How do you talk with people who won't talk about themselves?

Maybe they were taught not to talk about themselves and to let other people talk about themselves. Maybe they are shy. Maybe they are afraid you’ll judge them. I don’t know.

Personally, I might just ask something like “Why don’t you talk about yourself?”

Sometimes it helps to ask very specific questions – instead of “How’s work?”, maybe you could try listening very closely for something that may bother them, then bring up that topic. Also, lots of people find it easier to talk when they aren’t facing anyone. In the car, for example, or while walking.

I learned this trick a longtime ago. Don’t ask them specifics about them. Just get a general conversation going. When they’re ready they’ll give you all the details. But if you ask them point blank they’ll clam up fast.

You try two or three times with specific questions (How is your bike riding coming? How is school [or work?]) Then you move to general topics such as the weather or movies or books, And I would be less inclined to tell these people stuff about my life.

@Adirondackwannabe I agree. Often people like to talk about themselves, but may feel shy or awkward or that it’s in bad taste to go on about themselves, or they are more private people.
Just converse about general subjects like sports teams, weather, any entertaining stories you may have heard, you can always talk about current events, too. Getting to know someone can take awhile, and eventually if you feel simpatico, they will open up.

Some people just don’t think you would be interested in their mundane lives, but really like to hear about yours. It could be a self-esteem problem of theirs.

In a valued relationship, one party can make further personal disclosures contingent on more openness by the other party. This indicates your genuine interest and you expectation that self-disclosure needs to be mutual.

You just make small talk. Ask them what kind of shows do they like to watch and see if there is one that you both have recently seen that is interesting. I know several people who can carry on if you mention Game of thrones. Especially if you mention Joffrey (most hated character for most).
Find out if maybe they have some share interests you have. Like, cooking, building things, writing, reading, pets, child rearing, science, anything. Then elaborate and mention things that may not be common, or ask a question to something you’ve been wondering about and you feel they may be able to enlighten you on the topic.

^ Game of Thrones is an awesome topic to bring up if someone is interested in it. Oh boy… that series/show can help break the ice on so many levels. GRRM is a genius, whether he realizes it or not.

Honestly, I don’t enjoy the company of people like that so I just move on to the next thing. They have too much info about you and you got nothing on them and quite frankly their shyness frustrates me. Sorry, but its true. Last time I tried to be nice with someone like that, they were doing a bounch of things behind my back so…not being direct and open puts me on the sceptic side!

@snapdragon24 I think sometimes people are leery, like yourself, of divulging too much, too soon.

Just a few weeks ago, I knew a friend had some family issues going on, and since he didn’t mention it for a few weeks, I mentioned my own situation that was somewhat similar, and he finally opened up to me. I have known this man for many years but over the last year we’ve become closer, intimacy is created by sharing, and I’m so glad I did so we can help each other, but that doesn’t mean you have to divulge anything you feel should remain private.

Yes its true @KNOWITALL, I have made the mistake of opening up tooo soon and what not, but I do have many people who confide in me and ‘sharing’ does happen…most of the time on the very first time we met…but the issue isn’t that, people can say or do what they want…sometimes I just don’t have patience…thats all… for quiet types…and sometimes their lack of confidence just makes me feel frustrated. Its not always like that of course but thats my natural reaction, dont kill me for it! :)

It’s all about trust. They need to trust that you aren’t asking them “just to be polite” but are genuinely interested. Some people aren’t much into small talk. It can seem insincere and fake, a mere social convention. I agree with @Skaggfacemutt that sometimes it’s a matter of self esteem. Perhaps your friends are over impressed by you and think you don’t really care what they have to say. Alternately, they might be introverts who hate to engage in small talk. I think you have lots of good advice here as to how to ask the right questions to get people talking. It helps to be specific and to note what they’re interested in. It’s good to follow up with questions about what’s going on in their life. Everyone has different intimacy boundaries. While you may be comfortable spilling your guts, not everyone is. So you need to show interest but respect boundaries. you don’t want to be seen as prying into their lives. Confidence is earned. Know when to keep things they have confided to you to yourself. Some people ar very private and if you divulge what they say to other people they don’t like it. It takes a sort of intuition to know what to keep to yourself.

Marinelife, I have tried asking some of these people specific questions – sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. It works better over the phone and in person. It’s easy to dodge questions when texting over the Internet. I think people don’t talk about themselves for many different reasons, with some of those reasons listed here. My problem is determining why. I don’t think it’s fair on my part. I sometimes feel like confronting these people in person and asking what their reason is for ignoring my questions are. I doubt some of them will be honest but it’s worth a try.

skaggfacemutt: Your insight is very much appreciated, but some people need to get un-depressed about themselves. I think the solution for me is to stop the habit of divulging information, as some here have suggested.