What do you do when the family you have is not the family you need?

Wow, your question just seems alien to me.

I have aunts and uncles and cousins and second cousins that I see maybe once or twice a year, some of them I like, some I don’t. But that doesn’t leave me feeling any sort of lack. I don’t feel any urge to spend more time than that with them, nothing particularily lacking in my life.

I’m relatively close to my immediate family, but I don’t spend that much time with them (even though some of them are in the same city). We just don’t hang out that much, and that’s fine.

What is it that you’d like to be different? What are you missing?

Because my immediate family was toxic, and my extended family is small and separated by physical distance, my family was never the family I needed or wanted. I learned that friends are the family we choose, and so I fill my life with the people who provide me the company and sense of connection that my biological relatives never did or could.

Reminds me of my cousin, who complained to my mom that we (my siblings and I) don’t seem to have time for him. But he is in his early 60s yet for 30 years has always tried to take advantage of our friendliness and good will. Finally, after years of him not reciprocating with the least bit of concern, we all stopped bending over to see him.

It’s great when you can have a good relationship with cousins, aunts, and uncles. But there is little obligation if the people aren’t willing to be sociable. My kids love hanging out with their cousins, but I don’t think they are obligated for much more than the big family gatherings.

All those relatives simply don’t count, not in the big scheme of things, they’re expendable & were only ever useful as money givers when we were kids…firm but fair.

In the example you mention, the thing that is wrong is that the family members and I have nothing in common. They are not abusive, toxic or otherwise bad for me. In that case, is there something to do other than be polite the times we get together? Okay, so maybe I can’t have some deep connection with them, but how many people can you really have a deep, profound connection with?
In the perfect world, everybody but this is not the perfect world. To quote The Rolling Stones: “You can’t always get what you want.”

Are you sure that you have to see them except at funerals and weddings? I would reexamine that premise.

Limit contact as much as you can.

Life is too short to be stuck with people you have nothing in common with, who are disapproving, etc.

You have family here. Of the heart.

Not see them often and grin and bear it when you do.

@tups You forget that “If you try, sometimes you get what you need”.

On the rare occasions you do have to be with them, conduct yourself with the utmost respect, courtesy and grace. Be the most civil person there. Be on your best behavior and put on a class act.

Remember the cardinal rule – You can’t change anyone but yourself

I was kind of confused by this question, like @syz. If you don’t have to see them too often, and they are not bad people, what’s the problem?

I guess you should just be grateful that the worst you have to deal with is malaise, and not toxic/abusive relationships or relatives who are addicts, thieves, etc.

@rojo: “If you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.” I thought that line was all about perception.

@cookieman do you have to see them? I fall into the @syz and @bookish1 camp in being unsure what the problem is but if it’s a problem for you, perhaps you can avoid seeing them.

I live so far away from my extended family that when I did see them, it was a joy. I also, even as a teenager, used to love seeing some of my aunts and uncles. They were lovely, kind people.

Hey folks. Thank you for the responses thus far.

To answer the repeat question above: ‘Yes’, I do have to see them. These are family members I interact with regularly. Elderly inlaws, older aunts, my wife’s favorite nephew and his three kids. I have some manner of obligation to them all and basically, am stuck with them.

My father-in-law hasn’t said more than ten words to me in 25 years. My mother-in-law loves to talk so long as its about how much her bills cost. My nephew only calls me when he needs something. My brother-in-law would love to hang out, so long as we’re drinking, smoking cigars, or gambling (none of which I do). And so on.

And yes, as @bookish1 mentions, I am grateful they are not toxic, addicts, or worse. In fact, I already lived through that with my mother, and uncle, and father, grandfathers. This is certainly better, but it’s not exactly satisfying either.

I guess I’m just looking for relationships with something “more”. Intelligent conversation, shared interests, someone to ask, “so, how are you doing?”

Perhaps it’s just a pipe dream.

:-) perhaps your next question should be what sort of believable excuses can you come up with for me to give to my family so I don’t have to visit the distant and not so distant rellies. Might help cut down the visits and the pain!

@cookieman: To find people with shared interests, figure out what your interests are and which you’d like to pursue further and share with others. There are groups on the web about every possible topic, and groups you can find through Meetup.com that are based on interests.

Ask not what your family can do for you. But ask what you can do for your family.

It sounds like what you need are a couple of good friends. I’d re-examine how necessary your presence really is at these gatherings, especially if all this extended family interaction makes it impossible to have time for more meaningful relationships. Life really is too short to spend in endless obligation to others (outside your immediate family), for too little reward. No one is going to die if you’re not at every event, even if they get a bit miffed. Excuse yourself from the family functions that really aren’t mandatory, and use that time to cultivate friendships.

For what it’s worth, my husband and I frequently see our own family members without dragging the other along. There are very few family events we feel strongly enough about to insist that the other attends, too (graduations of our own children, big recitals, etc.) Then again, we both have reputations as ‘hermits’, but we’re fine with that. ;)

Form a wonderful circle of close, loving, caring friends. Haven’t you ever heard that friends are the family we get to choose?