Emotionally crippled after mom's premature death?

I’m very sorry for the loss of your mother. It seems to me to be the hardest death to get over. I’ve lost both of my parents and loved them both, but losing my mother has hurt the most.
Try to think of the fun things and the good times when the bad thoughts start coming through.
If you think a therapist will help, then you should see one.
{{{hugs}}}

I’m so sorry for your loss. But I know you’ve probably heard those words repeated over and over again. It’s probably not helping and definately not consoling.
The fact that she gave you that painting is something truly special. I’m not one to believe in the supernatural or spiritual, but to me it sounds like the work of angels.
Two months is really not a long time, especially when coping with such a loss. It’s never going to stop hurting. You’ll always miss her. But with time, you will just sorta learn to deal with it. Please let me know if I can help you in any way. Message me if you ever need to talk.

My sincerest condolences on the loss of your beautiful Mom. I, too, lost my Mom at a young age to cancer. Today would have been her 70th birthday. I know what you’re feeling, love.

What I am hoping for you now, is that you are able to reach out for some sort of grief therapy. Whether it be individual counseling or a grief support group. Perhaps, a funeral home in your area offers grief counseling (if you aren’t able to afford regular counseling). Sometimes, it’s good to have someone listen, who is outside of the circle. But, also someone who can empathize because they, themselves, have lost a loved one.

Thanks everyone. I’m going to start seeing this English-speaking therapist here in Quito within a week or so. I’ve heard great things about her and she’s very holistic in her approach. Instead of the typical approach in the US of shoving big-pharma pills down my throat, she specializes in talk therapy in meditation. I hope it works. I need any semblance of comfort I can get at this point.

When my Mom died, my father refused to give me any of her cremains but I managed to steal some for my own comfort and I’m so glad I did. Bastard wanted to control her in life and death, despite several family members begging him to accommodate my needs.

Now, I find myself sometimes hugging her ashes (wrapped in two ziplock baggies for hygiene) while crying myself into a fit. I know this is weird and I feel really twisted and morbid for having this weird connection to what’s left of her body. But still, that was the body that I came from—that nurtured me for nine months, nourished me as an infant, protected me and comforted me with hugs well into my early adulthood. It makes me feel better but I still know it’s kind of “weird”.

Sweetie, I’m sorry. I remember asking myself how long it would take me to stop seeing my father as a wasted cancer patient the way he was in his last days. The answer was about a year. About a year after his death, I could begin to remember him as the robust, healthy, hardly-ever-sick person I’d known up until then.

Give yourself time. However long the grieving process takes is how long it takes. Counseling is a good idea.

Remember this, too: allowing yourself a happy moment or a happy hour or even a full happy day is not disloyal to your mother. You will laugh and smile again. But you will never stop missing her, and that’s okay too.

Sorry about your mom.

My mom died young as well, and painfully.

Reasonable people expect to survive their parents, but it is never easy.

What would your mom want you to do?
Do that.
Who would your mom want you to be?
Be that.
Your mom will always be with you. If you stop crying and try talking to her, you may get an answer. Meanwhile, accept all the caring you’re hearing from us and do the best you can under the circumstances. It will be all right, in time.

Dear @LeavesNoTrace,

First of all, I am sorry for what you have gone through. I want to say thank you for sharing those things about your mother. That is the first step, talk about your mother and talk often.
Now I will tell you that I have had similar experiences, maybe that helps you and if you ever need me you can pm me I will help you however I camn with the little knowledge I have.

I know your story well, I have lost my husband and my father both who were extremely special to me.

The first while will be the hardest. But, it will get easier, right now it doesn’t seem like it but it does. But it never goes away. The missing feeling is the worse. And even though you never intend to move on it just happens. One day you find yourself laughing a little more than crying. Just try to remember that your mother wants you to have a wonderful life, and she is with you always.

She sounded like a wonderful woman. My prayers are with you so that you may have some ease in this process.

I am very sorry. Losing a parent at that age is devastating.
The sad truth is you will never get over this. There will come a time when you can face the day, but you will never lose the ache of them being gone.
@nofurbelowsbatgirl gives good advice. Tell stories to people about your Mom. It is amazing how much better that will make you feel. Talk to her old friends, and have them tell you stories about her. It will be like a little visit with her.

You would benefit from a grief or bereavement group. It might take some pressure off of your boyfriend too.

It takes as long as it takes. I would say one to two years would not be at all too long. Anger at the lost loved one is a normal part of the grieving process. Feel it, but let it move through you.

Grief is funny. It comes and goes in waves. Grief can be physical. Try to take yourself. Make sure you are sleeping and eating enough.

Do you have any photo albums of your mother? Looking at old pictures can bring memories back and help overlay your awful, final ones.

Take care of yourself though this process. Your mother would have wanted that.

What an awful story; I’m very sorry for your loss.

But now, on to you…

As you note in your question and with the links you provided, you have of course shared parts of this with us before. But here is the problem – your problem – as I see it. You’ve been focused on your anger and justifiable outrage toward your father, and I believe, since this is not your first question, but your third on the topic, and the first time you’ve mentioned the loss in this way, that your anger and even hatred are preventing you from dealing with the loss. Obviously it’s an awful, terrible, tragic loss. But you’ve been angry, apparently, more than you have been grieving. (I’m not saying this to find fault with you. I understand a little about what you have been going through; I’m just restating to you what you’ve said to us, to put more perspective on this.)

If you can’t get past the anger then you won’t process and deal with the grief, either.

You definitely do need to talk to a professional. Don’t hold anything back, and don’t try to now put the grief first “because that’s how it should be”. Well, yeah, maybe if you hadn’t been so fucked over by your father and if your mother hadn’t been so damaged by him, too, then “grief” would be your primary emotional hurdle right now. But you have to play the hand that you’ve been dealt, so it seems that you have to find a way to put aside your quite justifiable rage first to be able to get over your mother’s death.

Good luck.

Everyone grieves differently. I think you should keep journaling your feelings. It seems like “getting it off your chest” is healing for you.
Eventually the traumatic feelings will be replaced with joyful feelings remembering the good, but you need to allow yourself to grieve however your body needs to.
So sorry for your loss.
When I was younger I had a lot of loss. Lost my dad when I was 10 and my husband and little brother in my late 20’s early 30’s. I always said that I can handle this but I could never handle losing my mom.
When I finally did lose my mom it was after watching her gradual decline and she died in her 80’s. It was hard, but not near as hard as it would have been when I was young. My heart aches for you. I can almost feel the panic, heart racing, hard to catch your breath anguish. I’m so sorry. Sending you a virtual hug.
(((@LeavesNoTrace)))

How about instead of saying “emotionally crippled” you frame it as “intensely grieving.” It certainly seems like a very normal reaction to the loss of a dearly beloved parent.

I’ve found from my own times of grieving that it goes in cycles of more to less bearable. And don’t worry about the time frame; unfortunately it will take as long as it takes and always be a pang.

The idea of therapy is a great one and the fact that you are in a foreign environment may be an additional stressor as well as a relief. Let your boyfriend know that you appreciate his efforts and maybe see if you can make a few new friends.

I am so sorry that you lost such a wonderful Mom!

Two months is a very short time. Bad losses usually take 4–6 months to start coming out of it so to speak, feel more nornal again, but there still can be waves of emotion long after that.

Maybe make a book of memories. You wrote so beautifully about your mom. Right down the stories that have stuck with you most. Maybe add some photos, it can be a project if that sort of thing interests you. When my grandma died I took a whole bunch of photos from her apartment and made an album that had the photos and I wrote out my memories associated with the pictures. I wanted to look at the photos and read everything every day for a while.

If you feel overwhelmed think about seeing a therapist or joining some sort of group where you can vent your thoughts and feelings.

When I was recovering from the shock and disemboweling grief over the unexpected death of a family member, I had to stop seeing my psychiatrist for several months. But I knew that he was there, in the wings, waiting until I was able to get out of bed, get dressed and put together several coherent sentences.

Don’t berate yourself for doing what you need to do. We are all unique; the literature, the advice, the timelines are generalizations and not meant to be a guideline for what you are feeling.

If you need to feel enraged, then do so. Feel it all. At some point, the intensity will abate and the ache soften.

I leaned too heavily, without realising it, on my sister, who was also grieving and found my needs too overwhelming. She pulled away for several years…we ultimately fixed it, however.

I went to group therapy for one session and hated it; I had no interest in hearing anyone else’s story and absolutely no wish to share the therapist. My need was to tell my story, over and over and over.

Hugs.

@gailcalled I’ve wondered that about group myself. I relate also to the type of therapy I prefer even one on one. I mostly need to vent my story. I am not fond of cognitive behavioral therapy where the therapist is supposed to get you to do something to aid in recovery; take some sort of action.

I think group sometimes is a place to meet people who understand more than anything. The bond people have having gone through a similar experience.

@JLeslie I’ve done both group and much individual and have found a benefit in each. In a good group, it can be very beneficial to get the insights and reactions of several people to your issues and affect.

@janbb They used group at the behavioral hosital I worked at and it did seem to help. It probably depends on the indivdual. None of the groups there were groups for specidically the death of a loved one, so it’s a littke different probably, but I think insights and reactions were part of what is helpful. Mostly I think for the groups at the hospital I think it helped people feel they were not alone in their experience.

@gailcalled You just made me remember something very important about grieving in your story. Where you leaned on your sister too heavily, I did the opposite and I pushed everyone away and still to this day I have pushed them so far they basically do not exist in my life. I am still working on that and it will take time. But I have learned that grieving is one of the most personal things that someone can go through. One person may not look affected, another may grieve everyday until they die, another person may die of a broken heart from loneliness because they miss their partner (it happened to my Opa. The autopsy revealed that he had no other problems and his heart just stopped.)

There are stages of grief,
1)Denial & Isolation
2)Anger
3)Bargaining This is usually the “what if” stage
4)Depression
5)Acceptance

@LeavesNoTrace All of these stages can vary and can alter for each individual. If any of these become to hard for you to cope with then the correct move is too seek professional help, which I know you have already stated you are going to do. :)

How are things going for you lately? How are you feeling? Big hug XX

I have another suggestion, a self help book might be helpful. You can read it at your own pace, the will be explanations of the stages of mourning that @nofurbelowsbatgirl mentioned that you will identify with. A book like that helped me a lot during my most difficult loss I have had so far in my life. It wasn’t the loss/death of a parent for me, but I was pretty wracked. The book helped me understand myself and my reaction.

@JLeslie, what book?
My sister got a lot out of When Bad Things Happen to Good People.

My father died unexpectedly at 81. He collapsed in the hall.
When my sister got there a few minutes later, she had to do CPR on him until the ambulance arrived. In the process, she believes she broke several of his ribs and was horrified but the 911 operator told her it was ok and to keep on doing it to give him a fighting chance.
She was told by the paramedics, and subsequently by other medical professionals, that this is not at all unusual particularly when administered on an 80 year old.
It has been two years now and she is still inconsolable about this. It brings her to tears every time she thinks on it and she does so on a regular basis.
I do not think there is a set limit on grief; everyone has their own timeframe.
The important thing is to do like you, and my sister, are doing; pull yourself together each time, pick up the pieces and keep on living.

@rojo, I feel for your sister. It is so hard to let go of self-blame, even when it’s irrational. Maybe in some convoluted way, as long as we blame ourselves we feel like we have it at least a little bit under control.

I don’t know if it helps any to mention this, but when I took a CPR class the instructor said “You could break a person’s ribs doing this, but don’t worry about that. What’s a couple of broken ribs if you save his life? And if you can’t save him, it’s not going to matter.”

@Judi I didn’t have a specific one in mind, but the book you mentioned helped a friend of mine a lot when his wife, mother, and brother all died within a a couple of years. The book I read was years ago, I don’t remember the name and it was about breaking up a relationship, it talked aout the grief stages, but also was very geared to break ups, not death. I thought the OP might just browse the book store, but I guess in times of internet it might be better to get a specific recommendation.

@rojo It is extremely common to break ribs during CPR. That whole experience your sister went through was probably so traumatic. She is focusing on the ribs, but probably the stress of thinking she is her father’s chance to survive was the most overwhelming thing. I guess she felt or heard his ribs crack (I hope how I word this isn’t too upsetting) and for whatever reason that sticks with her. Maybe since he could not be saved she feels harming him more was unnecessary? It’s understandable she dwells on it, it’s probably like a PTSD thing that kind of replays for her in her mind at times. Had she been trained in CPR? Usually they stress ribs might be broken as @Jeruba mentioned. However, I think I would be very upset also in her position. If I imagine the situation and it was my husband, I would be extremely upset his body was not perfect in his death (whatever his normal perfect is) when it was a moment before. It’s illogical, because most of us die without the body in perfect shape. But, having caused it so to speak would probably weigh on me.

@rojo It is indeed extremely common to break ribs during CPR, even when administered by a professional.

My mother was a registered nurse who specialized in geriatric care so she often experienced this first-hand. In fact, she had a DNR for this very reason and when the EMTs arrived, I presented her paperwork so they wouldn’t compress her (she had no pulse and turning blue). We knew it was better for her to go quickly like this than to be artificially revived with broken ribs and kept alive on a machine until we had to make a painful decision.

I hope your sister can find some peace over time. I’m sure it was hard for both of you but you were just trying to do the right thing and I’m sure your father knows that wherever he is.

Thanks for the responses everyone. This has been so hard for me, plus I’ve been battling a severe bacterial intestinal infection for over a month which has left me so weak and depleted. Thank goodness, I’m getting over that at least.

To me, my mother was the most important person in the world. She was the light to my father’s darkness and so strong and supportive for her kids. She and I were developing a wonderful adult friendship as I entered my mid-twenties and I’m grieving her both as a mother, a mentor and a companion.

Sometimes I cry because everything reminds me of her. She was an avid grocery shopper and couponer and would always twist my arm to go to the market with her. I would resist a little but we would often have a great time and would end up eating lunch on the porch after and sharing some laughs at the dog’s expense. :) I would give anything just to share those simple things with her again. Her stories, her cooking, her unconditional love… I even miss the smell of her terrible smoking habit that drove her to an early grave. I just miss everything about her. I know everyone thinks their Mom is beautiful but mine really was. Despite her bad habits, she was strikingly pretty into her 50s and I’m still happy when people tell me how alike we look.

I’ve started seeing a traditional Chinese naturopath which sometimes feels like an elaborate hazing. (Crawl for 10 mins a day, drink this horrible tea, soak your ass in cold water for 10 mins) Today I’m going to receive a “spiritual cleanse” from him all free of charge since he’s a family friend but I’m not really sure what to expect. The first time I saw him, he said I need to get rid of her ashes because the attachment is causing me pain but I’m not sure I’m ready for that. Should I?

@LeavesNoTrace Don’t do anything you’re not ready to do. It’s still early days and you are fighting on a lot of fronts.

@janbb Thanks. It’s so hard with the pressure from everyone telling me “do this, do that”. I feel entitled to grieve however I have to. He also says no more crying for her because “She’s in a much higher place now and doesn’t want you to feel pain.”

I know that maybe she’s in a “better place” well…any place that she’s not suffering like she was is “better” by default. But still I think, what could be better than being here, in tact, with her children and friends who loved her, the dog (her “furbaby”) she treated like 4th child and her successful career in nursing?

Why shouldn’t I cry for her?

One of the things I am trying to do in my current life is to weed out the well-meaning advice that isn’t helping me and trust my gut on what is. You are in a lousy situation having suffered a big loss and debilitated by an illness in a foreign country. If this healer is not helping you physically or emotionally, stop going. And definitely don’t listen to anyone who tells you not to cry or to grieve.

@LeavesNoTrace Speaking personally, I would not get “rid” of her ashes, particularly if she requested you hang on to them. I might consider a small remembrance ceremony and inter the ashes somewhere she cherished but only if I believed it was what she would have wanted.

When you say that he’s a “family friend”, was he a friend of your mother more than your father? Keep in mind where his allegiance may lie. Based on what you’ve said about your father, I wouldn’t put much past him, including sneaking a spy into your confidence.

Aside from that, you’ve got good advice on the immediate question from @janbb and @rojo. There is always time to do that thing later; it can’t be un-done.

@LeavesNoTrace Why do you think you have a bacterial intestinal infection? Did a bacteria actually get identified? My neighbor thought that when her mom and dad died within months of each other. I begged her not to go through any extreme tests. She had two stool samples tested a colonscopy, in the end it was all from grieving. Once she began to emotionally recover her stomach problems went away. For me Xanax helped my extreme stomach issues, and eventually time. I, of course, don’t know your specific illness, but just something to consider if your stomach problems continue.

@JLeslie She discusses her medical problems in another question and probably doesn’t need to rehash them here.i

Wasn’t looking for a rehash. I don’t think I saw the other Q.

@LeavesNoTrace I agree with the others, do not get rid of the ashes if you are questioning it. You will know when you are ready. I also think you seem to be grieving just fine. The chinese thing seems to be almost too extreme, but I am not you. Do you feel like it is helping how you are feeling or is just all for not? If you are just going through these motions because this guy is a professional and you think his opinion is better than I think you need to stop seeing him. We all need to grieve in our own time. Someone does not need to tell you when you need to be over or unnattached from your mother. I lost my husband it has been 3.5 years and I still have not went on a date or even considered it, I’m not ready and I am fine with that. If I wanted to move on and couldn’t then I would seek help for that.

Are you functioning day to day? Are you eating properly? Sleeping properly? Do you think you could be or might be depressed? If you are and your mothers passing is interfering with your day to day life then I think maybe you should not see the chinese naturopath, and seek more medical help but that is just my opinion.

I have bipolar disorder. I did not even realize that I had gotten so depressed after my husbands passing that I fell into a psychotic depression, which I am finally starting to work myself out of with the aid of a high dose of anti-psychotics.