Is self-criticism ever "real"?

Maybe you need the Serenity Prayer. Are you familiar with it?

Great question. From what I have seen, people have a concept of self that is made up of these thin ideas about who they are – ideas and stories that they perpetually tell themselves. When actually faced with the option to drop one of these, there can be huge resistance even if the quality/personality trait is harmful.

Whether or not people can really change is another question. What does that even mean in the context of a thing that is hard to nail down in the first place? Are we what we do, are we what we feel, or are we what we think? What if we respond differently? Have we changed? What if we act the same – but with different intentions? Is it possible to find any 2 days in someone’s life and make the claim that the person in day 1 was the same person in day 2? Am I and the 15-year-old @tom_g the same person? Are we just walking habits? Or are we just playing out the inevitable actions that countless variables, including our genes and previous experiences dictate?

jinx!

@tom_g GA your answer very much reminded me of my Buddhist philosophy class.

Negative self-talk is not the same as thinking about your negative traits.

It is an ingrained pattern of tearing oneself down.

If I had the traits that you described I would ant to change them. Change is possible by first recognizing patterns, and then putting new behaviors in place. It is best done with the help of a therapist.

Even if you change behaviors you are still you just, perhaps, a better, more filly realized, you.

A very good question.

So there’s this paradox: How do I reconcile the fact that I have these traits that seem to constantly cause unnecessary suffering for me or others with the fact that my well-being demands self-acceptance. You have to find a way to recognize and adjust the harmful behaviors while honoring the reality that you embody right now.

For me, this has been a matter of seeing that harmful tendencies are actually just misapplications of some fundamentally good qualities. These good qualities get perverted to harmful ends because of our failure to understand some basic truths. Seen this way, it isn’t so much a matter of getting rid of the energies behind the harmful actions as it is of seeing more clearly the truth of the matter.

I would say, for example, that hatred is really a perversion of one’s sense of justice; greed is really a perversion of one’s generosity; laziness is a perversion of equanimity; irritability is a perversion of one’s love of harmony, etc.

In all of these cases, there’s a core misunderstanding of reality that twists these good qualities off into a harmful direction. I can appreciate, then, that the misunderstandings are the problem, not the traits themselves. There’s nothing to be gotten rid of and nothing to be acquired. Things just need to be seen more clearly, and the traits will realize their more beneficial potential.

You can control yourself and you can change. As we age, our potential for change gets slimmer, so it’s important we work on ourselves constantly.

I have learned a lot about myself over the last ten years (age 30–40), and am not always pleased. All you can do is use it as a learning experience, this life we have that is, and try to be better.

Controlling – now that’s an issue I have as well, especially since I’m the main breadwinner now due to my husband’s illness and more responsibility has been put on me. I tend to try to control everything because life is ‘out of my control’, so (and this may or may not be for you), but I pray to God and reliquish my controlling tendencies to Him. It works for me.

want not ant
more fully (not filly)

For those of us who (mentally) are given to self-criticism, it is very real. It may not be justified, considering the intricate mechanism that each human being represents, but (generally) emotions over-rule the mind.

It’s only as real as you want it to be.

Just bear in mind that nobody is capable of actually lying to themselves.

Thanks for all those answers!
@Adirondackwannabe – is that the one about accepting what you can’t change, but having the strength to change what you can? Something I should remember when I’m too controlling, definitely.
@tom_g : Loved your answer, especially the part about what “change” actually means. Made me think.
@bookish1 Beat you to it, though (haha!)
@marinelife and @KNOWITALL : Yes, I suppose I could change my actions if I really wanted to. @thorninmud pretty much said what I would have liked to say regarding this. I tried to, but couldn’t put it into words. (thanks, @thorninmud)!
@Linda_Owl Good point. There might just be people less prone to criticizing themselves.
@Blondesjon I’m not sure I understand what you mean by saying that nobody’s capable of lying to themselves. I agree, but what are you referring to?

In a roundabout way I guess was just observing that the very concept of true self-criticism deems that it is always real.

I think a lot of folks question whether it’s real or not because they confuse self-criticism with self-criticism’s shitty, deadbeat brother-in-law, passive/aggressiveness.

Ah…right, I got it! I guess I’m confusing these two, as well. Or, as @marinelife said, negative self-talk and self-criticism. I just realized that’s what I was asking, in a way. If you differentiate between recognizing your negative traits on the one hand and thinking less of yourself because of them on the other, then self-criticism would be defined as the former…right? I hope I’m still making sense.

@longgone Yes. I can look up the exact wording if you want.

I was just googling it:

“God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.”

—Reinhold Niebuhr

I would need the atheists’ version, but the message stays the same, of course. I like it. Thanks!

@longgone I’m glad you found the long version. It’s an amazing work. And I’m not a theist.

I am consumed with self-loathing. It hurts, it is destructive, but I try to focus on self improvement.

We tend to overlook one obvious fact:

Everything we do is a choice.

We usually make decisions that allow us to experience a desired consequence, but we often deny we have any control whatsoever.

For example, we’re most likely to say (and believe) that someone “makes” us do certain things or “makes” us feel a certain way. The reality is we choose to do and feel a particular way because we want to. More often than not, our choice enables us to avoid possible negative consequences of not making a particular choice.

Denying our_choice in various situations enables us to deny responsibility for the consequences of that which we _ourselves create.

I say all this to point out, we are the way we are because we derive some form of satisfaction in being the way we are. If we didn’t like or derive some sort of benefit…even at an unconscious level…from being who or what we are…

…we’d be something else, or behave in a different manner.

I think the real question has nothing to do with so-called faults. The real question is why you believe you have these faults? And if you really believe who you are if faulty, what do you choose to do about it?

And if you choose not to do anything about it, acknowledge that too.

It’s really as easy as “making another choice”. But you have to be honest about it. Calling your choice anything other than what it is does nothing but provide a temporary form of cheap (and dishonest) amusement.

Have you ever noticed how you behave when you really want something? You become so focused on achieving that goal that nothing short of death can stop you. It really is true that you can achieve whatever you want to achieve provided you invest the necessary time, energy and/or money.

Stands to reason that if you haven’t obtained a desired goal, you haven’t worked hard enough to achieve it.

Or you don’t really want to achieve it. It’s not worth the investment.

So it seems to me that self-criticism, in some circumstances, is a means to punish yourself for not changing something in your life that you really don’t want to change.

Yet, you buy into other people’s opinions about what/who you should be. You may even make a half-hearted attempt to meet those expectations. Failing to do so…‘cause you don’t really want to anyway…you attempt to compensate by making yourself feel miserable about it.

Sounds ridiculous when you reason it out.

Then there’s self-criticism as defense mechanism.

“I know I’m a screw-up but I’m going to deny you the opportunity of embarrassing me by embarrassing myself.”

This is also known as, “fishing for compliments”.

Once you’re exposed yourself as unworthy, it’s my job to build your self esteem. It’s not long before you realize this person is using self-criticism as a crutch. They’ll give you a variety of reasons why they can’t do whatever it is there’re supposed to be doing.

This gets old real fast.

I’m in the process of teaching new job skills to employees at work whose job has been eliminated. One woman in my class specializes in self-criticism. She likes to use these critiques while I’m giving her personal instruction in tasks she’s not learning particularly well. Like…while I’m talking to her. The last time she did this I stopped talking to her and walked away. She was astonished by my behavior. I apologized and offered her an acceptably polite explanation.

My explanation translated to:

* You’ve made it very clear how incompetent you are.

* I accept your incompetence.

* I don’t have time to waste on incompetence.

Thankfully, this student has dialed down her self-criticism enough to where I can squeeze in a bit of instruction.

@filmfann : I’m sorry to hear that. But I’m glad you’ve noticed and are trying to go easier on yourself!
@SABOTEUR Thanks for your input, you’re right.