Is it wrong to date a friend's ex?

If you have to keep this from him then the short answer is yes it must be wrong. :(

I think it somewhat depends on the circumstances of their breakup and how close of a friend he was. They broke up and it’s not like you are cheating behind his back with his ex. Besides, you knew her before he did. I think you put it well and admirably, if you’re being honest about your regrets for the deception. It would have been better if you had just been up front about it rather than hiding it, but we all make mistakes and I could imagine being similarly cowardly in your place so I have to be sympathetic or it would be hypocritical.

They broke up already so you don’t need his “approval” but by not getting it you may lose his friendship. So it goes….

If it’s serious vs. casual it is even more excusable in my eyes. After all, if it was meant to be, it will be.

You guys are Eskimo brothers now :P

I think it mostly depends on the potential you see between you and your friend’s ex. If you think this may be the love of your life, then a true friend will get over hurt feelings and would ultimately be happy for you both in the long run.

However, you say that it’s not a serious relationship, and to me that means that you take your friendship even less seriously than this casual fling.

Ideally, I think one should ask the friend their thoughts and feelings before starting a romantic involvement with their ex.

My closest male friends were my fraternity brothers. They have been close supportive friends for 40 years now, we were in each others weddings, godfathers to each other’s kids. Other than not moving in on somebody a friend is actively seeing, the guy code is a myth. It was perfectly acceptable if a guy broke up with a girl for someone to call her that night and ask her out.

Your big mistake was trying to keep it a secret. If you were open and honest and upfront, you can always say, “you were broken up”. But by keeping it secret you are stating there was something left of his relationship with the girl, and you are being sneaky.

Be open, be honest, go apologize for not being direct and straightforward with him. DO NOT apologize for dating the girl. You are dating her and there is nothing about that to apologize for.

Well, this actually happened to me, and my friend didn’t even care that I dated her ex (probably because my friend was the one who broke it off). So the circumstances surrounding the breakup most certainly matter. For me it was the same situation- he and I were VERY close friends before they ever even dated and I crushed on him the whole time before. Listen, you cannot control who you are attracted to, so I wouldn’t say that you should feel guilty. Now lying on the other hand, that breaks trust. If your looking to keep both relationships, all you can do is be honest to all. Like @hearkat said, if you don’t see it going far with the girl, you may have an easier time brushing it off to your friend as more of a nonchalant/ innocent encounter. It all depends on where you see things going. Good luck!

If you value the friendship….there has to be trust on both sides. He probably does not trust you? However you may have handled it poorly…in future you should have had enough trust in your friend and told him that you were interested in his ex.
Neither of you two guys have possession of the girl!..although you both talk like you do..like she has no choices?
it will take time( perhaps after your friend finds someone else) to heal.

@nofurbelowsbatgirl Would you mind elaborating on that a bit?
@Earthgirl I was honest, haha. I do think my biggest singular mistake here was in lying, and I do regret it.
@uberbatman OH GOD, I hadnt thought of that lol.
@hearkat I think talking to him about this beforehand would have been the wisest course of action, I think I was just too scared to do it at the time. As for how seriously I take our friendship, that’s something I haven’t thought of. He and I were close once, but him being in college and my being high school complicates that. Not that that is either one of our faults, but still. I don’t think that we have been as close this year as we have been in years past.
@zenvelo I talked to him after the fact, and did apologize for lying to him. Like you said, however, I didn’t apologize for dating the girl in question. I do not think it is in either one of us to dictate who the other dates, but I do believe I did him an injustice by lying to him.
@Evelyn_475 Thanks! Hopefully everything turns out alright in the end. I hope this whole episode serves as a reminder about telling the truth somewhere down the line.
@Inspired_2write He may not trust me now, and I accept that I am to blame for that. I hope he heals, I am always willing to be his friend. And you’re right, neither one of us does have possession of this girl. Her choice in this is as important as mine own.

Dating a friend’s ex is fine in most cases. Lying to your friend about it (or even just keeping it a secret) is not fine. You don’t need anyone’s permission to date whoever you want, but giving your friend a heads up would have been the right thing to do.

@Joker94 Ok. Well first I’m going to say that you don’t need anyones approval. That part doesn’t concern me. However the idea that you had to keep it from your friend to spare his feelings does tell me something.

You obviously know your friend very well because you know his feelings on the subject.

I am not telling you that you don’t have the right to choose. BUT to be fair if you are going to choose a girl over a long time friend then don’t you think you should of thought hard about that choice before you exiled your long time friend from the mix? I mean what if you had confronted him before anything happened and told him your feelings on the girl, at least it would be all out in the open and you wouldn’t look like such a betrayer.

Because honestly if I was your friend I would be more upset that you could’nt talk to me about any of this, not about the fact that you have feelings for her that honestly you probably can’t help.

So if you had of said something to him before you persued her or even after the first time you and her knew something was there then it may have looked better, wouldn’t it?

And did her and him break up on good terms or bad terms? Because if it was bad terms then I also understand why he would be a little upset because now he may not be able to hang out with you him and “the girl” without having feelings of tension.

Then again maybe she’s just that type of girl who thrives on that, I can’t judge though I don’t know, she could be the total opposite.

So now does my short answer make more sense?

@nofurbelowsbatgirl Thanks for expanding on that! I definitely should have been honest with him about that in the first place, I think that was my biggest mistake here. He asked me at a time when I wasn’t yet ready to tell him about me seeing this girl, and when I wasn’t prepared to have that conversation. I got nervous, and flaked out, which I wish I could change.

And I would say they ended their relationship on ok-terms. He broke up with her several months ago and she took it pretty badly at first, but it wasn’t a messy break-up, for the most part.

@Joker94 ok, well I am not sure what this guy means to you as a friend. I’ve always heard the saying “bros before hoes” and no I don’t support that :/

I feel like I am missing something here though, like maybe you two aren’t really that great of friends? I mean if you were you should be able to talk to him without being nervous, at least thats what I think.

I hope it works out for you.

@nofurbelowsbatgirl I’m not a big supporter of any Bro Code, it’s never been upheld by others where I was concerned, and I think the whole notion is a little ridiculous.

He and I are close, or were. He’s in college now, and I’m a senior in high school, and that kind of complicates things. Not that it’s anyone’s fault. We’re just not as close as we used to be.

Either way, thank you.

Maybe your friend has moved on already and you are stressing over something that has been solved.
He learned a lesson…that when he breaks up…..it could be for good and not temporary..as if he could go back and pick up where he left off without reprecussions?
And You have learned a lesson too….to check that both the girlfriend and boyfriend are in fact “finished” as far as their relationshipas boyfrien and girlfriend.
Usually one party “hopes” that they will get back together? ( sometimes just as a “spare” ).