Am I dealing with defensive people, or am I just being an A hole?

If you are sure you are being respectful of boundaries, not offering them unsolicited advice all the time, and/or not being abrasive in any way, then….their hypersensitivity is THEIR problem.
I dropped a long time friend a few years ago because her insecurities and emotional problems were always causing her to take offense at even the most benign things. I too work hard on communicating well and am not a thin skinned and defensive type as a woman, but…I cannot handle hypersensitive types that get offended over the most minor things.
My ex friend once accused me of “criticizing” her makeup when I simply offered her a new lipstick color to try and told her it looked good on her! Fuck me! lol

Try answering diplomatically.
Such as..” This is just my opinion“etc
Also “ASK” first “If” they even want your advice?
A lot of people might think that you think that they are incapable of working out their own problems?
Sometimes people need to be heard..without a response.
Best response if you feel like giving one is just to mirror back there questions/circumstance to them so that they could come to their own conclusions. An example:
someone says” I just got a nasty letter from…”.
Your response would be“You just got a nasty letter?”
They will then continue with questions etc..ask how they feel about that etc
always get them to work out their own issues this way.

Nah, my guy friends and I get along well and they don’t edit themselves for me. But then again, most of my intimate relationships are with guys, so who knows, I just don’t get along with most women on that level. Too much drama.

Well, I think that the wiring for men and women in so different that it often is not a case of someone being defensive, but more a case of the male v. female approach towards life. I know that I can make a big deal over things that many guys would not care about, and I do become upset. @Inspired_2write has a good point about mirroring! It does work. Often when we are upset we really want to know that someone else understands WHY we are upset, and mirroring does sort of help with that. It probably is not you, just the situation at the moment.

Why do you feel that you have to give them advice? Are they asking for it? Or are they just telling you about a problem or situation and looking to you as a sympathetic listener? If you go straight to problem-solving mode, telling them what they ought to do, it can sound like you think you’re smarter, more capable, more experienced, etc., and implicitly put them down. (You don’t have to feel or intend that in order for them to hear it that way.)

Your best move might be to make sure your advice is wanted before you offer any. Otherwise just be a good listener.

Yea @inspired_2write that was a good point and technique I will try using. Ok so I have a friend who is on the brink of becoming really famous and we haven’t gotten a chance to talk about this new transition yet. So I just mentioned some negative possibilities that generally happen when people become famous. You know I brought up the fact of people becoming disingenuous and fake and how the dangers of people trying to harm them or their family for money. I just brought up a few scenarios. And it’s because I’m concerned and I care about her. I don’t want the fame to change her or the people around her. But she viewed it as me getting into her business and giving opinions when they aren’t asked for. I just don’t see how un-asked for advice is wrong when you really have a persons well being in mind. Sort of like a parent is with a child. Lol I know I’m not her father but I do care about her.

Also these girls are little bit more difficult to joke with. I’ve noticed that these girls have boyfriends that can tease with them but I if joke around and tease the same way their boyfriends do like I’m talking word for word I am attacking them. I just don’t get it

I wouldn’t let somebody else joke with me the way my husband does, @JoeyOhSoClever—or offer me suggestions for how I should conduct my personal life. Things said within the context of a relationship can carry a very different meaning and implication from things said without. If they have boyfriends, you are being presumptuous if you try to assume the same privileges of intimacy and speak with them the same way. It sounds like you should perhaps be concentrating on girls who don’t already have a primary relationship.

If you are giving me unsolicited advice about subjects you have no experience with, then you are being an a hole and it would annoy me too.

@Jeruba No, me and these girls are great friends.Known the two of them for two years+ and another my whole life. Before they even had their boyfriends I was there through a few tough times in their life and gave them advice THEY asked for. We are all in the ages of 18–23 so none of us are really married yet. Since we became friends I noticed it was difficult to joke with them and now that I see their boyfriends they’ve known for maybe a couple months can do it its sort of odd to me like its something personal against me.

If you know each other so well, why don’t you ask them?

Lol ahh @rooeytoo I had a feeling you would be the one to call me the a hole for some reason. Let me bring up the scenario I have heard a lot when it comes to experience. You don’t have to smoke a cigarette or do drugs to know its bad for your health and to warn others about the harms. That’s exactly the approach I took with my famous friend. I’ve listened to countless documentaries and read countless stories about the dangers of fame from current actors and retired actors and other famous people.

@Jeruba it would probably cause an argument if I brought it up to them. How do I ask someone who may be defensive if they are a defensive person without them getting offended? That right there is my dilemma!

Next time, don’t say anything other than normal conversation or jokes. If someone asks advic, let someone else give it. When that gets old, get new friends or stand up to them and tell them to back off, or just pull one of them aside and talk to her one-on-one to see what’s up.

Girls act different with their guy friends a lot when they’re with their main guy, just is what it is. If it makes you feel better, my guy friends act completely different with their gf’s too.

Why are you giving advice when it is not asked for? Would you welcome that if the situation was reversed?

I think we have a gender issue here.

Women talk about problems just to talk them out and have an outlet for their feelings. They like to “discuss” issues—sometimes more than once.

Men when they hear about a problem want to fix it by taking action. Tjus, your urge to give advice.

But the women you are talking to don’t want that from you. They just want you to listen.

@JoeyOhSoClever: if you can’t ask the question without passing judgment (“you’re so defensive”), that might be your problem right there.

How about “When I try to offer you my opinion, you don’t seem to welcome it. Am I pissing you off somehow?”

I can’t help noticing that you seem to think of yourself as exceptionally clever, just to go by your username. That too is an attitude that doesn’t sit well with everyone. Perhaps it’s meant humorously, but that’s not always apparent. I’d wonder a little bit about someone who called herself, say, TheGorgeousOne or SuzyTheAdorable. Wouldn’t you?

@marinelife Thank you for that. I am actually learning about the gender communication differences in my speech class (that I am taking for my friends lol) about how a male does always look to try and fix things. It’s weird because the guy friends I have I have no trouble with joking or advice giving. Oh I also forgot to mention an arguing with the girls. Every point I bring up they turn it around on me fast. I end up being the one saying sorry and aknowleding their points are correct, when my points are shrugged off as If they were attacking statements.

@Jeruba No lol it’s just a joke. I don’t ever act stuck up or try to be-little people. It’s just a username I thought of when I couldn’t think of anything else.

@KNOWITALL Thats something ill try also. Maybe it’s just a protection thing. I’ve seen them all get hurt and it bothered me a great deal. I give some of them unwanted advice sometimes because of my selfish reasons of not wanting to see them get hurt again some how.

I can’t help thinking, based on your chosen user name and the way you told us yourself what a great communicator you are, rather than letting us determine that for ourselves, that you may often be trying to prove that. Don’t ask me how I have come to this conclusion. I don’t want to relive my own adolescence here.

My own advice would be along the lines of what @Jeruba has been saying, but more blunt: shut up and listen more and talk a lot less.

@CWOTUS I haven’t been on fluther long enough for you guys to know that about me in enough time to figure out how to answer my question.

I think you should listen to @Jeruba. Ask them. Tactfully. You don’t have to say they are being defensive. It could be that you are coming across as blunt and arrogant. I have a colleague who says the most inappropriate things and I am quite sure she has no idea how offensive she is. The only way for you to really know is to ask – without blaming them.

NO, no, no! Don’t give advice. LOL
It’s a problem with the way most men think. They often confuse venting with wanting advice. Guys don’t usually vent and choose to hold things in till they explode or it comes out in other ways. It is funny how people say women are like night and day. It really has more to do that we vent and let the rage out of our system.

Guys tend to hold it in and it comes out in other ways that are not productive, or they go to someone for advice. Women do too. Ask for advice, but it can be trickier. Most of the time they know what they have to do to rectify the situation but if its a situation, where both options suck then we opt to vent a little. Sometimes it will give us a clear enough head to think of a more viable solution.

Don’t feel bad. I do it too. I know this may seem sexist but I have noticed this pattern among the men and women in my life. All my male relatives will usually take advice well and will either take it or leave it. The women in my life are pretty prickly. I have to be 100% certain that when they ask for advice they really mean it.

I do it as well. I don’t take advice well unless I was really looking for advice. I’ve learned not to casually ask someone for advice unless I mean to actually listen. I’ve also learned to tell those I care about that I need to vent and make it clear I am not looking for advice. Just need someone to listen.

I would get the same reaction from my wife. Took me a while to learn that it wasn’t so much the advice she objected to…

…it was, she didn’t want to hear that advice from me.

So (as difficult as it was) I had to master just listening unless specifically asked to share an opinion.

And then I had to learn to express that opinion in such a manner that she wouldn’t interpret it to be an attack.

So much easier to just keep my opinion to myself.

I admit to being one of those girls a few times.
Girls are sensitive. I have never seen you be an a-hole to anyone, but communication is a tricky thing. Sometimes we misunderstand what people mean.

Lol Thank everyone for answering my question :)

I am sure you are not being a -hole and as a girl myself taking advice from people kinda annoys me and i cant stand it if they did even if it is true . So maybe just tell a white lie that they might want to hear . I tell other people advice which annoys them, so sometimes i just make myself lie to make the conversation civil… :P

If your a good communicator then just tell them how it makes you feel.
having good friends around you means that they should be accepting of
how you express yourself, without making you feel like you are walking
on eggshells. After all you accept them and are willing to hold back?

Note: No one can make you feel anything without your permission.