How can I encourage my boyfriend to be more active? Or let me be active alone?

What is his job?

I have had a similar experience, in the role of the guy who wants to stay in the house. I like to go swimming, scuba diving, hiking, camping and so on, but in the high season when I’m working 12 to 16 hours a day in the heat, in a physical job, all I really want to do on the weekend is rest.

It is his own brain doing it to him if a heavy work load is the case, I look forwards to my weekend rest from Monday to Friday, so by the time the weekend does come around, I have set in stone my plan to do nothing.

Age can also be a factor, and it could also just be a phase. In my life, I have had the reputation of being someone who is never at home, as well as the reputation of never going out. It comes and goes.

Welcome to Fluther! You may not get answers you want here, but they will be sincere. You’ve heard the expression that actions speak louder than words? It’s true. Be happy that you discovered this about him before you committed more than 6 months to him. Some guys will say what they think you want to hear. His idea of compromise seems to be, “Let’s do it my way, even though my way doesn’t seem to be what I said it was.” Is his way what you want?

Sounds like a compatability issue. You can’t make him be someone he’s not and you shouldn’t try to be someone you’re not. My guess is that he WANTED to be an active person because he liked you and wanted to be someone you would like. It’s no ones fault.
I would recognize that you only have 6 months invested in this relationship and take what you’ve learned, be thankful for it and move on. The harsh reality is that these things rarely get better. Then again, miriacles do happen. Your choice.

Welcome to Fluther.

Whatever else you may think of him, and you know him better than any of us, so our commentary is only based on the limited amount you tell us, he is not “a really sweet guy”. He’s passive-aggressive with that “sure looks like you want to spend time with me” bullshit, and if you indulge him in his activity without complaint (Really? 12 hours of Battlestar Galactica? I’d kill one or both of us.) then the least he can do is suck it up and shut up when he engages with your chosen activity. And I know that a 12-mile hike didn’t take twelve hours unless you were going vertical.

If I were you I’d call him on the self-description as “outdoorsy” (I’m not outdoorsy, but I never pretend to be unless I’m on a boat) and let him know that his idea of compromise is not working.

Better still, I’d nip this relationship in the bud before it gets a chance to germinate metastasize.

Aside from that, do not put yourself in the position of having to ask him for permission to engage in activities of interest to you. Rather inform him, “This is what I’m going to be doing this weekend. I’d love to have you join me – without complaining and griping about it.”

Maybe you aren’t really compatible. If his idea of fun is hanging out and playing video games, you don’t need to spend anymore time with him, he’s not for you. He probably is a great guy, but you sound like you need someone that is really the outdoors type.
I can’t imagine that it was fun for you to finally get him to go for a walk and he was grumpy about it the whole time. What would he have done if you had sat and grumbled the whole 12 hours you watched Battlestar Galatica? To be honest, after hour number two of that show, I would’ve been out the door.

Welcome.

First of all, no one ‘lets’ you be active, you do it or you don’t. You can’t make him the scapegoat for you not exercising with or without him. It’s your body and your long-term health.

Secondly, You say his interests are cooking, watching tv and playing video games, so is he overweight? I can see that being a problem in the future, if it’s not already, so for his own good, keep pushing him to make healthy decisions.

Lastly, men are very visual (normally) so maybe wear a little skimpier workout clothes, and start making bets that are sexual. If you run ___ miles with me today, I will _____ you for ____minutes, and make it something he really wants. You may have to manipulate him sexually if nothing else.

unplug his xbox

It is not just what you do together but the things that you can talk about. It is as if the two of you live in different worlds. Without going into whether or not he is a nice guy, it seems that the two of you are not compatible.

@KNOWITALL You are recommending that she trade sexual favors to get him to do the things he led her to believe he liked to do anyway?

Thank you @chyna.

@chyna I must say, personally I have a strange urge to go running since reading @KNOWITALL ‘s post.

@KNOWITALL Yeah, that is so not the way to handle this situation. And people wonder why women continue to be seen as objects…

He should mellow out and appreciate your adventurous side. Even if he doesn’t go with you he should say “Have a great time!” and listen to all the details when you get back.
If he really appreciates you he will want you to be enjoying yourself whether or not that means you’re in a chair next to him.

I think @poisonedantidote‘s point is possibly valid, the guy maybe needs his R&R on the weekend. On the other hand he should not be mis-representing what he likes to spend time doing in his free time.

You now have the measure of your boyfriend’s genuine activity leve. You want more. He will not change.

I suggest that you break up with him.

Like a lot of people on here, I don’t see this being a relationship for much longer. Be blunt with him, and the next time you expect him for the weekend, tell him on Wednesday not to come that weekend because you will be busy.

When he asks, tell him it is stuff you have been wanting to do but that he doesn’t enjoy. When he presses the question, tell him you are going hiking on Saturday and then to a play on campus on Sunday. Ask him straight out if he would enjoy that. If he says no, tell him you do, and so you don’t want to force him to something he doesn’t want to do.

You need to frame this as meeting your own needs, and that you are doing your best to not force him into something he will not like. And if he says “oh, but I like those things” then tell him that you would love to do those with him, and look forward to him enjoying it. But then have a back up plan and if he grouses, tell him he doesn’t have to participate and you’ll hope he finds something to enjoy the rest of the weekend without you.

This is a problem with a lot of online dating. People find out that the person is not who they seem.

If he goes on whining, let him know he should rewrite his profile to find someone who will like him for what he truly is.

He sounds boring as hell, dump him and find someone who likes to move it move it move it!

I have just noticed, that this inactive guy is the one who comes to you on the weekend, to your place.

Sounds like he works all week, and in his time off he drives an hour to you, probably expecting some loving, and is then met with an insistence to go out and be active, when what the guy probably needs is a good BJ and a nap.

You have 5 days that he is not there to be as active as you like, alone, without him complaining.

Why do I get the feeling that there is a question out there on some other site, asking “how can I encourage my girlfriend to travel to me and blow me?”

I once had a girl who complained all summer that I never wanted to go out, while I was working my ass off. She started to think I was lazy and inactive, then when winter break rolls around, surprise surprise, her legs hurt and she can’t keep up with me and wants to go back home. Suddenly she hates hiking mountains and diving.

@poisonedantidote He is driving a mere 45 minutes to get laid and be taken care of all weekend while he watches TV. Around where I live that’s just a long commute. Nothing there states he works all that hard. The OP may work harder than he does. Perhaps if he went outside and got some damn exercise he’d feel better during the week.

I sympathize with @soulcanary.

@zenvelo Yea, a bit different here, if you drive in a straight line for 45 minutes you will end up in the water. The island is 88km from longest point to point. Here people would consider a 45 minute separation a deal breaker from the start anyway. If you did spend that long traveling, you would get a reward, like my friend who comes from 35 minutes away, and get dinner and what not.

Also, it is true that it does not say anything about working hard, but it also does not say anything about getting laid, hehehe. This poor bugger could be traveling 45 minutes with blue balls every week, only to be made to walk.

EDIT: and it does say he was active when they first met, so out of 6 months, if we say he has been inactive for 3 months, it is still not that long. Some times people like to dig themselves a pit and wallow in it for a few months or so, before getting bored of that and going out again.

I’d be willing to bet the OP has had time periods longer than 3 months when she just sat around and did nothing, before getting bored and going back out again.

Oh, you should run, alright. From him.

He sounds like a passive-aggressive sloth. He misrepresented himself to get in your good books and now he is in a relationship with you, he’s showing his true colours. If he wants to sit on the sofa and watch TV for 12 hours a day, that’s his prerogative but he can’t expect you to sit with him. That he tries to guilt you into doing what he wants is a very, very bad sign. I am wary of passive-aggressive people. I wouldn’t be sticking around. This behaviour is a sign of things to come.

My sweetheart and I lived 90 miles apart, and my work was in the opposite direction, so I drove 2 hours on Fridays to spend the weekend at his place. During the week, we’d discuss our plans for the weekend. Sometimes we’d just stay in the bedroom for the 48 hours. After six months, we decided that it was time to find a place in the middle so we could see each other every day. That was 3 years ago, we are now engaged and working towards buying our home.

I agree with those who say that it looks as though you are incompatible, and he is manipulative – unless there are details that have been left out. I tried online dating for a couple years, and my experience was that very, very few of the people on there are genuine. I agree that it is better for you to break it off now, rather than to let it get worse. Next time, ask them questions to find out just how much their day-to-day lives actually live up to their self-descriptions. Good luck!

Geez, the question was about how to get her boyfriend to exercise, what’s wrong with a skimpy workout outfit in a long-term monogamous relationship?! I see no problem with it personally. Boy shorts and a tank top can work wonders in a relationship.

That’s not quite what you said @KNOWITALL

You mean rewarding his participation in THEIR health/ lifestyle with sexual favors? What’s wrong with that? Again, long-term, monogamous relationship, I don’t see a problem with it.

With all the NSFW’s on here, I’d expected people to be a little more open-minded about sex when you’re in a relationship like these two are. Oh well, she can totally just break up with him and move on, is that more socially acceptable than being sexy with your mate?

I think bargaining with sex might mess up an otherwise healthy sexual relationship.
Because sex is a fundamentally important aspect of a monogamous relationship I’d avoid that.

But besides that I’d agree with @KNOWITALL otherwise that there’s nothing wrong with entertaining each other in whatever ways float each other’s boat.
And there’s every reason to cultivate ‘bargaining’ or negotiating in a relationship as part of your normal communication and the way you get stuff done for and as a couple.

@dabbler Hmmm, I’ve known lots of couples that do it, like watch this football game with me and I’ll take you to a nice dinner tomorrow. Or let’s go shopping for new furniture and later tonight, I’ll rock your world, baby. Seems to work out okay, they’re all still together.

@KNOWITALL I agreed,there’s that too, if it works, it works.
But possibly not such a hot idea in a fledgling relationship to put sexual activities on the bargaining block.

It probably is a compatibility issue, but is it at all possible that he’s depressed right now? Normally active people, when hit with depression, can easily become couch potatoes. Depression saps the will to do just about anything.

Tell him he’ll be well rewarded with a surprise, then never tell him what the surprise is.