Any advice for someone starting the actual divorce process?

Take care of yourself and your emotions. If you need something cathartic look for an 80s film about divorce called Shoot the Moon.

Are you changing your name back? I had a changing my name party when things were final. If not, you could just call “Celebrating Being Single Again”. Planning it will give you something to look forward to.

Divorce is a business transaction. I was cautioned to look at it that way, and I didn’t. I have only one regret about that, but it’s all come clean in the wash.

Be prepared for a real roller coaster of intense emotions. Be prepared to hurt all over again. Be prepared for the unexpected in terms of how you expect him to act. Be prepared to move forward and to not allow yourself to wallow in sorrow and the past.

I am glad you have your own attorney. Finish this chapter of your life knowing you’ve done everything within your power to keep the marriage together. Please, don’t lay down like a rug and let anyone walk all over you.

Make sure you are nourished before the meeting and have not had too much liquid.
The one who gets tired or needs to use the bathroom first is at a disadvantage.

Sometimes being civil works AS long as both agree that they want the marriage to dissolve.
In my case it only took five months ( incredible)!
But found out that my partner ‘wanted ” to continue the marriage?
He caused me so much more unneccessary costs! ( emotionally too).
In the end my lawyer knew that I had had enough and helped to end the marriage quickly.
You have to be sure that YOUR lawyer knows what you want and will accomodate your wishes in court.
I also learned that after 11 yrs of marriage that my husband did not love me at all!
Thats when I ended it with no regrets.
However for three years I had hoped that he would contact me and say that he loved me?
He never did say that in the marriage nor after…hense quick divorce after I realized my mistake in marrying him.
It took three years after the divorce before I trusted anyone to even start dating again.
And when I did, I discovered how much my marriage was a sham.
I found both good and bad types of men in my life but I woke up then and thus realized that I was duped, so that my husband could maintain his parents approval.
In the end ( 30 years later ) he came out of the closet! A big surprise!
And it explained a lot.

Make sure you know what YOU want – what are your red lines. And then keep to them. The other side will try and wear you down; it is in the nature of an adversarial relationship. Know your limits.

If you’re parting amiably, why get lawyers? Go through divorce mediation. It’s much less expensive and you end up with an agreed on compromise, not a dragged out fight. The people I know that have done divorce mediation have, in the long term, been happier with the results than those who went through lawyers – particularly where children were involved.

It doesn’t need to be nasty.

I have not been divorced, but having supported some of my friends who have been my advice is have a lawyer who you really feel is fighting for you. And, I don’t mean they are out to get you as much as they can, I mean they are there for you not only in terms of the law, but also that they care about your interests and you as a person. I had a girlfriend in a bad divorce, it is different than your situation, and she hired a lawyer so she would not have to deal with her ex directly. There was a court date or mediation scheduled when the lawyer was going to be out of town, and the lawyer said to her, “you can handle it, you know everything to say.” This was not when they first got divorced, but she was being dragged back into court about their child. Anyway, I could not believe a lawyer would say such a thing.

Be ready for it to be very upsetting and possibly cause you a lot of anger. From what I have observed, divorce is wrenching. Even if it has been a while since the separation, doing the paperwork and making everything officially final final stirs up all sorts of emotions. Have whatever you need during times of high anxiety at the ready. Whether it be a small stash of Xanax, best girlfriends on speed dial, or a therapists number.

I do know many people who get through the process without anything very uncivilized happening, it doesn’t have to be a big battle. I see couples able to agree about most things regarding their divorce and it is over very quickly. But, I guess quick can freak some people out also.

I’ll be thinking about you @janbb I hope things go relatively ok for you during the process.

Identify someone with whom you can talk, even vent, about what’s going on with you emotionally and otherwise. A professional counselor might be best—a third party who can be objective.

Be sure you use a lawyer who specializes in divorce and/or family law.

Rather than two lawyers, I suggest a lawyer and a psychological counselor.

I found that I was grateful to have had a clear and ongoing awareness of our financial issues over the years, so that there were no secrets, no hidden assets or weird surprises.

I can’t help you with the emotional roller coaster. By the time my divorce rolled around, I was ready, very very happy with my lawyer and armed for bear. We negociated civilly through our attorneys, had a few compromises and got out fast.

But we did not have children together.

Keep both your attorney and your therapist on the payroll for now. They serve very different purposes.

Wisdom from the divorce of someone close to me: divorce is not about the emotions. It’s about the division of property. Deal with the emotional issues elsewhere.

I haven’t been through it myself, but I know I would need all kinds of courage, strength, and support to get through it. I hope all you need is there for you.

The one thing I did that I do not regret is getting a cheap lawyer. I fired the first one, the rip off artist. But the most lucrative thing i did was to go to the library and read up on my financial rights. Cheaper lawyers can be too non aggressive so you might get robbed by your ex and your lawyer’s lack of knowledge. I felt I was doing his homework for him but I didn’t mind . I wanted to just make certain I got what was coming to me. Lastly, don’t traumatize yourself by yakking away with your to be ex husband. I wasn’t calling him which would put me at risk for being even more abused by his loud mouth. Make it a clean break and good luck to a happy future!

It is sad but liberating. It isn’t so much about looking back as looking forward. Just make sure your lawyer is very clear about how much it will all cost.

When it come to division of property, remember that the cost in legal fees far exceeds the replacement cost of items in dispute.

Don’t talk to your ex husband directly during the proceedings, that is why you hired the lawyers. This will help you keep your emotions in check, and will prevent you from manipulating or being manipulated by the ex.

Once the papers are signed and delivered, you can establish the relationship you want to have with your ex without the proceedings getting in the way.

Just as @elbanditoroso has said, some people go through their divorce sans lawyer/s, I am one of those. We didn’t need mediation, my husband simply left everything with me, except his own vehicle, we each had our own motor vehicle, our two year old daughter stayed with me which was difficult for him but it seemed the best thing to do. We met at the Family Court and finalised our divorce, leaving the building arm in arm, both sad it was over but knowing it was simply the way things had turned out for us. He has always been a very involved father and the two of us remain good friends. (I would like to explain though that regardless of the straightforward nature of the divorce, divorce does not come without an emotional price.)

@janbb I wish you all the best for your proceedings and hope they are as uncomplicated as possible, be strong and allow your friends and family to support you through it.

Well, if he’s like most other divorced guys I know, he will have been stashing cash away, moving money around mysteriously for months ahead of time, hiding the moolah behind her back, preparing for this day.

If you’re really getting lawyers involved, they should take extra care to check all financial transactions within the past year.
______

The happiest divorced folk I know are the ones who agreed to split the property themselves, and handled the official business directly at the courthouse, without lawyers at all. Saves so much time and emotion.

Good luck… Be well and happy please.

Find the balance between looking after your best interest and not allowing pettiness to take over. Think about what really matters to you and what you can let go. Pick your battles and as @Hawaii_Jake said, this is a business procedure. Treat it like that (hard though that will be).

Thinking of you as you go through this but @janbb, this isn’t just the end of your marriage, this is the start of your future with all the hope and opportunities that holds for you.

You only want the nice divorced people to answer. No I was a bitch, and I got a huge settlement. Why? because I spent years being abused. Does that make me nice? Get the best lawyer you can afford.