. Even though I have low self-esteem and what not, I still look forward to my life and what will happen with it. One of the biggest things THE biggest thing that easies these bad feelings for me is playing music. So, I suggest that you try to get rid of these thoughts by focusing your brain on something you like doing. It makes yourself feel like it’s worth something.

@Adirondackwannabe Don’t apologize. We all fuck up, you owned it, you have admitted it, and now you are moving on. And imagine getting all the hugs that all the jellies want to give you!

And in a year you’ll have a great story to tell.

^^ Remember back in aught 13 when I…

Well lemme tell ya the story. It all started when I…

But it all turned out for the best because…

Yes.
I even had a plan all mapped out. And I was ready to act on it.

It got better even though I thought I was at the very bottom of the well.

The very most important thing, our very dear @Adirondackwannabe, is that there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING as horrible and irredeemable as our own minds make them.

Other people are a lot more forgiving than you are to yourself.

I just fucked up and hurt someone. Badly. And @janbb I’ve been a foot away from Bruce, on multiple occasions.

Oh @Adirondackwannabe…I am soo sorry. But this too shall pass. It will.

I fucked up. I will try to make it right. I will fight. Wow you guys are so supportive. I can’t let you down. I’m sorry if I hurt anyone.

@Adirondackwannabe
You hurt nobody here. You made us all think about how fragile we are. We’re on your side. Live.

I will behave. Thanks guys.

You just make me want to go to the Adirondack mountains and I can’t and that hurts! That’s the worst you’ve done to me. Hang in there, honey…..we love you. “Time heals…”

@Adriondackwannabe
I am sorry you are in a bad place, and cannot imagine what you could have possibly done to contemplate this. That said, yes, I have thought about it, although I have never “mapped out a plan”, as someone mentioned, and, not even from a place of despair or even depression, just more that I don’t really wish to be around if or when I either become sick, deprived of comfort, resources and/or joy in living.
Personally I do not think that one has to always be in some unhealthy psychological state to contemplate or wish for an easy end before things get too hard to manage.
I also truly believe that each and every one of us has a right to choose when and how and where and why.

Being terminally ill is only one possibility.
If one is not seriously depressed but simply decides they have had enough of lifes experiences and wants to forgo the bitter end, whether that comes from illness, poverty, deprivation, disability or just being plain ass tired, I think it is ones right and see no reason for the stigma.
The stigma comes from it being such a taboo subject that nobody can have an open and honest discussion about it.
People say it is a selfish act,and yes, it can be, leaving behind children or other loved ones that are unprepared for the loss, but, OTOH, why shouldn’t a person be able to say, “I have had enough” and have their feelings honored?

Maybe those that call others right to die choices “selfish” are really the selfish ones themselves.
Who the hell ever has a right to determine anothers level of suffering for them?

I’ve been there, Addy, many times. The thing to remember is that it will get better. Always. I promise. {hugs}

The way to show the person you hurt that you are sincerely sorry is to live and make up for your error. You are a good person. I hope they will give you another chance. You have no control over that but you do have control over how you manage this situation. I hope you will pick yourself up and prove you can do better from now on.

Hope this bad spell will pass soon for you.

Thanks for all of your kind comments. I’m better. We’re talking and trying to get through this. I’m just so good a screwing up.

@Adirondackwannabe It’s good you are talking. That means so much. You’ll get through this.

I’ve swallowed the pills, and only stuck my finger down my throat almost too late when it occurred to me that as fucked-up as I am, there was no one else whom I could count on to raise my son well.

I don’t know much about you, but I do enjoy your presence here in the collective. I know it’s a day later, and I know that you’ve said that you’re no longer in crisis, but I know that whatever you did to feel so wracked with guilt will cause you a lot of rockiness for a while. Having made some horrible mistakes in my life, I can agree with Auggie that it does get better.

The best way to work through it is to accept accountability and the consequences, then to review what led you to making that mistake in order to recognize when you might be facing a similar situation, so you won’t repeat your misguided choices.

A friend of my son’s is in jail for vehicular manslaughter due to a DUI. Learning to cope with the knowledge that you are responsible for taking a parent away from a child has got tone one of the worst fuck-ups there can be. Even before his sentencing, he started educating others on how quickly and easily things can go horribly wrong.

It won’t be easy, but you can learn from this and move into your future even stronger than you knew you could be. In hindsight, you’ll recognize this test of your character as representing an important lesson that you had to learn – unfortunately, those are usually the lessons that are best learned the hard way.

Hang in there.

@hearkat I have lots that rely on me. I can’t quit because of them. Plus I care for this person more than I have ever cared for anyone. At the worst I thought of that. The door to our roof is locked and bolted. I know. I looked. Just to get my balls up.

Oh I just read this, I only just met you and think you are amazing already, so please, please know even if you fucked up there are heaps our here who think so fondly of you. We all make mistakes it’s what make us human and perhaps our frailty in this respect makes us more beautiful in our ability to accept our flaws. I’m sure you can settle things and get back to where you want and need to be xxxhughugxxx

Yes I have and I do, constantly.