Guys who date guys: How long should I wait?

Ooo! I may be wrong, but this is the first serious gay dating question I can remember on Fluther. I love it!

I face this same issue with my current relationship. We’ve known each other a year. He lives on the other side of the island, and we were only able to see each other about once or twice each month until January when I started flying off island for job training every other week. I haven’t seen my boyfriend for 2.5 months. And during this whole year, we’ve only graduated to hugs and kisses on the cheeks.

We’re taking things quite slowly obviously, and we’re doing it on purpose. We want this to be something that will last. We’re testing whether this might be a life-long relationship. We’re not interested in half measures.

I remember hugging quite early on. I don’t see any harm in that. I also remember touching hands and arms. A hand on a leg, however, seems too much too soon.

I don’t remember when we started kissing on the cheek. It was some time after 6 or 7 months.

I was once taught that relationships can all be described using FARM. You may just be looking for a f*ck, or you may be looking for an affair. You might want a relationship, or finally you may be after a marriage. You get to decide together what you’re looking for.

Good luck and enjoy.

@Hawaii_Jake 6–7 months for a kiss on the cheek?! I’d give up long before that. :)

I’m not a guy, but I do date them. While dating between men is admittedly a bit different than us breeders, I don’t think the “rules” are a whole lot different. Then again, I say fuck the rules. Just go with the flow and do what feels right. If you think “I’m going to wait until the third month to kiss him,” you’re limiting yourself and it can easily become more of a game (or even work) than a relationship. Dating should be fun, it shouldn’t create premature pressure. If you want to kiss him on date 2 or 3, go for it! Relationships don’t generally end because the couple rushed into kissing. Sex, yeah, but not kissing.

Hetero guy, but I’d say go for it. I expect a kiss on the first date if it goes well. If there’s nothing clicking between us then no kiss. Sex waits til we’re more comfortable with each other, but making out is always great.

@Hawaii_Jake : I’m very glad to hear that things are going well with you and your gentleman friend. That’s rough that you don’t get to see him very often though! Thank you for your response. Also the bit about FARM is interesting… I think I’ve gone through that backwards as I’ve grown up O_o

@livelaughlove21 : lulz you said breeders Thank you for your advice. Definitely don’t want to limit the potential with a bunch of rules. Just wanted some sort of perspective, since what I am used to doing with guys is skipping the romance and going straight for the sex. But I don’t know how I could wait for 6 months or even 3 to kiss someone I was dating!

@Adirondackwannabe, Thank you :) I haven’t been on an official date in so long, that I was just not on my game. He went in for a kiss at the very end, but I just did a bro hug >_< Was absolutely not expecting a goodnight kiss, haha.

Does guy-on-guy dating have the old first, second and third base rules between a boy and girl that I grew up with, admittedly in the pre-pill era when getting pregnant was easy and being pregnant and unmarried was hellish?

Is there anything comparable?

@gailcalled: I have no idear. I’ve been many things, but I’ve never been straight :-p

(I am trying to imagine what second base might entail for guy-on-guy dating. No, don’t tell me.)

@gailcalled Groping, of course.

1st – kissing
2nd – wiener/booty gropage
3rd – oral/rimming
Home – anal intercourse

Ah, bases. Feels like middle school all over again.

@livelaughlove21 Thanks for clarifying that, not.

@Adirondackwannabe My pleasure. ;)

Admittedly, I probably know more about sex between two men than I do about hetero sex. Well, as much as one can know without possessing a penis, testicles, and a prostate. Le sigh…

@livelaughlove21 I’d ask how you know but I’m scared of the answer. I couldn’t figure out second base, not to mention the rest.

FWIW, I have tow gay male couples with whom I am very close; at our age we can talk about anything and have…sex, cooking, sex, gardening, sex, pets, sex, politics.

Neither of the couples have or had anal interccourse, so they might call that fourth base.

@Adirondackwannabe It all started with a little show called Queer as Folk, which ruined me for straight sex for good. Then it moved on to my own research/reading that eventually led to gay porn (not that porn is in any way indicative of real sex). Also, talking to gay men about sex is quite enlightening for me. My husband is thankful for this education, as it’s how I learned to give a stellar blow-job and it gave me a whole new kind of appreciation for the male body.

@gailcalled Gay male couples that don’t have anal sex? That’s new for me. Is that due to some religious belief? “It’s not a sin unless you act on it” type of thing? Or do they just not like it for some reason?

Not at all. Simply what they enjoy and find pleasurable.

@gailcalled Hm. Well, to each his own. They’re allowed to stop at 2nd base if they like. Some straight people feel that way too, I’m sure.

@bookish1 Yes, FARM is an interesting way to look at relationships. We as gay men often go about things backwards. We are aculturated that way, since historically we can’t marry, we might as well skip intimacy.

@livelaughlove21 I did the math on the 6 months and tried to remember. That was probably date 8 that we kissed on the cheek. So far, we’ve always met in public, and a public display of affection between 2 men draws unwanted attention. Most gay men are taught to be safe. There are people who kill us to be blunt.

@Hawaii_Jake Ah, I didn’t realize all of your interactions were in public. Though, I’d probably get myself killed if I were gay, because I wouldn’t refrain from kissing my date because other people may not like it.

My sister is a lesbian in a stereotypically “obvious” way. When we go out together, often with her daughter, we get dirty looks when people down here in the Bible Belt assume we’re a couple. I tend to hold her hand or sit very close to her just to piss them off.

Gay men are treated more harshly though, I realize that.

@livelaughlove21 : Yeah, it’s surprising, but I have heard statistics that the majority of gay men do not have anal sex, or that is not their primary interest. And that’s funny, I figured that second base for gay guys would be oral or at least mutual…

@Hawaii_Jake : For sure. I inflicted all sorts of interesting mental jiujitsu on myself growing up… Because I knew I wasn’t a straight “woman,” I thought my only option was to be a gay “woman.” I actually plunged head first into relationships from the very beginning. I had to consciously learn how to approach having casual sex at the very end of college! And now I’m learning how to approach relationships all over again, this time with men :-p

@bookish1 All the ones I know certainly enjoy it.

If 2nd is oral, what would 3rd be? Maybe 2nd is hand jobs. I don’t think blow jobs are the gay equivalent of touching a girl’s boobies. Well, men do seem to move a bit quicker than women…

I have no idea what first, second, third base etc. is in a gay or straight relationship. I never got that when I was younger and I know I didn’t follow any rules. I can’t believe the feelings are so different if you are wanting a deeper relationship. You don’t want to come on too strong, to give it all way too easily, to seem easy. You want to spend time getting to know each other and to let things develop slowly. So, I would say don’t overthink it. Let the moment and your instincts guide you. Forget the rule book and live in the moment. Just be conscious of not jumping in too deeply until you have both had time to learn about each other. If the guy is someone you really want to spend time with long term, wait for the moment and have that conversation.

@livelaughlove21 : I have no idea. I am just inclined to think that 2nd base has got to involve more than groping!

@Bellatrix: Thank you. I wasn’t asking for a rule book. But I’ve spent so much of my life planning my next steps (in the academic game) that I probably have forgotten how to live in the moment and just go with what feels right. Funny how you meet people when you are not looking for them… We are both unbelievably busy with school right now, haha.

Whatever the rules, I have my fingers crossed for you! How could he not love you! Just give him time to get to know how beautiful you are!

Thank you, @Bellatrix. That is very sweet of you to say.

I don’t think there are any rules. But I do think their is merit in building a friendship first. Sexual intimacy can distort things. But all in all I think not initiating sexual contact can give out ‘friendship’ only signals. Go with your gut. I have known people who shagged on the first date and have gotten married. (It’s a personal thing)