How to deal with my visiting mother?

I have difficulty talking to my mother over the phone. She’s 82 years old. The world has changed, and she doesn’t like it.

However, my mother is not here in my house letting in stray cats. I feel for you. I really do.

When I’m having a difficult conversation with my mother over the phone, I remember to breathe deeply and silently thank my lucky stars she’s 3000 miles away.

huh? why don’t you put her up in a hotel. Have brunch on Sunday. Or, just let it be. If you have a nanny and a driver and are this upset about such small beans, let it all go crazy and don’t worry about it. Have the housekeeper take care of the stray cats. Have a nice glass of wine and enjoy your family.

@Hawaii_Jake Thanks…

@trailsillustrated
I cannot put her in a hotel. That just won’t work (and can’t be done).
We want to have her over… we truly do… it just works out in such shitty way.
And yes… they’re small beans… but it is a continuous poor of small beans. I can give over 100 examples like the ones above.

(Sunday is a working day here. As you may know from some of my past posts, I live in the Middle East. We need a driver and a nanny to function, here. It is not out of luxury. There is no day care, my wife can’t drive. The school is 20 minutes from home. My mother cannot just check into a hotel by herself.)

And of course… I am venting as well. It just helps me to share and hear how others may deal with similar situations.

I used to go to the loo and take a few minutes to calm down when dealing with my stepmother who could be totally irrational at times. Sometimes you just need to get away to stop yourself saying what you really want to say but you know will cause a major incident if you do.

Sorry but in my house it’s my rules, politely of course.

@Arewethereyet
How can I politely explain that I don’t like to see any 78 year old women in their underwear in my living room, or worse in my backyard? She will not take any remarks like that without going into being rejected mode.

The true problem is that I suspect she knows she annoys all around her, she is just waiting for someone to react so she can be rejected again. I’m in foul mode, I know

Hi @whitenoise My mother has full blown Alzheimer’s so I can understand that it’s difficult. I feel for you I do. Why does she take her clothes off in the living room or outside do you think? My mum did some weird stuff in the beginning and didn’t like being called on it. She tjought I was always too judgemental. In retrospect I didn’t realize she was developing dementia at the time but now with hindsight all the pieces fall together.

If you don’t want to upset her then there’s not much you can do except lock yourself in the toilet or car and scream for a while, that works for me most of the time. Or perhaps wearing yourself out physically like running etc. Getting grumpy with her is not really the solution is it, you are just going to feel bad afterwards. The experience does have an end date though which is something to look forward too I guess.

@whitenoise My impression is your mom has quite a bit of anxiety. All these things she does is to calm her own anxiety or her tape in her head that causes her to worry.

I agree about the rejection mode.

The cat thing, couldn’t she maybe feed them a hundred feet away from the house? Some sort of compromise so they are fed while she is there but don’t directly associate food with your house.

It seems to me the kids can still ride their bikes over to get their friend. I know your mom is worried about that, but that solves the pool problem right? Reassure her it is not her responsibility if something God forbid happened. If the children are under her care, it probably makes her extremely uncomfortable to let them do something she believes is dangerous. As I write that I think it is impossible to actually do it. If I were responsible for someone else’s kids I would have a really hard time letting them do something I thought was dangerous.

As far as the driver, she just has to get over it. Is there any chance she simply feels unsafe with the chauffer?

Obviously, she has a hard time adjusting to the cultural differences in your current country compared to her own.

Any chance talking to her might help? Acknowledge that you perceive visiting has been stressful for her, and you also had an adjustment period in understanding the culture and way of life. Maybe you can talk it through, she will feel she can vent as well. You can explain better how you accepted the way of life there and where you still have difficuties.

@Arewethereyet
I suspect her of onset dementia. The reason she got into her underwear was that she spilled some tea on her blouse and wanted to wash it.

The biggest problem is the vicious cycle we run into.

She acts rejected, which she always did as an emotional weapon, for which I developed an allergy. This allergy triggers frustration and aggression, which in return makes her insecure and aggravates her behavior.

@whitenoise Is she there for just a week?

don’t subscribe to emotional blackmail. let her feel rejected.

In the early days with mum’s dementia she stopped accepting responsibility for things that happened, blamed every one or thing, especially me. As I said before in hindsight I get it now but at the time I couldn’t understand and got really frustrated with her and yes she felt she couldn’t do a thing right around me. That’s all changed now as I don’t take things personally with her anymore.

Sounds like your mum is really stressed and anxious in that strange environment, it must be like another planet for her.

It’s one week right? Love her, give her a hug, reassure her and know its not forever.

That’s actually the sad bit for me watching my precious mum disappearing a bit more each day for the last 3 years knowing I’ll never have her back. I know embrace each moment I have with her as a gift.

@Arewethereyet

I feel with you and for you.

The irony is that my mother went through a very tough time with her mother when she demented. She suffered and always said that she wants to be euthanized if ever she gets dementia.

@Jleslie she’ll leave in about a week again.

Not much else you can do besides (un)grin and bear it and keep thinking what a relief it’ll be when she’s gone.

Thanks @Pachyderm.

I’ll do that…
And run to the car to scream.

:)

@whitenoise, I feel your pain. Been there.

Mantra 1: it’s only a week. We can do this.
Mantra 2: when she’s dead and gone none of this will matter.
Mantra 3: I will treat my mom so I will have no regrets when she’s gone.

I’m just remembering all the times my mom irritated me and how much I would give to be irritated one more time.

@Judi…. Thanks.

re “I’m just remembering all the times my mom irritated me and how much I would give to be irritated one more time.”

That’s putting on some perspective.

I’m with @Judi. Grin and bear it, and when she is gone you will miss this.

@filmfann
I am already missing the strong woman that she used to be.

M.D. – graduated in the sixties
Born in Indonesia, spent years in Japanese concentration camps, during WW II.
Married my father, started a private practice to work as a family doctor, while he got his PHD and the training to become a cardiologist. She then ends up raising two children by herself,while his second wife has the big house, the boat and the trips to the bahamas.

I still love her, more than (almost) anything… it is just so freakishly hard to have her around. :-/

Future visits:

Arrange them shorter.

Set her up in a hotel so that you have some time Mom-free during her stay.

Or you visit her and stay in a hotel thus being able to control the length of your stay and how much you see her.

For now:

Don’t let the nanny go no matter what your mother says,

Keep the driver outside the house and tell the kinds to just get in the car and wait for grandma, and then have him take them to the pool they want to go to.

Arrange a dinner party in honor of her visit. She will have to be on her best behavior and it will use up a whole evening.

Be patient. Count the days in your head.

Can you get her to start recording her stories? She sounds like an amazing woman.
One of my favorite quotes:
“When an old person dies a library burns to the ground.”
Feeling useful may help her feel less like a victim.

Nice idea, @Judi

GAs, @Judi.

You’re stuck with her. I know the situation but with a different relative. I actually called him out on it by saying: “Please go to place A instead of B.” As soon as he started to object, I cut him off and said “Sorry, I know you always have to say the opposite. I forgot. I meant to say please go to place B instead of A.” He was stunned. He couldn’t even object with out proving my point. It made a difference.
I silently call him Mr Opposite.

Have you tried the old trick of asking her questions rather than issuing statements.

It may (and note that I say “may”) force her to rethink what she says.

Mom, can you hear what I am saying?

Mom, are you prepared to cooperate with any of my requests? Some of them? One?

Which one?

Do you want to do what the kids want to do today or do you prefer to argue with me?

Dealing with dementia, when things get bad, I tell myself it’s just going to get worse (which it will) and it’s easier to accept. At least she’ll be going home and you can get some respite. You’re capable of being patient. Take a deep breath and accept what is. It isn’t going to change for the better.

Her behavior is not typical of dementia. Her responses sound too rational. It sounds like simply wanting to piss everyone off as much as possible and knowing exactly how to do it.

Has she been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s? That is different from senile dementia. No fun, either way, I know.

When she appears in her underwear or some other unsuitable outfit, complement her. Mom, that’s a good way to fight the heat. (Or say nothing.)

I am saying this half jokingly. ~
You are one who accepted this great assignment and suddenly became the big shot. She did not have the same opportunity when you were growing up. Maybe she is harboring a bit of jealously and/or resentment.

I am puzzled by some of your responses. It’s your house, your rules. Instead of long winded explanations, how about a simple NO – especially the one about the cats.

“I’d rather not” is a very wimpy comment. NO, MOM, NO STRAY CATS IN MY HOUSE would work much better. I like the idea above, feed them outside if you must.

The rest of your complaints sound so nit picky that I wonder if you are just letting her push your buttons for no good reason.

The only person you can change is yourself, and as the people above are saying, work on your attitude.

@YARNLADY thank you.

It’s not that easy. You’re right, she’s pushing my buttons.

I’d rather not Is a translation. My statement was in Dutch, polite and friendly. There was however no doubt about what I wanted. Had I be firmer right away, as I have been at moments as well, she’d have reacted hurt and mistreated right away. It was 645 am. Not the time of day I want to act like a drill sergeant.

She is getting old, her bag jot us changing. She is however far from senile and she is not innocent.

I feel that the stress of her recent trip just has given her a nasty mood.

I don’t think my attitude is the root of the problem. Unless my inability to deal with her playing guilt trips is part of my attitude.

@whitenoise Yes, I was referring to your efforts to deal with it. All we can do is change the way we choose to respond to outside influences that we have no control over. I hope I don’t come across as being unfeeling in my comments here, but our response is a choice. No one can make you mad, or make you feel guilty. That is a choice you make, and you can choose not to feel that way.

:) @YARNLADY

Tempted to invite you over and spend some time with my mother.

But yes, of course you’re right. I am the one that allows himself to get angry and agitated. But the situation isn’t merely me and my mum. There are three more people in the house. My wife and kids are equally on edge at the moment.

Heavenly bliss.

My mantra “no regrets”

More wine, long warm bath with a locked door. The nanny has a job, let her do it and give yourself a break. Mom and the kids are too much in large doses.

@KNOWITALL.

If only we could buy wine, here. Life would be a lot better.

Big drawback in the middle east no wine!

It’s a hard lesson to learn. Just today one of my grandsons who lives with me made me mad, and I had a hard time convincing myself that I was doing it to myself.

@whitenoise: Next time (assuming that there is a next time) can you negociate with her before she arrives or even decides to come or even gets invited?

Perhaps draw up a contract or a prescription (after all, she is an MD. and knows something about being a compliant and responsible patient)

@gailcalled called :-O ^ negotiate.

Another five hours….

LOL.

I always feel badly that by the time the week is over (my parents usually visit for a week) I am counting the minutes until relief and freedom comes again.