How can I help my mother?

Your Mom probably needs much more help than you can give her. She needs to see a therapist and you can certainly encourage her to get professional help. Beyond that, showing her that you love her and care about her well-being are immeasurably helpful. When one is depressed, it is easy to imagine that one is totally alone in the world and having loving family or friends can be tremendously important. Remember, you can’t solver he problems for her but you can show her love and encourage her to get the help she needs.

If your mother is clinically depressed she needs professional treatment and medication. You can have her take the Mayo Clinic’s depression self-test to start and urge her to see someone (even her family doctor to start).

Seeing someone you love in pain can be worse than having your own. Knowing you can’t fix everyone and everything is a truly difficult life lesson, one that I still struggle with today.

I heartily agree with @janbb and @marinelife, and I add this: please do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Not only does it sound like right now you’re the only one who can do that but also it can be a relief to your mother (whether she senses it or not) that she doesn’t feel responsible for bringing you down.

Let me just add a question (and you need not answer): is alcohol or other intoxicating substance part of this picture? If so, there are specific kinds of help you might care to know about.

@Jeruba I will answer anyway, because it might help. I don’t think alcohol or other substances are directly causing her to be depressed, but she does drink. For as long as I’ve seen her drink alcohol, she’s always had rum with diet Coke (and a few other types, but that’s the main one). She hasn’t expressed any signs of depression until we moved back to our home town.
She also has non-narcotic pills that are supposed to make her “better”, but they don’t seem to be helping at all.

How much does she drink?

Alcohol is a depressant, and there are some kinds of pills that combine very badly with alcohol. She doesn’t have to be diagnosed as an alcoholic (and you don’t have to do any diagnosing) in order for her drinking to bother you.

If it does, you can find a great resource in Al-Anon, or Alateen if you’re a teenager. Those programs can give you tools to help you cope and take care of yourself, whether someone else seeks help or not.

@janbb I’m not sure. According to her, she drinks about one to five drinks a night (about 2–10 shots or rum).

Well, in any case, the place for her probably to start is with her doctor, a social worker or a therapist. Try to encourage her to get help.

I’m a little afraid to bring up the topic of therapy and help because I don’t know how she’ll react. She’ll most likely say something like “I don’t need help” or “That’s it, get rid of the freak”. She might think that we’re trying to get rid of her or that we think everything is her fault and that she’s the “bad guy”, so we’re sending her to therapy to “cure” her. I know exactly how she feels, and that scares me.

@BBawlight Is there an adult that you trust whom you can talk to? An aunt, uncle, religious person or teacher?

@janbb I can speak to many people, like friends, but I’m not particularly close enough to any of my other family members to sit down and talk about my problems. My friends at school probably won’t care, but they’d listen and say “That’s jacked up…”

No – I meant an adult who can help you sort this out. Friends are good for friends but I think you need an adult resource.

@janbb I don’t think I have one of those, then.

Where is your father in all this? Does he just not understand and make things worse for your mother?

@janbb When my mother presents a problem to him, like this time it was him getting Facebook notifications on his phone when they’re spending time with each other, it starts off like they just might solve it. Then it goes downhill from there. He says he’s going to fix the problem, but never does because he forgets. Which makes my mother feel unimportant because he forgot about one of her issues. They start yelling and just one word against what she says makes him “defensive” in her eyes. She thinks he’s fighting against her and points this out repeatedly.
He makes her feel like crap, not intentionally, and she points this out repeatedly as well.
When he starts yelling back, it makes her feel like everyone is against her and that she’s the “bad guy”.
She knows she has problems, but he apparently doesn’t understand this. He’s not doing anything to help and is obviously making it worse. He doesn’t realize that she needs someone to listen to her and address her problems. She feels worthless and just needs to know that people love her.

@BBawlight “According to her, she drinks about one to five drinks a night”

That’s a lot of alcohol friend. Ask her to start walking with you. Try and get healthy food in the house.

Good luck.

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies The OP is 14!

Thanks @janbb. I’ve edited my comments accordingly.

@janbb I am able to substitute some things for others, like the drinking problem. I’m not completely ignorant just a little, though.

@BBawlight yes, but I don’t think you can take on complete responsibility for healing your mother.

I still recommend buying one of the books like The Purpose Driven Life or any one of the myriad of Life Purpose Books available anywhere. Can leave it sitting out on the counter. Ask mom, “What do you think about this crap”?… act argumentative against the book… and she’ll probably defend it… perhaps take interest.

@janbb You’re right, I can’t, but I can at least try to make her feel important to me and everyone else. There’s no harm in trying if I’m genuine about my feelings.

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies I can probably talk to her about one of the books she’s already read that are just sitting on my bookshelf (there are hundreds). I can talk about her favorite show or something. Thanks.

@janbb is correct. It is not your responsibility to fix mom. But it is your responsibility to be the best person you are capable of being, which by default, sets great examples for others to take note of and hopefully emulate.

Doesn’t hurt to fab a few stories about some of your friends doing poorly because their parents drink too much… and it’s obvious to everyone that their family is disconnected because of it, and a lack of purpose driven goals. Then ask mom to take a walk around the park… get the body moving, and ask her what artistic pursuits she had at your age.

“That sounds fun! Can we do it together”?

@BBawlight “I can probably talk to her about one of the books she’s already read that are just sitting on my bookshelf (there are hundreds). I can talk about her favorite show or something. Thanks.”

The show talk might start the conversation… and might even help if you watched it with her. Your presence will validate her life choices. Use that as a lead in to discussing the self help books, what they’re about… and how one knows if they do any good. Ask her if she can see the results manifest in reality. Ask her, how does one make sure that the advise inside actually results in improvement?

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies I really like your ideas, I’ll plan it out and hopefully get some results. I’m willing to do anything within my power as long as it helps her feel better, because this hurts me as well.

Please do not try to diagnose, treat, or otherwise control your mother. You can’t. The only thing you can do is look after yourself and manage your own behavior. Certainly that includes love, support, and encouragement toward your mother, but not the fixing of her.

Incidentally, it sounds like your father is having a tough time too. He also needs your compassion, and you can’t fix him either.

And he can’t fix her. He can’t be her therapist. She needs a trained professional.

You may want to visit this site for Al-anon
It helps family members of alcoholics deal with issues. I’m sure they would be better suited to at least directing you in the direction. Even one drink a day can affect your mothers depression. There is no way of know which came first the alcohol problem or the depression but it sounds as if your mom is seeing a doctor and she is seeking some sort of help. You need to learn what you can and cannot control and what can be done. Give them a shot. I pray it all works out for you.
At the very least talk to a counselor at school or close family member. This is a lot for a young person to go through alone.

I couldn’t agree with @Jeruba more although I’d like to add that this lesson is not one that comes without a struggle, it is all too easy to imagine we can ‘fix’ other people, if only we do the right thing or say the right thing or were a better person/child/partner, it took me many years to accept that no matter how much I wanted to make things all better I simply could not.
I wish you all the strength you will need for the situation in which you find yourself @BBawlight, it’s not an easy place to be, I hope you find lots of personal support for yourself.